"I have 2 Mommies"

sandrarn11 · August 2011

DS, who is 2 1/2, just told me he has two Mommies. He is referring to XH's GF who just moved in (to the house that I used to own with XH) this past week.

Any words of wisdom on this subject?

Maybe it's hypocritical, but I think it must hurt more for a Mother (that carried the child, gave birth to the child, BF for a year, etc) to hear that someone else is Mommy than the father to hear that someone else is Daddy...

karatechrissy · August 2011

My personal take on it is that step parents (let alone new gf) shouldn't be 'mom' or 'dad' or any variation. I think it's incredibly hurtful and disrespectful to the bio-parent. There are a few exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking I don't think it's appropriate. Especially in young children. If the kid is 12 and makes their own conscious decision, I have a different opinion. In your case, sounds like gf (who I bet has no children of her own, which is why she is allowing it) is playing house with BD. I know if I were in that type of situation, I'd be on the phone real quick w my ex and telling him that it will be put to a stop. I'd explain to my child that daddy has a gf and she can come up w a nick name for ger, or call her by her first name, vut that she doesn't have two mommies. That's me. I'd be fuming. My children will never call another woman mom. I'd swallow fire first. Some ppl on this board don't care. I do. I think if gf had any scruples at all she would have nipped that real quick. We have had this problem off and on w BM husband. He demands SS call him 'daddy' and my DH by his first name. We literally just filed papers that have the provision in them that no step parent or boy/girlfriends will be allowed to be called 'mom' or 'dad'.

sandrarn11 · August 2011

You're right, she doesn't have any children. XH and I actually had this conversation a couple of weeks ago (when he took DS on a 1,300 mile car ride to visit her family) and I told him point blank "I don't want my kid making anyone a 'Mommy'". It is playing house and I need to figure out if they are condoning/allowing/promoting it or if DS is confused talking gibberish.

Ugh... any suggestions on a nick name? That is actually a good idea, but I don't know what to suggest.

karatechrissy · August 2011

There are a lot of SM's o this board w nick names. My SS calls me 'hunnie'. It was more an accident though. He was 2 and barely talking. All he ever heard DH call me was Hunnie so he just started to. He is 5 now and still calls me Hunnie. It's cute :-). I know a poster had te nickname beans (I don't remember the reasoning but there was a cute story). Maybe suggest to BD and see if he has any ideas?

KristenFMR · August 2011

Do you know if you LO came up with calling her that or if she asked to be called that? Honestly you will not like my opinion but if you LO is comfortable enough with her to call her that you should be happy that they have such a great relationship with someone they are living with. Does it hurt of course but whose feelings are more important here yours or your childs. You should promote a good relationship with her for the sake of the child.

IT's really frustrating to me to hear mothers flip out over their child calling someone else Mom or Dad when the child makes that choice themselves. It's very selfish and the child should come first. If she however has asked to be called that punch her in the face (just kidding)but nip it in the bud

SteveandKris · August 2011

KristenFMR:
Do you know if you LO came up with calling her that or if she asked to be called that? Honestly you will not like my opinion but if you LO is comfortable enough with her to call her that you should be happy that they have such a great relationship with someone they are living with. Does it hurt of course but whose feelings are more important here yours or your childs. You should promote a good relationship with her for the sake of the child.

IT's really frustrating to me to hear mothers flip out over their child calling someone else Mom or Dad when the child makes that choice themselves. It's very selfish and the child should come first. If she however has asked to be called that punch her in the face (just kidding)but nip it in the bud

At 2.5 I doubt this is something ds starting doing on his own. My SS was that age when I started dating his dad and the only thing he has called me, except on my wedding day (when he said that I was his "doctor mom") is my first name. Even as the step parent, i think it's disrespectful.
unfortunately his mother doesn't feel the same way about what SS should call her boyfriend....

DatsyuksMommy · August 2011

It's really unfair of you to assume that it hurts a father less to hear that his child calls someone else daddy, than it hurts a mother to hear her child call someone else mommy. My SD calls me a made-up name, but she has always called BM's (now ex)bf dad. It kills my DH. He has to not think about it and force it from his mind. It is incredibly hurtful to any bioparent for their child to give that special title of mommy or daddy to another person, especially if the BP is involved or is wanting to be involved. I would never tell my SD to call me mommy, out of respect for BM, no matter what my personal relationship with her is like. If she someday starts to call me mom, that will be entirely her decision, but I will never ever tell her to. You are right to be hurt and upset, and you should ask your ex about it (in a non accusing way).

fellesferie · August 2011

Your little kiddo is way too young to have any real notion of what he's saying, so I think you should try to not let it hurt your feelings.

As for who it hurts more, who knows? I imagine that depends on the individual person rather than someone's gender.

If you have a civil relationship with your ex, you can try to appeal to him. Maybe try asking him how he would feel if the situation was reversed.

When DS (who's now 6) was little--maybe 2ish--he came home from XH's saying that he had a new mommy. I raised a brow and said "oh?" and that was it. He never mentioned anything about it again.

blush64 · August 2011

karatechrissy:
My personal take on it is that step parents (let alone new gf) shouldn't be 'mom' or 'dad' or any variation. I think it's incredibly hurtful and disrespectful to the bio-parent. There are a few exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking I don't think it's appropriate. Especially in young children. If the kid is 12 and makes their own conscious decision, I have a different opinion. In your case, sounds like gf (who I bet has no children of her own, which is why she is allowing it) is playing house with BD. I know if I were in that type of situation, I'd be on the phone real quick w my ex and telling him that it will be put to a stop. I'd explain to my child that daddy has a gf and she can come up w a nick name for ger, or call her by her first name, vut that she doesn't have two mommies. That's me. I'd be fuming. My children will never call another woman mom. I'd swallow fire first. Some ppl on this board don't care. I do. I think if gf had any scruples at all she would have nipped that real quick. We have had this problem off and on w BM husband. He demands SS call him 'daddy' and my DH by his first name. We literally just filed papers that have the provision in them that no step parent or boy/girlfriends will be allowed to be called 'mom' or 'dad'.

I agree with step parents not being called any variation of mom or dad. (except in very rare and special circumstances)

I don't see why someone would allow another man or woman's child to refer to them that way.

As to who it would hurt more, I think it could be just as hurtful to either.

sandrarn11 · August 2011

KristenFMR:

Do you know if you LO came up with calling her that or if she asked to be called that? Honestly you will not like my opinion but if you LO is comfortable enough with her to call her that you should be happy that they have such a great relationship with someone they are living with. Does it hurt of course but whose feelings are more important here yours or your childs. You should promote a good relationship with her for the sake of the child.

IT's really frustrating to me to hear mothers flip out over their child calling someone else Mom or Dad when the child makes that choice themselves. It's very selfish and the child should come first. If she however has asked to be called that punch her in the face (just kidding)but nip it in the bud

Interesting opinion... A couple things to consider before calling me selfish are...I wouldn't say that he necessarily decided it himself at his age and another is that this is just a girlfriend, not my BD's fiancee or wife. One thing I question is how many girlfriend's playing "Mommy" will there be before my BD settles on one? I always try to put my child first and be thoughtful about decisions made regarding him, but somehow I just felt like this was a little "too much, too soon".

_____________________________

Thanks for all of your opinions. I think it's a nice idea to come up with a special name for the step- parent so I will think on that. As far as who it hurts more, I'm sure it is more of an individual thing more than a gender thing, you all are right. I just tried to put myself in a father's shoes and see if it would hurt as much, but I guess I could never really know that. I guess I am more exploring my own feeling with it and trying to figure out how to approach the situation. I guess I need to simply ask BD about it and go from there.

Phantomgirl · August 2011

Being allowed to call a GF mommy is irresponsible on both your exH and his GF part.

If your exH wants his GF to be mommy to his child he should man up and marry her.

Also there is no way in hell that I would allow a child to call me mommy when the father has not even put a ring on my finger.

I think you have every right to be p!ssed off. I would not want my kid running around calling every woman my ex introduces him to mommy.

Your exH should recognize how inappropriate that is and stop it in its tracks.

Also to the pp who said it should be the kids choice - grow up. Kids should not make the decisions on important issues in their lives. They are kids and do not posses the ability to rationalize things out in their little unformed brains. That is why they have PARENTS.

However, I would not not jump the gun just yet. He might never mention it again. Lets see how this plays out first. IF it turns out that he is calling her mommy and you feel he is being prompted, you bet ya I would say something to exH.

Littlejen22 · August 2011

What does he DS call your DH/SO? From the sounds of your first post it makes me assume he is calling this man Daddy.

Interrobang · August 2011

Is your son being encouraged to call her this by your XH and his girlfriend?

The little dude called me "mama" a couple of times early on when he was trying to get my attention, but couldn't say my name yet (he is 2-1/2 now). We didn't make a big deal about it but just told him, "This is Jacki," and over time he started trying to say my name and now calls me "Gocky."

Your XH and his GF should definitely not be encouraging your son to call her "mommy," though - nor in my opinion should a mom encourage a child to call her new boyfriend "daddy." They should have him call her by her first name, or a nickname if they prefer or if it's easier for him to say.

wwnbw · August 2011

Littlejen22:
What does he DS call your DH/SO? From the sounds of your first post it makes me assume he is calling this man Daddy.

Please come back and answer this.

My SS called me mommy for a while but I always corrected him. I can't remember how old he was but he finally started calling me by name. I think he was confused because my DD is not even a year older than him and she obviously calls me mommy.

KristenFMR · August 2011

sandrarn11:
KristenFMR:

Do you know if you LO came up with calling her that or if she asked to be called that? Honestly you will not like my opinion but if you LO is comfortable enough with her to call her that you should be happy that they have such a great relationship with someone they are living with. Does it hurt of course but whose feelings are more important here yours or your childs. You should promote a good relationship with her for the sake of the child.

IT's really frustrating to me to hear mothers flip out over their child calling someone else Mom or Dad when the child makes that choice themselves. It's very selfish and the child should come first. If she however has asked to be called that punch her in the face (just kidding)but nip it in the bud

Interesting opinion... A couple things to consider before calling me selfish are...I wouldn't say that he necessarily decided it himself at his age and another is that this is just a girlfriend, not my BD's fiancee or wife. One thing I question is how many girlfriend's playing "Mommy" will there be before my BD settles on one? I always try to put my child first and be thoughtful about decisions made regarding him, but somehow I just felt like this was a little "too much, too soon".

_____________________________

No need to get upset you asked for opinions right? I agree calling a girlfriend Mommy is completely bizzare but I was saying that a lot of times Mother's get so caugh up in what their child calls the other woman that it ends up hurting the kid in the end and I do not think that is good. If you re read my post I never called you selfish I said that mothers who put their feelings before their childrens are selfish. Never implying you are that person

karatechrissy · August 2011

KristenFMR:
sandrarn11:
KristenFMR:

Do you know if you LO came up with calling her that or if she asked to be called that? Honestly you will not like my opinion but if you LO is comfortable enough with her to call her that you should be happy that they have such a great relationship with someone they are living with. Does it hurt of course but whose feelings are more important here yours or your childs. You should promote a good relationship with her for the sake of the child.

IT's really frustrating to me to hear mothers flip out over their child calling someone else Mom or Dad when the child makes that choice themselves. It's very selfish and the child should come first. If she however has asked to be called that punch her in the face (just kidding)but nip it in the bud

Interesting opinion... A couple things to consider before calling me selfish are...I wouldn't say that he necessarily decided it himself at his age and another is that this is just a girlfriend, not my BD's fiancee or wife. One thing I question is how many girlfriend's playing "Mommy" will there be before my BD settles on one? I always try to put my child first and be thoughtful about decisions made regarding him, but somehow I just felt like this was a little "too much, too soon".

_____________________________

No need to get upset you asked for opinions right? I agree calling a girlfriend Mommy is completely bizzare but I was saying that a lot of times Mother's get so caugh up in what their child calls the other woman that it ends up hurting the kid in the end and I do not think that is good. If you re read my post I never called you selfish I said that mothers who put their feelings before their childrens are selfish. Never implying you are that person

I wouldn't give a flying fvck what my children's 'feelings' were. New gf isn't going ton be called 'mom' or 'mommy' by my children at that young age where they still don't understand the gravity of the terms. I couldn't disagree more with your post. Do you have any bio children?

KristenFMR · August 2011

karatechrissy:
KristenFMR:
sandrarn11:
KristenFMR:

Do you know if you LO came up with calling her that or if she asked to be called that? Honestly you will not like my opinion but if you LO is comfortable enough with her to call her that you should be happy that they have such a great relationship with someone they are living with. Does it hurt of course but whose feelings are more important here yours or your childs. You should promote a good relationship with her for the sake of the child.

IT's really frustrating to me to hear mothers flip out over their child calling someone else Mom or Dad when the child makes that choice themselves. It's very selfish and the child should come first. If she however has asked to be called that punch her in the face (just kidding)but nip it in the bud

Interesting opinion... A couple things to consider before calling me selfish are...I wouldn't say that he necessarily decided it himself at his age and another is that this is just a girlfriend, not my BD's fiancee or wife. One thing I question is how many girlfriend's playing "Mommy" will there be before my BD settles on one? I always try to put my child first and be thoughtful about decisions made regarding him, but somehow I just felt like this was a little "too much, too soon".

_____________________________

No need to get upset you asked for opinions right? I agree calling a girlfriend Mommy is completely bizzare but I was saying that a lot of times Mother's get so caugh up in what their child calls the other woman that it ends up hurting the kid in the end and I do not think that is good. If you re read my post I never called you selfish I said that mothers who put their feelings before their childrens are selfish. Never implying you are that person

I wouldn't give a flying fvck what my children's 'feelings' were. New gf isn't going ton be called 'mom' or 'mommy' by my children at that young age where they still don't understand the gravity of the terms. I couldn't disagree more with your post. Do you have any bio children?

Yes I do have children of my own and if my husband and I were to get divorced and they ended up having a stepmother I would encourage a good relationship

Littlejen22 · August 2011

KristenFMR:
karatechrissy:
KristenFMR:
sandrarn11:
KristenFMR:

Do you know if you LO came up with calling her that or if she asked to be called that? Honestly you will not like my opinion but if you LO is comfortable enough with her to call her that you should be happy that they have such a great relationship with someone they are living with. Does it hurt of course but whose feelings are more important here yours or your childs. You should promote a good relationship with her for the sake of the child.

IT's really frustrating to me to hear mothers flip out over their child calling someone else Mom or Dad when the child makes that choice themselves. It's very selfish and the child should come first. If she however has asked to be called that punch her in the face (just kidding)but nip it in the bud

Interesting opinion... A couple things to consider before calling me selfish are...I wouldn't say that he necessarily decided it himself at his age and another is that this is just a girlfriend, not my BD's fiancee or wife. One thing I question is how many girlfriend's playing "Mommy" will there be before my BD settles on one? I always try to put my child first and be thoughtful about decisions made regarding him, but somehow I just felt like this was a little "too much, too soon".

_____________________________

No need to get upset you asked for opinions right? I agree calling a girlfriend Mommy is completely bizzare but I was saying that a lot of times Mother's get so caugh up in what their child calls the other woman that it ends up hurting the kid in the end and I do not think that is good. If you re read my post I never called you selfish I said that mothers who put their feelings before their childrens are selfish. Never implying you are that person

I wouldn't give a flying fvck what my children's 'feelings' were. New gf isn't going ton be called 'mom' or 'mommy' by my children at that young age where they still don't understand the gravity of the terms. I couldn't disagree more with your post. Do you have any bio children?

Yes I do have children of my own and if my husband and I were to get divorced and they ended up having a stepmother I would encourage a good relationship

I good relationship would not mean calling someone else Mommy IMO.

blush64 · August 2011

Littlejen22:
KristenFMR:
karatechrissy:
KristenFMR:
sandrarn11:
KristenFMR:

Do you know if you LO came up with calling her that or if she asked to be called that? Honestly you will not like my opinion but if you LO is comfortable enough with her to call her that you should be happy that they have such a great relationship with someone they are living with. Does it hurt of course but whose feelings are more important here yours or your childs. You should promote a good relationship with her for the sake of the child.

IT's really frustrating to me to hear mothers flip out over their child calling someone else Mom or Dad when the child makes that choice themselves. It's very selfish and the child should come first. If she however has asked to be called that punch her in the face (just kidding)but nip it in the bud

Interesting opinion... A couple things to consider before calling me selfish are...I wouldn't say that he necessarily decided it himself at his age and another is that this is just a girlfriend, not my BD's fiancee or wife. One thing I question is how many girlfriend's playing "Mommy" will there be before my BD settles on one? I always try to put my child first and be thoughtful about decisions made regarding him, but somehow I just felt like this was a little "too much, too soon".

_____________________________

No need to get upset you asked for opinions right? I agree calling a girlfriend Mommy is completely bizzare but I was saying that a lot of times Mother's get so caugh up in what their child calls the other woman that it ends up hurting the kid in the end and I do not think that is good. If you re read my post I never called you selfish I said that mothers who put their feelings before their childrens are selfish. Never implying you are that person

I wouldn't give a flying fvck what my children's 'feelings' were. New gf isn't going ton be called 'mom' or 'mommy' by my children at that young age where they still don't understand the gravity of the terms. I couldn't disagree more with your post. Do you have any bio children?

Yes I do have children of my own and if my husband and I were to get divorced and they ended up having a stepmother I would encourage a good relationship

I good relationship would not mean calling someone else Mommy IMO.

Having clear boundries of what a step parent will be called and enforcing them is not hurtful to the child. If the boundaries are not respected by the step parent and their spouse this could cause a huge problem but not at the fault of the BM/BD depending on the case. Correcting a child by telling a child "No, this is -insert name or nickname-, mommy is at your other house" is fine. And as a parent I have realized that over the years sometimes they will be upset with certain things you say or do. Correcting them over this issue would not seem like one of them UNLESS the other parent and step parent are pushing the child in the other direction.

Not having your child call someone else mommy (or daddy) is NOT putting your feelings ahead of theirs. It's having set a particular boundary. (which is not a bad idea, step parents are not always forever, divorce happens.)

I don't understand why a step parent would allow a child to call them mom or dad knowing it was causing trouble.

I agree that we should encourage a good relationship if the woman/man will be a permanent part of their lives BUT I also agree that this doens't mean calling someone else mommy.

Kyah · August 2011

OP's son is too young to know the full implication of what he said.

DD calls her preschool teacher her "Blue Mommy" because she wears a blue uniform shirt and I guess she associates "Mommy" with a female caretaker. When I first heard it I thought it was cute. DD knows who her mommy is, and I am secure enough to know no woman in the world could ever take my place with my daughter. I am pretty sure OPs son knows who his real mommy is and is just trying to make sense of the situation in his 2 1/2 year old head. If I was OP, I would have just tried to act like its no big deal and say something like "Oh do you mean daddy's friend? Her name is Jane" (or whatever her name is). He will catch on.

XH and/or the GF TELLING OP's DS to call her mommy would be wrong. But I don't see that said anywhere, just a lot of assumption.

And I think its pretty lame to say it hurts less for dads to hear their kids call someone else daddy.

karatechrissy · August 2011

KristenFMR:
karatechrissy:
KristenFMR:
sandrarn11:
KristenFMR:

Do you know if you LO came up with calling her that or if she asked to be called that? Honestly you will not like my opinion but if you LO is comfortable enough with her to call her that you should be happy that they have such a great relationship with someone they are living with. Does it hurt of course but whose feelings are more important here yours or your childs. You should promote a good relationship with her for the sake of the child.

IT's really frustrating to me to hear mothers flip out over their child calling someone else Mom or Dad when the child makes that choice themselves. It's very selfish and the child should come first. If she however has asked to be called that punch her in the face (just kidding)but nip it in the bud

Interesting opinion... A couple things to consider before calling me selfish are...I wouldn't say that he necessarily decided it himself at his age and another is that this is just a girlfriend, not my BD's fiancee or wife. One thing I question is how many girlfriend's playing "Mommy" will there be before my BD settles on one? I always try to put my child first and be thoughtful about decisions made regarding him, but somehow I just felt like this was a little "too much, too soon".

_____________________________

No need to get upset you asked for opinions right? I agree calling a girlfriend Mommy is completely bizzare but I was saying that a lot of times Mother's get so caugh up in what their child calls the other woman that it ends up hurting the kid in the end and I do not think that is good. If you re read my post I never called you selfish I said that mothers who put their feelings before their childrens are selfish. Never implying you are that person

I wouldn't give a flying fvck what my children's 'feelings' were. New gf isn't going ton be called 'mom' or 'mommy' by my children at that young age where they still don't understand the gravity of the terms. I couldn't disagree more with your post. Do you have any bio children?

Yes I do have children of my own and if my husband and I were to get divorced and they ended up having a stepmother I would encourage a good relationship

Except, OP doesn't even have a SM situation. This is 'brand new GF'. Maybe she is 'the one', but unlikely. I think it's completely inappropriate for GF and BD to be telling this little boy to call her 'mommy'. Irresponsible parenting. I stand by what I said earlier.

luckyangel · August 2011

2 mommies isnt a bad thing. BM will ALWAYS be BM and SM can be a great mommy too. Dont take it personal, be happy that the other woman is stepping up enough to make the kids feel loved as though they were her own. You're lucky, most women wont do that. Your kids are lucky and they will always know the difference between the mom who carried them and a mom who cares for them sometimes.

luckyangel · August 2011

karatechrissy:
There are a lot of SM's o this board w nick names. My SS calls me 'hunnie'. It was more an accident though. He was 2 and barely talking. All he ever heard DH call me was Hunnie so he just started to. He is 5 now and still calls me Hunnie. It's cute :-). I know a poster had te nickname beans (I don't remember the reasoning but there was a cute story). Maybe suggest to BD and see if he has any ideas?

I wasnt mom on day one but I became mom as a sm. DH and I are separated and "working on things" and to this day after 5 months of being apart I'm still MAMA to my sd's. Dont try to put titles on things, let kids call those in their lives what they want to. Any decent counselor will tell you the same. A title is a sign of trust and respect, doesnt mean one person is more important than another.

ldeo · August 2011

Removed by moderator for spam

Interrobang · August 2011

Kyah:
OP's son is too young to know the full implication of what he said.
DD calls her preschool teacher her "Blue Mommy" because she wears a blue uniform shirt and I guess she associates "Mommy" with a female caretaker. When I first heard it I thought it was cute. DD knows who her mommy is, and I am secure enough to know no woman in the world could ever take my place with my daughter. I am pretty sure OPs son knows who his real mommy is and is just trying to make sense of the situation in his 2 1/2 year old head. If I was OP, I would have just tried to act like its no big deal and say something like "Oh do you mean daddy's friend? Her name is Jane" (or whatever her name is). He will catch on.
XH and/or the GF TELLING OP's DS to call her mommy would be wrong. But I don't see that said anywhere, just a lot of assumption.
And I think its pretty lame to say it hurts less for dads to hear their kids call someone else daddy.

Well said.

The first bolded is exactly what we did with the little dude. Don't make it a big deal, just let him know what to call this person so he starts to learn her name. Voila. The little dude, and the OP's son I would imagine, knows who his mom is. The words "mama" and "mommy" are associated in their young minds with a female caretaker, much like your DD with "Blue Mommy." So to gently correct and re-direct them is appropriate. The little dude heard my name enough times, eventually tried to say it, now calls me "Gocky" and hasn't called me "mama" again.

And ITA with the last sentence.

J&A2008 · August 2011

sandrarn11:

I think it must hurt more for a Mother (that carried the child, gave birth to the child, BF for a year, etc) to hear that someone else is Mommy than the father to hear that someone else is Daddy...

I hope this is MUD, because I'd like to think no one is this ignorant.

GHBEA · September 2011

My divorce papers clearly state my children are not to call a step parent mom or dad. Some of my friend also have this in their paper work.

IMA that I didn't request this it was written in there. Also other people I know also have this in theirs and did not request it. This was in the state of Florida.

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