Mompetitors: They scare the $%@& out of me!

Dewey12

My biggest pregnancy fear?  Dealing with mompetitors!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikvcS3Oe-oA

Seriously though, I've been working with kids for almost 5 years now and some of the moms I've met are so freaking competitive and so sure that their child is the smartest and best at EVERYTHING!

This past Spring I had a mom come into my library and tell me she wanted to start her fifth grade daughter on "The Classics".  This mom felt that the regular fiction books her daughter was reading were way below her child's reading level.  Said mom then asked me how I felt about Moby ***.  I told her it made me want to shoot my brains out and I wouldn't wish that book on even my worst enemy.

Okay ladies!  I know a lot of you are teachers or work with kids.  Please tell me your mompetitor stories.

 

SheenaNash1

Oh gosh yes, there are always at least one or two of these ladies each year that I have to deal with. They think their kid is THE most special, brightest lightbulb in the bunch. It's funny because usually these kids are of average intelligence and many of them are completely unmotivated to work above and beyond even if they are above average because they have been told all their life how great they are.

Or on the other hand you have the parents who push their kids to the max no matter what, and I always feel so sorry for those kids. I've had kids who have normal school, then tutoring after school and then extra private classes on Saturdays! It's more often then not a cultural thing I have noticed. But even so, I wish those types of parents would let up a bit and not be sooo concerned with with child being "number one" in their class. Once, during a conference the parents actually asked what "rank" their child was in the class!! Ummm..its second grade, we don't "rank" our students, they get number grades and smiley faces people, deal with it.

Dewey12

SheenaNash1:

Once, during a conference the parents actually asked what "rank" their child was in the class!! Ummm..its second grade, we don't "rank" our students, they get number grades and smiley faces people, deal with it.

Oh I am lol'ing now!!!  

mishpug

I do not work with kids, but I do have a LO and the mompetitors start early. Comparing whose kid did what first, proclaiming their way of doing things is best, etc. For me, the key has been to surround myself with moms that are laid-back and supportive. We are excited for each other's families successes and supportive during the struggles. Parenting is hard enough, I need a-hole, judgy moms around me like I need a hole in the head.

books4brooke

I'm sure this is going to come off wrong... but we've had an interesting issue because my son really has met most of his milestones early (starting with rolling over at 2 weeks), and I don't like talking about it because I worry that it will come across as being competitive when I honestly just want to talk about my kid's development.  It's a really tricky place to be, even though it would be nice to be able to talk about his development and our concerns without coming across as bragging because that's not what it is.

SheenaNash1

books4brooke:

I'm sure this is going to come off wrong... but we've had an interesting issue because my son really has met most of his milestones early (starting with rolling over at 2 weeks), and I don't like talking about it because I worry that it will come across as being competitive when I honestly just want to talk about my kid's development.  It's a really tricky place to be, even though it would be nice to be able to talk about his development and our concerns without coming across as bragging because that's not what it is.

I definitely get what you are saying. And I think there is a place to discuss this with whoever (whomever?) is working with your child, whether that be a daycare, preschool, etc. I just think that teachers and people who work with kids can easily tell when parents are genuinely concerned about their kids and the ones who just want to brag/are clueless. I think what makes it come off as bragging to me, at least in my grade level, is when parents come off like "well, what are YOU going to do to challenge my child???" as opposed to the parents who ask "what can I do at home to challenge my child? How can we work TOGETHER to make sure that is carried over in the classroom". Those are two very different types of conversations.

Also, I think when parents are unwilling to listen to their child's teacher about a different perspective on their child, it becomes frustrating. This happens a lot when parents think their child is gifted, when in fact their child is average or above average or even super smart but unmotivated or a behavior issue. I think it's totally normal for parents to have blind spots when it comes to their children, and I fully expect that, but when parents are unwilling to budge on their perception of their child as a student, that's when I lose it.  

Dewey12

books4brooke:

I'm sure this is going to come off wrong... but we've had an interesting issue because my son really has met most of his milestones early (starting with rolling over at 2 weeks), and I don't like talking about it because I worry that it will come across as being competitive when I honestly just want to talk about my kid's development.  It's a really tricky place to be, even though it would be nice to be able to talk about his development and our concerns without coming across as bragging because that's not what it is.

Books, I totally understand wanting to share your child's milestones.  In fact, I know I'll probably want to tell everyone who will listen to me.   There are just some people who *need* to have the best/smartest/most talented child.  I realize that most moms aren't like this (and I hope I didn't offend anyone with my post), but I've seen some that are just awful.

I'm hoping all of my years of casually observing "what not to do" will keep me grounded when Dewey gets here. Or it will backfire and I'll end up on Toddlers & Tiaras...  (j/k)

farfanoogen

this thread has me thinking about the shows  Dance Moms and Toddlers in Tiaras. Those poor kids.  

books4brooke

I worked as a tutor and special ed teacher for a while and I totally get the disconnect between parents and their kids, though now that I'm a parent I also have a different perspective on that to some extent.

It's funny you mention the challenge thing too because on my son's questionnaire from his teacher she asks what we want to get out of the school year and the first thing I wrote down was to make sure he's challenged. :-)  In all seriousness though, when he isn't, he gets really bored and is so so much more difficult.  I'm trying to save their sanity more than anything.

Dewey12

SheenaNash1:

I definitely get what you are saying. And I think there is a place to discuss this with whoever (whomever?) is working with your child, whether that be a daycare, preschool, etc. I just think that teachers and people who work with kids can easily tell when parents are genuinely concerned about their kids and the ones who just want to brag/are clueless. I think what makes it come off as bragging to me, at least in my grade level, is when parents come off like "well, what are YOU going to do to challenge my child???" as opposed to the parents who ask "what can I do at home to challenge my child? How can we work TOGETHER to make sure that is carried over in the classroom". Those are two very different types of conversations.

 

Dude!  THIS!!!!!! 

"What exactly will you be teaching my child today at story time?"  Ummmm... how to have a good time while shaking your sillies out?

books4brooke

farfanoogen:

this thread has me thinking about the shows  Dance Moms and Toddlers in Tiaras. Those poor kids.  

Oh, but seriously, those moms are train wrecks (or in the case of Dance Moms, that teacher).  Although Maddy on DM is so talented and seems to genuinely love dancing. 

SheenaNash1

books4brooke:

I worked as a tutor and special ed teacher for a while and I totally get the disconnect between parents and their kids, though now that I'm a parent I also have a different perspective on that to some extent.

It's funny you mention the challenge thing too because on my son's questionnaire from his teacher she asks what we want to get out of the school year and the first thing I wrote down was to make sure he's challenged. :-)  In all seriousness though, when he isn't, he gets really bored and is so so much more difficult.  I'm trying to save their sanity more than anything.

Hehe. I think, for me at least, that word has become somewhat of a "buzz" word that has been used so much its lost a lot of its meaning in the education system (not that you shouldn't write it down if its true). I'm totally not trying to say that parents shouldn't speak up when their child needs a challenge, but I think its more helpful for educators to have parents be more specific about it. For example, "my child has always been above grade level in math and loves to be pushed to do things like multiplication and problem solving". Now that is something I can work with! Even gifted kiddos have areas where they need to work on grade level with the rest of the class, and then in the areas where they excel they need to be pushed.

I also think that (and you probably know this from your background too) that kids act SOO different around their parents as opposed to their teachers. I swear, I watch these kids run around like 4 year old, crazy, hyped up wild beasts on Meet Your Teacher Day when the parents are there...and then the next day they show up as 7 year old students, ready to learn! So sometimes I wonder if when the parents say that they get bored easily its because when the parent is trying to teach them something they are getting a totally different kid then when their teacher is teaching them, KWIM?

Just some musings I had about the subject. I love talking about this stuff though!  

books4brooke

That's good advice on being specific.  I think Kellen is a lot like me, and so I also tend to talk about his needs in terms of myself a bit.  I remember being the kid that the teachers relied on to help all the other kids instead of being "challenged" and so I'm really sensitive when Kellen's teachers mention Kellen being able to help the other kids.  It's probably a good skill, but for me I ended up with a helping complex that has taken a lot of years to break out of.  I think there are probably a lot of parents who bring their own education and neuroses to the table without meaning to project!  We are very lucky though.  Kellen's preschool is very open to listening to the parents, and I'm actually really glad that they sent home a form to give input on our kids.  One of our biggest challenges (that his former teacher and I have talked about before) is that because of where he is in certain skills, we all expect him to behave like he is older.  He's still a 2 (almost 3) year old boy!

(Sorry for hijacking this post... I know that wasn't the original intent but it's something I've talked a lot about (and written about)... you can tell me to shut up and start my own post :-)) 

RaeJ004

Ugh... you are all describing one of my sisters to a tee.  She always talks about how advanced my niece is.  This weekend we got "It's amazing that she's only 14 months old and can carry on a conversation."  I'm sorry, but her nodding and saying "pwease" when you ask her if she wants some cheese, is not carrying on a conversation. 

She also thought because she started teething at 4 months it meant she was "much farther ahead than where other kids her age are".  You should have seen her face when my mom told her that I started teething at 3 months.  Made it all worth it....

TheMutleys

Ugh!

What was interesting for me was that so many parents wanted to have their kids labeled.  It's first grade, and I am ALL for early intervention.  However, your kid does not have a disability when your kid cries at home because you force him to read, but he has no problems during reading time with me.  Is he above grade level?  Not even close.  He is well within the developmental range.  Could he be higher?  Sure.  We just aren't going to get there when you keep calling your kid stupid and forcing him to partake in a million different diagnostic tests.  It doesn't matter how many specialists you pay.  They are all going to run the same exact diagnostics as I did and he is still going to come back normal.  When did normal/average become such a horrible thing?  

I specialized in gifted education for awhile.  The parents of my brightest students were some of the most grounded parents.  It was the ones who had average kids that felt like they had something to prove.   

 

kiarstin

It peeves me when people talk about their 1-2 year old being gifted.  And I do find most often than not they are not gifted not even a little.  My best friends always talks about how smart her kid is I have been around many babies and she is an average 10 month old to me... and Don't tell me your kid is super bright but gets bored he fvcking 4 what four year old doesnt get bored.  But I guess it sure beats the moms that just dont care about their kids at all.

LillyGrrl

I think every parent wants their child to be a speshul snowflake and so we look for "advanced" things they do, then with that comes the "I am the world's most awesome person because my child is gifted/einstein/super advanced" bs.  Chances are your child is normal and might have one or two advanced skills, it does not, however, make your child gifted or even above average.  It actually makes your kid extraordinarily normal. . 

The problem with parents wanting their child to be speshul snowflake status is that, similarly to children who have real special needs (like ASD, or other learning problems) it pigenholds them into always needing to be with other children that are like them.

For example my husband is extremely bright and was put in special gifted classes from the time he was in grade 1 all the way until he graduated from HS. He missed out on so much social time with the every day normal not special students that his social skills lack big time. The regular students never saw him as one of them so he had an extremely limited number of friends growing up which, for someone like MH, was detrimental to him.  

We have no idea if Clara is above average or normal (we just know she isn't developmentally delayed which would require EI and stuff like that which we would give her, of course), we don't really care.  If she wants to learn more about something we'll teach her it, we already decided that come what may she'll be in a normal classroom (mainstreamed for all intents and purposes) no matter what her intelligence level (above average, normal, below average etc) and we'll take point on going outside what that classroom teaches- say they are doing the solar system and she becomes interested in astronomy for a period, we'll take her to the planetarium and read books about stars etc.  A child doesn't have to be super bright for them to need a challenge and as a parent, I think, regardless of whether you think your child is a genius or "normal" the most important thing you can teach a kid is to keep trying no matter what because telling them all the time "Oh you are so smart" does not encourage them to work harder.

Case in point: https://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ 

So much of intelligence is a cross point between genes and environment.  Certainly you have to have the aptitude first but without proper well deserved praise and encouragement children don't try as hard. I can tell you I have always been at average intelligence but my work ethic and constant striving made me a better student than my husband ever was.  We just hope that Clara will be a good mix between naturally bright, sociable, and hard working.  That's a good combo to have.

jamies2girls

My sister in Law is just like that! She swears her child is the most gifted child in the world. She always knocks everything my child does (who is an average child) and has to one up any accomplishments that she does. The funny thing is that my BIL says the exact opposite (she is actually behind her grade level) and that is what makes the whole thing funny. She isn't hurting me by making her child sound smarter then she is she is just hurting her daughter.