3rd Trimester

DH is really p***in me off with this!

ok so ive always been a very outspoken, eccentric, self styled (if you will) person. My friends call me colorful. I love the rocker/scene style (skinny jeans, band tees, chains, big necklaces, bows, etc.) I have always dyed my hair off the wall bright colors. I say what I want to say (i am a very blunt person and i wont lie to keep from hurting your feelings). Its simply who I am. I have always been this person. Now since i have been pregnant my husband has decided i need to change. He says im a mother and a wife now and i should "act" like one. To me it seems like he is saying that i need to be like all the people he knows that are mothers and wives. Im sorry but thats not who i am. Now i know that the cursing like a sailor has got to stop and it has, because lord knows i never want to hear those words come out of my daughters mouth. However, i dont believe that i should have to stop being who i am. I know a lot of mothers who dress like i preffer to dress, who dye their hair crazy colors, who have tattos and pierings (i dont even have the stud in my nose anymore because DH doesnt ike it) and these women are great mothers! I took out all my piercings ( had my nose and lip pierced and had my ears gauged to a 2 and for those who arent familiar with that a 2 is really small if you didnt know my ears were gauged you wouldnt notice) and my hair is its natural blonde color that i hate and havent had since i was 13, because its what my husband wanted. I hardly ever wear makeup anymore, beccause my husband doesnt like it. And when i do wanna look nice and i put makeup on he never tells me i look nice he just makes a remark about "you think you got enough makeup on?" And its not like i wasnt this person when my husband and i met. He never use to want me to change. And its not like he has changed. He has a mohawk/fohawk and wears band tees and skater shoes and has tattoos. I have never asked him to change because i dont want him to. He is who he is and i would never want to change that. But its really p***in me off and it even hurts my feelings that he wants me to change so much. So heres the question : Am I the only one who thinks that this is bs and who doesnt think that i should have to change because im a wife and a mom. I mean he didnt marry a stepford wife, he married me. Why should i have to change now??!! 
?Kloies Mommy? Pregnancy Ticker

Re: DH is really p***in me off with this!

  • I see both sides.  While yes, you should be true to yourself, and DH should never ask you to change, maybe he's concerned with your child being picked on for having a "weird" mom?
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  • imagemabenner1:
    I see both sides.  While yes, you should be true to yourself, and DH should never ask you to change, maybe he's concerned with your child being picked on for having a "weird" mom?

     

    No this is not the case.. My husband isnt worried about her being picked on. If this were the case he would be changing too...My husband is more essentric than i am in alot of ways. And btw im not weird.. im probably alot like most people you know..

    ?Kloies Mommy? Pregnancy Ticker
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  • I really don't see any reason on why you should change :)  I mean this IS who he feel in love with.
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  • I can also see both sides, however I don't agree with you having to change.

    Not wearing make up or dying your hair, because he feels you shouldn't doesn't seem right to me. I say yes stay true to yourself. Speaking your mind is a great thing, but you might want to hold back some comments as being a mother you want to make sure that you are showing your daughter to have respect for all people. (not trying to say you are disrespectful at all, so please don't take it that way)  But holding back some comments you might not have before she was here might be a good idea. Just a thought!

     

    This is a toughy.

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  • While I do think it's wise to maybe tone it down a little (within your comfort level), I don't think your husband should be the one who gets to decide what kind of mother you're going to be. He married you a certain way (presumably because he liked who you were), and it's not fair for him to try to change the rules now. It would be one thing if you had started doing all of this after you got married, but it sounds like that's not the case.

     

  • I say you do it. 

    Pick up a couple of pairs of these:

    https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gZTsyDDPd0M/Tj2p3_jZcqI/AAAAAAAAAmg/w6n8ssrswrY/s1600/4477ce4805caebbd_mom-jeans.jpg&imgrefurl=https://www.zombietoenails.com/2011/08/love-your-mom-part-duex.html&h=392&w=550&sz=107&tbnid=OYSXoiU9wK9KtM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=126&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dmom%2Bjeans%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=mom+jeans&docid=rhAYPSc7w49TmM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=0XdeTsaJMKH-sQLY3dgz&sqi=2&ved=0CC4Q9QEwBQ&dur=300

    Try Goodwill and start blasting 80's soft rock.  While you're there grab a house coat and some slippers and a really unattractive nightgown.  Grannie panties are a must.

    Why not throw in some dockers and polo shirts for him, don't forget the black socks and sandals for him.  

     

  • I see no reason for you to have to change.  I think parents should be who they are and model being themselves for their children.  While there are a lot of judgemental people in the world, I wouldn't want them around my children anyway. 
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  • imageleftynat:

    I can also see both sides, however I don't agree with you having to change.

    Not wearing make up or dying your hair, because he feels you shouldn't doesn't seem right to me. I say yes stay true to yourself. Speaking your mind is a great thing, but you might want to hold back some comments as being a mother you want to make sure that you are showing your daughter to have respect for all people. (not trying to say you are disrespectful at all, so please don't take it that way)  But holding back some comments you might not have before she was here might be a good idea. Just a thought!

     

    This is a toughy.

     I have learned to watch what i say. that was really a choice i made for myself. because like you said i dont want my daughter being disrespectful and i started to see how some of the things i say could be taken that way so i keep alot of comments to myself now.

    ?Kloies Mommy? Pregnancy Ticker
  • I'm on your side.  You are who you are and how you express yourself with your appearance is very personal.  It doesn't make sense for you to completely change who you are because you are pushing out a baby.

    People do tend to be judgmental about others who choose to express them through an eccentric appearance.  It's not right, but it is the reality.  Perhaps that is a concern?  I dunno.  Assuming you are not flashing your flesh inappropriately, I can't think of why what you described would be wrong for a mom.  The people who would judge you for your piercings and colored hair aren't the kind of people you need approval from anyway!!!

    I'm personally sort of preppy - I work in a business environment and look the part.  It works for me.  You have to do what works for you.

    Have you asked him why he is pressuring you to change your appearance and how you express yourself with your attire?  I'm curious what he has to say.  He didn't marry a woman who looks like a suburban soccer man - why would he press you that way now?

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  • imageJhawkCE:

    I say you do it. 

    Pick up a couple of pairs of these:

    https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gZTsyDDPd0M/Tj2p3_jZcqI/AAAAAAAAAmg/w6n8ssrswrY/s1600/4477ce4805caebbd_mom-jeans.jpg&imgrefurl=https://www.zombietoenails.com/2011/08/love-your-mom-part-duex.html&h=392&w=550&sz=107&tbnid=OYSXoiU9wK9KtM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=126&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dmom%2Bjeans%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=mom+jeans&docid=rhAYPSc7w49TmM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=0XdeTsaJMKH-sQLY3dgz&sqi=2&ved=0CC4Q9QEwBQ&dur=300

    Try Goodwill and start blasting 80's soft rock.  While you're there grab a house coat and some slippers and a really unattractive nightgown.  Grannie panties are a must.

    Why not throw in some dockers and polo shirts for him, don't forget the black socks and sandals for him.  

     

     

     

    haha omg i think this just made my day lol.. thanks :)

    ?Kloies Mommy? Pregnancy Ticker
  • I agree that you shouldn't have to change who you are..........

    On the other hand..... I have changed a lot during pregnancy and will definately be different once I have a LO. For example: I will not be listening to the same music, I will not be saying words like shut up, I will not be watching the same movies and tv shows when LO is around...... so in a way, I think change is natural when you become a mom. It has nothing to do with DH though.

    JMHO

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  • That's what your DH married, and that's what he should love. He shouldn't ask you to change.  I have friends that have piercings, tattoos covering them, and blonde streaked hair.  They are great parents!  I have a tattoo on my wrist, and planning on getting another on my back next year.  DH is getting a tattoo next year too!  I would never ask him to change, unless for health reasons, and he's never asked me either. He'll give me his opinion like maybe cutting my hair short, or on what I'm wearing (which is rare).

    I think you guys have to have a talk about what's going on with him.  He obviously has some issues and needs to work them out. 

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  • I remember going through this personally, it wasn't something my husband was trying to force on me. I was 21 when I had DD and my clothes were tight and "young" but I had a huge identity crisis because I felt like i was still that person but now I had to carry myself differently and be a good example and not wear halter tops or tight jeans. I was so confused on what I was "supposed" to wear and who I was "supposed" to be. I'm just saying this because you might have this confusion yourself. But yes I'd be very mad if DH tried to make me change. Maybe you should go out and buy him a polo and some khakis and penny loafers, then tell him when he wears those, and fixes his mullet, you'll think about changing...I don't want you to actually change, but if he felt like he had some of the same pressure on him that he is putting on you he might change his mind.

    ETA: my ex was abusive and did try to control how I dressed or wore make up or had my hair and for a while I let him, then I left him. After the divorce, he started dating a girl (and now has 2 kids with her) that dressed and wore make up and did everything like I USED to, before he changed me. Sometimes, I think they don't realize what exactly made them fall in love with us

  • imageJanimal:

    I'm on your side.  You are who you are and how you express yourself with your appearance is very personal.  It doesn't make sense for you to completely change who you are because you are pushing out a baby.

    People do tend to be judgmental about others who choose to express them through an eccentric appearance.  It's not right, but it is the reality.  Perhaps that is a concern?  I dunno.  Assuming you are not flashing your flesh inappropriately, I can't think of why what you described would be wrong for a mom.  The people who would judge you for your piercings and colored hair aren't the kind of people you need approval from anyway!!!

    I'm personally sort of preppy - I work in a business environment and look the part.  It works for me.  You have to do what works for you.

    Have you asked him why he is pressuring you to change your appearance and how you express yourself with your attire?  I'm curious what he has to say.  He didn't marry a woman who looks like a suburban soccer man - why would he press you that way now?

     

    im a stay at home mom right now but im goin to start school soon to be a cosmetologist so how i dress and look fits the art for me as well.. and yes i have we have had endless argueents about it and all i can get him to say is "because" and "your a mom and a wife and that means change" and of course these comments just make me fume even more (thank you pregnancy) because i dont agree.. and i have already told him that ive gone this whole pregnancy without dying my hair for him and i took out my piercings for him but when she comes and i get settled into the mommy life i am dying my hair and getting my piercings back.. i have decided that he can just deal with it lol

    ?Kloies Mommy? Pregnancy Ticker
  • Tell DH to get over it! Just because you are colorful does not mean it will affect your ability to be a great mom.

    Me and my friends are pretty young mothers (im only 23, and this is #2). I still dress in my mini skirts, tank tops, cute little dresses, etc. And i consider myself a very good mother! I dont dress like a prostitue, if i wear a mini skirt, ill wear flip flops/ballet flats and a tshirt. If i wear a flowy tank top, ill wear bermuda shorts. AND i have my tongue pierced, and 4 tattoos :)

    My own mother dressed the same way while i was growing up (she covers up, just a tad more since she feels her body has changined with aging). And my mom has her tongue/ navel pierced, and 4 tattoos. All my friends said my mom was the "cool mom" as she is more relatable and less judegemental than others.

    Go be a rockin mama!

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  • thanks everyone! this really helps me feel like its truely ok for me to keep being me and that i dont need to change to be a good mother and wife!
    ?Kloies Mommy? Pregnancy Ticker
  • Your husband sounds controlling and kinda like a douchenozzle. He married you, he obviously approved of who you were before- why would he need you to change now that you're having a baby? I think it's messed up you took out your gauges!

    And no, this is not a "toughy"- are you a good person? do you care about your lo/family? are you a respectful person who your child can look up to? If so, wtf does it matter what color your hair is?? 

    You need to sit down with him and let him know that while things about your life may change after having a baby, it's not going to change who YOU are as an individual. 

  • The only reason I could ever see changing because you are going to be a mom is if your clothing were way to revealing but that wouldn't even be something to immediately change.  In my opinion it should never matter what other people think it should be about what makes you comfortable and what is appropriate for your child to be exposed to.  

    Due to my job I can't have any extreme hair color or facial piercings but I do have my two lower holes in my ears gauged to a 12 and 8 (though I wear 10 gauge earrings while I'm working and can't go any bigger than an 8 because of my job).  In one ear I have my conch and cartilage pierced and in my other ear I have my rook pierced and an orbital.  I don't plan on removing or down sizing any of my piercings just because I'm going to be a mother.  I also have three tattoos and plan on getting another one to celebrate the birth of my daughter.  My piercings and tattoos will not affect my ability to be a good mother.  The only person I could ever imagine saying anything to me would be my mother, who is super conservative, and she has never once said that my tattoos and piercings would affect my ability to be a good mother.

  • imagemabenner1:
    I see both sides.  While yes, you should be true to yourself, and DH should never ask you to change, maybe he's concerned with your child being picked on for having a "weird" mom?

    I am sorry I dont mean to be rude but what exactly is wierd about her? I ad my tongue pierced and have multiple peircing holesin my ears from days as a teenager in the 80's and I have tatoos so what exactly is wierd?

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  • imageWillosious:

    imagemabenner1:
    I see both sides.  While yes, you should be true to yourself, and DH should never ask you to change, maybe he's concerned with your child being picked on for having a "weird" mom?

    I am sorry I dont mean to be rude but what exactly is wierd about her? I ad my tongue pierced and have multiple peircing holesin my ears from days as a teenager in the 80's and I have tatoos so what exactly is wierd?

    That's why I put weird in quotes.  I don't think piercings and tats are weird, but a lot of people do, including kids.  And kids and their parents can be cruel and judgemental. 

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  • imagemabenner1:
    imageWillosious:

    imagemabenner1:
    I see both sides.  While yes, you should be true to yourself, and DH should never ask you to change, maybe he's concerned with your child being picked on for having a "weird" mom?

    I am sorry I dont mean to be rude but what exactly is wierd about her? I ad my tongue pierced and have multiple peircing holesin my ears from days as a teenager in the 80's and I have tatoos so what exactly is wierd?

    That's why I put weird in quotes.  I don't think piercings and tats are weird, but a lot of people do, including kids.  And kids and their parents can be cruel and judgemental. 

    You can't change other people- and kids only learn to have judgments about people from their parents. You can only teach your child to be open and loving and confident in who they are.

  • I don't understand how he expects you to make all these changes, but he doesn't need to change.  Anytime my husband wants something big like that from me, I always ask what he's going to do. So, if he wants you to not dye your hair, I'd ask him to change his hair style to something you'd like. If he wants you to change your clothes, ask him to change his.

    Even if it's not something you want him to change, I'd ask him anyway just so he can get the point that he's no longer happy with himself, like you are feeling.  My cousin's wife has tattoos and multiple piercings and she's one of the best moms I know.

    My husband used to complain that I leave glasses upstairs and he had to go get them to do the dishes, until I pointed out to him that his clothes don't walk themselves down to the washing machine when I do laundry.  Sometimes guys don't get it until you put them in your shoes.

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  • I say what I want to say (i am a very blunt person and i wont lie to keep from hurting your feelings).

    In other words, you're rude and cruel to people and don't give a crap about anybody else's feelings except your own, but that's just "who you are" so it's totally OK. Hmm 

     

    image
  • imageJhawkCE:

    I say you do it. 

    Pick up a couple of pairs of these:

    https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gZTsyDDPd0M/Tj2p3_jZcqI/AAAAAAAAAmg/w6n8ssrswrY/s1600/4477ce4805caebbd_mom-jeans.jpg&imgrefurl=https://www.zombietoenails.com/2011/08/love-your-mom-part-duex.html&h=392&w=550&sz=107&tbnid=OYSXoiU9wK9KtM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=126&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dmom%2Bjeans%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=mom+jeans&docid=rhAYPSc7w49TmM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=0XdeTsaJMKH-sQLY3dgz&sqi=2&ved=0CC4Q9QEwBQ&dur=300

    Try Goodwill and start blasting 80's soft rock.  While you're there grab a house coat and some slippers and a really unattractive nightgown.  Grannie panties are a must.

    Why not throw in some dockers and polo shirts for him, don't forget the black socks and sandals for him.  

    This was hilarious, I have to say!

    Anyway, it sounds like you've already done more changing for dh than you're comfortable with.  Stop!  You're exactly right; if he wanted a stepford wife, he should've married one.  The worst part is, he's remained the same, while apparently deciding you should start wearing khaki capri pants & sweater sets...so unfair.  He's having an issue & it's not up to you to resolve it--it's his business to figure out.  Now that he sees you in the mother role, it's like his expectations are that you become like his own mother was, or something.  If you want to change your look/style, that's your decision, but I say keep being colorful. :)

  • You should never change who you are for anyone at anytime. You are unique and your child should see the uniqueness so they know right from the start that everyone is different. Rather its hair dye, piercings, tats, race, culture/religion, etc., they should know that it's okay to be different. Of course we all have to watch what we say around little ones because they are sponges and can repeat stuff! Tell your hubby to get off the cross because they need the wood.
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  • I don't think you should have to change how you dress, do your makeup or hair, etc. You might see those things as "who you are" but in reality the way you look has nothing to do with who you are. As long as you are a good person, and aren't being a bad role model for your child, I don't think it really matters what color your hair is.....

    Also, would like to add, that I don't think the pp meant to say that the op is weird... I think she just meant that the other so called "stepford wives" could possibly look down on you when they see you picking your LO up from school. I agree that it could cause LO to be teased... but in the end, you have to teach your LO that it is okay to be different.. It really just depends. It seems that you don't really care what others think of you , so shouldn't be much of a problem.

    ETA: I don't think your H should be telling you how to dress, do your  makeup, etc. sounds pretty controlling/ possibly abusive if you ask me. If you decide to change these things, change for yourself, or for LO (if you think its a good idea) not for him

     

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  • Lurking, but....I think that's craaappy of your DH!  I think the only things people need to change when they become parents are their behaviors, if they're modeling something bad for kids (i.e. smoking, cursing) or something in the environment that's dangerous.  If you are a good, loving person that treats others well, you'll be a GREAT parent!

    The only time I think it makes sense to change how you dress is if it affects your job or you are unhappy with the way people perceive you.  It doesn't sound like it affects your job and you sound like you're happy, so I say keep doing what you're doing.

    I think kids can sense when people are being authentic and when they're faking.  You'll be a much better parent by staying true to who you are than pretending to be something you're not.  Would you want your daughter to pretend she' something she's not?

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  • imagetartaruga:

    I say what I want to say (i am a very blunt person and i wont lie to keep from hurting your feelings).

    In other words, you're rude and cruel to people and don't give a crap about anybody else's feelings except your own, but that's just "who you are" so it's totally OK. Hmm 

     

     

    no i am not rude i just am outspoken and i dont lie.. if someone asks me a question i give them an honest answer instead of being nice and tellin them a lie and i would want anyone to do the same with me. 

    ?Kloies Mommy? Pregnancy Ticker
  • Those mom jeans are all over H&M.

    I hate H&M.

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