Pregnant after 35

BIL visiting advice needed

My BIL is coming for 2 weeks arriving 1 week before my due date.  He is coming from germany and speaks limited english.  his favorite words in english are all swear words.  he is a heavy metal big hair band music fan.  he is a really nice guy.  he is my dh twin.  he has not bought tickets yet but will not change the dates he is coming even though he knows i am due at that time and my dh has told him he can't go liston to bands with him if i have not had the baby.  i am dreading him coming at this time.  if it was a few weeks earlier i wouldn't mind.  my dh wants him to sleep in the babies room i want him to sleep in the basement which we have carpet and a room somewhat set up in.  our guest bedroom will be our ds room in the next few weeks.  my bil sleeps until noon or 1 pm when he is on vacation.  so i won't be able to get stuff out of the babies room if I have the baby while he is here.  he will be staying out late while he is here.  his days are usually spend looking for records and going to liston to small bands in bad area.  he loves heavy metal music.  i wouldn't mind i am just worried about having him stay in the babies room if i have the baby early.  my ds came 3 weeks early.  my dh is not taking time off while he is here.  so if i go off of work 2 weeks before my due date i feel like i need to entertain him.  he is very nice but doesn't understand me well and i do not understand him well.  i think my biggest complaint is where my dh wants him to sleep.  he gets upset when i bring up anything about his family.  how would you approach having him stay in the basement in the partically finished room down there vs the babies room?  sorry this is long and i am venting.  it is starting to stress me out. 
image Sandy RIP 1-11-09 image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Re: BIL visiting advice needed

  • When dealing with SO family staying with us in the future I would be very touchy as well. 

    Much of SOs family does not speak good English.  More like ghetto Spanglish. 

    I find it easiest to tell SO that what I need to know is how he would like to handle my concerns. 

    Tell him your concerns without whining - easier said than done - but if you say it as a - how would you like US to handle these issues? - he will take it differently and see this as a team effort to make it a workable visit. 

    If he is still touchy - you can explain to him that you want to WORK ON A SOLUTION WITH HIM - since you would rather not be stressed out when and if the baby arrives early and would rather not take any of it out on him should your stress increase once his twin is there.

    Calmly suggesting where the brother will sleep in a non-demanding way but more of a - can I suggest that IF baby is born x day and your brother arrives xy day - I will find it very hard to take care of baby if he is sleeping in baby's room - therefore maybe it would be easier for me to care for baby if brother is in the basement - maybe he will like it more anyway since he likes to sleep in till 12 -1 it will be darker and he could get better rest.

    Seeming to appear more concerned about the care for the baby and his brother's rest will trick a person's mind into thinking differently.  If we come out sounding as if we have an issue and it is OUR preference about something - it is common for the other person to not listen and retaliate in a defying stance of their own for no abundantly good reason.

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers BabyName Ticker
  • thanks.  I really appreciate your advice.  I will diffently try it.  I need to figure out exactly how i want to word things to not offend him.  We have had many heated discussions about his mom & taking care of DS when he was 8 weeks old.  His brother is usually not an issue but I know they have a very strong connection and do not want him to feel like I don't want him to visit. 
    image Sandy RIP 1-11-09 image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  •     
  • YIKES... not a good time...If he hasn't bought tickets yet.. I would tell your hubby that it really isn't going to be good to have a visitor that time.. you'll be uncomfortable and not able to entertain.. plus you have a toddler... EEK. 

    Is there anyway you can convince him to come another time, when things calm down.. and he can see his new niece/nephew??? 

    If he is forced upon you..

    I'd force him to sleep in basement... one approach...you need access to baby stuff.. plus you don't want to "disturb" him with your todler during the day.. won't he be more comfortable down there??.. where he can sleep late?

    You really should sayto hubby.. your compromise is.. IF you allow him to come... he MUST sleep in basement.

    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • We have tried to convince his brother to come another time.  His brother will not change his plans even though he has not bought his plane tickets.  He decided to come last dec/jan and since then won't change the time.  we found out i was pg in late jan and suggested to him to change when he was coming but he wouldn't liston.  even MIL tried to tell him to come at the begining of sept but he will not change his plans.  this already has created one arguement months ago and i have not said anything since.  see my bil works for mercedes in germany on an assembly line.  they ask for time off early and he told us in jan/feb he could not change it because he would have to ask a married guy with family to change his vacation plans.  he said since he is single he can go at anytime and this was the best time for him.  so i have known about this visit for a long time.  the thing my dh just told me was that he wants to sleep in the babies room and not the basement.  the orginal plan for many months was for him to sleep in the basement.  my dh just told me about the babies room this week. his brother and him had a long talk over the weekend and i think that is when the origanl plan was changed.  I wish i knew german so i could understand the conversation better.   i have tried to learn it but haven't been successful...
    image Sandy RIP 1-11-09 image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  •     
  • I'm not the best about giving advice about IL's but....

    I would disagree with you about not being able to access the baby's things if BIL is in that room - just go in and get them....go about your business.  I know I wouldn't want to sleep in a room with an infant if I were on vacation. If there is another viable option and he gets annoyed enough, he will move. 

    I try to remember when dealing with DH's family how I would feel if the tables were turned. How would I feel about the situation if it were my family?  I would want them to be as comfortable as possible. 

    I bet if you say to your BIL, "you can stay here....with the newborn that wakes up every 1.5 hours or in the quiet, mostly finished basement...." he will choose wisely.

    Good luck!

    ~Married 11/08~
    ~TTC since 01/09~
    ~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
    ~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
    ~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
    ~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
    ~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
    ~BFN - 02/11~
    ~IUI #1 03/15/11~
    BFP 3/28/2011
    Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
    Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
    Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.

    TTC#2 for a few months naturally (ha!)
    ~IUI#1, Clomid, Trigger,  10/13 - BFN
    ~IUI#2, Femera, Ovidrel, 11/13




    image




  • image CheezeFace:

    I bet if you say to your BIL, "you can stay here....with the newborn that wakes up every 1.5 hours or in the quiet, mostly finished basement...." he will choose wisely.

    Good luck!

    This!   And you might also add 'and here's the diapers when he needs changing.  I mean if you're here...you'll need to know where they are.' Stick out tongue hehe.  I couldn't resist.

    image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  •     
  • If it were *me,* I would say it's okay to sleep in the baby's room unless/until the baby arrives, then it would be time to go to the basement.  I'd also add that you might want to work on the room a bit, so he'd need to be okay with that while he is in there.  Heck, you might even be able to ask for his help...

     

    You are likely to be eaten by a grue. Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image
  • image Peppernut:

    If it were *me,* I would say it's okay to sleep in the baby's room unless/until the baby arrives, then it would be time to go to the basement.  I'd also add that you might want to work on the room a bit, so he'd need to be okay with that while he is in there.  Heck, you might even be able to ask for his help...

     

    This.

    He is the one who is being very inflexible guest at a very *bad* time to have any guests, much less difficult ones. I think it is fine to sleep in the baby's room as long as the baby isn't here, but once the baby is here he can take what you have available to him, which is the basement bedroom. HOWEVER, it is HIS problem if you need to get into that room. And if the urge strikes you to nest and you need to hang a picture, vacuum or rearrange the baby's dresser drawers **again :)** so be it. You need to be able to go about your pregnancy and do what you need to do, as apparently he needs to go about his vacation as if he were the only one who matters.

    I would not give in to the feeling that you need to entertain him. Clearly, he has his entertainment needs under control. I would feel odd having someone there and it's a shame you aren't going to get to enjoy some "you" time before the baby comes and you are focused in him/her. Maybe you can schedule some things for you to do out of the house after he wakes up and leave him to fend for himself until your DH gets home and they can man-bond.

    GL - that sounds very stressful, but maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised and at least he wont come very often since he lives so far away.




    image
    image ..............................................................................................................................................

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers




    ..........



    Nathan, Alex, Maddie and Oliver

    Angel Baby:EDD 3/3/12, M/C @11W2D

    Today I am pregnant and I love my baby BFP:12/10/11 EDD:8/20/12 Rainbow Baby born healthy 3 weeks early on 7/31

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker







This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards