Womenly advice needed- long

mabelanna

Ok- I don?t post often, ok really ever, but I am in need of some serious advice from other ladies about how to deal with a situation. 

Long story short, a good friend of mine recently married my husband?s best friend.  We were overjoyed and couldn?t be happier for the both of them.  She asked me to be the Matron of Honor, which I reluctantly accepted as she has other very good girlfriends.  Her response was that since my hubby was the Best Man it was very fitting that I would be the Matron of Honor.  For the past 6 months we have been planning and planning.  I paid for her Couples Wedding shower, an out of town Bachelorette trip, designed all of her invitations, save the date, etc., made the wedding favors and hosted a Bride?s brunch at my house the day of the wedding.

While I did all of this without a second thought- here?s the issue:

Afternoon of the wedding, I am being ordered by her to go get 2 different lunches for her, pay for her kids? meals, and pay for the hair updo that she initially said she would cover.  Once we get to the site, I am being yelled at and degraded by her in front of family and friends.  Imagine Bridezilla, but worse.  Every word in the book- you name it, I was called it and repeatedly.  Then, after the ceremony, it all starts up again.  I am being ordered to take over the photographer?s job as they are not moving fast enough.  When I asked her to calm down and stop shouting, I was berated once again for causing a scene at her wedding.  The next morning, my hubby and I attended a Family brunch at the hotel we were told we must stay overnight at (even though our house is 30 minutes away) and once again, she was very rude to me when I didn?t sit at the table with her family.  At that point, I just really could not take it anymore. 

Now, I am having a hard time getting over feeling like I was used- financially and emotionally.  I grew up in a very harsh family and am used to getting in my fair share of verbal arguments and have broad shoulders.  However, I haven?t been spoken to like that ever.  I cant quite understand how 1 friend could do that to another.  Yes, I get it was her wedding day, but to be even worse after the wedding, including the day after?

The icing on the cake was yesterday when she returned to work and told me- you, know I?ve really been thinking about the wedding and there is something I really regret- I regret not putting your husband in a vest.  I was so dumbfounded!  I cant even think happy thoughts about the wedding and now she wants me to look at the pics of it with her and watch the video.  Ugh. 

Again, sorry for the long story, but I really need to know how to address this without sounding selfish or how to just get over it.  At this point, I would really be happy with severing ties.  I no longer picture her as the good friend I thought she was. I feel like she really showed who she was and what kind of person she was that night. 

mabelanna

Also, I just realized I need Womanly advice- not womenly... oopsies!

Zenya

sever ties!

aglenn

Zenya:

sever ties!

This.  I have no tolerance for that kind of behavior, though, and don't think your wedding day is an excuse to act like an @ss. 

Angela814

I think that if you want to remain friends, you need to talk to her about exactly what happened and how it made you feel. What do you have to lose? As is, she's not someone you want to be friends with anyway. The worst thing that happens is you end up severing ties, which may actually be the best thing.

EastCoastBride

So you work with her?  In what capacity?  I just think being coworkers along w/ friends could complicate things.

However, it sounds like you need to talk to her.  Tell her that you are really hurt at how she treated you on her wedding day and you're having a hard time letting it go.  Then... see what she says.

If she tries to blow it off (Oh, come on!  It was my wedding day!  I was stressed.  You know how it is...), don't let her.  Tell her that friends dont' treat friends like that and it's really changed how you view her.  You want to move forward, but that can't happen if she can't even recognize that she was wrong....

I would truly accept nothing that a GENUINE apology from her.  And if you dont' get that, then I would start to distance myself from her.  I don't think any grand statement needs to be made (I do think you need to be careful as you work together), but I think she'll get it.  She'll know why you aren't "buddy buddy" w/ her anymore.

Yodajo

How is it even a question whether or not you should sever ties? 

tlxh7

EastCoastBride:

So you work with her?  In what capacity?  I just think being coworkers along w/ friends could complicate things.

However, it sounds like you need to talk to her.  Tell her that you are really hurt at how she treated you on her wedding day and you're having a hard time letting it go.  Then... see what she says.

If she tries to blow it off (Oh, come on!  It was my wedding day!  I was stressed.  You know how it is...), don't let her.  Tell her that friends dont' treat friends like that and it's really changed how you view her.  You want to move forward, but that can't happen if she can't even recognize that she was wrong....

I would truly accept nothing that a GENUINE apology from her.  And if you dont' get that, then I would start to distance myself from her.  I don't think any grand statement needs to be made (I do think you need to be careful as you work together), but I think she'll get it.  She'll know why you aren't "buddy buddy" w/ her anymore.

This. ECB,you always know how to put into words what I'm thinking!

littlemermaid

 This is a tough one because you work with her and your husband is best friends with her husband.  Is she a person who if you cut ties with her, will she make it difficult for her husband to be friends with your husband?  Will she make working conditions difficult for you, bad mouth you to others?  If she will I would just drop it and limit being with her only when absolutely necessary.  If not, then I would have a calm discussion with her and let her know that your feelings were really hurt by her words and actions towards you on that day.  Then I would drop it, never bring it up, and just tolerate her on the few occasions you might have to be in the same room with her.  You don't have to watch her video or look at her pictures.  Tell her thank you but that is something she should do with her husband and remind her you were there and don't care to relive it.  Too bad none of her bad behavior was caught on tape.

mabelanna

littlemermaid:

 This is a tough one because you work with her and your husband is best friends with her husband.  Is she a person who if you cut ties with her, will she make it difficult for her husband to be friends with your husband?  Will she make working conditions difficult for you, bad mouth you to others?  If she will I would just drop it and limit being with her only when absolutely necessary.  If not, then I would have a calm discussion with her and let her know that your feelings were really hurt by her words and actions towards you on that day.  Then I would drop it, never bring it up, and just tolerate her on the few occasions you might have to be in the same room with her.  You don't have to watch her video or look at her pictures.  Tell her thank you but that is something she should do with her husband and remind her you were there and don't care to relive it.  Too bad none of her bad behavior was caught on tape.

 

Mostly this re: work and husband's relationship.  I struggle with saying anything bc I know she is very combative.  One of those, it's great when they are on your side kind of situations.  I know I cant sever ties completely, but thanks for making me realize it's ok if I dont want to hang out every weekend and go to lunch together every day.  I think my calendar just got very booked! 

And, for what's it worth- it wasnt just me.  She was jumping on another friend pretty badly and when she returned from her honeymoon (yesterday) she said she wanted to confront her on a few things.  I just took up for the friend and reiterated she needed to appreciate everything her friends did for her and a thank you would go much farther than any other comment she may have.

Still in limbo on whether to say anything or not (not convinced it will do any good) so I really appreciate all of the comments.

veloelle

Don't host any future baby showers for her, she sucks as a friend.