Totally Freaking Out.

PatchestheCat

Hi....

 

I used to be a big time knottie/nestie. I changed my name as to not be recognized... 

I was married in 06. I'm currently separated. I haven't been with my husband for about 3 years now but for some reason we haven't filed for divorce. I have a boyfriend who I live with. We've been together for almost 2 years.

I found out today that I am pregnant. I'm totally freaking out. I've been crying since I found out a few hours ago. I don't know what to do.

 I'm not in the best relationship in the world. He doesn't make much money and would have a hard time supporting a child. I'm a teacher so I make more than he does, but everyone knows that teachers aren't rich.....

I just calculated my due date and it would be right around my birthday. 

If I get an abortion I think I would just be really fucked up by looking at children born around when my child should have been born.... and I think it will make me totally depressed.... but at the same time I don't think I am ready for a baby. I'm in my early 30s. I keep thinking.... what if this is my only chance to have a baby.... Do I even want a baby? I thought I did when I married my husband... but now I don't even know....

 I can't stop crying. I saw the speck on the ultrasound today. That was weird. 

I can't believe this is happening! I rarely even have sex... I can't believe that the one time I did in weeks this happens....

I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone. I told my mom and my boyfriend. Both via phone. Mom is supportive in whatever I want to do but she won't give me any advice on what she thinks I should do. Boyfriend is at work, I called him on his break, he was kind of a jerk saying what is this my fault? He's angry that I told him on the phone instead of waiting til he got home at midnight tonight

 I know ultimately it is my decision but its so fucked up. I can't even fathom possibly needing to walk through the abortion clinic doors in the next couple weeks.... it freaks me out that that may become my reality.

I'm kinda just venting. I wish I knew what to do. I wish this was easier.

PatchestheCat

Thanks...

 

I do agree I should talk to someone. I just moved to where I live now and don't really know anyone here... I have old friends on the other side of the country but I'm not sure how I feel about telling them. The Ob/Gyn sent in a referral to a Psychiatrist because I told him I was feeling depressed and anxious... so they will call me soon, maybe I can talk to them... it just feels weird. I don't want too many people to know in the case I decide to abort...

 

surreal.

nzmum

This sucks to read hun. I feel for you big time. My personal opinon on this would be not to abort. I choose this decision when I was younger and it still haunts me to this day. There are other options out there. I think the fact your mum is supportive is a really helpful . Your boyf might need some time to adjust and process this massive change. I think you need to sit down and discuss your options and do what's right for you. I am also going to recommend going to the Single Parents board. There are so many wonderful people over there who could give you some wonderful advice (please dont take this suggestion as a "youre going to be a single parent" stab). My DF when we found out was angry for a bit but he calmed down and he is the biggest cluck I have ever met. I hope things work out for you in the long run and choose what ever is right for you.

PatchestheCat

That's what I am afraid of.... Once you get an abortion there is no turning back.... Every May from this point on will be filled with me thinking I could have a child who is having a birthday around now... I can't believe this...

kiarstin

I am so sorry!!  If the guy is a d-bag just remember you can do this without him.  It may be harder but you can downsize.  Take some time to think about it, and talk about it with your boyfriend. If he is no a d-bag then he can get a second job work nights, the holidays are coming up UPS FEDEX, any place in the mall target all hire for holiday. Its a big decision but know that no matter what you can  handle it.  Whether you have to deal with the grief of loss or the hardship of parenting. I hope it get better once you choice is made it will be easier,  You will either get a chance to move on or a chance to rejoice.

Liz.Haugen

Wow.  Well... here are some things to think about.  If money is the issue -- just know that a little bit of a financial struggle (not to the point of homelessness or hunger) is good for kids.  I believe kids need to know that sometimes adults/families/parents have to say no to things because they can't afford it.  There's nothing wrong with that -- it's an important life skill that WAY too many people don't get... and that's why people have crappy credit and maxed out credit cards.  There's nothing wrong with not having an excess amount of money.

Second... if you are the bread winner in the family and are scared because you cannot afford childcare while you work... there are programs where your total or partial day care fees can be subsidized.  These programs are meant for people who need them.  There are a lot of people who live off of the system and shouldn't but then there are the people that the system was originally created for -- and it's a good thing.  I work a few hours a week at a daycare and deal with parents in this situation all the time.  

 Third... I cannot personally imagine choosing to abort my child... I think that the emotional scars from making that choice would take much longer to heal than you may even realize.

Thoughts & Prayers.

 

snoangel79

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I don't think abortion is the answer. Yes, you may not make a lot of money but you are in a better position age and job wise than many people. Quite a few of my friends and my husband came from single parent homes. Two did it with deadbeat dads that didn't pay child support. They are all strong women! Your mom is also in the picture so that is good. I wish you much peace with your decision but it seems you already know what you really don't want to do. Don't be forced into a decision like that because the dad of this baby is not supportive. Do what is in your heart! You can definitely make it! Also, you are in your 30's as you get older even though you are not old it may be  more difficult to conceive, sadly 35 is considered advanced maternal age. Definitely keep this in mind.

AbsoluteLM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My personal feelings are against abortion, especially since having DS, and it seems like you are leaning that way also. Have you considered adoption as an option? You could even look into an open adoption. 

If you do decided to raise the baby by yourself (sans an unsupportive boyfriend), you should definitely reach out to a pro life center in your area. My brother-in-law volunteers for one in NY and I know they support expectant mothers emotionally and monetarily (with baby products, clothes, furniture, etc.) Craigslist, ebay, garage sales, thrift and consigment shops, etc. are also great places to find discount supplies. 

And I know there are so many others willing to help. Do you have cousins or friends with kids who could loan or give you supplies? Some of my greatest blessings have come in the form of cousins giving us clothing, toys and even beds that their children have outgrown. 

That said, having the latest and greatest "stuff" is not important. A baby is important and your love for him/her is important. Before you make a decision, I would research your local support options and also the process of abortion--from there you may have a clearer idea of what you'd like to do. 

Jessicaah2008

I will first start off by saying, I am not trying to be harsh or mean when I say this but, you made the adult decision to have unprotected sex with a man you weren't even sure you wanted to have kids with, so my personal opinion is to make the adult decision to take care of this child yourself or give it up for adoption. Abortion is definitely not the answer and is a very selfish choice in this situation. I am sorry things in your life are rough at this time, but God can give you the strength you need to take care of this child. He gives life and each of us has a purpose. If you abort that child, they cannot fulfill their purpose. So I strongly encourage you to speak with a counselor or something and decide one of the other options out there. That little baby shouldn't have his/her little life ended because of your situation. If you can't take care of it, give it to someone who can. Please, please, please....just make sure you know what you are doing. My mom had an abortion after me over 25 years ago and she said there is still not one day that passes that she doesn't dream about what that baby would look like or be like. Don't live with regrets. Just ask God to give you the strength and wisdom you need to get through it. There are so many women out there that would do anything to be pregnant but cannot. Just think about that...

Mjmksb04

I am sorry you are having to contemplate this. If you decided to keep the baby, you and your husband need to get some legal advice immediately, as in many states, there is a presumption in the law that the person you are married to is the legal father. Good luck.

Sheila.Scully

Please, please don't abort the baby! There are sooo many of us that would adopt your baby and take care of it for you. That way you would be free and know that somewhere your baby lives and is happy and healthy. Oh please don't abort. So many of us have a hard time getting pregnant and would love a child. My husband and I plan to adopt as well as have our own. Oh, please don't abort.

jgal84

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm not going to tell you what your long term plans should be. But, I will say that you should definitely give yourself time, whether that's 2 days or 2 weeks, to let this really sink in. Right now, you are in shock and your emotions are running high. Just let this sink in and really think about what you want to do. I wouldn't make any decisions right now, one way or the other.

Just remember, whatever decision you make, you will have to deal with for the rest of your life. Follow your heart and just do whatever feels right. Best of luck!

salt78

jgal84:

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm not going to tell you what your long term plans should be. But, I will say that you should definitely give yourself time, whether that's 2 days or 2 weeks, to let this really sink in. Right now, you are in shock and your emotions are running high. Just let this sink in and really think about what you want to do. I wouldn't make any decisions right now, one way or the other.

Just remember, whatever decision you make, you will have to deal with for the rest of your life. Follow your heart and just do whatever feels right. Best of luck!

jgal is wise. 

Also I would recommend you talk to a professional about this and everything else. Baby issue aside, your relationship with your boyfriend sounds kind of horrible.

vanillacourage

If you decide to proceed with the pregnancy, it should be because you genuinely want the baby, not just to avoid being wracked with guilt every May. 

HotChocolate79

I am really sorry you are dealing with this.  No one can tell you what to do - it's an incredibly difficult decision but you will have to make it yourself.  Keep in mind that most, if not all the women on this board are pregnant because they wanted to be.  Their responses to you will be heavily skewed that way.  I can't fathom aborting, but then again I've been trying to get pregnant since 2006.  I bitterly joke that it took 4 years, two men (I was married to someone else prior to DH ), and a medical team to get me pregnant.  Have you considered adoption? 

Best of luck and again, I am sorry you are in this situation.

Baby0322

Don't abort the baby. My mother was at an abortion clinic when she was pregnant with me and when they called her name she walked out. What if she would of went through with it? I would not be here and DD would not be here. Please give the baby up for adoption if you don't want it.

smittie417

Baby0322:

Don't abort the baby. My mother was at an abortion clinic when she was pregnant with me and when they called her name she walked out. What if she would of went through with it? I would not be here and DD would not be here. Please give the baby up for adoption if you don't want it.

This.

Eilis123

You need to do what is best for YOU.  I would go talk to someone professional about your issue.  A good therapist will help you sort out your own feelings and come to the decision that you want, not the one other people want.

I would consider all of your options.  You can get an abortion, adopt, or keep the baby.  This is just my take on these, but ultimately the choice is yours and you can take my advice however you want:

- Abortion depends on your beliefs.  If you have religious issues with it, you could end up regretting it.  

I personally am pro-choice.  I had one "pregnancy scare" when I first started dating my husband (long before we were serious).  I was just starting graduate school.  I immediately looked up all of the abortion options, and decided if I did turn out to be pregnant, this is what I would do.  It turned out I was NOT pregnant, and I never actually have had to make that choice, but it was such a relief knowing it was there.  Even today, I know I would have done it and would not have regretted it - the child I would have had then would have probably kept me from having the advanced degree, financial security, happy marriage, and wanted pregnancy I have now.

Keep in mind that almost 30% of American women have had abortions.  Abortion does not make you a bad person.  Studies show that the majority of women who choose abortion feel relief, not regret. 

The writer Ursula K. Le Guin has an EXCELLENT article about her experience with an abortion she had in college called "The Princess".  It is very empowering essay about why she made that choice.  I would recommend reading it if you want to go in that direction. 

- You could give your child up for adoption.  The con is you may bond with your child and then miss it.  You may wonder and think about your child. You have to follow through with the pregnancy also.  

But the plus is if you do have qualms about abortion, then you will not have to deal with any regret or moral issues you may have.  You have also given an infertile couple the joy of a child, and you have given your child an intact, stable home with two parents and a good chance at a prosperous future.  This could end up being a WONDERFUL choice for you if you can't bring yourself to have an abortion.

- You could keep your child.  The plus is...well, you get to be a mom, which can be a joy.  The minuses though are huge.  It doesn't really sound like you are ready for parenthood.  Being a single mom is hard.  It is not good for you and your future.  It is not the optimal arrangement for a child either; your situation in particular sounds pretty unstable.  A child is forever; it could affect your future potential for marriage and education.  While there are some single moms who make it, and some who end up thriving and have inspirational stories, there are far, far more who end up in poverty, and their children often have poor outcomes.  This may not be PC, but I work in education and mental health, and I see the negative consequences of single parenthood all of the time.

And government programs get cut and whittled down all of the time, particularly in today's political environment.  I wouldn't have a child hoping for long term government help because you never know what will be there.  

 

WaitingOnTwoPinkLines

Eilis123:

You need to do what is best for YOU.  I would go talk to someone professional about your issue.  A good therapist will help you sort out your own feelings and come to the decision that you want, not the one other people want.

I would consider all of your options.  You can get an abortion, adopt, or keep the baby.  This is just my take on these, but ultimately the choice is yours and you can take my advice however you want:

- Abortion depends on your beliefs.  If you have religious issues with it, you could end up regretting it.  

I personally am pro-choice.  I had one "pregnancy scare" when I first started dating my husband (long before we were serious).  I was just starting graduate school.  I immediately looked up all of the abortion options, and decided if I did turn out to be pregnant, this is what I would do.  It turned out I was NOT pregnant, and I never actually have had to make that choice, but it was such a relief knowing it was there.  Even today, I know I would have done it and would not have regretted it - the child I would have had then would have probably kept me from having the advanced degree, financial security, happy marriage, and wanted pregnancy I have now.

Keep in mind that almost 30% of American women have had abortions.  Abortion does not make you a bad person.  Studies show that the majority of women who choose abortion feel relief, not regret. 

The writer Ursula K. Le Guin has an EXCELLENT article about her experience with an abortion she had in college called "The Princess".  It is very empowering essay about why she made that choice.  I would recommend reading it if you want to go in that direction. 

- You could give your child up for adoption.  The con is you may bond with your child and then miss it.  You may wonder and think about your child. You have to follow through with the pregnancy also.  

But the plus is if you do have qualms about abortion, then you will not have to deal with any regret or moral issues you may have.  You have also given an infertile couple the joy of a child, and you have given your child an intact, stable home with two parents and a good chance at a prosperous future.  This could end up being a WONDERFUL choice for you if you can't bring yourself to have an abortion.

- You could keep your child.  The plus is...well, you get to be a mom, which can be a joy.  The minuses though are huge.  It doesn't really sound like you are ready for parenthood.  Being a single mom is hard.  It is not good for you and your future.  It is not the optimal arrangement for a child either; your situation in particular sounds pretty unstable.  A child is forever; it could affect your future potential for marriage and education.  While there are some single moms who make it, and some who end up thriving and have inspirational stories, there are far, far more who end up in poverty, and their children often have poor outcomes.  This may not be PC, but I work in education and mental health, and I see the negative consequences of single parenthood all of the time.

And government programs get cut and whittled down all of the time, particularly in today's political environment.  I wouldn't have a child hoping for long term government help because you never know what will be there.  

 

This, exactly. 

sisterinlaw2B

I'm very sorry you are going through this.  I think it is a great idea to discuss it with the psychiatrist, because they can help you figure out which decision you will feel most comfortable with.  

I would not keep a child that I did not want and did not feel like I had the means to support.  If I were in that situation, I would either have an abortion (most likely) or put the baby up for adoption.  I am a pediatrician, and it kills me to see how many children suffer from being raised by parents that weren't ready to care for them.

That being said, if you decide you really want the baby, I'd ditch the not-so-good boyfriend and go it alone.  I think you'd do a much better job raising a baby by yourself than in a crappy relationship.  

Best of luck, and know that it is OK to choose what is best for you.   

Juliet725

I understand what you're going through - I found out I was pregnant after dating my boyfriend only six months and had a nervous breakdown. I had a very tough time dealing with it for about the first 15 weeks, but after that you do kind of get used to the idea and even start to get excited. Once I actually had my daughter I was amazed how easy it was to get used to her in my life. It's of course hard to raise a child, but you will surprise yourself. Just because you may consider this an "unwanted" pregnancy doesn't mean you won't end up absolutely in love with your child and a wonderful mother. I'm still with my boyfriend and we're very happy and expecting another baby (another accident), but would not have been able to cope if I hadn't reached the point where I knew I could do it without him. Keep your chin up! There are others out there in your situation or ones used to be