MAJOR family issues, please help.

FaithRocks

This is a long story (sorry), so if you want to go for the ride, buckle up.

I'll try to summarize though. My mother and I don't get along, many of you may remember my post where I was worried about announcing the news to her that I am pregnant. That went well, but she's certainly not overjoyed for me. I was just happy that she didn't yell at me or anything. Well, that was over 4 weeks ago now. We haven't spoken since. So my Dad calls me and talks to me for a few minutes and then puts my mother on the phone. She proceeds to argue with me about Christmas plans (they're coming to my ILs house, makes things easier since I can't travel too much by then, but Mom isn't happy about it because she's territorial I guess). So although that was unpleasant and she was attacking me in the process, I held my ground - these plans have been in place for awhile.

So my Dad gets back on the phone and he starts talking to me about my due date, where the baby will be born, etc. Then suddenly my mom gets back on the phone, obviously angry, and says "So who is going to come when the baby is born? Are the Kings going to come?" I say yes, they plan on it I think (I had literally just talked to MIL about this that morning). She starts going off on me about how I've chosen them over her, and that I am a horrible daughter for not inviting her instead. That's paraphrasing what she said, of course, but I insisted that this was no contest and that everyone is invited. She screamed at me that both of them cannot come, that it is one or the other, and I've obviously chosen my ILs over her. And she honestly thinks that I should have extended a personal invitation for her to come. I never imagined that she'd want to come, they aren't exactly the jump on a plane at the last minute kind of people, and we aren't that close. After screaming at me and calling me horrible names for awhile, she puts my Dad back on who is flabberghasted himself and says he'll call me later.

I talked to him this afternoon, he's at a loss, he doesn't know what to do and is thinking of leaving my mother. Apparently, she has gotten really hard to live with and, given that my mother has succeeded in alienating my brother, his wife, along with their son, and he's afraid of the same thing happening with me, he says he's done.

I guess I don't particularly need advice unless anyone out there knows how to deal with a crazy person like my mother.... it's been like this my whole life and I used to think that I had some responsibility in it but now that I am an adult, I can see that no matter what I do, she will always do this kind of thing to me. Honestly, I'd cut her out of my life if that wouldn't affect my Dad so negatively. So, I guess I'm just venting. I'm passing out cookies to anyone who read all of this post, so sorry it was so long

schmoodle

I don't really have any advice, just (((HUGS))). It's always tough to realize that you are more mature than your parents and to recognize the depth of their faults. I think you are handling things as best you can, and I wish the best for you and your dad.

Temp159135562506975

that is horrible. She is obviously the one with issues- not you, not your dad.

I have 2 friends who have very similar situations with their moms... and have learned to just back away - and ignore - esp when you have kids- it's hard to waste time on crap from crazy people like that.

maybe your dad leaving her isn't the worst thing in the world? then you can have more contact with him without having to deal with the negatives from you mom?

I'm so sorry your mom is like that. It's horrible. (((HUGS)))

franciscaz

((HUGs)) The crazy person in my family was my abusive alcoholic father.  It got to the point where I was estranged for 5 yrs from all of them b/c he was so horrid.  Than he had a stroke when I was 23 and now quite pleasent to be around... go figure.  I've no advice, how can one give advice?  All I can say is HUGS!!!!

charmcitygirl

Wow!  First, I think you're a strong person for wanting to continue to have your mom in your life.

But, I really think you need to be selfish here and think of yourself.  It seems like your dad has had enough of the situation and I think you have too.  Perhaps there is the opportunity to keep in touch with your dad, while not doing so when she's around.  I know its sneaky, but it might be the one thing that you can do to preserve your sanity.

You and the baby are the most important things right now and you need to take care of yourself!

doolin

Ugh.  That's awful.  I also have a mom like this and, honestly, I've never really learned to deal.  Somtimes I try to look beyond her crazy ranting and raving to get at what's really bothering her (jealousy, insecurity, no self worth), but lately I just don't have the patience and tend to write her off.  The former is too emotionally draining, the latter feels too flippant.  So I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know that I know this all too well and totally feel the anxiety/frustration/anger/deep disappointment that comes with it.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, but as my sister and I like to tell ourselves: witnessing a crazy mom is a very good way to learn where your own weaknesses are and how detrimental they can be if left unchecked, and gives you the opportunity to figure out how to avoid such a downward spiral in your own life.

Bella3413

My mom can be a bit overbearing and gets like that around the holidays she feels like I choose my IL over her a lot But I am one of 4 and My DH is an Only. So my Mom has 3 other kids and 2 step children around at the holidays My IL's  have no one else . I just try to make them both happy. I told my mother in the Beginning of my PG that she was causing me undue stress over the situation and that stress is not good for the Pregnancy and that I worked so hard to get  Pregnant I am not going to let her put that in jeopardy and  I will have no problem choosing my unborn child over her so to Back off if she ever wanted to see me or the baby. It was Harsh but she has since backed off. My mom has also been in Therapy for a couple months now which I think is helping. Maybe suggest to your Dad to get her to a counelor. If you ever want to chat you can email me at Bella3413@rcn.com

weemodin

I'm so sorry.  Both my parents are unbalanced (mom's a victimized alcoholic who managed to piss away over a million bucks in a few years post-divorce; dad is totally passive agressive and somewhat racist and says crap like "we should turn the middle east into a parking lot" and is kind of an ass and slept with his wife's ex BFF...), so I can sort of relate.  All I can say is that realizing you can't fix crazy helps.  And, I've learned to brush off their craziness and not to let it bother me as much.

Best of luck to you and your poor Dad.  As sad as it is, a divorce might be what they all need.  I hope you can all find peace.

ela81

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. (((HUGS)))!

RobinLA

I have a mother like this as well - completely narcisistic (sp?) and so self-absorbed.  I went through 7 years of therapy to just to cut the cord and not feel so responsible and guilty because she was always so needy.

I think you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself.  Honestly, if she's expecting a personal invitation for the birth, let her keep waiting.  I think you just have to say, mom, you are welcome here anytime and leave it at that.  Her emotions cannot be your problem.  I'm so so sorry for you and your dad.  The sad thing is that she will never see this as her issue - it's always going to be that the world is against her.  You have to just take care of yourself.  Maybe have a heart to heart with your dad so he knows where you're coming from if you seem distant so he knows it's not him.

Stay strong and just remind yourself that you have a new baby coming...and you will never do to the baby what your mother has done to you.  That is my biggest fear and biggest goal - to not alienate my child the way my mother alienated me.

I'm so sorry.  I hope you can get through this all with as little drama as possible.

xoxo

Partyof6?

Ugh.  I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this.  I can't believe anyone would expect a personal invitation to the birth.  It's not like you can plan it, and it seems like the kind of thing she should have just told you if she wanted to be here.  It sounds more like it's just a competition thing because you are closer to your in-laws. 

It sounds like your Dad is aware that this isn't normal behavior and that your mom is slowly alienating his whole family.  It is sad that it has come to that, but maybe seperating wouldn't be so bad for the whole family. 

I'll offer you hugs.  I wish sometimes that I could bottle my mom and share her when I read these kinds of stories.  As much as she drives me crazy, I can't imagine dealing with the kind of immaturity you are talking about.  (((Hugs)))

KnJ04.09.04

What a rough situation. So sorry you Mom is causing much unneeded drama. Keep reaching out to your dad - he sounds like he needs a little love.

nicolita14w

I'm so sorry. That is so terrible to have to deal with, especially when you're already in an emotional pg state.

 It sounds to me like your mom has some serious self-esteem and insecurity issues, and that she also might be depressed. This is obviously a problem with her, not those around her, since she has alienated everyone. I suppose a suggestion to get some counseling wouldn't go over too well, though.

It sounds like it would probably better for you if she didn't end up coming when the baby is born-- you don't need that kind of stress when you're trying to bond with your new baby.

 Wish I could help more.
 

 

 

Jennifer Bliss-Wohlers

It's a terrible place to be bewteen doing "the right thing" by continuing a relationship with your mother and the absoulute right thing in doing what's right for you and your baby. I know because I have been there (and still am). My mother is a self-absorbed, parasitic alcoholic and life had always been hard with her in it. After years of pain, embarrassment and constant disappointment I finally decided I needed to sever the ties with her. I couldn't allow her to do the same terrible things to my child that she'd done to me. I decided that I'd rather not have her in my son's life than to have her coming and going and risking the pain and disappointment she inflicted on me, unto him. It's been almost 3 years (in November) since I last spoke to her. I still feel guilty. But I KNOW it was the right decision for us.

This may not be the right decision for you but I just felt I needed to share so you would know you are not alone. It sounds like your Dad is a good person and that he genuinely cares about you and your baby. His decision to stay or leave is going to be a tough one. Try to keep him close no matter what he decides. Good luck sweetie. Keep us posted.

MoDchiCk

WOW!!!!! ?I have the opposite problem in that all our issues are with my MIL... ?and she is pure personality disorder on wheels aLL her aLL day!...

You have to really want to have your mom there too! or I wouldnt bother at all shes already pisst. ? It may score some points with your mother but it will also teach her to make a scene and treat you badly to get what she wants since its all about her from what you say...I am offering advice to deal with mom situation ...If your MIL issss an understanding type...I would call her soon and say ya know what I had no idea my mom would be interested in visiting right after the baby and they called yesterday and want to...would it be too much of an imposition on you two if they stayed with us first and you two could come when they leave ...

We just had a blow uP about miL this weekend and I know how much this stuff can and will stress you outttttt PALEASEEEEEEEEEE dont let it!!!!!!!! ?

HTH

b?

JillRock96

Kelly, are we sisters?  We MUST have the same mom. 

Too much drama to write out, but here is the latest.  My mom decided that she (and my step-dad and little bro) could not come out to see the baby at Thanksgiving as planned, because airline tickets are too expensive and the drive is too far.  But, after hearing that the baby will be delivered by 39 weeks, she decided yesterday that they are going to drive out for VETERAN'S DAY weekend.  Two weeks before Thanksgiving.  When the baby may not even be here yet.  I found out that the reason is two-fold.  One, she can't stand the idea that anyone else (namely, my in-laws) would see the baby before her.  Two, she wants to surprise my sister (who goes to college by me) because she has been having a "rough time" lately.  It just proves what I've always known -- I am last on the list when it comes to her priorities.

Anyways, the only ways that I have found to help our relationship include majorly distancing myself.  She is the reason that we moved 1,000 miles away from all friends and family and the reason that we will most likely never move back to Chicago.  Phone calls can easily be ignored when you have such a big buffer. 

((((HUGS)))) -- please know that I am here and sympathize completely. 

skoorbnibor

No advice.... I just hope it all works out.. Vent to us anytime!
 

mgg

I don't have any advice either - but I'm so sorry you have to deal with that... I can't imagine how hard that must be on a regular basis. Hugs...?

jeffscutewife

I'm coming in way late on this, but, my mom is the same way as this. She's a total nightmare and had every excuse not to come when my daughter was born 2 years ago, but, went on and on about how close my daughter is to my MIL. Well you never come and see us and have only met her once when I came to you! She lives in OR we are in CA.?

I get sad and feel guilty some days, but, really she's the nightmare and no matter how verbally abusive she is to me, I can't change her. She says the meanest things to me I can't believe it. As a mother now, I just don't know how she can do and say these things.

?Hugs to you. Hang in there.?

runblondie26

I can totally relate to your story.  That sounds identical to situations I've had with my mother. She's been this way about every holiday, event, weekend visit, etc. since we got engaged. We just had a big blowup about the upcoming holidays a couple weeks ago. She also got very angry when I had the *nerve* to invite my MIL to my 20 week ultrasound too. I've been hearing about it for weeks how I disrespected her because she's my real mom and she had to share special moment with MIL ...good grief. All I can give are some hugs because I don't know how to handle it myself. 

My dad just stays out of it now because he says there's no reasoning with my mother. She is just territorial and crazy...like the way her mother was to her when she got married. Sigh...at least living 1500 miles away form her helps a little bit now.

 

runblondie26

i came in late on this one.  Reading back through all the posts makes me fell better that I'm not alone.  I sincerely hope I don't repeat this pattern with DD.

jsusann

Omg, I cannot IMAGINE going through this with your own mother...how horrible. I'm so sorry!!!!! Your poor father too!! I really wish I had some advice and I don't blame you for needing an outlet to vent. Just when you could use your mother the most (when you're pregnant), instead you get confrontation and jealousy. I really feel for you. Are you able to get alot of support from your IL's? I sincerely hope and pray you do!!! Many hugs to you!!

pamela-matt

I wish I had some advice. ?I will extend (((HUGS))) to you. ?It stinks when a happy time is ruined by someone so self centered and irrational