I think im inventing reason to not try for #2 and PTSD issues — The Bump
High-Risk Pregnancy

I think im inventing reason to not try for #2 and PTSD issues

We have been having a rough couple of days with my LO.  Yesterday night it hit a peak when DS wouldn't go to bed and some where around 245 I reconverted his toddler bed back to a crib...anywhoo. I was venting to my mom and sister via 3 way calling about DH not proactivly helping out during the epic fail of the attempted transition to a toddler bed.  My mom just called me and said she thinks im inventing reasons to not have another child because im scared of going in to PTL again and having another preemie. My son was born 27wks 3days and spent 10 weeks in the NICU.  She said that she understands that I have a do have a real bone to pick but that its just a communiacation issue and it can be worked out. It took me by surpise because my mother and my DH really don't get along.  After some real soul searching I guess I agree with her ( and thats a first! LOL ). I kinda feel bad about the whole thing now because I was SO ready to tell DH that I was in no way going to try for another and my reason I was going to cite was the lack of help I got yesterday and the day before. Have any of you ladies done anything like this before? and if so how and the hell do you stop the irrational side of yourself from taking over the rational right side of your brain...I need to put in some fail safes so I don't single handedly end my marriage just out of fear. 

I know this is kinda weird but I also had very bad PTSD from nearly loseing my life in 06 and coupled with the trauma of my sons early arrival. I tend to shut down and withdrawl emotionally.  I usually shut down and walk away. Even though I have been getting better, now that we are actually planning #2 I think the PTSD is getting worse. I see a thearpist but it obvously isn't helping when i get emotionally overwhelmed/scared. Any advice would be helpful because I tend to think in my own head alot and I need some other (nice) voices to mull over but my own.

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Re: I think im inventing reason to not try for #2 and PTSD issues

  • I think at one point I had similar feelings, but for different reasons. I was severely abused as a child, and never had a positive mother role model. I was VERY afraid I wouldn't know how to be a mother. I had serious misgivings about my ability to parent and my desire to even try.

    It took a bit of therapy to get my confidence to the level where I was comfortable with the thought of having children.

    Maybe you should consider therapy to help resolve some of these issues?

    Wyatt 9/6/2011 
    Tessa 7/5/2013
    Baby #3- ????? (ttc soon)


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  • I grew up with a mother with PTSD. So although I have no personal experience of PTSD I do know what my experience of growing up with a mom with PTSD was like. Honestly, if you feel like you cannot cope with another child, there is nothing wrong with that. PTSD is incredibly difficult at the best of times, and perhaps its time to look at either a different style of therapy and perhaps meds? I know with my own mother that after she tried person-centered therapy (which is not that common in the US) it really, really helped her and changed her life for the better tbh. 

    That being said, if you feel you're looking for or inventing reasons not to have another child, perhaps you need to really listen to that part of you that has those concerns and explore them. You can absolutely raise fantastic kids as a person with PTSD but yes I do think it brings its own challenges for you and your family. Personally there were times in my life when I seriously needed my mother and she was unable to be there for me and would reject me quite strongly, I know this was because of her PTSD, I know the signs of when her disorder is 'taking over' so to speak. I would be lying if I said this didn't greatly impact me and our relationship. There are definitely times when I wished I was an only child because my mom couldn't cope with more than one kid tbh and in hindsight I do think it would've been easier on everyone as a family if they'd stuck to one kid. Having said that I know my mom would disagree and that she treasures all of her kids, but it certainly wasn't an easy upbringing, my dad 'checked out' for much of it too, so that didn't help. I don't want my own personal experience to color your opinion too much, but I guess I can only talk you from my own experience which is a bit biased. I know how utterly life-destroying PTSD can be and I wish you nothing but the best.        

     

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  • imageAmanda&EricB:

    I think at one point I had similar feelings, but for different reasons. I was severely abused as a child, and never had a positive mother role model. I was VERY afraid I wouldn't know how to be a mother. I had serious misgivings about my ability to parent and my desire to even try.

    It took a bit of therapy to get my confidence to the level where I was comfortable with the thought of having children.

    Maybe you should consider therapy to help resolve some of these issues?

    I definatly am going to bring this up in thearpy.  My first instinst is to avoid the topic but I kinda feel that maybe this a good time for me to grow personally and as a mother...Thank you very much for your feed back. It makes me feel really good to know Im not alone in the fear

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  • imageRipli:

    I grew up with a mother with PTSD. So although I have no personal experience of PTSD I do know what my experience of growing up with a mom with PTSD was like. Honestly, if you feel like you cannot cope with another child, there is nothing wrong with that. PTSD is incredibly difficult at the best of times, and perhaps its time to look at either a different style of therapy and perhaps meds? I know with my own mother that after she tried person-centered therapy (which is not that common in the US) it really, really helped her and changed her life for the better tbh. 

    That being said, if you feel you're looking for or inventing reasons not to have another child, perhaps you need to really listen to that part of you that has those concerns and explore them. You can absolutely raise fantastic kids as a person with PTSD but yes I do think it brings its own challenges for you and your family. Personally there were times in my life when I seriously needed my mother and she was unable to be there for me and would reject me quite strongly, I know this was because of her PTSD, I know the signs of when her disorder is 'taking over' so to speak. I would be lying if I said this didn't greatly impact me and our relationship. There are definitely times when I wished I was an only child because my mom couldn't cope with more than one kid tbh and in hindsight I do think it would've been easier on everyone as a family if they'd stuck to one kid. Having said that I know my mom would disagree and that she treasures all of her kids, but it certainly wasn't an easy upbringing, my dad 'checked out' for much of it too, so that didn't help. I don't want my own personal experience to color your opinion too much, but I guess I can only talk you from my own experience which is a bit biased. I know how utterly life-destroying PTSD can be and I wish you nothing but the best.        

     

    Thank you SO much! I have never spoken to a person who has had your perspective as a child of a PTSD sufferer.  I really can't thank you enough for your view on this. My PTSD tends to affect me a bit differntly but I see where you are coming from.  I tend to withdrawl from everyone BUT my son.  I tend to be way over protective of him for fear of some real/imagined threat to his mental or physical saftey. My husband and I go to counciling together because of that and some issues he has. One of my greatest fears was him "checking out".  I tend to put an extraordinary amount of responsibility on my own shoulders because Im so fearful that if I screw up that no one else will be there to pick of the peices and that just isn't fair to my son. With all that rambling being said (sorry) I definatly feel that exploring this in counciling is a good move and I am researching the type of theapy that you spoke of because "talk thearpy" wasn't working. Thank you again for your honest thoughts on this and I appreciate you sharing your story with complete stranger it is helping me already :)

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Birth 2lbs 10oz 15in long (4/28 ) 2months 2weeks 6lbs 4oz (discharge day ! ) 3 months 8lbs 6oz (due date 7/25 ) **1 years old 19lbs** **2 years old 25lbs 33 inches tall** Daisypath Vacation tickers image
  • imagenasmith882:
    imageRipli:

    I grew up with a mother with PTSD. So although I have no personal experience of PTSD I do know what my experience of growing up with a mom with PTSD was like. Honestly, if you feel like you cannot cope with another child, there is nothing wrong with that. PTSD is incredibly difficult at the best of times, and perhaps its time to look at either a different style of therapy and perhaps meds? I know with my own mother that after she tried person-centered therapy (which is not that common in the US) it really, really helped her and changed her life for the better tbh. 

    That being said, if you feel you're looking for or inventing reasons not to have another child, perhaps you need to really listen to that part of you that has those concerns and explore them. You can absolutely raise fantastic kids as a person with PTSD but yes I do think it brings its own challenges for you and your family. Personally there were times in my life when I seriously needed my mother and she was unable to be there for me and would reject me quite strongly, I know this was because of her PTSD, I know the signs of when her disorder is 'taking over' so to speak. I would be lying if I said this didn't greatly impact me and our relationship. There are definitely times when I wished I was an only child because my mom couldn't cope with more than one kid tbh and in hindsight I do think it would've been easier on everyone as a family if they'd stuck to one kid. Having said that I know my mom would disagree and that she treasures all of her kids, but it certainly wasn't an easy upbringing, my dad 'checked out' for much of it too, so that didn't help. I don't want my own personal experience to color your opinion too much, but I guess I can only talk you from my own experience which is a bit biased. I know how utterly life-destroying PTSD can be and I wish you nothing but the best.        

     

    Thank you SO much! I have never spoken to a person who has had your perspective as a child of a PTSD sufferer.  I really can't thank you enough for your view on this. My PTSD tends to affect me a bit differntly but I see where you are coming from.  I tend to withdrawl from everyone BUT my son.  I tend to be way over protective of him for fear of some real/imagined threat to his mental or physical saftey. My husband and I go to counciling together because of that and some issues he has. One of my greatest fears was him "checking out".  I tend to put an extraordinary amount of responsibility on my own shoulders because Im so fearful that if I screw up that no one else will be there to pick of the peices and that just isn't fair to my son. With all that rambling being said (sorry) I definatly feel that exploring this in counciling is a good move and I am researching the type of theapy that you spoke of because "talk thearpy" wasn't working. Thank you again for your honest thoughts on this and I appreciate you sharing your story with complete stranger it is helping me already :)

     

    You're more than welcome. If you ever want to talk to me personally feel free to PM me I'll be more than happy to chat, answer questions etc :)  

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  • My mother has PTSD from a long abusive marriage.  She has anxiety, depression, insomnia, the lot of it.  Now, please don't be offended but I can't imagine someone with her condition having another child.  Pregnancy and childbirth drastically alter our hormones and if you're already in am emotionally unbalanced state, dealing with marital issues and raising a 2 year old maybe it's not the time to try for #2?  Or at least think about it.  Don't let others belittle your feelings.  If you're feeling overwhelmed and anxious don't let them try to make you feel guilty or ignore those feelings.  They're family and friends; they should be supporting you not analyzing you. 

    Personally I don't know what PTSD feels like.  I only know I'm slightly like you sound.  It took a long time and coaxing to agree to have this baby because I felt like I had to be able to do it alone if necessary.  I'm very anxious and nervous about pregnancy, birth and parenting now.  I feel like I'm being pushed along and just want to hide in my bedroom sometimes.  I have that "I am an island" attitude often and I don't depend on or trust people much if at all.  That's just me.  So I know what it's like when people tell me oh it's just hormones, you're just scared since you're high risk, wait til you see that baby, you'll want 10 more.  The truth is I want to want more children but I just don't.  And I'm not going to feel guilty about it!  Your feelings are more important than anyone else's because YOU will be raising those kids, however many you decide on, not your mother or sister, etc. 

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