Would you tell your child their bdad was a murderer?

hereonceagain

If you fost/adopted, would you tell your child their bdad was a murderer?  and that their bmom is/was a prositute and drug dealer?  And if you would reveal all this, at what age?  Obviously when it's age appropriate, but what range do you think that may be?

Cissi64

Our adopted kids have similar issues in their birth families ( not quite as bad as what you are talking about but close) We chose not to tell them anything until they were  into their teens (15 and 16) and only some behaviors the BPs had that they are that they were showing sign of developing.  We put it to them like "These are some of the things your BPs did and these are the consequences they suffered.  Do you think that is acceptable behavior?  Do you want to suffer those consequences? You have some decisions to make about your life and the direction you want it to go. Just because your BPs did those things doesn't mean you have to. if you feel overwhelmed, we'll get you counseling." ,etc.  We have not told them everything and may not ever unless the situation warrants it. We have not told our youngest DS very much at all.  He is more sensitive and since he was younger when he was placed and adopted, he doesn't relaly remember his BFamily.

I think you have to weigh the "good" them knowing might do versus the "damage" if the info is something really disturbing.

Dr.Loretta

I didn't fost/adopt, but we have very little info on DD's bdad and from the sounds of it he was a jerk at best.

I wouldn't go into much detail until they were likely in their teens, and I would probably seek counseling or some other type of resources to learn how to explain that type of information to my child. In the early years it would probably be something along the lines of "your birthparents weren't in a very good place in their lives and we wanted so much to be the best mom and dad we could be."

MrsKolasa

I think that I would make sure that I consulted a mental health professional that has experience with foster kids. After talking with them and explaining the situation, I would have my child start seeing them and we would figure it out together.

Such a tricky situation.

MamaB2009

I think it all depends on the child and no one can tell you an appropriate age or range.  I would enlist the help of a therapist...one who has dealt with both adoption issues as well as some of the issues you have listed above.

hereonceagain

I found a great adoption psychologist and she was adopted herself.  I plan to go see her to bring up these topics.  Should I wait till LO is older to go see a professional?  My LO is only a toddler now. 

I skipped a breath last week when my LO came to me and said "I have two mommy's?"....she is only 2 yrs old and I didn't expect this for years!  She never lived with her bmom...we got her at birth, but I did visits with bmom.

Dr.Loretta

hereonceagain:

I found a great adoption psychologist and she was adopted herself.  I plan to go see her to bring up these topics.  Should I wait till LO is older to go see a professional?  My LO is only a toddler now. 

I would see the psychologist yourself and discuss when your DD should be included in therapy sessions.

I skipped a breath last week when my LO came to me and said "I have two mommy's?"....she is only 2 yrs old and I didn't expect this for years!  She never lived with her bmom...we got her at birth, but I did visits with bmom.

I expect that to be a regular part of our conversation from a pretty early age with DD. From the sounds of it your DD knows she was adopted, so of course she's going to be curious as to what's up with her first-mom. This would likely be a good place to start with the therapist. GL and let us know how it goes.

CaptainSerious

To add on to what Dr. L. said, I would talk to her openly about the fact that her birth family couldn't parent her, and so you were found to be the parents she needed.  Explain that sometimes people have babies at a point in their lives that they aren't able to parent, and in those cases, other people who want to raise children bring them home to love.  It's okay to just say that they weren't able to raise/take care of  her for now, she doesn't need to know much more than that for a while.

As she grows and presses for more, there are varying levels of information you can give her, based on her age and what you think it appropriate at the time:

 * they didn't have the skills/money/support to parent you;

 * they had to go away for a while;

 * they did bad things and as a result they weren't able to be here to take care of you; etc.

You can eventually work up to telling them that they went to prison or had their parental rights terminated, and possibly with time, what the exact offense(s) was/were.  I believe this type of information is best when it's always provided truthfully, and when it's given in small enough bits over time, allowing the child to digest and understand it without being totally overwhelmed or shocked in one sitting.

PrincessShay80

My daughter was foster to adopt and I will not tell her that her BM was a prositute and a drug dealer, we don't know who the birthfather is, we were told he was most likely a "customer" of the birth moms. Under no circumstances will that ever be relayed to DD,what good can come of that? She will know she is adopted, I would assume we will start those conversations when she is around 4 or 5, but the graphic details will be left out. All she needs to know is that her BM was not able to care for her and we adopted her.

If we change our minds and get a lot of questions later down the road, like into teen age years then maybe I would consider giving her some of the details, but most toddlers are not going to ask if thier BM was a drug dealer or a prositute. I feel its important to tell them they are adopted at a young age, but the details can come later, if ever.

mamatojts

PrincessShay80:

My daughter was foster to adopt and I will not tell her that her BM was a prositute, we don't know who the birthfather is, we were told he was most likely a "customer" of the birth moms. Under no circumstances will that ever be relayed to DD,what good can come of that? All she needs to know is that her BM was not able to care for her and we adopted her.

 

this, and probably not until they're truly able to understand it. 

srmmm09

Man, even just thinking about the possibility of your LO meeting BM or BD ever ever should mean you may not want to tell LO of such grievous things.

Honestly, it will mess with your LO, regardless of age, and I'm willing to bet BM & BD are more than just a murderer and a prostitute as human beings, you know? The BD of the LO I place for adoption was a drug dealer, but he also like to read Faulkner and was very talented at playing the bass and guitar. He wasn't a great guy, and I'm glad he's not the person DS looks up to as Dad, but he wasn't a complete worthless dirtbag.

I just think, unless you know their whole life story, I'm betting it's just going to be harmful.

hopecounts

I'm a lurker and hope it's ok to post.

I just wanted to add beware of Google.

My 10 yr old niece is fascinated w/ googling family members. Don't ask me where she learned this but she accidently came across some less than flattering stuff about her Birth Mom fortunately nothing that bad but Sis and her DH had to address it w/ all the kids once she knew.

I'd google the BPs names and if it comes up be prepared to deal w/ it before the child comes across it. Remember arrests/convictions are public records and can be easily found. How awful would it be if your child was looking for info and googled and found out that stuff w/o any warning or preparation.

It's crazy how early kids become computer literate these days and there is all kinds of info online. Don't underestimate what they can/will do.

sw_in_kc

We didn't do foster to adopt, but our DD is a product of a rape of a 14 year old girl. We don't intend to ever tell DD about her BF, as we don't want her to know she was the product of a crime. BF is in another state, and I have googled him and can find no information on him. Our adoption petition does have the specifics, which will remain locked away.

Also, we decided only to tell our moms about her BF, and that was only because the adoption petition was sent to BF at his last known address to inform him of the child and the court time and date. This petition had our address on it, and I freaked out a little that this guy could come to my door anytime, and DH works nights sometimes. We wanted someone to know in the rare chance something did happen.

navybride06

I am adopted.  I actually searched 2 summers ago and found my birthparents, I knew basic information and had a friend run a background check.

I contacted my BM same day, that relationship lasted a few months (I was 24 at the time) and she flew from CA to NY to meet me and didn't understand why I wasn't ready.   

My BD is dead, he was a rapist, murderer and committed suicide apparently (power of google) all this was WAY after I was born and I was adopted at birth.  I have NO interest in ever contacting his family now because I don't want any association with them.

While I am okay I found out I also wish I left it a mystery.  I have always known I was adopted, my 2 cousins were also adopted but not interested in finding their BP.

Also my parents were not thrilled when I found them (behind their backs), and I felt horrible crushing them. 

GLynn2009

Be prepared for your kids to start asking questions young.

DD just turned 4 and has been asking little things for about a year now. We have a very open adoption so that may be why. My sister had a baby last year and it has been often that DD2 ask if she was in my belly. Then she asks if the older kids were in my belly. I tell her she was not but that they were. She then ask who's belly was she in and I give her BM name. It has not all clicked yet as we have very limited contact with BM but I think it soon will. DD2's Birth aunt is about to have a baby and DD2 tells people that "we" are having a baby..... the first time she said it my mother asked if we had news. DD2 is very smart and I feel like the questions will be harder for us to answer. DD's BM has a long history of drugs which I do not plan on telling her yet but I believe it will come up before I am ready for it. I feel no reason to tell her how she was conceived since BM is not sure who the BF is.