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March 2012 Moms
mhollidayesq
member
MIL's have too much power...WHY?
mhollidayesq
member
I wanted to share my 2 cents on this subject with this board. My original post is on the 2nd trimester board if you are interested (text was too long to re-type and I couldnt copy and paste).
Anyway the short answer: Because people can only treat you the way you allow them to.
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Re: MIL's have too much power...WHY?
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
Personally, I believe that part of it has to do with the relationship the man had with his mother before the woman ever came along. If he allowed his mother to make decisions for him or he never stood up to her, then she is going to do the same thing once he is married.
I am in the camp that the husband should be the first one to draw the line. If your husband cannot see that his mom is treating his wife like crap, then you not only have a MIL problem but you also have a husband problem. Your husband should be your #1 advocate with his family.
I also think that the writing is on the wall before you ever get married. I believe that too often women think that their MIL will change once they are married into the family.
Are their MILs out there who cannot stand that their baby boy got married? Yup. I just wonder how often the baby boy didn't cut the apron strings before his wife entered the picture, and then the wife gets blamed when he does.
I didnt fly off the handle at all. In fact I said absolutely nothing to her at all. I have no doubt that I am mature...the fact is that I refuse to allow anyone to continuously mistreat me and make me feel powerless. If you would prefer to go back and forth with people that have no regards for your feelings -- that's your choice. Life is too short to be stressed out by people that dont mean you well.
And just wow. I didn't even bother to read the post on 2nd tri because it was too long. LOL.
OP, I re-emphasize that you have a husband problem. Your husband let your MIL say mean things to you for 3 years? And you flew off the handle on her? Wow. I'd be pretty pissed if my husband thought it was okay for his mother to treat me with disrespect for that long without doing something about it himself.
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
I just don't understand where the husbands are in all of this. I cannot imagine my husband allowing his mother to disrespect me for two minutes, let alone two YEARS, without saying something.
You are absolutely right!!! My husband tolerated his mother's behavior his entire life. He truly beleived in the "you just have to do what your parents tell you" school of thought. I was raised in a different type of household. My parents expected respect, but they also didnt believe in disrespecting and embarrasing us just because they could. We were allowed to (and expected) to express ourselves (in a respectful way). I doubt his mother ever realized he would marry someone who had a strong personality...and she would not only be able to control him, but his wife too, their kids, etc. (I saw her do it with his brother's girlfreinds and kids).
I did ask my husband to handle it, but it was clear he didnt feel comortable confronting her about her behavior...so I did what I needed to do for peace of mind. I wasnt going to get into a screaming match with her, so I removed her from my circle. And that's something that I will do to anyone who continously disrespects me for no reason.
Oddly enough her behavior didnt start (with me) till after we got married. We dated for 2 years (living together) and I had a good relationship with my MIL at the time. Shopped together, hung out, etc. Then shortly after we got married she became a bit too opinionated about things that didnt concern her. I think it was two fold. The truth was that I saw her treat other people this way (but never me) and I assumed (which I should have not) that she wouldnt treat me that way. Two, she finally felt comfortable enough to test me. She likes to control everyone in her family and I guess she thought it was time she did it with me. So I take some of the fault for sure...because I should have know she was capable.
However, in the end it was up to me if I was going to deal with her inappropriate behavior...so I decided NO!
I disagree. My MiL treated me so nicely before I married DH that DH's biological sister got jealous of me. She wasn't mean to me after we got married, but suddenly had less nice things to say to me (instead of something like "I'm glad to see you" it became more complicated and sounding like she was trying to stir up trouble "You always come along with DH when he visits. DH's brother's wife doesn't do that.").
Once she found out I was pregnant, she's been nothing but completely nasty to me. The first words out of her mouth when we went to their house to announce we were pregnant were: "Don't be sad if you lose the baby, these things happen." and she's telling me that if I don't watch what I eat, I'll be buying size 12 maternity pants (I don't even fit adult sizes right now starting the second trimester), and purposely throws their little toy something or other dog onto me because she knows I'm allergic to it, and when they had a puppy (a month or so old and they didn't even keep it for longer than a week...), the puppy bit at my toes and she told me "Dogs bite people they know have evil in them. Dogs know things like that." and laughed about it.
It's gotten so bad, both my SiL's and even a family friend have started snapping at her when they're around and I'm there. They couldn't believe it at first until they saw it because they all thought I was her favorite (even over her own biological daughter)!
DH is finally starting to see how I'm being treated (he normally runs off with his dad and leaves me to fend for myself, which he's also gotten an earful about now that she's being mean) and he's said the next time we go over there, he'll try not to leave me alone with her.
I was happy with what I had when DH and I were dating. She either hid it from me during the 2.5 years we dated after I met her, or she's super crazy changing now. Either way, I had no idea until I got pregnant how much of a controlling egomaniac she is.
Yes my husband should have said something about it. To his credit over the the first 2 years, I never really told him his mother's comments were annoying me. Again, I can be over tolerant...but I am also absolute. So when I'm done, I'm done. But when the straw that broke the camel's back happened I did tell him enough was enough and he needed to talk to her. I had to accept that he didnt have that type of relationship with his mother and the idea of confronting her was daunting to him. Thankfully, I know how to fight my own battles. In fact, I only went to him first out of respect for him...when it became clear he wasnt comfortable handling it, I was more than happy to do what I needed to do.
I'm sure there is a part of him now that wishes he would have said something to her before I pulled the plug..but I guess that's a learning lesson for him going foward. I have no regrets...and in some ways I feel like I protecting my LO too. Again, I have seen her do this same thing to her other grandchildren -- and I certainly I am not going to tolerate her mistreating my children.
Actually I have read more than one post on this board and the other one asking people's opinion what would they do about this or that their MIL did or didnt do. I finally decided to answer (AND GIVE ADVICE) and therefore post on both boards since its the two that I have seen the question come up on. Looking for high fives? Not really...there are people who disagree with my approach and have as much said so (and I expected their would be).
Last time I checked many posts on this boards are completely irrelevant to pregnancy and some give advice and others simply makes comments. The mood hit me to post my 2 cents on the issue and so I did so.
We lived with my IL's for 6 weeks while our house was finishing being built. It was truly an eye opener. My MIL does not have any friends and really only talks to her cats. Her hobbies are worrying and nagging. My FIL is a really nice man but he can't stand to be in the same room as her. Before living with with I just thought she was a little odd but maybe it was cause they are older.
She called me pickle *** and sh!t@ass as her terms of endearment. She walks around and mutters curse words from one end of the house to the other. She yells consentally to get her point across and will pout if she does not get attention. Which beats the alternative of her slapping my leg or arm cause I am reading or on the computer and not talking to her. She will tell me in a heartbeat that she hates my hair color or disapproves of what I am doing.
After that experience I learned several things. She does not realize how outlandish she is. I now know why my SIL (also married into the family) has nothing to do them other than christmas. Thou I thought DH was sweet for wanting to take care of his momma if something were to happen to his dad when we were dating, her moving in with us is no longer an option. I refuse to have her questioning the raising of my children or cursing and them repeating it or calling me names and my childs repeating that.
Now will I cut her off, no. Limit myself and my future LO to her out burst? You dang right! I would rather speak up as the situation arises then to let it fester for years and her wonder what little thing I over reacted at. She can pout all she wants but I am not going to feed into her fits. That is just how I personally deal with my crazy MIL. But to each their own.
Phew, we can all rest easy now that you've decided to bestow your advice upon us.
How about next time you just post your advice inside of the thread that is asking for it? Makes more sense to me than AWing it up on two boards.
You do have a point, and I have thought about it and considered it. I'm just not there yet :-). The day may come...
And this is not to you...but to some of the posts after yours. People are hilarious. Here is a workable solution to posts you read and don't like, dont understand or whatever -- stop reading them and certainly don't reply to them and welcome more commentary on them. I don't beleive there is a required number of posts that you must read and comment on...in fact, there are many I don't read just by the title or bother responding to because its not a topic I find relevant or interested in. Needless to say, the last time I checked I am free to post on any subject I see fit.
Oh there I go again standing up for myself...imagine that.
I don't disagree that I have MIL issues...my point is that you are in control of how you choose to deal with those issues. Is my way the best way? Surely not for everyone, but it works for me. And really the whole point of what I was saying is that if someone (regardless of who they are) are mistreating you, you shouldnt feel bad about speaking up for yourself. Everyone focused on the silent treatment part (because it is harsh and yes I know), but the point was if you want to avoid years of navigating IL mistreatment speak up for yourself.
I know how to fight my own battles as well. However, I would have a huge issue if my husband didn't think this was a battle worth fighting and left it to me to deal with his mother.
Actually, people SHOULD respond when they disagree because there may be others out there thinking the same thing but are afraid of getting pounced. You are free to post on any subject that you see fit, just as others are free to think you are being an AW for telling others how they should solve their MIL problems. You cannot say "Oh just stop reading if you don't like it" and then, not follow your own advice.
I did have an issue with him not handling it...but I wasnt going to make it a battle between us, not since I knew I could handle it.
I also dont have an issue with people disagreeing with what I said (that's to be expected, no one agrees with everything someone else says)...what I have an issue with is people asking why did I feel the need to post the specific topic. As for my solution..again it wasnt to anyone who said: well I think how you handled it was wrong. It was for those who asked why I felt the need to post it at all. So I actually agree with you...people are free to post to and respond to whatever they want -- which was really my point and answer to the question: why did I post it?
Posters were asking because of the way you posted it. I think it is a valid point to ask why you felt the need to post it on two different boards, instead of giving advice when it is asked for. I think it is valid to point out that it comes across as being an AW.
You were telling those who asked the question to not respond at all if they disagreed with you posting it. I am not agreeing with you because I am saying they have just as much right to ask you why you posted it and to comment about how they feel about you posting it at all.
Do they have to have a point? I mean really. You are saying that you can post because you wanted to post but that others have to have a reason to ask a question. Who cares if they just wanted to be snarky. There can be a reason for being snarky, like when you think that someone is being an AW.
What was the point of your last statement? Who cares if you never asked a question. You are opening yourself up for questions, advice or whatever whenever you post. Just because you don't ask a question doesn't mean that someone won't have an answer for you.