Regular with a (long) vent. Need advice.
Hi girls.
I am a regular, but since my username is something I use frequently on the internet, I wanted to post this with a little anonymity.
My partner and I have been together 5+ years. We have a toddler together. We recently made the decision to move to a location closer to our toddler's grandparents. We are fairly close to my parents and about an hour from DP's mom (my MIL)
MIL has a problem. She feels the need to buy our toddler s-h-i-t every time she sees us. Every freaking time. This is *not* an exaggeration. She garage sales, so she finds random junk and brings it. I have repeatedly asked her not to. We do not live in a big house and we see her frequently (1-2 times a month, often more) and our toddler does not need a present every time we see her.
I finally restricted her to buying outside items, but had to put the kabash on that because our yard, which is also not very big, quickly filled up with shovels, pails, wagons, etc. Our toddler ended up with five outdoor chairs. AYFKM? One kid does not need five outdoor chairs.
MIL came up yesterday to spend the day with us. Fine, whatever. She did not bring anything for toddler, but that quickly changed. While we were in the car, the following conversation occured:
MIL: "We need to go to XYZ so that I can get toddler a *insert favorite toy* for toddlers new *insert favorite activity*."
Me:"No. Toddler does not need a new toy for toddler's activity. Toddler is fine with what we have and we do not need more. Save your money for Christmas/Birthday. We will not be going to XYZ."
MIL:"But I want to by my grandchild something."
Me: "MIL, your grandchild does not need anything. Toddler has PLENTY of toys, books and games and does not need more today. Please save your money for Christmas.
MIL begins pouting, but I remained firm.
We ran to a mall so MIL could get pants that they only sell at this one store. I ran to the craft store. MIL and DP joined toddler and I. While I was looking at something, MIL, DP and toddler were near the check outs. I saw toddler with something in hand, where I proceeded to yell, "No. Toddler cannot have whatever is in hand. Toddler does not need anything. Put it back."
MIL kept trying to block my view and said, "Toddler does not have anything." I said, "I am serious and upset. Put the item back. I said no toys, I mean no toys."
MIL bought the f'n thing anyway and DP did nothing. I am so angry.
Fast forward to later. MIL brings up going to XYZ again to look at toys for toddler. I again said no. It was late in the afternoon, we have been out running around all day. Toddler had not napped, we were tired and we were going home. Fine.
MIL asked DP to run her to the store (ABC) to get help her get something for her car. They left me home with toddler who I had laid down for a nap. When they got back from ABC, they had gone to XYZ and f-u-c-k-i-n-g bought toddler two books and a toy for toddlers favorite activity. Conversation that transpired:
Me: "I guess you got started early on Christmas shopping."
MIL: "Oh no. I want toddler to have this now. Toddler will get this now."
Me: "No, toddler will not. I told you no toys and I mean it.
DP: "We will do whatever you want, babe."
MIL: "No. I bought this for toddler and toddler will have it.
DP at this point sets it on the table. I stop talking and offer a half hearted, pissed, mad goodbye.
I am fuming. I told MIL this weekend if she insisted on buying toddler something everytime we saw her she could see us 4 times a year.
What the hell do I do? I am so firm and stern when I tell her know, but she ignores me. DP acts like she is on my side in privacy of our home, but when MIL gets here she caves. I did not discuss this with DP yesterday because I was fuming. I would have yelled, and I did not want to do that.
How would your handle MIL? I appreciate that she loves toddler, but she has other young grandkids and I know she does not spoil them this much. I am at my wits end. I am so mad I want to cry.
I am toddler's parent and my voice should be heard, loud and clear, but it is not.
*sigh*
Re: Regular with a (long) vent. Need advice.
Your partner might have better luck dealing with it. You guys really need to be on the same page - but at the same time I understand how hard it is for my partner to stand up to her family. If she's unwilling to deal with it, I would make it clear to her and to your MIL that you will be giving away most of the toys to charity or Goodwill because you don't have room to store them. She can spend the money if she wants, but it won't be grandkid that's getting the good out of it.
Does she have a shopping addiction? Maybe not since you say that she doesn't do this for the other grandkids. We have a friend in a similar situation and there is nothing she can do or say to change it - it's a lifelong problem that affects all areas of this woman's life, and it would require serious therapy (and commitment) to change it. She just plans on keeping most of the toys wrapped and new and giving them to Toys for Tots every year.
I do not think she has a shopping addiction. She has been a garage saler since I met her and get ups early to hunt for bargains, but they normally have a purpose.
I am going to tell DP that she needs to lay down the law and be firm. Our relationship with her family is tricky. When my SIL found out I was KTFU, she stopped talking to us. She told my DP that she, "didn't agree with her decision". I always thought it was to have a baby, but recently found out that my "SIL" doesn't think I got pregnant the way I said I did. She thinks I got KTFU by sleeping with a guy and then told DP, "Well, I am pregnant. You need to help me raise this baby."
Seriously, I can't make this s-h-i-t up.
Anyway, we no longer talk to SIL (haven't since I was 6 weeks pregnant. It has been 3 years). I don't know if MIL feels like she needs to compensate for her awful daughter or what.
The issues with DP's sister also makes it hard to DP to talk to her mom. She doesn't want to rock the boat.
I want to throw something.
We did recently sell a bunch of toys from MIL at a garage sale. I just wish it didn't come to that. I wish she would listen and respect me as the parent, but she doesn't. She also talks to my 2.5 year old in baby talk (pronounces "r" as "w", etc) and acts innappropriately with toys while playing with DC (throws them, pushes them hard, etc). DP tells her to stop when she plays with toys rough with DC, but she just laughs. I have told her, repeatedly, that if DC breaks a curio cabinet or one of DP's grandma's fragile items then it is on her (MIL).
This is the passive aggressive side of me.... the side that doesn't actually want to deal with problems... but.
What if you put different peramiters on what she can buy? She gets to buy her new clothes every season, or she gets to put money away for a future college fund? I'm sure you've thought of this, but that's what I would try to do.
Otherwise, I agree that it is best to come from DP. If not you and/or the MIL will both feel resentful. Good luck, there is no easy answer.
I have tried that in ways. First I set the limits on only outside toys, and then we got overwhelmed with those (scooter, slide, sandbox, pool, shovels, pails, buckets, etc). I know you can never have too many books, but I am afraid if I say, "You can only buy books." then she will buy any and everyone she sees.
She also puts all her change in a piggy bank for DC's bank account, so we can add it when it gets full.
She is retiring in March and made comments yesterday about how when she retires she will not have any money. Then, uh, save it!
I am already resentful. *sigh* She cannot by DC's love. DC enjoys toys as much as the next kid, but is perfectly happy just making people laugh and smile.
Maybe this is selfish, but the toy DC got yesterday is one I would have liked to buy. I knew DC would love it, and it would have been nice if I got to put that smile on DC's face. Now, when DC plays with it, I get sad/hurt/angry.
I am going to talk to DP when she gets home from work about it. I will not let another toy into this house until Christmas.
First of all, I think you and DP need to get on the same page about this or it's never going to work.
Second of all, I think you need to examine why this behavior bothers you so much. If it's about the stuff in your house, donate it - she'll get the message eventually, and it's her money she's wasting. If it's about your MIL not respecting you as a parent, you need to get DP on board to help you address that, up to and including restricting time with DC (with a clear explanation from DP to MIL about why). If it's just turned into an empty power struggle, consider letting it go.
IVF Oct/Nov 2012
Beta #1 = 77, Beta #2 = 190, Beta #3 = 1044
Cautiously optimistic.
I agree with PP on getting on the same page with DP- my MIL is somewhat similar and I laid down the law with DP that she will not be buying them things every freaking holiday and if she didn't tell her I would and it wouldnt be pretty. Why do they need gifts for St. Patricks Day??? They aren't even Irish???
On the other end, in regards to MIL, how about continuing to stand firm on no toys, and if she gives them, simply take them, wrap them up for Xmas, and store them away. And you can tell her that you did it, so it might make her stop getting them since the toddler doesnt wind up with them anyway.
Clearly she's overcompensating for something, probably the sister issue, with my MIL overcompensates too and I can't stand it. We have opened college accounts for the twins and I encourage everyone to give to those since we're broke, and they dont need any new toys or clothes.
I think you are handling this really well and commend you- good luck and feel free to vent here as much as you want.
I echo everyone else and think you and your DP need to reach a common understanding about what you want and how you want to achieve it. It is frustrating when someone blatantly ignores your wishes as a parent. It sounds, though, as your current approach is leading to an escalation of the unwanted behavior. Like you are both retrenching into your positions.
Maybe you, your DP and your MIL could sit down and talk about why you don't want her to bring gifts every time you see her and she could explain what is prompting her behavior. Maybe if you both understand the whys, you can reach a solution that works for both sides. For example, if your concerns are space and not wanting your toddler to expect gifts all of the time and her concerns are wanting your toddler to feel loved by her side of the family and to be happy, maybe you could set up special times for them to do a fun activity together (tea party with a special tea set, trip to the special playground, playdoh with the cool molds that only come out when grandma is here, etc.)
Good luck!
Thank you everyone for the advice.
My partner and I discussed it the other night. I broke down in tears and she was very supportive. She agrees with me 100% and told me she took the first toy away multiple times and MIL kept giving it back to DC. I, really, should have taken it away and put my foot down, too, but I was so angry.
DP agreed to talk to MIL and tell her that it has to stop. We live in small, cramped quarters as is and do not need more objects. She does not need to buy DC's love.
I feel better having talked to DP, but am holding my breathe that the conversation will happen anytime soon. DP does not like conflict. If she doesn't talk to her mom, then I will (again) and firmly lay down the law.