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3rd Trimester
mteston
member
SO annoyed with H (he doesn't deserve the D right now)
mteston
member
OKAY, so I will warn you, this could get long. I have posted about my H before but I just don't understand how his little brain works. It drives me insane how clueless he is.
For the past week he's been talking to some of the guys from his shop about going to Seattle to the Falcon's game ( I guess they are playing the Seahawks?.. is that Seattles NFL team?). Well, today he comes home for lunch and tells me he is going. Okay, whatever. Then he says, you want to go to Seattle for the day? First of all, it's the first week in Oct. I'm due Oct. 26. Walking around and "exploring" Seattle while I'm a few weeks from my due date, chasing around a 3 year old, and hanging out with women that I don't know while H is getting wasted at a football game isn't really my idea of a good time. but THANKS! So then I ask him how much tickets were... $140 for 1 ticket! Are you kidding me? I just looked at him and went back to doing the dishes. After a few minutes he asked me if I was mad. What difference does it make? You already bought the ticket.
It always seems to come back to this. I am a SAHM. So the only income we have is his. He is also in the Air Force and we live on base so the only bills we have are my car payment and insurance, cell phones, cable, and groceries. The only thing I buy are the groceries. The rest H pays because he's better at it than I am. I never get anything for myself. This past weekend I went to lunch and to Carter's with another girl that I just met on base and I spent 40 bucks. 10 for lunch and 30 at Carter's on our children. H didn't say anything about it but I know he wasn't thrilled about it. Right now, I have 1 pair of shorts, a pair of jeans, and a dress that fit me. I have like 3 shirts. Every time I get ready to go somewhere I end up in tears before it's over with because I have nothing to wear. I'm out of blush, all of my eye make-up brushes are broken, my blow dryer barely works, even my H said something about it and yet I get no money for anything. I get the third degree for spending 150 bucks at the grocery store on food but it's okay for him to spend 140 for a NFL ticket?! Every weekend he spends atleast 30 bucks on beer.
UGH it just pisses me off so bad because before we moved here I was making my own money. Good money. And now I have to depend on him for everything but obviously that's not working out either because the only thing I get is a roof over my head and food. $140?? We could have bought a new pack -n- play, an activity mat, a stroller, or a walker for our new baby. Not to mention the money he's going to be spending on beer and food while he's there. I see all these SAHM's here who's husbands do the same thing as mine, making the same money, and they are able to spend money on whatever, without even asking.
Today I just feel like crying.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SO annoyed with H (he doesn't deserve the D right now)
awe Im sorry! I can relate in some ways.
First of all you have a Job its called being a SAHM! thats a 24/7 job
Second of all you need to discuss with him that you are in dire need of some clothing, it is not fair to you.
I moved from Canad to the States almost a year ago and had a terrible time finding work so when I found out I was pregnant we just decided I would wait till the baby was here before I went to work. My husband is the sole provider and I get what I need, I grocery shop, I pay the bills because I am the one who is better at it however I get lectured when I spend money on things other than bills. I also get the "i thought you were still looking for work" Lecture which is fun!
I would like to add that 140 isnt that bad at least compared to my husband who just spent 3000 dollars on frigging computer parts... yes I said 3000 dollars so he could build his dream computer... what do I think? well lets see childrens college fund?
I am still sooo sorry for you and I hope that things improve. I wouldnt go on a trip either that close to my due date... Men dont think sometimes lol
I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but honestly, your H is total @ss. You've posted before about problems with him- playing video games all hours, not paying attention to your son, disciplining your son when it suits him, are recent ones I remember.
I am a SAHM and I would be out the door if my H treated me the way yours treats you. You need respect and a budget, ASAP.
It's insane to me that he is holding groceries against you. That is no different than paying for your car, phone etc. You need to figure out your necessary expenses- the bills you listed, then decide how much to save each month, after that you should have an EQUAL amount of fun money each week. If he doesn't care enough about you to keep things fair I really don't know why you'd stay.
Is he spending $30 a week on beer at home or at a bar? If it's at home it sounds like he may have a drinking problem on top of everything else.
You need to stand up for yourself & let him know that things in your marriage need to change for it to work. I'd seriously consider marriage counseling.
I don't want to wait tables while I'm pregnant. I used to wait tables and there is a lot more work involved rather than just getting a drink refill and bringing the food. lol. I've thought about hosting somewhere but every time I talk to H about it he says I'd be spending more on gas to get there than I'd be making... Which could be true because we don't live close to anything at the moment.
I have my own debit card, we have a joint account and I have my own bank account (with about 10 bucks in there) but I'm not allowed to just go spend money.
ITA. How do you let someone disrespect you like this? And, spending $140 on an NFL ticket without discussing it first is insane. Next paycheck, get to the bank and withdraw it all. Sit down with labeled envelopes and budget for the pay period. Put the appropriate amount of money into each envelope and that's that.
And, post the ticket on craigslist... or, see if his mutual friends want to buy it off him.
It is not HIS money. It is YOUR money -- shared. It is for the common well fare of your household.
This is absolutely disgusting.
ETA: I'm surprised he's letting you name your son Lane Griffin with it being so close to Lane Kiffin... I'm assuming he's either a Seahawks or a Falcons fan
Bump ate my response, trying again-
Why is he allowed to spend $ without checking with you, but you can't without checking with him? There should be a set $ amount that neither of you can go over without checking with the other.
Have you talked to him about how bad this is making you feel?
Yea, I think the same about the drinking thing. AND if I lived closer to home, I would leave.. but being 2000 miles away from family doesn't help the situation. Also, if we were still back in GA and he was working and I was working, we wouldn't be having these problems.
Did I read correctly "YOUR NOT ALLOWED TO JUST SPEND MONEY". (--that would not fly with me. WOW! I am not a SAHM I work, for this very reason I like to have my own job and be independent. We both have shared bank accounts I know that I just wont go on a shopping spree and spends tons of money. If I do I'll tell him hey can I splurge a bit, of course once I know all our bills have been paid. But most of the splurging that we do is for the baby anyways.
But if he or I are going to go spend $140 we usually let the other one know hey what do you think if I buy this laptop or football ticket or a new wardrobe. Definitly DH always tell me he does not care how much I spend on food, because we all got to eat.
So sorry that you are annoyed but you should really sit down with him and alk to him about how you feel. Atleast hey invited you, but really it's a few weeks before you give birth. Hope everything works out.
Your problem isn't money, it's communication.
You need to voice your concerns to him and demand that you two make it work. This means communicating about all purchases so 1) he understands where your grocery $ goes and 2) he understands that he can't just buy whatever he wants without an agreed upon fun money amount set up each month.
Leaving isn't the answer, talking is. You guys are clearly not on the same page and you can't blame him for it. His behavior is totally disrespectful, but it sounds like you don't demand much respect from him.
So...you were making good money before, and now you're (seemingly grudgingly) stuck at home. You spend a pittance on necessities, not even yourself most of the time, and your H complains about it. Every time you come up with an idea for getting gainful employment, your H shoots the idea down. And then he runs around spending money like it's nobody's business.
Sounds a bit like a controlling relationship to me. You've been dragged down to where you can scarcely take care of yourself unless your H gives you enough pennies to scrape up the necessities. That's some serious bullsh!t.
I'm a SAHM, but the money FI makes is considered, from the start, to be OUR money, for OUR family, and he actually has me at the budgeting helm. It just so happens that I'm better at budgeting than he is, but we both have a say in money distribution. The reason this works is because we have a lot of trust in one another and communicate well, and the needs of our family are clear and at the forefront. We both have to sacrifice, and when we can splurge we make a joint decision and splurge together. I'm pretty sure this should be how it is for everyone. Whoever is better at budgeting can do the budget, but both partners should be involved in the process and have a say as to where the money goes. And both partners should have equal rights to play money - no partner should begrudge the other the right to splurge now and then. It's a simple matter of discussion and mutual respect.
I really think you should put your foot down about this and if he puts you down or tries to justify his behavior, and refuses to see how damaging and disrespectful the lack of balance in your marriage is, you really ought to consider counseling of some sort. Or running for the hills.
// I love you too. //
I don't know about your previous posts, but I'm a SAHM and I agree that you need work something out where it's fair for both of you and if he's not willing to do that then you need to have a serious 'come to Jesus' talk about your marriage. I make the budget in our house and DH and I get fair dibs on any fun cash that's left over after everything's paid. He trusts me to get things done, but he also has open access to all of the info himself. Your DH should probably consider treating you with similar respect.
Wow, so sorry you're married to a controlling, selfish, immature d!ck.
Maybe one day he'll wake up and realize how much of an as$ he is and how he's treating you is beyond wrong. But, probably not. I hope you learn to be less angry about your lack of being able to purchase anything that gives you enjoyment over time, because it's pretty clear that a tiger won't just up and change his stripes because he feels like it.
BFP 1/18/11, EDD 10/1/11. Born at 37w5d on 9/15/11.
***BFP Chart***
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but as the other ladies have said, you really need to sit and have a discussion with him.
I am a SAHM also, but it's me who handles paying all utilities, buying groceries, etc.... My husband commutes an hour a day to work and gets an "allowance" for gas, drinks and food every week. Every week he also gets his beer money which is a set amount and if one week we're tight on cash, he doesn't get it and is fine with that.
We never make large purchases without discussing it first and deciding together. Our system totally works for us. You and your husband need to work out a system that works for BOTH of you. Right now it seems to me that he believes that he makes the money, he can spend it whenever, however he chooses. Family needs should always come before the extras.
This. There's so many red flags all over this. You're not allowed to spend money? You get in trouble for spending too much on groceries? He doesn't want you working? He spends money without consulting you?
Have you stood up for yourself at all? and I don't mean a "Oh honey, I don't think this is fair, lalalala" I mean an actual coming to Jesus talk. You have every right to see your family's financials- and I don't buy for one minute that the reason he does it is because he's better at it. He does it because he has the control of it then.
I would definitely suggest counseling. I can't imagine this getting any better on its own.
I didn't read every response so I don't know what's been said, but you should not put up with that.
That ring on your fingers entitles you to half of EVERYTHING that the two of you have. Money, property, possessions. I don't care who made the money. If he makes $200 a day, $100 of it is yours.
I'm curious, what would happen if you went out and bought a spa package with the girls for $140? When you say, "well you bought that $140 ticket" what would he say? That it's his money? Because if that's the answer you either need counseling or need to leave. He sounds like a selfish douchebag.
all our bills are on auto pay but we have a set budget for other things. We have a misc monthly allowance each, we have a clothing budget for each month, we have an annual allowance for things like haircuts salon visits etc. we also have a food budget for daily expenses. If we are low on funds we don't spend our allowances and it gets rolled over. But the amounts are the same for each of us. and while it isn't a lot, it is fair.
I was worried about this same issue so we sat down and I told him Its hard because I don't know when we can afford things and when we can't so we have a savings goal.. if we are not in that goal range than we need to watch our expenditures. If we are comfortable than we don't have to consult before spending our allowance but if we are tight we talk to each other.
I would be livid if I were you.
Have you told him everything you are talking about here? Do you two talk openly about all of your issues and problems? If not, then that is where this is all stemming from. Venting and telling others is one fine but only after you've addressed the issue at hand with the person involved.
If he has heard it all and continues to be unsupportive of you and your happiness, I would seek counseling. You deserve much better than this- we all do.
Have you had a budgeting talk with DH?
My DH and I aren't in the same position, I actually pull in about 2/3 of the income for the house-- but we have a joint account and the money is "ours". I am the penny pincher in our house so we set a budget X amt per month for groceries, X amt for gas, X amt for a weekend "date", our mortgage and other bills. Then we found the "leftover" money in the budget...we decided that each month on the first we pay all of our bills, pull out in CASH what we budgeted for groceries (this was the biggest area we both went over -- he'd find oreos, doritos and frozen pizza's he couldnt resist and I'd decide I only wanted to eat fresh watermelon and organic noodles for a week) and our date money in CASH. We have a gascard that only works at a gasstation that we both use to pay for gas and then we each get a set amt of the "leftover" budget we take out in cash and can do with as we wish (this is a small amt as I am adament about having a good nestegg).
We used to fight about money atleast 1ce a month, I resented that I made more and felt like he spent more--blah blah blah. Now that we've set up the budget (about 6 months ago) we never have this fight...I'm not saying the budget talk was FUN, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and the not fighting has been wonderful!
LOL @ "you have a Job its called being a SAHM! thats a 24/7 job
"
Anyway. You said that he pays the bills because he is "better at it than you" - in my experience, paying bills doesn't take a significant amount of skill. It sounds like you aren't asserting yourself and didn't from the beginning, which you should work on changing.
I work. My husband is a SAHD. He doesn't bring in an income, but his days are full and his responsibilities are tough. I don't hold my income over his head - in fact, he pays all of our bills and handles our finances, savings, everything. We chat about it, but he handles it - basically because he has the time and I don't.
And go out and buy yourself what you need. Don't do it in a "well you spent this much so I get this much" crappy type of way - do it in a "we are a family and as these things are included in our budget, I have spent this money" type of way.
Thanks! lol. My husband thinks we should name our children after sports players.
One of our good friends is OBSESSED with the movie (8 seconds) right now and he seems to think that when his time comes to have kids that he will name his child Tuff. I told him first he has to find a gf who will put up with him long enough AND he may want to ask her opinion of the name on the first date and if she likes it, then he knows she's a keeper. lol.
This might be one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. Just because your ex-H was low on the COC and was a douche, doesn't mean it holds true for all men. I fail to see where being low ranking corresponds to being a douchebag.
Breastfeeding and pregnant!
Since you're not going to go to Seattle, you should tell him you guys are saving money on you not going and you would like some money to buy things for the baby and some maternity clothes. It shouldn't be that big of a deal considering if you went you'd be spending money on that, probably more than what you'll be spending on stuff for you and the baby. Haha or just start charging him for your services (lol) cooking, cleaning, personal shopper, laundry, daycare etc.... you do a lot and maybe since it's been done for so long he has forgotten how hard you actually WORK even though you're at home. You deserve to have things for yourself too, even if you don't have a job you go to outside of the home.... Good luck! Hope things get better for you