New here but in serious need of advice
Good morning, Ladies. I hope it is a great day for all of you. I am a regular over on the TTC after 35 board and one of the ladies there suggested I post my problem on this board. I hope you can help.
Quick bit on us - we met in 2004, DH was divorced that year, his daughter was 7, we moved in together, married in 2010. His DH is now 14. His ex re-married 2 months after divorce was final and had another baby 4 months after the divorce.
Anyway, we are remodeling my step-daughter's bedroom, so all of her things are in boxes (open top) in the garage. She borrowed a notebook from me the other day to use the paper and I saw the book on top in the box. I wanted to make sure there weren't any financials written in there that she doesn't need to see. When I picked it up another paper came with it and fell. I picked it up thinking it might be something of mine. It wasn't. I know I probably shouldn't have read it but I did. I read the end because that was what was showing but after seeing that I read the whole thing. Just quickly, she is 14 and 3 months. Back in November (when she was 13) her mother allowed her to start "seeing" this boy from her school. After about two months or less she was crying all about him and so on and so on. Typical teenager stuff. He had done so many mean things and embarrassed her at school. That is another long story. Afterward, she was forbidden by her mom and my DH from seeing him. She swears she hasn't but we always see him in pictures on her facebook page and she says he just "jumped in" the shot. In the letter she makes reference of the fact that they have been dating on and off for 8 months. That is news to me since she has sworn she hasn't seen him.
So, back to the letter - the line at the end (which is the first part that I saw) said "considering I might be pregnant we may have to stay together." I feel so nauseas. I don't know what to do. She's obviously not since her period came on Tuesday. I know this because I do the laundry.
I could really use some advice on how to handle this. It will all come down to an argument about privacy and how I shouldn't have read it. But at the same time, I am concerned about her. I believe this seriously needs to be addressed and don't know what to do. Do I tell DH? Do I pretend I didn't see it? I feel so sick over this. She's 14. This child is too young for this. She watches that show "16 and Pregnant" which we don't allow her to watch here but apparently she can at her mom's. These shows are making things worse and kids think it's cool.
Please ladies, I feel like I'm going to pass out. I really, really need your advice. All of this happening while I am hoping AF doesn't show her head this week. What do I do? Please help.
Re: New here but in serious need of advice
So I know that many will not agree with me, but I do not believe that a 14 year old truly should get "privacy". Growing up I knew that anything that entered my home was fair game - if my parents/grandparents saw it they would and could read it/look at it. This actually kept me out of trouble because I really didn't want to be involved in anything that could get back to my parents. There were things they found (notes, pix etc which provided proof i was doing something i wasn't supposed tobe doing) and the matter was handled. I hated it then, but now I know it was because they were concerned parents. I plan on doing the same with our three girls.
I would let your DH know so that he and BM can handle the issue.
I agree with this! They earn privacy and if trust has been broken then no privacy. We check up on SD's Facebook, texts etc other she doesn't get to have these things. I would give the letter to H and they can handle it..but at the same time you should be informed because you are in the kids life and so you should probably be there too.
Hi, I'm new to this board too & I'm also over 35 & TTC (although I'm currently on just the TTC board).
Now to your situation, I'm not sure how your & DH's relationship with BM. If it's not great now is the time to put any differences aside & come together & figure out how to handle this. Is it possible for you & DH to sit down & chat with BM & her DH and talk about this & then decide as a family how to approach it? Explain that you weren't snooping & this literally fell in your lap.
I think the best course of action is to have a talk with SD (whether it's you or BM but if it's you I think BM should be made aware beforehand) about how to be sexually responsible. You can do it without letting on that you know that she's sexually active & tell her that the best choice is to abstain but if she doesn't she needs to be aware of the consiquences of unprotected sex. Try not to come of as lecturing her & that it's more of a "now that you're a teenager it time that we had this talk" kind of thing. Be sure that she knows that she can come to you with anything no matter how good, bad or embarassing & you will tackle it together.
Lots of luck to you.
I definitely agree that as a 14 year old, privacy is not an issue because she is still a young woman and what's her business is her parents business at this point. I think most parents would have done the same thing and there is nothing wrong with that.
I think you should discuss the letter with DH, and then offer to either sit down with him and BM all together, or at least the two of them sit down and discuss how to address it from here. She definitely needs at least BM to discuss with her the importance of sexual responsibility, and maybe she can take her to Planned Parenthood to get her condoms or birth control? I don't really know how that works but I'm sure there are nurses or something there that could talk with her too about the importance of safe sex, not just to prevent teen pregnancy, but to protect herself from STDs. I don't blame you for freaking out, she's definitely too young to be having sex in my opinion and even though we are still struggling with IF issues and are nowhere near having a teenager, I'm quite sure I'd freak out if I found out my 14 yo was having sex lol. Chastity belt time!
I would also just let her know that she can come to any of you if she needs to talk about it and try to keep that line of communication open.
Good luck!
You weren't snooping, and it was in your house. She's a minor and her parents need to know. Tell your DH and let him and ex handle it.
Don't overthink this. You're doing the right thing.
This exactly! You said it much beeter than I did. I agree that SD should not expect privacy in your home. I know that's somewhat contradictory to my original post but my point that I was trying to make there was that if she knows you "snooped" (not that you did anything wrong - I'd have done the same thing) then the conversation may be derailed & become about privacy instead of sexual responsibility. I think you can let her know at the end of the conversation why this talk was needed.
Thanks to all. Our relationship with BM is good. I just wish that when SD does something truly wrong that there would be punishment immediately following. Her mom wait to think about the punishment and then it never happens. I know DH needs to talk to his ex anyway, because he told me that SD mentioned to him this week that while she was at her granddad's house (granddad was out) she was so bored she thought about taking the keys to the car are driving up the street to the local Subway to get some lunch. Her dad told her flat out, NO WAY. You don't know how to drive (though she thinks she does). He wants to let his ex know about this so that her dad can hid the spare car keys.
We have SD 50% of the time. She likes me but really has no respect for me. She doesn't do anything I ask her to do (for that matter, she doesn't do anything any of us ask her to). It's always, wait a minute, I'm on the phone and it's important or I'm doing something. DH has told her over and over that she needs to come when called, that phone calls with friends are second to what we ask.
Growing up for me, I also had no expectation of privacy. I was also the one that didn't want to do anything to upset mom and dad. Not that I was perfect but at 14 I wanted nothing to do with sex. I had my first kiss at 14 but that's it. She has been talked to by her mom and by me about abstaining and that any boy that pressures you into it isn't worth the time. She's so concerned about having a boyfriend. She has over 1100 Facebook friends and we know that she doesn't know half of these kids. Her mom was supposed to go over each friend with her but that never happened. I can only do so much being a step-mom. I watch her page for inappropriate pictures and there have been many that I had to show DH so he could talk to her about removing them because she won't listen to me. Cleavage shots and her butt hanging out of her shorts. She sees nothing wrong with them and thinks we are wrong. It was always an excuse as to why they weren't removed and finally her mom went in and did it. Some of the television shows she watches don't help. While we forbid her to watch them in our house I know her mom lets her watch "16 and Pregnant", "Jersey Shore" and other reality shows with a lot of sex. I wasn't even allowed to watch an R rated movie until I was 16. Time have changed I guess. When it comes to punishment it never seems to happen. BM says she's been through so much and she's "acting out." BM is a breast cancer survivor, her BM's mom was also but succummed to brain cancer in March; she's been bullied at school (at times by the boy she wrote the letter to). Being a teenager is hard but what good is it doing no invoking some sort of punishment? To me it's rewarding it. Am I wrong?
Sorry to ramble. I just feel sick. My head is spinning and I feel like locking her in her room until she graduates. Being a step-mother isn't easy.
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I don't really have much to add, but I totally agree with PP that a 14-year-old should not have an expectation of privacy. And if she does--well, tough. It's a parent's decision to give a child privacy, not a child's right to expect it. I got away with things as a teenager, but it never occurred to me that my parents didn't have the "right" to try and figure out what I was up to.
It sounds like your SD is dealing with a lot of self esteem issues, so maybe some counseling would help.
Hope your DH doesn't freak out like I know mine would. When DD is a teen and he finds out she's sleeping with her boyfriend, I'm going to have to lock up his guns...
I know teens will find a way - I did. But I wasn't 14. She wrote the letter back in the middle of June according to the date she wrote. I guess she wrote it before her period came. Her mom does check her cell phone at time but I don't know when the last time is that she checked it. I monitor her facebook page more than her mom does but I don't have the access to be able to see instant messages or her cell. I will sit DH down this evening and tell him we need a family meeting. See if we can me with BM and her husband without my SD to figure out what it next.
Ditto on this, has she had her first pap smear yet?
I am worried about him freaking out. This kid is a real jerk and when he was (without going into all detail) being mean and bullying her, DH wanted to go to his house. I am hoping he takes a deep breath before freaking. I know it's early in the day but I feel like I need a drink. My heart is pounding.
I am worried about him freaking out. This kid is a real jerk and when he was (without going into all detail) being mean and bullying her, DH wanted to go to his house. I am hoping he takes a deep breath before freaking. I know it's early in the day but I feel like I need a drink. My heart is pounding.
I agree with PP. I would approach the conversation in the age appropriate and "activity" appropriate focus. You do not necessarily need to disclose the letter you read but rather from her pictures of Facebook or things shared by other people/parents/kids. She does need to see a doctor. There is also setting the expectations (not that our house is there yet, we are working on it!). Just remain focused on what is best for her and being the positive influence in her life.
In my previous relationship, my X-SO had two children as well, a girl who was 13 at the time and a boy who was 8 at the time. His daughter was always doing things that were not okay with us. So, we were extremely active in her life. At any time she would be asked to login to her myspace or Facebook, email, show her texts, and pictures. So it really helped her learn to manage herself accordingly. When she was 16 she was caught having a boy in the house when we were not home and she was suppose to be at a girlfriend's house. Not only did we freak the boy out but the world ended for her. The rules got worse, car was taken away, no work, no extra activities. She learned the hard way. My whole rambling point is that you are doing the right thing by stay very proactive and involved. It is difficult to be the SM but you have a stronger influence than you think!
How old is this kid?
I believe he is 14 also. They are in the same grade at the same school.
As a former teenaged mother myself, the time to step is now. The fact that she is sexually active is a concern, but the larger concern is that she is sexually active with someone who is not nice to her and she is lying about it. I think your DH and BM and you are going to have to talk to her together. And, like several PP's have mentioned, she needs a medical check up and birth control; no matter what she says, it's highly unlikely for a sexually active teen to decide to abstain. When hormones take over, they tend to think "Well, I love him, and I have done it before so...whats the big deal?"
Honestly I would not have a discussion with her about the letter. It will make her defensive, defiant and embarassed.
I would speak with DH/BM about it and be sure you're on the same page about putting her on birth control.
Afterwards BM or just you can sit down with her and tell her she's getting to the age where she needs to know about her options for protection with regard to sex, you would like to take her down to planned parenthood so she can have her first check up and she needs to be placed on contraception. You can tell her that you and BM are there to support, love and answer any questions. You do not condone her having sex but you want her to be safe. She will deny she's having sex but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that she gets on a reliable birth control like the shot. I wouldn't even put her on the pill because if she idealizes those stupid teen pregnant shows she may mess up her pills on purpose.
This sounds like a very lost girl who may be trying to get pregnant on purpose. I would definitely not confront and instead insure she gets protected. Forbidding her to do something (for example not seeing the boyfriend) clearly does not work, so make sure she gets the protection she needs.
I'm confused... You're worried about your DH freaking out when he finds that his 14 yr. old is having sex? I think I would be a bit more worried about DH freaking out that he may be a grandfather in a few months! Who cares if he freaks out - this needs to be dealt with ASAP.
I wasn't downplaying the concern on either of our parts. By freaking out I meant him rushing over to the kid's house. I am NOT and I repeat NOT downplaying any of this. There is so much going through my head. She is NOT pregnant. Her period came this week.