he's gonna flip when he finds out...

mdotm0904

I ran into my BD's (soon to be) ex-wife (they're still in the middle of legal proceedings) @ the grocery store today. we live right down the street from each other and i never see her so to run into her was a bit of a coincidence. anyway, i wasn't going to speak to her because i didnt know if things were gonna be awkward, i mean, i WAS dating her husband (even though they were separated and she herself had a boyfriend, still they were/are legally married.) and things were just really tense because of the custody battle they were going through. But she broke the ice and asked me how i was doing. and i asked about the kids (her & my BD have 3 & I was really close to them but haven't seen them since March). She asked me if i was expecting, and said she had a dream about it a couple of months back, but hadn't seen me around. it was my first time seeing her probably since the beginning of the year and i obviously didn't have a bump then). I told her yes, a baby girl next month.

Anyway, long story short, I filled her in on most of the situation w/BD, that we don't really talk anymore & he's doing a lot of "barking" but i'm not sure how he's really gonna act once the baby is born and that I can now see certain things about the BD that i didn't see while we were dating & I'm now more able to understand her point of view. The kids don't know that they have a sister coming, BD has chosen not to tell them yet (or at all). She told me that regardless of how he may act, she thinks that we (her & I) should do our best to make sure the kids get to know each other. That he doesn't even have to be in the equation if he doesn't want to be. I agreed. And we exchanged contact information. I told her I'd be in touch and let her know when the baby was born and we'd take things from there.

I'm pretty sure my BD is gonna flip once he finds out that we've communicated. He's a control freak that feels like if you don't always tell him what's going on, you're trying to blind side him or whatever. He plays a lot of mind games. He sent me a passive agressive email last week upset that I didn't inform/invite him to my baby shower. So I can only imagine what he's gonna say/do if/when he finds out that I've been in contact with his ex.

At this point, I don't really care about his reaction because my loyalty lies with my daughter and making sure that I'm making decisions that are in her best interest. I have half siblings & our moms didn't get along. So it made things tense growing up. Once my dad passed away I pretty much lost contact with my siblings because our moms didn't communicate and we're just now trying to fix/create relationships. I didn't want that same thing for my daughter. So I dont think i did/am doing anything wrong by having open communication with her, regardless of what her and the BD went through. That's their battle, not mine (even though he tried to make me hate her just like he does)

So my question is do you think I should tell BD that i've talked to his ex (to save myself the eventual "you're an evil person email" that he's gonna send or just wait until he brings it up? Also, do you think I'm doing the right thing by trying to build a relationship with his ex? I don't want us to be girlfriends and go out to dinner or anything like that, I just want to be able to be cordial enough that I can bring my daughter around for a visit in case, BD decides he doesn't wanna be in the picture.

TIA!

luvmycoca

She asked me if i was expecting, and said she had a dream about it a couple of months back, but hadn't seen me around. it was my first time seeing her probably since the beginning of the year and i obviously didn't have a bump then). I told her yes, a baby girl next month.

Wow, really you are pregnant by this womans soon to be ex.  She did not know you were pregnant and she was this matter of fact and calm talking to you?

If it were me I would tell him.  Why not?  He should recognize that his kids will be siblings and if all adults in the room can be okay with that they better for the "family".

mdotm0904

luvmycoca:

She asked me if i was expecting, and said she had a dream about it a couple of months back, but hadn't seen me around. it was my first time seeing her probably since the beginning of the year and i obviously didn't have a bump then). I told her yes, a baby girl next month.

Wow, really you are pregnant by this womans soon to be ex.  She did not know you were pregnant and she was this matter of fact and calm talking to you?

yup she was calm. their relationship has been done for close to 2yrs now. she has a boyfriend that she's been living with for months. no need to be upset if you've moved on. Her & I are able to be adults about it, but based on his past history & his personality, i'm not sure if he'll be able to be the 3rd adult in the situation =/

okballet16

I was in kind of the same situation, DD's dad was married but seperated and not living together when we were dating. His wife had a boyfriend and all that. I think she knew I was pregnant but she lives in another town so I haven't seen her.

I think it's nice y'all can be adults about all this and have the kids get to know eachother.

My DD still hasn't met her half brother and sister, I don't really even know if they are aware they have a baby sister.

peeps61308

You have no obligation to tell him anything. Eventually he will find out and probably be upset. Just tell him " xxx and I decided that we wanted the children to know each other. The situation has nothing to do with you, so I found no reason to inform you of our decision." Your decision for the kids to know each other shouldn't impact how/if he is involved with them.