How often do you see your IL/parents if you're nearby? — The Bump
April 2011 Moms

How often do you see your IL/parents if you're nearby?

I know this will be different if they live hours away, but if you live reasonably close to your parents and ILs, how often do they see you and LO? Do you go over there or do they come to you? What would be ideal? I just didn't realize how much of an issue it was that grandparents feel they have this "right" to see LO whenever. 

I SAH right now, so I am lucky to see LO so much, but I feel like DH, DS, and I hardly get any family time. He doesn't get home until 7 a lot of nights (works till 6 usually and we live an hr away). LO is a night owl, so he gets to hang out a few hours, but that time is spent with him watching Linus so I can hurry and cook dinner, do dishes, take care of the horses, get a shower, etc. etc. so it's not exactly quality time. Then the weekend comes... His parents have started this habit of coming over every single Saturday. Many times his dad will help him with something around the house (we're going to be selling our house in the spring hopefully) which is helpful, but they are here ALL day usually. It's tiring honestly. By the time we get up and around it's noon and they're here and then often not leaving until 7 or so. I don't want them to not see Linus, but I feel like there aren't enough hours in the week. My mom comes over during the day often to see Linus which is nice since DH isn't home yet. Then my dad doesn't want to come over so feels like we need to bring Linus to him which is annoying. So many weekends his parents are over on Saturday and we're at mine on Sunday. I feel like we're just constantly "on" and can't relax together. 

I know I have the right to just say "no", but I DO want Linus to be close to his grandparents. I guess it's also just hard because Linus honestly just really doesn't see to take too well to MIL and FIL. :/ I don't know why, but a lot of times he just looks at them and cries. So it's stressful.

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Re: How often do you see your IL/parents if you're nearby?

  • Chase has LOTS of grandparents in town (My Mom, My Dad and his Wife and DH's Mom and Dad).  We Generally get together with my In-Laws on Sunday morning for brunch.  We've been doing this for years now, so it hasn't changed once Chase was born.  We see my Mom once a week.  Sometimes for Dinner at her house on the weekends, sometimes she'll come over to our house after work for couple of hours.  We usually see My Dad and his Wife every couple of weeks, generally at their place, in fact, we're going over there for dinner tonight.  It can be difficult to find time for everyone to see Chase, but it's important to DH and I for Chase to know his Grandparents. Neither of us had Grandparents close by when we were growing up.  We try to take walks together in the evenings as a family, spend time together on the weekends.  I think it's easier if you go to the Grandparents houses to visit, so you can leave on your schedule and still have family time.
    Chase was born 4/23/2011
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  • imageSouthSideDrea:

    That is foolishness.  I think they have a right to see LO, but not a right to see him whenever.  You need to talk with your parents and DH's parents, until you do that you can't really be annoyed. 

    You want them to be close, but you also want an occasional Saturday to yourself.  So, you say to them, "we're busy this Saturday, see you next week" and you speak up and tell your dad to come over with your mom because you don't feel like making a thousand trips. 

     Let go of the thing about Linus crying around your IL's, he'll grow out of that, it'll help to be around them, but you get to decide when. 

    Take the time you need for yourselves, if you don;t you'll resent the grandparents and that will end up being much worse.

     

    I agree with this 110%!!! My parents and I are super close, so I don't feel that's a fair comparison.  I see my mom typically 2-3 times a week, and she really is my best friend.  But my MIL sees LO maybe 1x every 2 weeks.  I explained to her that till I get home from work I just want to spend time with him myself. I recognize it is selfish, but sorry, that's the way it's going to be.  Thank goodness she has been very respectful so far.  

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  • imageSouthSideDrea:

    That is foolishness.  I think they have a right to see LO, but not a right to see him whenever.  You need to talk with your parents and DH's parents, until you do that you can't really be annoyed. 

    You want them to be close, but you also want an occasional Saturday to yourself.  So, you say to them, "we're busy this Saturday, see you next week" and you speak up and tell your dad to come over with your mom because you don't feel like making a thousand trips. 

     Let go of the thing about Linus crying around your IL's, he'll grow out of that, it'll help to be around them, but you get to decide when. 

    Take the time you need for yourselves, if you don;t you'll resent the grandparents and that will end up being much worse.

     

    Yes

    My parents live ten minutes away, and we see them daily. But I would have no qualms putting on the breaks if we needed some time to ourselves. Luckily, that hasn't been an issue for us, but you need to do what is right for your family.

    Period.

     

  • Thanks. I think it would be easier if we were 10 minutes or so away, but we're 45 so it's hard to make a "quick" trip. I know Linus will get used to them. I didn't mean it to sound like that's not why I don't want them around! A lot of times he really does like them. It's just frustrating because we're already stressed out about having them over all day and quite frankly, DH is just learning to set boundaries. So the whole day is stressful and add a crying baby on to it with a MIL who's taking offense because he doesn't "like" her (her words, I told her that's not true). I guess it might stem from other issues... like MIL constantly asking "did you check the bottle?" "I think he wants to eat", "I don't think he likes that", "you're doing this wrong", etc. etc. Then they don't understand that we're in the middle of trying to get him down for a nap when they show up and get in his face and wake him up. DH is finally getting fed up with them not listening to what we say in general, so I think we feel like this is part of it. Calls have turned from "is it ok if we come over this weekend" to "we'll be over at 2 on Saturday". 
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  • Both sets of parents are in town. I see my mom probably 4 days a week. My sister works retail so her day off is Tuesday so we usually spend those days together. Then we will do other stuff like walk or she will stop by or something. We have dinner with them every 1.5-2 weeks. My ILs see DS every 2 weeks max. It is weird. They rarely invite us to do anything. My mil is a teacher and FIL is self-employed and non of my SIL work (students) and no one has called me a single time to ask if they could see DS this summer. I find that odd. They are crazy though and I only want to see them the bare minimum so I guess it is okay. I was hopeful that they would be more loving toward DS than they are to DH and me, but since they are not I am fine with limiting his exposure to them.
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  • Both my parents, the IL's and all our siblings live in town. We generally see each set about once a week. Usually they make it as easy as possible for us, stopping by here or making "appointments" for when is good. I have been very clear with everyone that we love to see them and want them to see Quinn as often as possible, but we just need to make arrangements that work for everyone. 


  • We live with my parents. So, we see them way, way too much. Curt's mom we only see every couple weeks. Because I'm not a fan of her. She comes to see us most of the time, and usually stays about an hour.
    Chelsea; 7/22/2005 Carissa; 4/9/2011 Cassidy; 9/6/2012
    Baby #4; 7/7/2018
  • We're about a 15 minute drive from my ILs, and we usually see them once a week. Sometimes it's more often, but once a week is the norm.

    My parents live thousands of miles away and haven't even met Nora yet. Sad

    I agree with the others that if it isn't working for you, it's time for you and your husband to change things up and be firm about it. Good luck!

    P.S. Do they know you're pregnant again yet?

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  • imageSarahL77:

    We're about a 15 minute drive from my ILs, and we usually see them once a week. Sometimes it's more often, but once a week is the norm.

    My parents live thousands of miles away and haven't even met Nora yet. Sad

    I agree with the others that if it isn't working for you, it's time for you and your husband to change things up and be firm about it. Good luck!

    P.S. Do they know you're pregnant again yet?

    Awww. I get overwhelmed with the parents often, but it makes me sad to think about being that far away from them. :( I'm sorry. I don't meant to sound like a spoiled brat. They really are generally extremely nice people and have helped us a ton. 

    Nobody (aside from everyone on the Bump lol) knows we're pg again. We're hoping to be able to wait until my bday on sept. 8 to tell everyone. That's when we told last year with Linus. :) A little deja vu...  

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  • My parents live in Florida I'm in New York.  My ILs live next door, how ever we live in the country so there is a large field between us.  We see them when we go for our evening walk if they are sitting out side.  If it goes over a week we will stop and go inside for a visit.

    They are very respectful and want us to have our time as a family.  They also love that out of their other DILs I have been the only one who ever shows up for a visit.  My SIL (their DD) told me this a few weeks back.  I told her I want them to visit with Olivia and have a relationship. 

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  • My ILs live less than 2 miles away.  I have a good relationship with them, and they are extremely helpful with our kids.  We see them at least once a week, usually more.  They babysit for me occasionally when I need a hand, and we have dinner with them every so often, or lots of times we just drop by their house if we're out and about.  BUT, like I said, I have a very good relationship with them, which I know is pretty rare.  If I didn't get along with them so well, I would definitely feel stifled by how much we see them.
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  • My ILs live 5 min away, less than a mile probably.  We usually see them once a weekend but never all day like you have mentioned that would bother me even if it was my own family.  We get together for a meal or them come over for a few hours and I love that amount of time.  I try to be aware that if we are going to be hone all weekend or they won't b e able to see LO, I call ahead and schedule a time to get together so they can still see him that week.
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