Babies: 3 - 6 Months

Shift in friends

Anyone else notice a shift in friends since having a baby (if this is your first)? I had a pretty close knit group of friends and although one other is married, none of the three of them have kids. The other two are not even close to being married. Only one has been out to visit me and the baby which hurt my feelings a ton that the other two couldn't find time in their busy drinking schedule to even stop out for 20 minutes. keep in mind they live, at most 15 minutes from me and my DH. At first they were inviting me to parties and got cranky with me when I said I couldn't do things that started at 9 or 10pm...not to mention that I just had a c-section so I really wasn't able to do much at all. Then they stopped inviting me altogether. One called and asked if we wanted to go out but I didn't have a sitter that night. I said 'why don't you guys stop over for a while'...well he took that as meaning I was going to cook him dinner and then we were going to hang out and drink all night like old times. When I told him we would have to start at like 6:30 then my DH and I would probably go to bed at 9pm to coincide with the baby's schedule, he got all wierd and said 'well what are we going to do then if you have to go to bed so early??' I said well you could come see the baby!! no answer from him and a no show that night.

Anyone else feel like their non-parent friends are sort of pushing them away? I know my life has drastically changed, but overall I'm still the same person and am hurt that these people who I've been friends with for over 20 years are so uninterested and uninvolved. I ran out and visited each of them when they got a dam* dog!! I got a PERSON and they can't find time to come over!!??

Flip side is that I have really grown closer to other former acquaintances that do have kids.

Re: Shift in friends

  • I don't know your age, but judging by the sounds of your friends you are all pretty young, no? Like college age?  If going out, partying, and drinking is what you had in common, and now you are no longer doing those things, you probably won't be friends forever.  I'm assuming these relationships aren't as deep as you thought.  Times change, friends change.  You'll continue to make more friends with similar interests (ie, couples and families).
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  • Ha this always happens from what I hear from other mommies and its true!  I had many friends but as soon as DD came they were gone! Being pregnant it was all "omg so cute" "I cant wait" on and on but as soon as shes here nothing, I think i have 3 friends now? Two with children who i met right before i gave birth and only 1 of my old friends! Sucks but they obviously werent really your friend if they ditch us when we have babies!! So i dont care much, new friends to come :)
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  • I'm the youngest of them at 29. They are 31, 31 and 32. Ridiculous huh since it does sound like a college age group of people!
  • My old group of friends was pretty much the same.  Most social things started very late and revolved around drinking, so now that I have a baby, they're nowhere to be found.  I still haven't quite figured out this whole making-mommy-friends thing, though, so for now I just hang out with the baby and the internets. :D
  • imageAngel0423:
    I don't know your age, but judging by the sounds of your friends you are all pretty young, no? Like college age?  If going out, partying, and drinking is what you had in common, and now you are no longer doing those things, you probably won't be friends forever.  I'm assuming these relationships aren't as deep as you thought.  Times change, friends change.  You'll continue to make more friends with similar interests (ie, couples and families).

    Ditto this.  You sound really young.  My friends are all adults, so no, our friendship hasn't changed at all. 

    I do make an effort to do things with my non-parent friends that don't include my baby.  But they understand when I can't. 

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  • imageclo1982:
    I'm the youngest of them at 29. They are 31, 31 and 32. Ridiculous huh since it does sound like a college age group of people!

    Wow.  I got around 22 from your OP.  I'm surprised by this.  Well, in this case people change.  I have no advice, except that if you value the friendships you should talk to them about it. 

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  • We really noticed this after DS was born.  Once we started ECFE and daycare, we made new friends with kids his age. They fast became our "good" friends.
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  • imagelaurakaz13:

    imageAngel0423:
    I don't know your age, but judging by the sounds of your friends you are all pretty young, no? Like college age?  If going out, partying, and drinking is what you had in common, and now you are no longer doing those things, you probably won't be friends forever.  I'm assuming these relationships aren't as deep as you thought.  Times change, friends change.  You'll continue to make more friends with similar interests (ie, couples and families).

    Ditto this.  You sound really young.  My friends are all adults, so no, our friendship hasn't changed at all. 

    I suppose the term adult needs to be based on actions not age! I re-read and could see how the post could be construed as being from someone much younger by the drinking and partying terms. I should have clarified that my DH and I would have people over (a party) and have drinks because we no longer go to bars (this was pre-baby) nor do we want to worry about driving home. So yeah, there was a good bit of drinking since no one was driving home but it wasn't exactly the frat party that the wording sort of made it sound like! Now, their actions much more closely resemble those which I would expect from someone of college age.

  • my recommendation is for you guys to do the planning and inviting over, at least to establish your new 'norm'. 

    when I've had friends become parents in the past, I thought I was being respectful to not 'bother' them when I knew they couldn't really go out with a new baby, and I didn't want to call a bunch because they had their hands full.  now I see that they might have taken that as me writing them off or not wanting to be friends since they couldn't do the same things, even though that wasn't my intention (could or could not be what your friends are doing). 

    so for us, it helped for us to be the ones planning things for a little bit, so that our friends could see that we still very much could hang out in the early parts of the evenings, or that they could come over to our place once LO is down for the night.  It's definitely not exactly the same as before, but they know that we aren't hermits and things have been great with our friends. 

    DH and I also have the kind of relationship where we encourage each other to hang out with our friends, so he'll watch her while I go to the movies or mani/pedi's, etc, or I've been home alone while DH went to a going away party, concerts...

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  • This is happening to me too. I started going to a mother's group and I am starting to hang out a lot with people who I have met there.

  • imageclo1982:
    I'm the youngest of them at 29. They are 31, 31 and 32. Ridiculous huh since it does sound like a college age group of people!

    wow! older than me :) I wouldn't have guessed! 

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  • ABSOLUTELY!!! It's driving me nuts!  Me and my girlfriends are around 28. I've been married the longest and now had B in June.  One GF got married last Sept., one this past June, one just got engaged and the other 2 are single.  My GF that got married Sept just started TTC last month.  She's really the only one out of my friends that KIT often.  My GF that got married in June has only seen B TWICE since he was born 3 months ago!  And, she was my maid of honor!  She's the type that likes to overwhelm herself with 20 parties a week and never has time for anyone now.  I miss my GF's, but at the same time, I'm the, one that just had a baby, why should it be up to me to KIT with you!?  And then, when you confront them about why they don't call/visit, I get "Well, I feel bad bothering you."  And that's AFTER I've told them repeatedly "If you want to talk/call/visit, just let me know!  What's the worst I would say? Now's not a good time?"  DH's group of friend's on the other hand, they all have kids and we got together last weekend and had so much fun! We were all holding and playing with eachothers kids/babies.  It was fun and comfortable.

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  • Ironically, I talk/ spend time with my non-baby friends more than my baby friends.  Mostly this is because we have very different ideas about parenting.  I make sure to call/ text my friends without kids and try to get my husband or parents to watch the baby when I want to hang out with them.  Time away from baby is important and because they don't get the baby stuff (they did come see us in the hospital and we have done dinner with the baby) it helps me to keep up in the baby-less world.  I don't see them as often but it is fun when I do.  Since you have been in both positions and can see what they don't it falls on you to make the effort if you want to maintain the friendship.  Good luck!
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