Parenting

Would you discipline for this and how?

ML had a play date today.  The other mom was running late and it started later than we had planned.  I picked her up before dinner because the family is in the middle of moving and I didn't want to burden the mom with another person to think about during dinner.

ML didn't want to leave and had a total tantrum as we were leaving.  Like, total meltdown, crying, screaming, on the front porch, into the car, all the way home.

 She's older than 5, had a big nap plus a post-nap snack, so we can't blame it on age, fatigue or hunger. 

ML rarely has tantrums and almost never with me (at least not since she was about 2'ish), so I don't even know how to address this.  I am humiliated by her behavior but I know I shouldn't make my personal feelings be a factor; it should be about her, not how I feel.  I just can't believe she threw such a fit over something so minor.

It's Friday, so it's pizza/milk shake and movie night.  H think we should make her go to bed after dinner and skip the movie and milk shake.  Is that too harsh?  Do you punish for tantrums?  

Re: Would you discipline for this and how?

  • To date, I have not punished for tantrums. As frustrating as they are, I feel like tantrums in and of themselves are about our kids being unable to communicate what they are upset about. And while you don't think she was tired or hungry, she might have bEen. She's 5 though and I don't have a 5 year old. So I'll be curious what others say.

    now, if DS does something like throw a toy during his tantrum, or hit me, I'll deal w that. But I won't punish for the tantrum itself
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  • Not too harsh but maybe a little too late. I would have stated the consequence when she threw the fit. If you take away movies and milkshake I don't think it would have the impact you want. I would remind her of her behavior and state for next time that she will loose priveleges (sp?) with that sort of behavior.
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  • I think your punishment is perfect. My almost 5 yr old knows that reacting that way is not appropriate and will result in consequences. Hopefully she will wake up tomorrow and everyone can start fresh. Eta: I agree for little kids it may not be the right punishment and it would be better to give the punishment right away, but at 5, they will totally remember how they acted and why they are being punished.
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  • That's tough. I'm inclined to say that it's too harsh and that I would have put her in time out when you got home, but then again, I didn't see it so I don't know how bad it was. My DD is almost 5 and almost never has tantrums, but she had a tantrum at the pool yesterday as we were leaving because she wanted to stay. She was unusually nasty to me in front of other moms. I was FURIOUS. I put her in her room for 20 minutes when we got home and told her that if she ever acted like that at the pool again, I was never taking her swimming again. I really feel that was enough punishment for her. She apologized twice at least for her behavior and was really good today.

    So, yes, we do punish for tantrums, but it's usually time-outs/quiet time in their rooms for an extended period of time. I've taken movie night away, but that's usually reserved for when they are acting really bad, making messes, not listening, fighting, etc.

  • I punish for tantrums.

    I think taking away movie/shake night is too harsh, but ONLY because you didn't state the consequences at the time of the tantrum.  I remove DD from the situation immediately (take her outside, kicking and screaming and all, and put her in the car) and say something like this, "I will give you 2 minutes to calm down and get yourself in your seat.  If you aren't able to do that, you will lose your movie and milkshake privledges."

    I give the 2 minute cooling time because I do believe a kid needs to finish getting their feelings out.

    I feel very strongly that a child needs to be punished at the time of infraction--or at the very least, informed of the punishment at the time of infraction.  So for me--it would be way too late.

    ETA my sig pics are really old.  I have an almost 5 year old and 3 year old.  And this is how I punish them both.

  • ZenyaZenya member

    Well it was before dinner.  That's a horrible time in most houses, I think.  So I wouldn't necessarily make out like it was a rosy time.  I mean it wasn't - an otherwise 'good' girl losthershit.  Maybe she'll wake up sick tomorrow, who knows.

    I had something similar happen with Christopher except he HIT me on top of it all.  I was so upset and furious.  He got a big huge long lecture from me and from DH (separately) and  a lecture before we left the house the next few times about appropriate behavior and we went over different ways to handle frustration.

    I also had to be more mindful going forward of doing things at that time. It's a crappy time here, anyway.

    So - I wouldn't cut the movie or the milkshake.  That's assuming she's apologetic, etc.   

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  • with my 5 y/o, on the way to the car, I'd say, "wow, you're either really tired or you really don't ever want to go to x's house again." usually followed by a sulky "no." and my response "well, why would I bring you to x's house if this is how you act when it's time to go home?  doesn't make me want to bring you again, now does it? I think it's time for a nap." and I'd send her to her room when we got home.   

    I don't think taking the movie away is too harsh... but I may have said it in the car on the way home.. "no movie tonight because of how you just behaved in front of mrs whoever."  

     

  • My DS is 4.5.  Anytime we're about to leave somewhere fun- Grandma's, friend's, park, etc'- I give him the warning that if he doesn't leave nicely then we don't get to come back next time we want to.  I might also give the warning of having to spend time in his room to cool down when we get home.  Usually it works.  

    If you didn't give a warning of a consequence at the time of her tantrum, then I probably wouldn't punish for it.  But with a warning of what kind of behavior is expected and what will happen otherwise, then I do punish for tantrums like that.  

    ~Melissa~ married to Cris 08.13.04 mom to Tyler 01.12.07 donate to my cause
  • If this was a contined behavior, or becomes a continued behavior, I would punish for it (lose a privilege).

    But this sounds like it's a one off.  I feel bad for her actually.  EVERYONE has tantrums.  Hell, I've had worse ones than my kids!  LOL  So I think it's totally normal for her to freak out every now and then.  I would NOT take the movie night away. 

    Actually, when Joey tantrums (he's a bit older - almost 7) but it's so infrequent that I usually just ask him "What is going on buddy?"  Because it's usually because something IS going on.  Now there are times he tantrums just b/c he's being a brat (wants what his sister has, isn't getting his way, whatever) and if that's the case, I just let him know he can either go in his room (which I guess is like time out) or he will lose a privilege.  But I do that DURING the tantrum -- not hours later.  So sounds like you just let this one go and then if it happens again, let her know in the moment there will be a consequence (of your choosing).

    Sorry you had a rough time!!  That's no fun -- for anyone. 

  • Both my 5 and 6 1/2 yo still have tantrums maybe once or twice a year. It is always because they are tire/overwhelmed/getting sick. So we don't punish them per say, but we do go to quiet activities and an early bed time. I would give the milkshake, and skip the movie in favor of sleeping. I would not make it sound like a punishment, just explain that if she can not control herself then she must be tired so it is important to go to bed early.
    Proud Mommy to Kaylie 12-04, Alaina 5-06 & Annalise 6-08 imageimage
  • imageEastCoastBride:
    To date, I have not punished for tantrums. As frustrating as they are, I feel like tantrums in and of themselves are about our kids being unable to communicate what they are upset about.

    THIS.  It's a sign of emotional immaturity.  As with anything else, we don't punish our kids for what they haven't learned to do yet.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • I agree that tantrums are uncontrolled emotion and I don't think there should be discipline for toddlers or preschoolers. However, at 5 and above they should be learning how to handle strong emotions, and we need to teach what is appropriate and acceptable and what isn't. I often remind my 5 year old that he needs to listen (and not throw a tantrum) when it is time to leave or he won't be able to come to the pool, friend's house, whatever, next time. The disappointment of leaving a friend can be overwhelming, but coping skills must be developed. In your case, I wouldn't do anything now (time has passed) but I would remind her next time that she will need to leave at 4:00 (or whatever) and what you will expect or what will happen if she chooses to throw a tantrum like last time.
    Fortunate to be a SAHM to my 3 musketeers (5/2006, 5/2010 & 12/2011). Soy & dairy free for the 3rd and final time. Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers imageimage
  • I try to make all punishments fit the crime as much as possible. Like, since she threw a tantrum about leaving this particular friend's house, I wouldn't let her go back to that child's house the next time she asked. I'd explain to her why she wasn't being allowed to go back and then tell her, maybe next week. If next week rolled around and she had ANOTHER tantrum, I'd tell her we're going to have to stay away for longer (2 weeks).

    Maybe I'm a mean mommy, but that's just the way I roll. (I also think punishments should be as immediate as possible. She may not even REMEMBER the tantrum from the day before let alone make the connection as to why she can't have a movie and milkshake because of it.) 

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