Stay at Home Moms

If your DH works evenings ...

Does anyone else deal w/ fear when their DH works evenings? My DH works overnight and comes home at 7:00am. I often feel really fearful at night that there will be an intruder ... I pretty much have every light in the house on.

We live in a safe area, we have a bull mastiff, I lock the doors, and our neighbors have this HUGE outdoor light that keeps their backyard and mine well light. Although, we do have 3 acres so we have space on each side of the house (most of our space is in back).

I used to be okay when I lived w. a room mate and she would spend nights at her fiance's house. I used to be okay before having DD when DH worked late. I think that I am just struggling with the weight of being soley responsible to keep her safe if there would be an emergency. It has been tough and really affecting my sleep and anxiety.

We don't have a security system/alarm yet, but I think I will start asking DH. I think that even with that, I would be dealing with this. Anyone else? Any tips?

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Re: If your DH works evenings ...

  • I don't really have any tips other then squashing your fear down... Really, I deal with that too when DH works nights and I just tell myself I'm being ridiculous and what are the chances. And then I make sure I have the house phone and my cell phone right near me at all times, and sometimes I sprint up the stairs to my bedroom because I can't deal walking in a dark house alone when it's totally dark outside.. Wink

    Anyway, the reason I'm posting is just to mention that oftentimes, the cost of a home alarm system balances out with your home insurance. We get more of a discount, monthly on our insurance then it costs to pay the month alarm fee. So basically, it's almost like getting paid a few extra bucks a month from what we save on insurance. That might help your DH get on board w/ an alarm system. It's definitely great for the peace-of-mind!

    CP 3/07
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  • imagebim38106:

    I don't really have any tips other then squashing your fear down... Really, I deal with that too when DH works nights and I just tell myself I'm being ridiculous and what are the chances. And then I make sure I have the house phone and my cell phone right near me at all times, and sometimes I sprint up the stairs to my bedroom because I can't deal walking in a dark house alone when it's totally dark outside.. Wink

    Anyway, the reason I'm posting is just to mention that oftentimes, the cost of a home alarm system balances out with your home insurance. We get more of a discount, monthly on our insurance then it costs to pay the month alarm fee. So basically, it's almost like getting paid a few extra bucks a month from what we save on insurance. That might help your DH get on board w/ an alarm system. It's definitely great for the peace-of-mind!

    Thanks, bim! This is so helpful- I never even thought of the discount on our home insurance, but now I do remember our insurance guy telling us to let him know if we ever put one in because therei s a discount! I definitely like getting all the facts together before I go to DH with a "can we...?"  I think that the issue will still be there when we have a security system, but I know it will be a big help.

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  • At first, yes, I had that fear. Especially when I went to bed and he wasn't home yet. I did get over it eventually and it helps that I have a very large dog that scares most people just by the way she looks (if they knew her, they would know she is the biggest baby ever!).

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  • I've had anxiety about similar situations.  You know logically that you are likely pretty safe, but you get stuck worrying about worst case scenarios and what ifs.  I get it!

    I have to say, our alarm system is really helpful to me.  I am able to calm myself down knowing that we have it.  So, I support getting one installed.

    And you have to trust yourself more.  You can get through any situation that comes your way.  It would be scary and suck, but you would rise to the occasion and get to the other side of the situation.  The chances of an intruder are pretty slim....very slim - I know you know that.  Has this just developed over the last few months?

     

  • imagesusanmosley:

    I've had anxiety about similar situations.  You know logically that you are likely pretty safe, but you get stuck worrying about worst case scenarios and what ifs.  I get it!

    I have to say, our alarm system is really helpful to me.  I am able to calm myself down knowing that we have it.  So, I support getting one installed.

    And you have to trust yourself more.  You can get through any situation that comes your way.  It would be scary and suck, but you would rise to the occasion and get to the other side of the situation.  The chances of an intruder are pretty slim....very slim - I know you know that.  Has this just developed over the last few months?

     

    Can I ask what type of alarm system? I'm trying to look into the options a little bit.

    Your thoughts about trusting myself are very helpful. This has just developed since having DD. I am fairly confident about defending myself, the more specific fear is that I will not be able to get to DD and get her to safety.

    I am open to considering that this is a postpartum anxiety issue.

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  • You are not alone in this fear at all! My DH is often "on call" and will have to leave in the middle of the night,etc. and I struggle with these same fears.

    Heck back when I was pregnant, there was an "illeged" break in across the street from us (we think it was actually the teen son sneeking out) and I was nerevous during the day when he would leave.

    The only thing that really helps me at this point is that right now, we rent a basement apartment from an older couple who lives upstairs, and most of the time someone is always there...So it's almost like I am never alone.

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  • imageJessesGirl&MackenziesMom:
    imagesusanmosley:

    I've had anxiety about similar situations.  You know logically that you are likely pretty safe, but you get stuck worrying about worst case scenarios and what ifs.  I get it!

    I have to say, our alarm system is really helpful to me.  I am able to calm myself down knowing that we have it.  So, I support getting one installed.

    And you have to trust yourself more.  You can get through any situation that comes your way.  It would be scary and suck, but you would rise to the occasion and get to the other side of the situation.  The chances of an intruder are pretty slim....very slim - I know you know that.  Has this just developed over the last few months?

     

    Can I ask what type of alarm system? I'm trying to look into the options a little bit.

    Your thoughts about trusting myself are very helpful. This has just developed since having DD. I am fairly confident about defending myself, the more specific fear is that I will not be able to get to DD and get her to safety.

    I am open to considering that this is a postpartum anxiety issue.

    I know you were asking Susan, but I figured I'd chime in here too :)

    For me, it definitely is in part a PP anxiety issue. In fact, when DD2 turned 1, I was put on meds for PPA and it has helped a TON for anxiety. But, for me it was way way more then just being alone at night and it was becoming an all-consuming daily thing.Either way, it never hurts to talk to your OB if you think that might be it. Better sooner then later. I dealt with it after DD1 but I didn't talk to my OB until 3 years later! I really wish I had much sooner..

    Anyway as far as the alarm type, we have a motion detector in the walk-out basement and, for me, that is by far the most comforting! Our doors are alarm censored in the house (we have to turn off the motion detector because of our cat). That helps, but knowing that ground-level would detect any little break-in immediately is such a comfort.

    CP 3/07
    BFP 5/07 - Kylie born 2/08.       BPF 2/09 - Alexandra born 10/09.
    TTC since 8/13 - diagnosed difficulty conceiving due to LP defect. Took vitamin B and Vitex Berry to help lengthen.
    BFP 2/14 - Missed M/C found at 8.5 weeks. D&C at 9w2d. Partial Molar Pregnancy.
    BFP 11/14
  • imagebim38106:
    imageJessesGirl&MackenziesMom:
    imagesusanmosley:

    I've had anxiety about similar situations.  You know logically that you are likely pretty safe, but you get stuck worrying about worst case scenarios and what ifs.  I get it!

    I have to say, our alarm system is really helpful to me.  I am able to calm myself down knowing that we have it.  So, I support getting one installed.

    And you have to trust yourself more.  You can get through any situation that comes your way.  It would be scary and suck, but you would rise to the occasion and get to the other side of the situation.  The chances of an intruder are pretty slim....very slim - I know you know that.  Has this just developed over the last few months?

     

    Can I ask what type of alarm system? I'm trying to look into the options a little bit.

    Your thoughts about trusting myself are very helpful. This has just developed since having DD. I am fairly confident about defending myself, the more specific fear is that I will not be able to get to DD and get her to safety.

    I am open to considering that this is a postpartum anxiety issue.

    I know you were asking Susan, but I figured I'd chime in here too :)

    For me, it definitely is in part a PP anxiety issue. In fact, when DD2 turned 1, I was put on meds for PPA and it has helped a TON for anxiety. But, for me it was way way more then just being alone at night and it was becoming an all-consuming daily thing.Either way, it never hurts to talk to your OB if you think that might be it. Better sooner then later. I dealt with it after DD1 but I didn't talk to my OB until 3 years later! I really wish I had much sooner..

    Anyway as far as the alarm type, we have a motion detector in the walk-out basement and, for me, that is by far the most comforting! Our doors are alarm censored in the house (we have to turn off the motion detector because of our cat). That helps, but knowing that ground-level would detect any little break-in immediately is such a comfort.

    I am going to talk to my OB ... I think it is possibly a combination of the situation and PPA. I don't feel like people talk about PPA much- I always hear about PPD. I am not depressed, but I am anxious.

    As for the alarm, I think we need one, PPA or not. We have quite a bit of privacy from the road because we have a largeish front lawn that is bordered by shrubs. I might take a look at Lowes for a motion detector for the back- the back is the area that worries me the most. I can't even handle going into that subject any further.

    I start telling myself I am just over-anxious, but then I keep getting this worry that something is wrong and I am having a motherly intuition about it. Ugh, the more I explain myself and see it typed out, the more I question the PPA thing.

     

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  • Not sure exactly what you are asking regarding the alarm...

    Our alarm system is through ADT.  There are sensors on each door and window and motion detectors inside.  You can set the entire system or just the periphery.  We've had a fine experience with them, although there isn't much to base that off of...which is a good thing.

    The problem with worrying about this is that you will never know the answer.  There is no way to solve this inquiry and concern.  So, you have to figure out how to give it less power and control...i'm talking to myself here too.  Technically, you can never totally prevent this from happening - there is always a risk and worrying gets you nowhere, so you just have to omit the anxiety - either by cognitive behavior therapy or medication or whathaveyou 

    I think an alarm system and addressing general anxiety would fix you right on up! =) 

  • imageJessesGirl&MackenziesMom:

    I start telling myself I am just over-anxious, but then I keep getting this worry that something is wrong and I am having a motherly intuition about it. Ugh, the more I explain myself and see it typed out, the more I question the PPA thing.

     

    I TOTALLY get this too!  I can completely relate to questioning if it is motherly intuition or paranoia!  I'm sure medication would help me too.  I can get myself really worried over things.   

  • I feel the same way. My DH gets home earlier though- between 3 and 4 am. But I have a really hard time going to sleep when he's not home. I don't have any advice though! Just empathy.
  • imagesusanmosley:
    imageJessesGirl&MackenziesMom:

    I start telling myself I am just over-anxious, but then I keep getting this worry that something is wrong and I am having a motherly intuition about it. Ugh, the more I explain myself and see it typed out, the more I question the PPA thing.

     

    I TOTALLY get this too!  I can completely relate to questioning if it is motherly intuition or paranoia!  I'm sure medication would help me too.  I can get myself really worried over things.   

    Yeah, but you are in texas soo... you probably have bigger guns than I do. JK

    I guess motherly intuition isn't so magical if we're here trying to decide when it is and is not occuring. I did recently start going to a grief counselor to deal w/ the loss of my father, so she could probably do some anxiety-reducing exercises with me.  This conversation is turning out to be quite helpful.

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  • imageQue_Syrah:
    I feel the same way. My DH gets home earlier though- between 3 and 4 am. But I have a really hard time going to sleep when he's not home. I don't have any advice though! Just empathy.

    Thanks!

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  • I felt the same way you did after I had DS. DH had to start traveling again when he was 2 weeks old. Having our alarm system helped me tremendously. Ours came with our house and our monitoring service is only $19 per month. Having that has always made me feel very secure. I would look into it b/c I don't think they are very expensive to install and you will get a discount on your homeowners insurance as pps have mentioned. You will get used to being home at nights and feel better about it gradually. I now enjoy when DH travels b/c I have some 'me' time and the house to myself after DS goes to bed. 
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  • YES!!! But I don't think I have as much anxiety around it as you describe, but I think I would have if DH would have been working nights when DS was a few months old or less just because the hormones and stuff. Mine is more that I'm a jumpy person who reads to much Peter Straub or something Embarrassed Imagine me sitting in my bedroom and reading and in the back of my head I am freaking out over every sound. The first few nights were hard because I really did wonder if someone would break in since we are a one car family and no cars would be in front of the house. I had some anxiety and actually was freaked out. But now I think I'm just jumpy and it's a bit sad and funny actually.
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  • Im used to it now, I know it may be a false sense of security but we live in a gated community so that makes me feel safer, prob doesnt make difference. But the thing that makes me feel safiest is having our alarm system, I prob couldn't sleep w/out it :)
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  • I am the same exact way.  My DH is a high school football coach and right now they are having late practices before school starts.  He gets home around 10 each night and I am still scared.  (He has been gone overnight a handful of times before and I was really scared then.)

    I don't watch ANY scary movies anymore.  I love them but I just can't.  I will think of them when I'm home alone or lying in bed alone.  We live in an EXTREMELY safe area and have lots of close neighbors who we know.  My BIL is across the street.  This makes me feel better but despite everything, I am still afraid.

    I am just a big chicken and most of my fears are totally irrational and I know this.  I don't have much advice, but I am the same way you are!

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  • I totally get where you're coming from!  I've always had terrible anxiety about being by myself at night.  Last year DH worked several shifts just across the border in Iowa and had to stay there for the week and come home on weekends.  I hated it!  I usually was upstairs in my room by 8:00 and stayed there because I was too afraid to come upstairs by myself when it was so dark.  And we live in a super safe area.  I never hear of any kind of crime.  We also don't have a dog and I swear I have supersonic hearing so I'm constantly hearing noises!

    But I've learned to just calm down.  I remind myself that nothing is going to happen.  I'm not sure if you're a "religious" person or not, but for me I've learned to pray about my anxieties and to remind myself that this fear is not from God.  Since I've had Micah those anxieties have pretty much disappeared (might be because he's up in the middle of the night still and I figure no one's going to randomly come into my house if they see a bunch of lights turn on).  Also, for me, a security system would actually make me more worried.  I've baby sat before and had it accidentally tripped by the dog or something else and freaked me out!  

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