October 2011 Moms
XP: How offended should I be?
My parents live in Asia and are planning to visit after Baby Haribo is born. They are planning to buy a stroller as a gift, but since DH and I have chosen a pricier stroller (uppababy vista), I asked them how much they wanted to contribute since I did not expect them to pay for everything. My father emailed back saying that if I would rather they give their airfare instead of visiting, to let them know. WHAT??!! Where did that come from? I wrote them back saying that I did not need their money, that I was offended by their statement, and if they wanted to send their airfare and forego seeing their grandchild, that was their choice. I have not heard from them since. I was very hurt that they would even consider emailing something like that, even if they had been offended by my question about their monetary contribution for a stroller. I don't know if I am overly sensitive because this pertains to my soon to be daughter, or if I am right. What do you think? Am I overreacting?
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: XP: How offended should I be?
Honestly, it kinda sounds like everybody in the equation is being overly sensitive.
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11
BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14
My Recipe Blog
~All AL'ers welcome~
This. Without knowing how you actually worded your email to your parents, I can see how your parents would be offended that their offer of a gift wasn't good enough for you. But threatening to not come and see their grandchild wasn't appropriate of two grown people either. Your response was then adding fuel to the fire. Someone needed to grow up and calm the situation down.
"God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" 1 Corinthians 10:13Sigh...ok =( UGH, now I feel badly. That's a good point about this being a gift.
Agree and agree. I know it can be hard to monitor/filter your responses with close family, I've said things I regret to my mom plenty of times and felt like a jerk myself! But here I definitely have to agree- you kind of "looked a gift horse in the mouth", and they didn't respond like adults either.
What I would suggest doing is emailing them back and apologizing for offending them (yes, they offended you too, and yes, they owe you an apology too, but you can't force someone else to apologize to you - you can only control what you do). Tell them that the most important thing to you is that they are able to come and see their grandchild. If you want to smooth things over about the stoller, simply explain that you've decided on one that is quite pricey and that it is more important that they see their grandchild than purchase an expensive gift.
My parents are far away too (not as far as Asia, but still far) - and I've already said to my mom when she commented that she was sorry that she couldn't contribute much that I would rather she contribute money towards coming to visit rather than contribute towards "stuff". I can buy my own stuff. I can't buy that very special relationship between my son and his grandparents.
"God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" 1 Corinthians 10:13Thank you very much for your response and your suggestion on how to deal with this situation. You make a valuable point with regards the importance of their presence, and controlling my response. Much appreciated!
Even though you had good intentions it probably came off as ungrateful. Here's your next email:
"I'm sorry for the misunderstanding; the more I think about it, the more I realize that I probably didn't explain myself well. I only asked about how much you wanted to spend because the stroller we fell in love with is pricy and we'd never expect you to foot the bill. I thought that if I asked how much you planned on spending, we could split the difference. I didn't want you to get here, see the stroller's pricetag, and feel obligated to spend more than you planned. I was trying to be thoughtful but I realize it sounded ungrateful, so I'm sorry. I'm also still a little hurt that you reacted by threatening not to come see us. Hopefully you'll reconsider, because obviously that's more important than a stroller."
THIS is beautiful. THANK YOU!!! You rock.
I think PPs said a lot of good advice. Seems like your intentions were certainly not to hurt their feelings or make them feel as though their gift is inadequate, but obviously their feelings were hurt and they got pretty sharp. Sometimes its easy to forget our parents are people too. I like the suggestions of the emails above and think they should help smooth things over.
FWIW, my dad has not offered to visit, or to see if we need anything for the baby. From what I can gather he won't meet her until she is at least 6 months old or older depending on when we travel 12 hours home. It isn't as if he doesn't have the money or can't afford to visit or buy her a gift, he is just selfish. So try to keep it in perspective that your parents love and support you, even if they can be difficult.
I think you've gotten some good advice here, though I don't really think you were being overly sensitive in the first instance; you probably just didn't explain your reason for asking about how much they wanted to contribute in a way that they understood, so they concluded erroneously that you just wanted money.
One correction to the PP's suggested email back: I wouldn't characterize their offer as "threatening" not to come. They sound like they're trying to figure out what you really need; it's possible that using the word "threatening," even where the rest of the email is conciliatory, could inflame things further.
GL.
My BFP Chart
Becoming a better role model for my daughter, one day at a time
Haribo... I am actually in your camp. DH and I are going through the same issues with my ILs and our stroller. We too chose the Uppababy and are having issues with the price (because that's what they want to give us). I am excited about their offer, but I don't expect them to pay for the whole thing (if they don't want to), but it is the stroller that I want and I've done a ton of research/it happens to be the one that makes the most sense for us. We are still figuring out how to deal with it as well.
IN your case, it is possible that things have been misconstrued by the emails back and forth. I think PP's "sample" apology email makes a lot of sense. Not sure their response needed to be so harsh, but again, this could all be just bad email communication. GL with figuring it out! I am SURE they will come to visit baby Haribo when she(?) arrives!
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11
BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14
My Recipe Blog
~All AL'ers welcome~
I can see where you are coming from Haribo. Your parents are being kind of dramatic though.
However, I think you should apologize to your parents.You don't want to start this baby's life off with conflict. This is simply not a hill to die on over a material object like a stroller. Let them get you whatever they would like to get you as a gift. You never know, you may end up liking it more than the pricier one.
They were trying to be nice and get you a gift. They are not required to get you anything at all. Just like with any gift you receive you just say thank you. You can do whatever you feel is necessary with the gift afterward, whether you want to return it or exchange it-- donate it. There were some things from our wedding registry that we didn't get, but we got a lot of stuff that we did not ask for or even have use for. We thanked everyone, & sent the ty cards. Then, exchange or donate whatever you can't use.