February 2012 Moms

Honestly...I may step on a few toes. (long)

My husband and I were SHOCKED to discover that we were pregnant. We were not planning it, nor were we very excited about the news. We had only been married 8 months when we found out, and the only real vacation that we'd taken together was our honeymoon. We are both young, but definitely capable of being parents, and for most couples our age, we have more than enough to provide for a child. We both have jobs, we have a house, we both have cars, we have reasonable stability when it comes to finances. We always said we eventually wanted kids, but just not so soon.

I am TRYING so so so hard to get excited about this baby, but it seems like every time I am on the upswing in the mood department, I hit a brick wall. Something seems to always happen that brings me back down. I KNOW that what I am saying might upset and rub several people the wrong way. After all, most women who lurk on these boards were trying for this. However, it's becoming very difficult to get so close to at least being a little bit happy, and then get "shot down" by all the other not so wonderful stuff we are going through. This surprise has put a tremendous amount of strain on our relationship and our finances. We've recently discovered that my insurance policy does not want to cover maternity expenses, even though it said nothing of the sort when I requested policy information when I first found out. Our vacation fund will now go towards a new insurance policy and the unfortunate deductible we'll be stuck with...

I know second hand how difficult it is for some women to get pregnant. My brother and SIL adopted after a very long and painful struggle to carry a baby past the first few weeks - I am very aware of how they felt and how miserable it can be to NOT be able to get pregnant. I cannot say that I am miserable, but I definitely feel like getting a surprise baby can be just as emotionally taxing and life changing as not being able to have one at all. This has been the most difficult experience I've had to go through in my life, and despite my trying to be happy about the good things a baby brings, life keeps on reminding me how much of a sacrifice that my husband and I will have to make, especially when we weren't expecting it. I am sure that once LO gets here, we'll be overjoyed and we'll probably say it's the best thing that ever happened to us, but for now, I'm still having a hard time. I WANT to be excited and look forward to these changes; I don't want to look back on my first pregnancy and have regrets about the way I feel.

I am sorry if I offend anyone, but I appreciate any words of encouragement and support. That is why I am here on these boards; I hope that by reading the successes and accomplishments of those who are excited, it might help to spark the happy flame in me. :) Hugs


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Re: Honestly...I may step on a few toes. (long)

  • My boyfriend and I are terribly in love, but have not been together all that long (notice the word "boyfriend" not "husband"?). We wanted this, like you, but not YET. We wanted honeymoons and vacations and time together before we took this step. But it happened. And I was in a  particularly weird place because it was always a question on whether I'd be able to conceive at ALL,and now that I am should I be overjoyed? But we have careers and a house and are capable.

     At this point? We are thrilled. We had to take a few days to make that difficult decision that everyone believes they'd never even question, took the time to, yes, grieve for a life that we'd planned but wouldn't be happening. And once thats over.. its different. At least it was for us. We've started telling people, thinking of names, saw the first sonogram and are so excited for the second tomorrow to hear the hearteat and go facebook official after.

    We keep telling ourselves a few things when we get overwhelmed by it-- 

    1. it WILL be hard. And there will be days we are going to have to choose to keep on loving eachother. But even though its hard? it can still be for the best.

    2. "F*** what they say". People around us have most definitely had their opinions. but so what? People worse off than us do it every day, and we know just how much we love eachother. We're the ones going through thil and WE are choosing to be happy. Who cares what they think

    And it hels that whenever one of us gets down, the other one can be strong enough to remind them of exactly how amazing this can and will be,

     

    Best of luck to you guys, wishing you the best. Just give it time, you'll both come around <3

     

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  • I feel the same a lot of the time. It's like, if I ignore it, maybe it won't happen. I'm going through the motions, the doctor's visits, taking care of myself and all, but it just feels like I've had an extended flu. And I'm getting a little chubbier. DH is super excited though, which is where we differ a little I think. I never wanted kids but he did, and I thought I'd give it a try for him. We got pregnant on the first try, which I thought would take much longer to accomplish. But the more I read on here and the more I research what's happening, the more ok with it I feel. I'm scared witless, to be honest. But it gets a little more ok every day. I just can't grasp that in Feb I'll have a screaming, completely dependent newborn in our nice, quiet house :S It's like I'm pregnant, I can accept this, but I can't see or accept the endgame. If that makes sense.
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  • No toes stepped on here!  Granted I hardly ever post, but whatever.  :-)  This pregnancy was certainly wanted and not "unplanned" in that we both knew what we were doing, but we never sat down and said, ok now is a good time to go for our second.  We have a small, 2 bedroom house and there's going to be a bit of juggling rooms to make everyone fit.  We were saving up to sell our house and get a bigger one, but now how do you save when you're adding another expense!  Plus I'm self-employed so no paid maternity leave for me!  So trust me, even though I definitely wanted this baby and we're both thrilled, there are many moments when I think it might have been wiser to wait. 

     I also think it's tough to feel bonded to the baby in the first tri sometimes.  It's a lot different later on once you start looking pregnant and especially when you start feeling kicks.  Even if you have an easy first tri, it's just a whole different story later on and way more fun.  Hang in there, I truly believe everything works out the way it should.  If you can, try to do little things together as a couple now, while it's easier and it's just you and your husband.  I'd also keep expressing your feelings to people who won't judge and make it worse.  This is a great place to do that (usually).  Hang in there!  I hope it gets better for you!!!

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  • Any pregnancy, desired or not, is very stressful for many different reasons. I had been trying to get pregnant for awhile, and I was still surprised by how uneasy I felt with it in the beginning. A situation like this makes me think of the old adage, "Babies don't wait to be invited!" and I think you should think about it this way. I don't know whether you believe in God or not, but I do believe babies are a blessing no matter what. My mother got pregnant with me when she was 22 and dating a heroin addict (she didn't realize it at the time). She was broke and scared, but she said no matter what apprehension she felt when she was pregnant, her life and outlook changed completely when she saw me. Really, though, I don't know what to tell you. If your attitude doesn't change, maybe you and your husband should consider adoption. There are too many couples who are desperate for a baby. I'm not judging you at all, I know you can't help how you feel and obviously feel very bad about it. Give yourself time and be open-minded.
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  • I had a hard time taking to this (my 2nd) pregnancy. I didnt want things to change and to have to split my attention between two kids. Even though I knew DH and I were going to start having another one I did not expect it so soon. I mean it literally happened on our wedding night so I was thrown off guard.

    But now I am feeling more and more excited. I know it will be challenging because I am a full time student who commutes an hour and a half one way but I at least feel likeI can do it because I have been with my first kiddo.

    I think that with time you wil  get the excitement especially when you can feel the baby moving. 

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  • I think it is normal to be scared. This pregnancy was planned, we were "trying", but I still get scared sometimes too. When I see babies out and I'm like- I will have one of those in a few months- and everything will be so different- oh crap! DH and I never have been on vacation together (other than visiting family) and never have gone on a honeymoon. But there are other things to look forward to also- like family vacations with the kid(s). I think it will be easier to be excited/bonded once I can feel the baby too.
  • Thanks ladies! It already makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one who has a few bad days. Everyone keeps saying that excitement will come, but I guess being the most impatient person I know, I just want to be happy NOW :) I wish I could just choose the hormone levels in my brain and set them to "elated."  I know that people can choose to express positivity, and I will continue to try, I just want it to feel real inside.

    My mom is super thrilled, and while we didn't really care if she shared the news with a few people, it seems like she told MANY. I keep getting all these "congratulations" and "we're so excited for you" and "wow, what a miracle" - I just wish WE felt as excited as everyone else does for us. It makes me feel so guilty that when people approach us and are so thrilled for us, I have to force a smile.

    Things have gotten better from the time we first found out - it has become very fascinating to follow the development and the size changes. Although I'm not the biggest fan of this chubby bloat thing I've got going, it does make it all the more real. Each day gets better it seems, but it's just those days that set me back even further that really get me down. (spending the HOT day yesterday WAITING around at an amusement park while everyone else got to enjoy the roller coasters doesn't help) Tomorrow LO will supposedly reach that "lime" mark, and wow, a whole LIME. That's pretty big!


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  • One of my very good friends and her husband had been married for quite some time when they discovered she was pregnant.  They were devastated.  Both had jobs they loved and enjoyed traveling frequently.  She just couldn't fathom how much her life was going to change.  She couldn't imagine herself going from executive to Mommy.  Di was terrified her entire pregnancy that she wouldn't love her baby and that she would hate being a parent.

    Now, she's (very happily!) a stay at home mommy and volunteers in her son's classes at school.  She had some difficulty adjusting until she saw that precious boy's face and now she couldn't be happier with the unexpected gift God gave to them.

    Our first wasn't planned, either and I was taking birth control pills when she was conceived. I wasn't sure I was ready to be a mommy at 24, but that girl of ours is just the best surprise ever (notice I said, "surprise" and not "accident") and we love her to pieces.

    Having a baby at any point in a relationship is difficult and changes the whole dynamic but you just have to learn how to be together as parents as well as partners. I trust things will work out.  Good luck!

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  • My DH and I weren't expecting our child either, and I felt just like you did. Up until about 6 weeks, I would wake up every morning and remember that I was pregnant, and be so depressed. I am in my last year of college, and he just (literally) started his career as a police officer. We just moved into our first home at the end of May, and when we found out we were pregnant, we hadn't even had our first round of bills yet! All I could do was cry and wonder if we would be able to even begin to manage the finances of a child. Our insurance also changed, and we have a $1,000 dollar deductible to pay when the baby is born, and another $1,000 dollar deductible to pay for pediatrician visits.

    It is stressful, but it isn't impossible for someone in your situation. It's far from impossible for me and DH, and we are on one $44k income...we have quite a bit of money left over after ALL the bills, and after talking to my own mother and my MIL, it turns out babies really aren't these giant, awful financial burdens. They require food and clothing and doctor visits, and the rest is just time and love...we will have to work hard to meet their needs, but it is for the best cause. There will be some things you can't give your child right away, but you've just got to roll with the punches. For example, we really wanted to start a pre-paid college plan for our LO, but the minimum payment for the 4yr plan is $232 a month...that's just out of our reach right now. So, instead, we will go with the 2yr plan for now, and once I get my career in step, we'll add another 2yrs. Remember, there 'could have' always been more time, more money, more vacations...even if we had planned for our babies, it's likely we would still be thinking all of those things. At least, that's what I've been told :)

    I also would worry that me and DH would be divided with the child in between us...now I don't worry about that. While it has put a HUGE strain on our relationship (we fight frequently over the smallest things), we are committed and in the end I think we will come out stronger than before. In the very beginning, we thought our finances had taken a huge hit...when in reality, we were just panicking. Things will start to fall into place, I'm telling you...it just happens, and it's almost weird how they start to work in your favor. Just remember that God would never give you something you couldn't handle, and that you have been given this gift for a reason. It may not be what you want right now, but as you continue to realize that you are actually having the baby, the idea starts to settle in and you will become excited. A child is a 'forever' gift, but they are not a burden, and it took me a while to realize that. It is hard to grasp the idea of being a mother when you are so young, even when you are older and 'un-expecting' a pregnancy. I am almost 22 and I still feel like I am too young to be depended on, but knowing there is a little life inside of me has helped me mature and realize that me and my DH are going to be a little someone's everything. You'll realize it's not so much a title as it is the most wonderful thing in the world...you'll have a little life depending on you and loving you just as much as you did your own mother when you were so young...that is so special. Thinking of that also helped me realize that I could do this. I used to LOVE my mom more than anything when I was a little girl, and my DH was the same with his mother...now you have someone on the way who will cherish you just like that for so many years! Remembering how I used to be so comfortable around my mother, and how she seemed so safe and was always there for me has helped me become almost proud that I am pregnant.

    Your (and my) journey will be hard and full of ups and downs, but it will be worth it. Just stay positive, and if you need to, look for help groups either online or where you live. It isn't wrong to feel saddened or un-excited about an unexpected pregnancy...in fact, those emotions are expected when you're 'un-expecting' so to speak. You will have to sacrifice, but you will not be unhappy with the sacrifices you make. I used to think I would be, and that would depress me. My mother gave me an example, although it's REALLY silly. I have a 3lb chihuahua who I take EVERYWHERE and spoil the absolute crap out of, and I had been venting to my mom about how hard it would be to get used to being 'a three' with my DH (since we really, REALLY liked just being a couple and you know, felt 'not ready' to be parents). I had been worrying that we would be sacrificing our relationship and that we wouldn't have enough love to give the baby because he/she was so unexpected. She just told me "I'm telling you, the way you treat Ava (my dog) and take her everywhere is the same way you'll treat your baby...trust me when I say you will love and spoil the baby just like you love and spoil Ava." It's such a silly comparison and almost elementary the way she explained it, but it really helped me realize that a baby isn't an 'intrusion' or anything like that, it's another member of my family, and the last person who would ever want to divide my DH and I.

    If you ever need advice, or just need to vent, you can totally PM me! I mean it when I say that I know exactly how you feel, because I felt the same way.

  • I always tell people I didn't realize how dang SELFISH I was, till I had a child.  Believe me, I know there are sacrifices.  I KNOW it takes a huge financial and physical and emotional toll, but there are also amazing rewards.  I guess maybe you won't get to see those till the baby is here, but as I read what you wrote I see that you at least can FIND the money and CAN do this.  You may have to give up your vacation fund, but say that to yourself a few times and realize that you are equating a VACATION to a HUMAN.  YOUR human with the man you love!!  Yeah.  I get it, but it seems so silly and small(when you look at the big picture) in comparison to what you are getting instead.  You are so Blessed to have this child.  Lucky as all get out.  And this child will bring ya'll closer and tie you together more than another trip to the beach ever could.

    No matter how old you are or how prepared, it is Always a sacrifice and financial toll.  And it is Always a strain on your relationship- just like any other big changes will be....  Ya'll are doing this in a MUCH better place than many I have known.  You're not alone, making 10 bucks an hour like my BFF was when she had her son, so...  Try to look at the good things you have, the positive things- like that ya'll CAN do this,  And all it cost you was a vacation fund and maybe some creative budgeting-  Not a 2nd job or moving back in with parents.  And try not to resent the poor LO in there for it. Vacations come and go and sometimes, they SUCK, too.  So maybe you're missing out on a couple bad ones;0)

    The happy will come.  I think sometimes the hormones and misery of m/s makes us see all the negative, without counting our blessings(even if it only feels like a couple at 1st).  I would flip out if insurance did that, too.  But the hospital takes payments and ya'll will figure it out.  My Mom always says- God provides for babies,  SOMEhow SOMEway.  Each day, try and think of one thing you have that's good.  You have a home(many preg women don't), a man to go thru this with(many don't), a decent income to pay(even if a struggle sometimes), a Mom who sounds super supportive, etc...  I just read this one post and got all that you got going for ya;0) 

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  • Although I'm not in your situation, it seems like you already have the ability to be flexible.  If you weren't, this baby would not be with you right now because you wouldn't have wanted to forgo your schedule that much.  Know what I mean?  You're already willing to sacrifice and deal with change.  This baby can give you a positive opportunity to deal with change, and have fun at the same time.

    My parents were talking yesterday with DH and I and we talked about not wanting to be those parents that don't dare interrupt LO's schedule and never leave the house.  My mom says, "Oh, with both you and your sister we just carted you with us wherever we went.  You went to California with us when you were six months old" (we live in NJ).  Just because you're having a baby doesn't mean vacationing ends.  It just means you have to bring some more stuff (and a LO) with you.  Sure, you might not be able to go as extravagant as you wanted to before, but like I said, you're flexible!  You will find a way to have a kick-a$$ vacation on a baby budget and make it awesome.  :)

  • First off, don't feel like your "stepping on toes".  This is a public forum and we all need to be here to support each others feelings, whether we like them or not.  This is my second pregnancy and even though it was very planned (even taking the fertility route!), I feel like you do a lot of the time.  I feel like our DD is so easy to take care of now, and so independent, and has always slept through the night.  The thought of this "easy and wonderful life" being taken from me, frightens the crap out of me.  I think as time goes forward, the pregnancy progresses, and time will show a giant belly, you and your husband will start to naturally embrace this.  I'm hoping the same for me too!

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  • While I can't understand how a pregnancy can really be a surprise....

     My sister and her husband found themselves with an unplanned pregnancy about 3 years ago.  Throughout her entire pregnancy she was very bummed and down, and admitted at about 9 months that she wasn't even close to emotionally, financially or spiritually ready to be a mom.  But as soon as her son was born everything about her outlook changed. She is a VERY dedicated and amazing mother who loves her son and wouldn't chanage their family life for the world.  So, I understand your anxiety and apathy - but once your kid is here, you'll feel differently. 

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  • My DH and I got pregnant 2 months after we got married. I get it. We are excited, but I understand how you feel- we had been separated for an entire year because of military training, and we were just excited to be together. You will find joys in this, too. Someone told me it isn't that you can't do things, you just get to do different things. I don't know what they are yet, but there are great things to do. 
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  • So in response to somebody who mentioned trying to focus on the good, I've decided that these are the top three things I'm looking forward to about being mommy to LO:

    3. seeing my husbands face when he holds LO for the first time

    2. hearing that first sweet little baby giggle. Oh I know that's going to melt my heart.

    1. our first family vacation to Disney World or the beach. I can't wait to see LO's face when he or she puts their toes in the sand for the first time.

    Here's to keeping my head up!


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