Need advice for older child — The Bump
LGBT Parenting

Need advice for older child

Where to start...

 I'm in my first same sex relationship at 38.  J is 30.  I have an 11 year old son who is having an EXTREMELY hard time with the fact that I am in a same sex relationship.  His bio-father has never had anything to do with him and he has always wanted a father.  J and I have been together for 11 months and it is NOT getting any better.  He has been in therapy and also has a psychiatrist for ADHD.  The psychiatrist has since put him on anti-depressants.

My son seems very conflicted.  He waits for J to get home (she works evenings) and then runs up to her and gives her hugs, wants her to tuck him in, read him stories, etc.  But if you flat out ask him he'll say he hates her and doesn't want us together.  He's even told her he wished she was dead.  She is an extremely kind person who has always wanted kids.  She's never had kids so her experience is limited, but we are working through those challenges. 

I was just wondering if there are any other people who have kids prior to a same sex relationship who might be able to give me some advice on how to handle this - or anybody else that has any ideas.  I was hoping by now - a year later - we'd be further along the road.  But he seeks out people who will agree with him (my mother, kids at school, etc) and then tells me I'm wrong and everybody feels sorry for him.  Although this is my first relationship, he's never been taught that being gay is wrong, so I'm not even sure how he's wrap his brain around that.  Actually his intolerance (not just about this issue) is quite shocking to me as his mother.  I have always been very tolerant in general.

 

Re: Need advice for older child

  • I should also add that I'm in Dallas, TX.  I think that makes it even harder as people in this area are also not very tolerant.  So him finding sympathizers is easy.
  • I'm definitely not in this situation but am curious - at what point in the relationship did J move in? Maybe she hasn't but your post makes it sound like you live together.  Could it be that your son didn't have much time to adjust to you dating someone (let alone a woman) prior to suddenly having that person in the house?

    Have you considered going to therapy as a family?

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  • I agree with the family therapy. It can really go a long way to resolving issues.

    Does he know other kids with same-sex parents? At this age, kids want to blend in with the peers and not stand out.There looks like there might be a number of GLBT family groups in your area. Perhaps check those out and see if you can find other families with kids his age.

    http://www.familyequality.org/site/PageServer?pagename=resources_groups&select1=TX

    I was going to suggest Colage. It doesn't look like they have a chapter in TX, but you could start one!

    http://www.colage.org/chapters/

     

    Good luck!

     

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  • I will definately be putting us in therapy.

    Thanks for the links, I have already been to check them out.

     

    J moved in about 6-7 months.  If I could do it all over again, I would definately wait.

    2brides - no, we don't know any other families like ours.

  • meet up has been a great resource for us in building a bigger network of gay families/friends for our children.

    check out this one: http://www.meetup.com/GLBT-Families-of-North-Texas/

     

  • imagelethalmermaid:

    2brides - no, we don't know any other families like ours.

    I am from Dallas as well (HI!) and can tell you there are literally thousands of families like yours. I am not a big church goer, but the Cathedral of Hope has tons and tons of kids of all ages and they have some really great programs. Perhaps you could go there on a Sunday and 1. Start meeting other families, and 2. your son could start playing with and meeting other children in the same situation.

    We'd be happy to meet you out sometime and chat.

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  • imageTanya+Da:
    imagelethalmermaid:

    2brides - no, we don't know any other families like ours.

    I am from Dallas as well (HI!) and can tell you there are literally thousands of families like yours. I am not a big church goer, but the Cathedral of Hope has tons and tons of kids of all ages and they have some really great programs. Perhaps you could go there on a Sunday and 1. Start meeting other families, and 2. your son could start playing with and meeting other children in the same situation.

    We'd be happy to meet you out sometime and chat.

     

    Hi!  Thanks for the offer, that would be great. 

  • imagectbride08:

    meet up has been a great resource for us in building a bigger network of gay families/friends for our children.

    check out this one: http://www.meetup.com/GLBT-Families-of-North-Texas/

     

     

    Thanks for the link.  I forgot about meetup!

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