MIL Staying A Month After Birth

JanessaP

My MIL, who lives in France, is planning a month-long trip to visit us for the birth of our first child (and her first grandchild). I completely understand her wanting to spend as much time as possible with us and the baby, because she will not be around to watch her grow up, and I want her to be as hands-on a grandmother as possible and for my daughter to actually know her. However, as someone who does not enjoy house guests for longer than a week, even without a newborn to care for, I am more than a little anxious about the whole situation. She and I, though we are not all that close, get along well when we are together, and she has never been anything but supportive of DH and I. And I am sure that she will be respectful of the boundaries I have already set (that *I* care for baby, she can help with dinner, dishes, etc). Not to mention, DH has assured me that he will make sure that she understands my wishes. However, I am only getting one month of maternity leave, and with our small two bedroom, one bath home, I am afraid that I will be going back to work feeling cheated out of those first important weeks of bonding with my baby. Not to mention, my mother can be jealous, and I already have my hands full with her not wanting to respect my boundaries on how much time I am willing to have visitors in the beginning; I mean, if MIL is living with us, she is going to feel like she should be able to be there 24/7 as well. I already see a stressful situation there ... Don't get me wrong, I know I am going to appreciate all the help I can get, but I feel anxious about never having a calm, alone moment with my brand new family during my precious few weeks off. I would really like for her to postpone her trip for a month or two (I already had to ask that she cut it short, she wanted to stay for 3 months!) or am I being selfish? (she would love to be there for the birth). I keep trying to tell myself that I have my baby's whole life to be with her and to bond with her, and that MIL will have to return to France after only one short month, but I can't shake this anxiety over what should be a wonderful time. Any advice from anyone who had a similar experience will be greatly appreciated!

MsCrispy

What was her response about waiting a month? I would want her to come when you go back to work in order to delay when your LO goes into day care. If you put it that way rather than because you don't want her there, it may go over better.

It's a lot of time, but if she will actually be helpful, you may appreciate it. I'd just make sure that DH makes sure that she understands the rules and is willing to step in if she deviates.

elledizzy

I just went through this same situation with my own mother. We had planned to have her stay with me for 2-3 weeks post baby (this December), but after having her here for 1 week this summer, I realized how stressful it was on me to have a house guest - even withOUT a new baby!

IMO, its your recovery, and your baby, and time is limited. So  make your choice wisely. If I were you, I'd at least wait to have her there until you're settled and into some sort of a schedule.  Don't feel bad about changing plans or pushing back dates. Yes, people want to see the baby, but a house guest for a month with a new baby sounds MISERABLE. Especially if you're more introverted and need your space and calm.  

PBugMom

MsCrispy:

What was her response about waiting a month? I would want her to come when you go back to work in order to delay when your LO goes into day care. If you put it that way rather than because you don't want her there, it may go over better.

This.  I am on the fence about having someone stay with you immediately after the baby is born (in our case, we could've used the help, but spent the first 4 weeks in a zombielike state and those who came to stay with us for a week after week #1 mentioned we weren't the best hosts).  But I will say I think it's incredibly presumptuous when people just assume they'll be invited to attend the birth. Is there some other relative who lives nearby she can stay with?

Also, keep in mind that you can't really tell a guest, "you can do chores but not help out with the baby."  And that the first grandchild is a HUGE adjustment period for any parent/grandparent, and that whatever hard feelings develop now when you're setting the boundaries, will very likely be gone within a few months.

Madringal

Does she have to come as soon as the baby is born? Can she wait until you go back to work and then she can maybe stay home with the baby and help out that way?

water-fairy

By my very own experience I can tell you that it WILL be really stressful. We had MIL (AND her partner) here for a month after DS was born - not my choice, but she never stays less than a month and it is starting to really bother me. IT WAS A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE. If you can, put your foot down for different arrangements. And if you can't then I wish you the best of luck. It will be a major PITA.

I am head over heels in depression and anxiety attacks these days because my dear, dear husband, told his mom she could come for 1 month - at most 6 weeks and OF COURSE she is coming for 6 weeks, around Christmas. I told DH that I will pack the baby and go to a hotel the first day she stresses me out, which will probably be a week after they get here. I also told him that he is to work from home the entire duration of her visit - no escape to the office for the mister, like he did last time. And I will make sure DH is miserable the whole time. I have also made it clear that from next year there will be no guests at our house. I think before I continue I need to made a note that we moved to Cali from Europe, so our families are there (Italy and Albania). Anyway, I told DH that from next year, if his mom wants to spend time with the kids she is welcome to buy her son and DS tickets and they can both fly to Italy for a couple of weeks while I stay here with the baby and the cat. I am not putting up with this *** anymore. It such a stressful situation. This means I can no longer have my parents come here either (but they stay nowhere near a month because my of my dad's business). I HATE this situation. 

jvlund84

Madringal:

Does she have to come as soon as the baby is born? Can she wait until you go back to work and then she can maybe stay home with the baby and help out that way?

This. Could she come after you go back and stay a little longer then a month. This way you get to spend the time with LO and she also gets to stay a little longer to help out and spend time with her first grandchild/

ludicrous

I do not think you are being unreasonable.  We havea 5 night rule in our house.  There is no one that I could tolerate for a month unless maybe it was a live in maid that I was not reponsible for entertaining.  I still don't think I could handle that though.  If you are ok with her coming for that long, I don't think her waiting a while is unreasonable.  With our first, I didn't have my mom come out for 6 weeks (originally planned for 3 but I had her push it back at the last minute because I needed more time on my own) and MIL came at 8 weeks.

mrookie

If you haven't discussed it with your MIL I would ask her if she could wait 2-3 wks after the birth to come out. 

Tell her that you want her to be able to have some really good quality time with her first grandchild and if she is here while you are at work she gets baby all to herself and is going to be helping you out a TON.

Sounds like you have a good albeit distant relationship with her and the idea of getting to spend more one on one time could persuade her to come just a little later.  

Galaxy8227

I wouldn't want a houseguest for a month at any point--let alone after giving birth.  I agree about seeing if she could come later on to help out when you go back to work or something

Janimal

No one should ever visit and stay with anyone else for a month.  Under the very best circumstances its a bad idea - add a newborn and a new mommy to the mix and yeow!

I would seriously look into a hotel room nearby. That way she can get away and get some sleep and you can have some privacy.

Disneygeek77

I have been on the bump/nest for several years and having guests come too soon and stay too long soon after the birth of a baby is one of the biggest regrets I see time and time again ( as evidenced by a PP). 

I understand that her feelings will be hurt, but that is life.  Right now your desire to have some time alone with your baby before you go back to work is more important than her feelings.  Those first few weeks are really difficult but also very precious and you will never get them back again.  I also understand that she is an excited grandmother and wants those  memories too; however, your desires and wishes are more important. 

I would ask her to wait a few weeks before she comes out and possibly even stay at a hotel for the first week she is out here.  This way you get some much needed bonding and adjusting time and she  still gets to see the baby. 

MrsG.060708

stw_77:

I have been on the bump/nest for several years and having guests come too soon and stay too long soon after the birth of a baby is one of the biggest regrets I see time and time again ( as evidenced by a PP). 

I understand that her feelings will be hurt, but that is life.  Right now your desire to have some time alone with your baby before you go back to work is more important than her feelings.  Those first few weeks are really difficult but also very precious and you will never get them back again.  I also understand that she is an excited grandmother and wants those  memories too; however, your desires and wishes are more important. 

I would ask her to wait a few weeks before she comes out and possibly even stay at a hotel for the first week she is out here.  This way you get some much needed bonding and adjusting time and she  still gets to see the baby. 

All of this!

With DD1, my ILs came to visit when she was 2 weeks old. They stayed one week, and in a hotel, and it was still incredibly stressful. I was exhausted, still getting the hang of breastfeeding and did not feel like I should have to entertain guests or share my new baby SO MUCH during those first few precious weeks. Sure, a few hours a day...but they were at our house from sun up to sun down (like till midnight!) and we did a lot of running around which made my recovery a little tougher.

I have thicker skin this time around and told DH that if his parents come this time (they dispise the winter, even though they've never experienced it) that they need to wait longer and/or not stay ALL day at the house, especially since this time around I'll have a newborn and a toddler to take care of, as well as still attending school (and DH won't have time off)!

 

[Deleted User]

Ask her to come when you go back to work. You will have bonding time, you will have developed a better routine, she will get way more time with the baby, and the baby will be more active.

If that doesn't work, www.vrbo.com

varkeyr

MsCrispy:

What was her response about waiting a month? I would want her to come when you go back to work in order to delay when your LO goes into day care. If you put it that way rather than because you don't want her there, it may go over better.

It's a lot of time, but if she will actually be helpful, you may appreciate it. I'd just make sure that DH makes sure that she understands the rules and is willing to step in if she deviates.

This!

JanessaP

Thanks for all of your advice, I'm relieved to know that I'm not being irrational or selfish in this situation! Hearing what you all have had to say has given me the confidence to call up MIL and suggest that she wait a month before coming. She was quite disappointed at first, but after hearing that she would have 100% grandma/granddaughter time while DH and I are at work, I think she is more excited than ever! I am really glad I decided to speak up, a huge weight has been lifted off my chest, and I feel like everyone is now going to be able to really enjoy this wonderful blessing. I'm still not thrilled about how long she is staying, but I am going to take full advantage of having an extra set of hands (that are excellent at cooking, by the way!) and make sure that we are all on good terms when she does leave. And I know it means a lot to DH who was very close with his family before moving across the world to be with me

 

Thanks again for the help!

RubyRed80

I see where you coming from.  My mom and my SIL is staying for a week.  Now I have no problem with them coming I just wanted my fiance and I to have time to ourselves to bond with the baby.  I hope that everybody doesn't take off all at one time because I believe in my heart that it will be a stressful time.  For her to come all the way from France, I guessing she doesn't get the opportunity to do that alot and once she goes back it's will be for a bit longer.  It could be good if you could talk her one on one but I understand that as well.  That's why I always say it's good that people talk to one another first instead of just going ahead and making plans without consulting others.  It makes matters worst.

aleksmar

Look, I have no experience, BUT I was told that the 2 weeks after birth are really important for you and hubby and baby to be a family. In fact, my hubby is taking 2 weeks off, just to be with us. I wanted my mom to come and help me(Mini will be her first grandchild too), but I changed my mind and asked her to come 2 weeks later when hubby goes back to work.
Ask your MIL to come later-make some time for you and your little family after birth. Establish yourselves as parents, get to know your LO, and then, after a few weeks invite grandma. It's not selfish, it's natural to want to be alone for the first little while!

My MIL is coming from Italy when Mini is 6 months old. and will probably stay a month...

CalinsBride

I would have DH tell her that it would be more helpful if she could come once your mat leave is over. I wouldn't accept a house guest in our 2 bedroom apartment for a month, at ALL, let alone right after giving birth. Call me selfish but it's my home and I need my space.

mabst196

Have her come when you go back to work. You can go back to work, she can spend as much time with the baby as she wants while you are at work and save a bit on childcare and you won't have to deal with her as much. Win win for everyone.