TTC after 35

Minor meltdown this weekend (long)

We went to a wedding this weekend in Minnesota (Lived there for awhile, but moved to NYC. Can't change my profile!) The day after, we hung out with some old friends. They have a 1 yo daughter who is as sweet as she can be. My friend, I'll call her S, had a m/c before she got preg, and is totally understanding about my IF. So it's usually really easy to see S and the baby.

But not this time.

While we were hanging out, playing with the kid and talking,  I suddenly realized, S and I hadn't spoken in months. And I had stopped returning her calls. I didn't call her on the baby's bday or even send a card. I had this very clear realization that I've been avoiding contact with her. Even though she's super supportive, and we're close friends.

And the reason was toddling around in the back yard, drooling and being cute.

As we were leaving, S and I both hugged and started crying. I tried to say good-bye to the baby, but started uncontrollably shaking, and had to bolt out to the car, put on my big, honking sunglasses and try to suck it up, so DH wouldn't think I was insane.

I wanted to flat out bawl and kick and scream. If I hadn't had my m/c I'd have a 7 month old who could scoot around the yard with S's kid. They could have been friends. My life would be sippy cups and board books and sleepless nights.

Seeing them made me feel like the worst friend ever. I'm so happy for them, but it makes me hurt to talk to S.

What do I do? I'm sure she's hurt that I don't call. She said she misses me a lot. But I don't want to be a sad sack who only calls and vents about my IF problems.

We talked about meeting somewhere for a girl's weekend. Maybe it would help to see her without the baby. I don't know.

Do you guys avoid friends w/ babies? Should I email or call her and try to explain?

Me = 38, Husband = 31. TTC since 1/10. M/C at 8 wks 5/10. Started trying again 9/10. All tests normal: AMH/MIS, FSH, HSG, SA. Estradoil high. 6/20/11 - Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI#1=BFN. 7/17/11 - Clomid+IUI#2=BFN. 2 natural cycles = BFN. 10/6/11 - Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI#3=BFN. 10/31/11 - Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI#4 = BFN. 11/26/11 - Follistim+Ovidrel+IUI#5 = BFN. IVF#1 - Menopur+Follistim. 2 ET 5/11/12 = BFN.

Re: Minor meltdown this weekend (long)

  • Awww - I am sorry that happened. I think it depends on how close you are to the friend, whether or not you call her to explain. But I am sure if you do decide to explain, that she will be understanding.

    2 of my closest friends have kids, but I also have many friends who do not have kids, although this is dwindling by the day.  I have avoided some big group baby showers and things that were on the periphery, but I always want to see and hang out with my close friends and their kids. Actually both of them really like to spend time away from the kids as well.

    Hopefully you will be k/u soon, and this won't be an issue anymore, but until then we all have to deal with these types of things every now and again and it really does suck. 

    ttc since 2/2010 ~
    me (36): Hypothyroid (on Levothroid), low vit. d, borderline/high fsh (day 3: between 7-10) (day 10: 13 during CCCT), AFC: 14
    dh (31): awesome (minus one sample with agglutination)
    Diagnosis:possible DOR and/or unexplained + elevated NK cells + MTHFR (C677T - one copy)

    MAY 2011 - FEB 2012 - 3 injectable IUI's with numerous cancellations due to high TSH levels
    MAY 2012 - onto IVF/ICSI (Antagonist Protocol) on BCP and Folgard (3 week delay - cyst - boooo) 5/21 start stims 5/30 ER 11R 8M 3F 6/2 3DT of 3 6/12 Beta #1 83 | 6/14 Beta #2 196 | 6/21 Beta #3 3818 | 6/28 Beta #4 22,213 | 7/2 1st U/S - 2 on board! 8/24 CVS reveals that we have a boy AND a girl on board!

    Healthy baby boy and girl born in February, 2013 at 38 weeks and 2 days!

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • I am so sorry that you had a bad weekend!  I have found that I don't even need to be around a live baby, but will start to tear up just watching TV.  I have been on medical leave for a month now & have a bad habit of watching TLC all afternoon, with all of their baby shows.  Not good when you're already depressed because you can't try this cycle! 

    If you & S are as close as you say you are (or were), she will understand.  I would call her though, not email her, & let her know what you've been going through.  Even though she knows what you've told her, she may not realize that it is as hard on you as it is.  Just make sure you tell her how happy you are for her & that you would never want to take away from the joy she has with her child. 

    I hope that you can talk to her & that it helps you feel better about it.

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  • I'm so sorry that IF has come between you and your friend but I'm right there with you... I have the same issues. The only thing I do differently is I talk to my friends. I tell them I love them and their babies but that it's difficult for me to be around them very often. I do suck it up every so often though and spend a few hours. I try to enjoy the time with the babies and then later I have a sob fest.

    I also avoid baby showers. I send gifts but it's just too much and I wouldn't want to ruin their day by my blubbering.  

    Again, I'm sorry. Sending hugs


  • Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm going to talk to my friend. I don't want to let IF ruin our friendship. I'm also thinking about going to a support group for IF. The Bump is really my only outlet for talking about this on a regular basis. And I don't want to isolate myself anymore, so maybe meeting with a group of women going through the same thing would help.
    Me = 38, Husband = 31. TTC since 1/10. M/C at 8 wks 5/10. Started trying again 9/10. All tests normal: AMH/MIS, FSH, HSG, SA. Estradoil high. 6/20/11 - Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI#1=BFN. 7/17/11 - Clomid+IUI#2=BFN. 2 natural cycles = BFN. 10/6/11 - Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI#3=BFN. 10/31/11 - Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI#4 = BFN. 11/26/11 - Follistim+Ovidrel+IUI#5 = BFN. IVF#1 - Menopur+Follistim. 2 ET 5/11/12 = BFN.
  •  I have a friend who struggled with IF.  She all but ignored me when I got PG, and never really acknowledged my daughter.  It was so hurtful, but i understood.

    Well, now she is PG with DE and suddenly all she wants to do is talk about babies.  I'll be honest, it hurts.  She didnt come to my shower, but now i'm invited to hers?  I wasnt "allowed" to talk about certain things during my PG, couldnt share any of it.  And now she gets to talk all about hers.

    Believe me, I can only imagine what IF feels like.  It must be an awful, horrible feeling.  But, please don't lose friends over it.  I did. 

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  • First off, I think what you're going through is totally normal and understandable.

    I have a close friend with a two-month old. I had a very hard time when we were going through testing and she was pregnant. It finally dawned on me that this is a friend whose support I would really want through treatments and possible IVF failures, so I needed to stop avoiding her and explain to her everything what was going on in my head and heart, and hope that we could figure out a way to carry on. It worked for me. She got it, and was and continues to be very respectful of my feelings. There's still awkwardness between us from time to time, but it's much better than it was. I haven't spent much time around her son, and she understands, but we talk on the phone again more like we used to.

    So, I think if you feel close enough to your friend to miss her and her support, then you should try to explain everything that's going on with you and hope that the two of you can find a way to get back to your friendship. Good luck. 

    TTC #1 since June 2010
    Me: 36, DH: 42
    Dx: DOR and MFI

    DH: low count + very low motility; hormones all normal; Sperm DNA Frag. test = poor to fair; male karyotyping normal
    Me: FSH 13.4 + AMH 0.26 + hypothyroidism; Scratch the hypothyrodism (?); Blood clotting and immune panel all negative; endometrial biopsy normal

    IVF #1 (MDLF - Jul/Aug 2011): BFN (9R, 5M, 3F with ICSI, 3dt of 1 10-cell grade 2, no frosties)
    IVF #2 (EP-antagonist - Sep/Oct 2011): BFN (6R, 4M, 3F w/ ICSI, 3dt of 1 6-cell, 1 7-cell, grade 4s, no frosties)
    DE IVF #1 (shared cycle - June 2012): c/p (6R, 6F w/ICSI, 3dt 1 8-cell grade A- and 1 7-cell grade A-; no frosties)
    DE IVF #2 (shared cycle with new donor - Nov/Dec/ 2012): - BFP!!!!! 12/14/12. U/S on 12/27 shows twins!!!!!

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