Dealing with friends who weren't/aren't there for you during IF?

Dori722

I was recently invited to my friend's in laws beach house for the weekend with 2 of our other friends and their husbands. All 3 of these friends have not asked me once how I'm doing. All three know we've been struggling TTC and one of them knows our exact diagnosis and yet, hasn't reached out once to see how I'm doing since I told her the news a few months ago.

I'm really struggling to deal with my friends. I feel extremely disappointed in how they have reacted to me during this time. It seems like no one cares or is the least bit sensitive. 

Does anyone else feel the same way? How do you handle it? I'm worried I might not be able to mend these relationships with the way I feel. 

HotChocolate79

You know, maybe they don't ask because they don't know what to say.  At this stage, I'd honestly rather have people ignore the subject than ask, and subsequently tell me to "relax, and you'll see, it will happen", "have you tried eating organic", and my personal favorite, "do yoga, it'll mellow you out and for sure you'll get pregnant". 

It sucks whichever way you slice it - but the reality is, I have yet to meet a person that didn't struggle from IF and was in the least bit understanding about it.  Even some that have battled it and maybe had a shorter road than others shock me with their lack of sensitivity.  Sorry you are dealing with this.

bumpuser794640

I only have a handful of close friends, and for the most part, they don't ask me about our IF stuff, unless the topic is already on the table for whatever reason.  I don't think they're being insensitive or ignoring the issue on purpose, they just don't understand how all-consuming IF can be, so they don't realize how much support we need. 

And I agree with PP, a lot of times, people just don't know how to approach the subject, especially if they're being considerate and don't want to upset you, etc.  I say if you're really close with them, explain how you're feeling, share the RESOLVE webpage for family/friends, and ask them to check in on you from time to time.

MandaS08

I'll be honest-alot of my relationships have suffered b/c people don't know what to say, so they say nothing, or say the wrong thing, ect.  At the end of the day, if a friendship is important enough for you to save,  then its worth it to sit down and talk with the person and tell them how you're feeling, without placing blame.

If its not so important to remain as close,  then I've just realized some people aren't as supportive as I need them to be, and lowered my expecations and moved on.  I'm still friends with people like that, but we aren't as close and that's just how it is.

I'm sorry you're going through this-it sucks that when we need support sometimes people just don't know how to give it.

HotChocolate79

MandaS08:

I'll be honest-alot of my relationships have suffered b/c people don't know what to say, so they say nothing, or say the wrong thing, ect.  At the end of the day, if a friendship is important enough for you to save,  then its worth it to sit down and talk with the person and tell them how you're feeling, without placing blame.

If its not so important to remain as close,  then I've just realized some people aren't as supportive as I need them to be, and lowered my expecations and moved on.  I'm still friends with people like that, but we aren't as close and that's just how it is.

I'm sorry you're going through this-it sucks that when we need support sometimes people just don't know how to give it.

 

Oh yea, totally second this.  There's a particular formerly close pregnant friend (way older than me, and still "unsure" if she wants children who took all of 2 cycles to get pregnant) whose calls always go to voicemail, and the said voicemails subsequently get deleted.  I know its immature and crappy but so's her insistence that I am "negative, and it would happen if you just relaxed already".

moosegal

HotChocolate79:

You know, maybe they don't ask because they don't know what to say.  At this stage, I'd honestly rather have people ignore the subject than ask, and subsequently tell me to "relax, and you'll see, it will happen", "have you tried eating organic", and my personal favorite, "do yoga, it'll mellow you out and for sure you'll get pregnant". 

It sucks whichever way you slice it - but the reality is, I have yet to meet a person that didn't struggle from IF and was in the least bit understanding about it.  Even some that have battled it and maybe had a shorter road than others shock me with their lack of sensitivity.  Sorry you are dealing with this.

Pretty much all of this, especially the bolded part. We have only confided in a few close friends (and family). For friends especially, they have never gone through IF (many are not even married or TTC yet), so I know they're at a loss on how to handle the news. 

The people we told, we told to let them know what we were going through and why we had been missing some events lately (due to DR appts, me just not feeling very well on the meds, etc). I guess I never had very high expectations that they would be checking in with me regularly on our progress or expecting to get any real advice from them on how to handle things....so the lack of regular, touchy-feely conversations about the issue doesn't really bother me.

I guess my advice is two-fold: Either you can adjust your expectations so that you're not relying on them to be your support system through this or expecting them to keep up with your cycles and medication schedules OR you can gently talk to them about their perceived lack of interest and explain to them that you'd like to be able to talk to them about it more, but you're hoping they will bring it up. Without knowing the exact dynamics of your friendships, it's hard for me to tell you exactly what to do.

Hope you work it out soon!

Mitzi Bishi

It's a little bit of a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. People really don't know what to say and chances are good whatever they do say won't be the "right" thing. 

You are incredibly brave to share this with friends, but I can understand the disappointment when their reaction or concern isn't what you would expect. We haven't told anyone but my Mom, which makes me feel guilty we haven't even given anyone the chance to support us because of the fear of things being different. Unfortunately there's no guide book to this.  

One thing you could do is bring the issue up and confront it head on in a nice manner. Not complaining necessarily, but just expressing how difficult things have been to bring the topic to light. Maybe they realize this has consumed your thoughts and want to give you a break from it.  

I wish there was something I could do or say to make this better for you. It really stinks to be the outsider or the one with issues that people can't understand.  

DoubleBubble08

It is really tough. You want people to be there for you but like so many others said the truth of the matter is that people just don't know what to say and something they might try to say can rub us the wrong way.

We've been fortunate to have so much support from all of our friends who know, but the thing is, I don't expect them to check in on me/us. They don't really ask me anything, just wait for me to bring it up and I love that so much because I don't feel pressure to talk about it all the time and I also don't have to worry about potential stupid comments.  I can fill them in when we're ready and they can send us their thoughts and that is that.

I would try and talk to your friends and let them know what you need. If you want them to check in once and awhile, even with something so simple as "how are the baby things going" then you'll have to tell them that. If they still don't get it, then maybe it's time to cut them loose.  GL! (hugs)