Things are just really tough over here for me.
DF and i had a huge falling out.. with an issue that set us back financially this past year. It's very personal, but I'll fill in the gaps later if anyone wants to know.
Anyways, long story short. I enjoy being a SAHM, and feel it's the best choice for my kids. But financially it's killing me, DF is unreliable with bill paying, works a construction job, and it's really hard doing anything by myself. I am on social security for an anxiety disorder I've had my entire life, I'm allowed to work a certain amount of hours per week and still keep those benefits, but I attend college courses online full time, and right now I want to be home with my babies.. because theyr'e so young. DF is extremely hard to talk to, and I do not know why he just doesn't want to be responsible. He doesn't blow his money, just sits on it and doesn't shell it out where it needs to go.
For example, he takes our car every day, leaving me stuck at home with the kids and with nothing to do or nowhere to go, but leaves the gas tank on E all the time. Inconsiderate, no? Sorry about this vent, but I do not know what to do. Each post I read on here usually describes the girls on here as being 'comfortable' or making good money, and it hit kinda close to home, so I posted this.
Re: Anyone here that isn't 'comfortable' financially?
It's my issues with him, and my issues with how he handles money.
He has no bank account or credit cards, so therefore unless he gives the money directly to the needed company to pay, or to me to deposit into the bank and pay them via card or check, he just carries cash and spends it on senseless things if anything at all.
Don't get me wrong, he does buy the necessities for the LO's. But when I get my one pay check per month, I end up with 0$ for them or myself because I end up having to pay whatever bills I can with that money.
We've talked. But when we talk, it's me talking, and him sitting stone faced with no reply and the occasional nod as if to wait until I'm done. This often leads to me raising my voice and us arguing because I'm sure you can imagine the frustration in that, but more often than not that doesn't even happen because I do not want to argue in front of the babies.
We have zip for communication. He hates talking about adult things, I'm 24 he's turning 27. I think its about time he grows up. I mean nobody likes paying bills, but he doesn't even ever fill the gas tank unless I beg him to, and that comes with a roll of the eyes and a huffy puffy him.
I've been debating replying or not. I don't want to be rude - clearly you aren't in the best place and being rude isn't helpful. But if I am going to be honest, then it isn't going to all be nice.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Which leads me to DF.
In this short post, you've said he is unreliable from a financial standpoint, that he is not a good communicator, he isn't responsible, and that he is inconsiderate and unthoughtful regarding your feelings and needs. You aren't married to him. Why would you? If you are having this many issues as engaged people, I really think it will only be worse when/if married.
Being at home with kids is great. But you sound trapped - you have no money, no transportation, no support from your "D"F, no communication with him, etc. So, I think you are stuck in this place -this unhappy place - he isn't going to get better if you do nothing. But doing something is hard.
I'm truly sorry you are in this situation, it sounds really rough. But really, I think you need to really think more about how DF isn't enabling you to get out of this situation or make any progress in a better direction.
You need to talk to your fiance.
I am imagining you don't have joint accounts or access to his money, or you wouldn't exactly be concerned with the gas tank being on E or him sitting on his money. Its fine to not have joint accounts, every family is different with how that goes, but it sounds like you have no system in place whatsoever.
I wouldn't say everyone on this board has husbands raking in the dough. But comfort is something else. Its knowing you can pay your bills, save a little money, and budget appropriately. You might be saving $50 and living in a small apartment, but you know what is coming in and you know where it is going. This is done by open communication between the two parents. If there is a mutual decision for a woman to stay home, than there has to be some planning about how things are going to go financially, whether you make 25k a year or 500k a year.
Money is one of those things that is the root of so many issues, so I truely urge you to have an open and honest communication about your concerns, which are valid.
Good luck!
So, from what you've said, the issue isn't about money, or lack thereof. We don't have tons of money, but we communicate, know what needs paid when, and know if we have extra to spend of not. Somehow, you either need to get to that point, put up with the way things are now, or get out. DH cannot handle the money. He simply can't. We'd never have our bills paid, we'd never have money for groceries. It sounds like your fi is somewhat similar.
Why can't you tell him in advance what you need from him as far as bills go before he gets paid? That way he knows what you need to pay his share of the bills. I mean, you live together, have kids together, seems like the finances should be somewhat shared.
All I can say is you are way more patient then me. I wouldn't put up with that $hit in a million years.
We are not 'rolling' but we are in a place where if we had the same income forever, we'll be living exactly the life we hope for. We don't get to realize that right now because we are in debt-snowball mode, but I digress.
Just more of what PP's said...
In my opinion - Two of the most important things (among others) are a similar opinion on handling finances and communication. If you aren't happy now, you'll be even less happy after getting married. You are young and you shouldn't be marrying someone who doesn't make you happy. What's the point?
This isn't a money problem, it is a FI problem, I think you guys need to sit down and work out a serious budget.
Does he admit that he is careless with money? If I were you, I would get his paycheck direct deposited into a joint account. I take care of the finances in our house, so I pay all the bills and my H lets me know when he needs to take money out. Maybe a similar system would work for you since he is so careless?
Good luck and I really feel for you
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
I wrote my previous response before reading your reply with more information.
This is really tough, and I don't know your fiance so I am going to refrain from some of the things I could say about his behavior, but I will say I certainly understand your frustration and concern.
The only thing I can recommend, is maybe start with small simple changes, like having him set aside X amount of dollars for bills in an envelope every week when he cashes his paycheck.
I really hope this situation improves. Honestly, I could not live like that. Maybe I am a control freak, but the situation seems highly dysfunctional. If you are going to be married, you absolutely need to agree on finances in a general sense, and resources need to be more shared. End of story.
Good luck
This. Walk away -- especially after reading some of your blog and seeing your comment that you and your FI have had shoving matches. NEVER ok... NEVER.
All of this. Every single last word of it.
Aaand, I'm going to bump it up a notch (I'll probably get flamed to hell for doing so, but here goes)...
YOU need to start taking care of your self and your kids. YOU. Do not sit around and wait for your FI to deem it necessary that he pay a bill.
The thing is, here, is that this SAHM thing isn't working out for you. Not in the least. Sure it would be nice to be able to SAH. I get that, but in YOUR situation, I hardly think it is the right decision for you and your kids. YOU need to be the one to step up and act like a responsible adult; YOU need to be the positive role model for your children because clearly your FI isn't; YOU need to learn to support yourself both financially and emotionally (I'm getting the vibe that you think you can't do any better than your FI); YOU need to get a job where you can support your kids, get away from your FI (he sounds physically and emotionally abusive - NOT good at all for the kids), and get some counseling for yourself to figure out why you'd allow yourself to be treated like this.
And yes this is all falling on your shoulders and it sucks. I'm sorry about that. But you need to look at the bigger picture - you and your kids deserve better than this guy and it will be up to you to make that happen. You deserve someone who will actively listen to you and work with you to resolve any problems that arise.
Keep reminding yourself that you and your kids deserve a LOT better and kick this loser to the curb.
Wait, hold up... I'm reading your blog and you've been diagnosed with anxiety (I got that from your OP), it keeps you from working and you're not seeing a therapist in order to get medication????
How in the hell is this even possible?
This pretty much sums up my estimation that your FI is abusive. He's got you EXACTLY where he wants you - feeling helpless.
No more excuses. Its time to grow up. You make the appointments you need, get your butt up early and drop your FI off to work and get yourself to the appointments you need to make in order to get yourself healthy.
I agree with all of this.
You're wrong when you say that SAH is the best choice for your kids. It's not-you're setting them up for a pretty lousy future in the situation you're currently in.
GL to you. I hope you're able to get your life on track for your children's sake.
This exactly.
You and your children deserve better than this. Your fi doesn't even have a bank account and refuses to pay bills like a grownup? It's time for you to step up and take charge of your life and be an advocate for your babies. It is time to make some hard decisions about protecting them and doing what is best for them and you, and it does not involve staying with this loser.
You are talking about two different issues. I stayed home for a year with my DS, but will be returning to work in the fall. Do I want to return to work? No, not at all. However, staying home and living comfortably are not in the cards for us at this point in time. You mentioned that your DF needs to grow up, but I think you need to realize that although you may WANT to stay at home, it is not what your family NEEDS at this point in time.
The other issue is the fact that you are completely dependent upon your DF. One of the things that I have noticed about this board is that many women on the board had successful careers/jobs before deciding to SAH. If the absolute worst happened, they would be able to support their families on their own. I think that plays a big part into the comfort level of many women on this board.
This. My H has anxiety issues and he still works. He sees his doctor every six months and, yes, he is on medication. Stop making excuses.
You situation makes me sad. You "D"F need to grow up and be more responsible with his money. And I'm sure this immaturity oozes into other parts of your relationship.
WITHOUT COMMUNICATION YOU HAVE NOTHING. If you two can't fix that on your own, you need counseling.
ok, nevermind, i'm reading all of these other posts about the shoving, fighting, disability. it seems to me that you also lack initiative to do something for yourself. if you have such terrible anxiety that you are unable to work, why are you not taking meds or doing something better for yourself? are you one of those people who likes to get money from the government so you don't have to work? i just don't understand why you wouldn't take the proper medication and get therapy to learn coping skills in order to make yourself better. what's a college education going to do if you can't get your anxiety under control in order to work? i really hope you are not one of the million people who like to milk the system. if i'm wrong than i'm sorry but it sure seems like it.
Why no bank account? I find it really hard to believe that an adult would not have any bank accounts. Does he have any mental health issues
Can you drop him off at work so you have access to a car? Or is this an attempt for him to control what you can and can't do during the day?
Could you get a part time job when DF is not working? It might be good to be around orther adults and have a little more income.
We are very tight finanically. We are both aware of this and make spending decision together.
Until DF decides to be a grow-up, don't even consider getting married.
Controlling/keeping money away from a partner is a form of abuse. So is shoving.
You need to get out of this relationship and into some counseling to work on your self esteem and anxiety issues. Being with an abusive partner cannot be good for your mental health or that of your kids. I have a feeling that once you take active control of your life (and stop letting someone else determine it for you), as well as go on medication, the anxiety will lessen to the point that you can find and keep a full-time job. Your kids will have a much better chance at a happy home life that way than if you stay there as a SAHM.
Do yourself a favor: call it quits with this overgrown middle schooler..
Your FI sounds irresponsible -- he won't even fill the gas tank? What is he, like 6 years old?
I'm pretty sure this behaviior isn't new; willing to bet he was like this when you were dating.
You're not married to him. I'd leave.-- he's got a BIG problem with money; bad enough --- he also has a big problem with the "OUR money concept."
I could suggest a financial planner; it would be a great idea, but he's got a whole other problem wtih immaturity and being an adult. A financial planner can't take care of that. It's not gonna help.
I also see a problem with his character and respect for you. He spends away his paycheck and YOU get to pick up the financial ball and pay for the essentials. Disgusting.
Not married to this guy?
If you're interested in marrying this jerk, riot act read to him where you mention all of the above, and tell him you want action by a certain date....or you and the kids are out of there.
And if he does not follow through, leave. Retain an attorney for child support and child visitation issues.
Don't marry this guy. It would be a disaster; if he can't take care of monthly essentials or fill a damn gas tank, he sure ain't ready for marriage.
I'm sorry OP. I really am, but you need to buck up & do right by your kids. Get the meds, therapy & support you need to be self-sufficient. You will only harm your children staying put. You deserve better & so do they, frankly. Get out while you still can!
Being "comfortable" isn't the issue here. His lack of being an adult is the issue.
Don't marry this guy. A piece of paper will not change things.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
It seems like you are in a really bad situation.
Comfort can be seen differently in each persons situation.
Comfort for me is having a stable relationship, stable income and a stable lifestyle. Your fiance is not giving you any of these based on your blog and backstory. Please get some help from your family or friends before your situation gets worse.
I really wish the best for you and I hope you reach out for help.