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3rd Trimester
Confession from the MIL...
Well... here we go! MIL called DH yesterday crying because she said she feels that I am pushing her away and not letting her be involved in my pregnancy/baby's life (WTF???? My MIL will be the day care when I go back to work...she is going to see lo more than DH and I will! She helped me decorate the nursery, and she helped me pick out his funiture and she is over nearly every other weekend to go over baby stuff... my own mother hasn't even been as involved) Anyway, she was a blubbering mess about it. AND she came clean and admitted she hated me. She told DH that for the longest period of time she hated me because I took 'her son away and she saw that I made him happier than she ever could' (WOW...psycho much?) So that is why for the past 8 years she has ignored me, made mean comments towards me, and spread nasty rummors about me through out the family. (She has told people that I cheated on DH, and that I only married him for his money -- I didn't know about this until she admitted it to DH)
Now what? She said that she wants to appologize so she can be a big part in lo's life. I guess I will just let it be bc I don't want lo to suffer any family drama...but I am so frecken hurt right now. AND it leads me to believe she would still hate me if it wasn't for the fact that I am pregnant. I think if DH had cheated and knocked up some other chick she would be all gung ho over her and still hate me. I don't get it, and I think I'm at the point where I don't want to get it, and I don't want to forgive. God...everyone in the family thinks I cheated on DH? Why would she say that?
DH consoled his crying mother and told her it was ok. I would have punched her in the face, but it is his mother...so I can't tell him how to react towards her. I just feel so betrayed I guess. I knew she hated me, and I never knew why...because I made him happy. WOW. I don't know if I am mad at her, or mad at DH for not asking her WTF was wrong with you? Maybe I'm over reacting. IDK. I'm really embarrassed to even see his family right now.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Confession from the MIL...
I think you need to talk to your DH as well - let him see you are hurt, etc. And then I would think either you, or him, need to tell her that the first thing she needs to do is call up family members and say the same thing. Tell her she has to take back the lies, and explain why she said all of this. I don't see how there can be forgiveness if you will always know that people in his family judge you for things you never did, as a result of this woman.
So she admits to hating you, spreading rumors about you... but she's going to be the primary childcare giver when you and your H go back to work? Really???
BFP 1/18/11, EDD 10/1/11. Born at 37w5d on 9/15/11.
***BFP Chart***
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
This is all very strange considering you thought you and her had a normal/close relationship since she has helped you do so much for the baby. But, seriously, I would be finding other childcare. This is just crazy... she needs to tell everyone that she has lied to that those were infact lies about you. You do NOT need to be embarassed. I can see how you would be because you are probably wondering what they are thinking.. but she is the one who needs to be embarassed.
This is what I was thinking. I wonder if your little one is a "replacement" for the son she claims you took away from her. You should tell your concerns to DH and she really does owe you an apology and spread new rumors about how great you are!!
Posting from an Android sorry for any errors
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. No time is a good time, but the end of pregnancy is the worst for this kind of family drama. (Unfortunately I speak from experience.)
I think PPs have given good advice. I just wanted to let you know that it ultimately has nothing to do with you. Odds are, she'd feel this way about whoever your DH ended up with. Some moms of boys just can't let their sons go and are threatened by his having another woman in their life who is most important. So weird and twisted, I know, but it's super common.
At least your MIL recognizes her shortcomings and is willing to work it out. Count yourself lucky. And while I know it's hard, the best thing to do is to forgive and continue to give her love. No point in stooping to her level and being mean.
This. And tell your husband to man up and defend his wife!
I was also thinking this as I read it. I would be afraid that she would still say stuff and might eventually say stuff to your LO. If your DH didn't tell her how wrong what she did was she is likely to keep doing it. I personally wouldn't want to be around her or have her near my LO for a while. I think she needs to come clean to the rest of the family before you let her come around. What she has done is very inappropriate. And your DH should have defended you! You should definitely have a talk with him about how hurt you are and why what she did was not okay. Is there anyone else who can watch your LO when you go back to work?
ALL OF THIS!! this is a major red flag and you two should be running in the other direction of this woman, not letting her in even more!! I don't understand why you hung out with her so much and gave her this much input if you thought she hated you? you are not overreacting and i can't believe YH didn't stand up for you! he sounds like a mama boy for sure, watching your baby full time will only make this problem 100x worse, good luck! i'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I agree with the pp who say your DH has his priorities wayyyy out of line. If your MIL felt like you were pushing her away before, she certainly should now because now you SHOULD push her away. No babysitting, no contact. You said yourself that she would be spending more time around LO than you would - you don't think some of her hatred towards you is going to get passed along? Who knows what she will say to your LO about you when you're not around to hear it.
Sounds like DH is a mamas boy and is going to fight it but you have to put your foot down. And her "apology" sounds like a half assed suck up attempt - you apologize for stepping on someone's toe, not for being psycho and trying to ruin someone's life/marriage/relationships. You can't apologize for that.
Ugh, seriously? And DH fell for that guilt trip? Not only has she slandered you to the family, she's now admitting it as a bargaining chip? I'd be frackin' pissed at both of them. She's getting exactly what she wants, and she's not even going to be held accountable for the ugly behavior she's exhibited up to this point. Unbelievable.
If it's any consolation, I'm also neck-deep in a family crisis/drama with the in-laws. Only, in a surprising turn of events, MIL has opened her eyes to the situation as it really is and taken a stand for FI and I against his sister, who has gone completely BSC against us (I promise I'm not exaggerating) and, honestly, seems to be in the middle of a psychiatric crisis if you ask me. We're currently about 15 hours into The Meltdown, and we're all wading through the sh!t. It's insanity. I am right there with you, mama. Stay strong. -hugs-
// I love you too. //
OMG this is unbelievable and your husband said it was ok because she was crying ? How...what...huh...what ? How could you not be absolutely furious with him? I would have absolutely lost it with him. She said you cheated on him and he said it was ok ? Why on earthwould he say that ? Oh and don't give me the whole " he was shocked and it's his mom" bullcrap. For his first reaction not be be anger is beyond me.
She needs to be out of your lives. Yes, I am completely serious and no I am not over reacting. I know that you were planning on using her for childcare, but as you can see that will come with a heavy heavy price, your dignity. Call around and find some alternative childcare or else you truly will know what your self respect is worth.
Please please please don't fall for the whole " Well she is my mom, what am I supposed to do" nonsense. I know I certainly wouldn't tolerate for a single second my parents talking about my husband lilke that.
Oh and also don't fall for " Well at least she admitted it." She probably only said that because she was afraid of being caught.
Usually a lurker, but this I had to weigh in on. Ex's family (mostly his psycho grandmother) do not like me and I went through a lot of hell when we were together b/c of them. DS's dad is a douche that doesn't even try to see him and the one time I let his aunt spend time with DS I found out they were talking sh!t to DS about me. They were telling him that I'm mean b/c I didn't let his BF see him when his BF hadn't even tried to contact him. Needless to say they haven't seen DS since. You do not need this kind of drama/ negativity around you and neither does your child. If she can't learn to behave then she is probably not someone you are going to want your child around. You need to let her know how you feel and you def shouldn't have her be the babysitter when you go back to work. If you do, there is a good chance it will negatively effect your relationship with your child. Daycare will be worth the expense!
I realize your situation is a tad different because its your husband's mother but I was with this person for several years so these people were basically my ILs.
Your situtation sucks! I am so so sorry for what your MIL is putting you through. Please don't let it stress you, and I would suggest getting that toxic venomous woman out of your life and focusing on your own mother at this time. Don't let someone who has admitted to hating you eclipse your own mother when you are becoming a mommy. I am lucky. My DH hates his mother and she's in Ohio with no means to visit, and he doesn't offer to fly her. I keep in touch with his sisters and that's all. Try to play "hard to get" so to speak and bump her out just a bit. That is just a terrible immature way to act towards your daughter in law.
my nursery progress
my nursery progress
Thanks ladies for all of your responses. The more I think about it, the more angry I get at both of them. I had DH call his mom this afternoon and she said she has since told everyone that she was mistaken about me and the rumors she spread were not true. Do I believe her? Not really. (She said she started to realize her faults when I got pregnant -- Whatever)
I talked to him about her watching him, bc as PP's said, who knows what she will say infront of lo about me. We have decided that she will watch him only for the first 6 months, then we will take him to a different day care. (it's significantly cheaper to wait until he is 6 months...MIL is charging us, but it's super cheap) She is great with her other grandchildren, so I know she will be great with mine...but like everyone said...it will make things 1000x worse.
DH is a great hubby...he is just the 'lets sweet the dirt under the rug' type. If you don't talk about it and ignore it, it doesn't exist. He is 100% against confrontation...but it's either he confronts his mom or he confronts me...I've never told him that before, but that is how it's going to stand now. I'm so frecken angry. I told him that it's not going to fly and for the past 8 years I have been secretly judged by his aunts and uncles and cousins, and nieces and nephews...
I will eventually have to face his family, but I don't think I will ever forgive her...
I would think this is what needs to happen. Also find some other childcare. Yes it will cost you more in the long run, but do you really want your child poisoned against you?
Have you thought about what's going to happen when you "fire" her after 6 months? It sounds like she's the type to take that personally and will say that you "used" her when you needed her. If my MIL did to me what yours did to you, there is no way I'd pay her to babysit my baby. I'd pay the extra money and put LO in daycare right away. Don't give away your dignity to save a few dollars (unless you are in a really tight spot and have no other choice).
Exactly, stop trying to push off until tomorrow what you can do today. Rip off the bandaid now and just let her know she won't be watching your baby. Pay a little bit extra for someone who works out of their home and be done with her. Trust me it will be so so so much easier now instead of waiting till six months from now. Waiting for 6 months sounds like your DH is once again catering to her and ignoring your needs and again just sweeping the problem under the rug and hoping it will all go away and you will forget about it. Can you honestly say that she will stop watching the baby at the 6 month point? Don't you think that she and your husband will say " Ooops, it looks like the baby is so attached to her, well we can't take him out now." All she has to do is put up a little resistence and both of you will back off. Trust me, 6 months from now, she will still be watching your baby, still pushing your boundaries, still underming you as a parent and a wife and you will be left there saying "WTH just happened."
Please gather some self respect and keep yourself and your baby away from her. Not to be mean, not to punish, not to be unforgiving but to protect yourself and your baby from her toxic behavior. I promise you, this will not get better especially now that she knows that all she has to do is cry to your DH, make a fake apology and both of you will just bury your heads in the sand.
Bored and lurking....
I could have written this myself. I have been with my DF now for 7yrs. When we first got together she tried to convince him to cheat on me, then when he wouldn't she tried to convince him that I was just using him. It escalated from there and she spread rumors about me and my family... I could go on and on. Anyways, when I got pregnant she started being nice to me so I really tried to be nice back and keep her as involved as I could with her being 7.5hrs away. For a while after my DS was born she really seemed to be coming around. As time passed her crap started back up again but worse because she tries to use my son and though I wanted to completely remove her from my life, I felt bad because she is his grandmother. Yesterday I finally decided to put my foot down and say enough. Until she starts respecting me, my family, and my DF she will not be able to have anything to do with my son! She doesn't have to like me but enough with the lies and manipulation.
Anyways, if I were you I would definitely stand up for yourself now so you don't have to go through any more. Personally, if I could afford it, I wouldn't let her watch my LO because I definitely wouldn't want that negative energy around. However, if you can't make sure you put your foot down and let her know what you want and what is going to happen if she doesn't do it as hard as it may be.
And as for his family, I wouldn't be scared to face them... you didn't do anything! Your MIL should be scared to face them and I think she should be made out as the liar she is (maybe I am a little bitter lol).
Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!
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I think that it is good that you talked to you DH about this. I kind of feel for him because I have some crazy people in my family that my husband has to put up with. I have been trained that the best way to deal with a crazy relative is to agree with them until they calm down, and after that come up with a game plan. It looks like this is the route that your DH took, just make sure that the future game-plan involves him stepping up. I would say that if it is financially viable look into other daycare options, only because your MIL seems to have more psychological issues than I would be comfortable with. I think she needs counseling, if only they had DIL and MIL counseling like they have marriage counseling.
My MIL hates me for the exact same reason. It is pretty psycho and very unhealthy. Its a one-way Oedipus situation. My H cut the cord, and she is basically grasping at the end of it trying to poke it back into his bellybutton. The best part is that she has 4 other kids she could be nurturing but since my H is the oldest (and most responsible, and the only one who makes a decent living for her to borrow money off of) he is the only one that matters.
Being married to the golden child is so much fun.
Yeah, that might be a decision you want to review. Giving light to certain feelings what makes you think that she wouldn't hurt and or try to turn the child against you once LO is old enough to understand. She could really end up hurting the baby physically if she thought you were giving her son to much attention... who knows how she will feel about the attention LO is going to get from Daddy.
I'd be getting a new daycare plan together pronto!