Freaking emotional wreck (long and pathetic)

MsPurple24

I am not dealing well today.  Our daycare provider called this morning to talk about "transition week." Basically I will need to take H to daycare each morning the week before I return to work, just for a couple of hours, to help H and myself with the transition.  I understand why our DCP does this and I realize that H and I will both need to ease into it, but I completely melted down after getting off the phone with her.  I felt like I lost a whole week of my summer (that's being overdramatic, but I've been thinking about how I have 4 weeks left before daycare, and now I have just 3... so in a sense, I've "lost" a week).

Some of you saw my FB post this morning (thank you for the supportive comments, by the way), where several people commented that they chose to be a SAHM to avoid daycare.  Believe me, there's nothing I want more.  But that's not financially a possibility for us, and most of the people who commented in that way are old high school classmates of mine, still living in rural Wisconsin.  If I were living there, I could stay at home, too!  But I chose NOT to stay in that part of the country and I don't regret that.  And one person made a comment that may or may not have been criticizing my decision to go back to work instead of staying home... this is a person I hardly know and now I feel completely judged.  Ridiculous, I know, but I'm just feeling really depressed lately about this situation.

Not helping matters was my husband, who came home and saw me sobbing this evening.  He asked what my biggest fear was and I told him that I'm afraid they will let her CIO for naps (she does not go down for naps easily and I don't know how they could possibly spend the amount of time with her that she needs in order to fall asleep).  And even though we're past the colic, she's still a very fussy baby a lot of the time.  I said, "I'm afraid she's just going to cry and cry that first week" and he responded, "and she will."  This caused a whole new meltdown.  Not what I needed him to say AT ALL.  He's typically very supportive emotionally, but I don't think he has any idea how hard this is going to be for me.

Thanks for reading.  I'm not looking for pity, just sharing with people who I know for sure will understand!!

maryh01

Aww...big hugs M.  It's really hard and will take time, but I promise you both will adjust to it.  You have to do what's right for you and your family and if that means working, well then, that means you have to work and that's not a bad thing.  There are millions of working moms who have healthy and happy babies who (gasp!) go to daycare every day. 

And FWIW...I HIGHLY doubt they will let her CIO for naps because they have several other babies that need to sleep and her crying will keep them all awake.  

mandy0505

aww I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I did see your face book but did not see the comment that Mrs. JudgeyPants made. I think if we all lived somewhere that was affordable enough for us to stay home with the kids we would. Try not to let people get you down.

Hopefully the fact that the DCP wants a transition week kinda eases your mind a bit. I would think they are probably even better than most places because they are thinking ahead and wanting to help with the change rather than just putting you lo through all the anxiety. Maybe talk to them about nap time and hopefully they will offer you their solutions they use for a fussy nap time. 

SarahCee

Big hugs. That has to be tough. I'm sorry people were so judgemental of you, it sounds like you need to re-evaluate your FB "friends". You will get through this, and you and H will be great in the long run. If you are really concerned about the DCP letting H CIO, I would talk with them and see what their plan is.

jlilly

Huge hugs M.  I am so sorry about the thoughtless people on FB.  Some people just don't have a clue.  There are a bunch of teachers in my mothers' group and this daycare deadline has been a hot topic because they are all feeling the pressure.  One poor woman is having nightmares about the CIO scenario you are describing.  Something that has been mentioned a LOT by the experienced moms in the group and the LC and the child development expert who lead the group is that kids often have a "daycare personality" and they do and cope with things that we can't get them to do in our wildest fantasies and they are pretty happy to coast right along.  I'm sure not every baby is like this but the consensus was that daycare is far, far harder on Mommy and baby usually does just fine.  I hope the transition week brings some relief to your worries instead of adding to the bad feelings. Again, hugs.           t 

AnyaBella

I don't know a lot about daycare but from what my friends have told me most daycares (the good ones anyway) should be very respectful of your wishes when it comes to raising your child. If you're worried about them letting her CIO talk to them. Tell them that you absolutely do not want that happening (if that's how you feel). I say, be demanding, don't be afraid to tell them what your want. She's your daughter and you are paying them money so they should absolutely respect your wishes.

As for whatever went down on FB... big hugs! I have definitely had a few jerky comments here and there. For instance the other day an old friend told me G is going to be humiliated by the bath pictures I posted - no parts were showing but clearly nude. Oh and my cousin seems to wear her judgy-pants on a daily basis... people are just lame. You just have to try your best to take it with a grain of salt. People don't know/understand your situation and they think if you are posting on FB they get to put their 2 cents in. Stay strong in knowing that you are doing what is best for you and your family and what's best for you may not be what's best for others and that's ok. Hugs!

love22

Hugs.  It is so hard.  I know for me going back the hardest part was thinking about it before I even went back. I literally cried by the hour before I went back to work.   I actually went in to work for a few hours by choice the week before I had to go back so that way when I did have to go back I could leave as late as possible and come back as soon as I was allowed.

Also, a good daycare will respect your wishes on how to put your baby to sleep.  I think most babies like daycare because there is so much stimulation with other babies to look at.  I doubt she'll cry although I know M ate out of comfort a lot that first week or so I went back to work.  I know what works for me or me and my DH isn't what worked for my MIL who watches DS full time.  I am sure your DCP will keep your daughter happy and she will use all the tricks she has learned over time to keep her the sweet girl you know she is.

StefandTodd

I'm so sorry, M.  I saw the first "I couldn't do it, so now I stay home and am MUCH happier" response and totally rolled my eyes HARD this morning.  That is such an ignorant, asinine thing to say to a mom struggling with going back to work soon.  I am disappointed to see you got some even douchier comments after that.  Ugh.  Obviously, I have no idea how hard it will be or how I'll feel when the time comes, so I can only imagine...and I imagine it is really rough.  I have taken to heart though a lot of the things I've heard again and again around these parts - the anticipation is so much harder than the reality, it gets easier...I also think that babies really seem to thrive in daycare and have so much fun, and I try to keep in mind all the interaction with other babies and other people they get.  I've heard moms say it makes the quality of the time you have together even greater.  It will get easier.  Just remember that what you're doing is what's best for you and your family.  I'm so sorry you're having a rough time.  I know I'm not long behind ya.  I hope it's a smooth as possible transition for you.  Big, big hugs.

CarFar

I actually just saw that post you made. I really am upset on your behalf for a couple of those comments. I hope it is a little easier than you anticipate. I can only imagine how rough it is hugs.

ladipale

So sorry it was a tough day I hope my comment on FB was OK. I know for me, the anticipation and thinking about it was so much worse than actually taking E to daycare. And debates like that piss me off because frankly, even if I had the choice, I would choose to work, it just fits my personality better and makes me a better mother when I am home.

I agree with the others, I highly doubt they will let her CIO bc that would interrupt the other babies. All the infants at E's daycare have good days and bad days, same as they do at home. I think the transition days are a great idea. You can bring H, see her in the environment and go out and do something for yourself then go pick her up.

But I also *totally* understand that you now have one less week than you originally thought. Ugh! You will both do great, I know it.

 

 

amyfelice

I was such a wreck too. I think they often do a lot better with other people than with us, for some reason. It will most likely go a lot better than you think. Huge hugs, it's super difficult to go back to work. You will both get through it. She may be clingier at first and maybe fussier when you are together, but it will pass. I think the transition is very important. 

Mrs.BoomBoom

Big hugs!  It dawned on me today that I'll need to do that transition week too and I'm not looking forward to it.  (I didn't do it last year because I was out of town with my mom's illness until the day I had to report for work) There's so much I wanted to do this summer and it doesn't feel like I've done any of it.

Interestingly enough, our problems with daycare stemmed from them not letting Q CIO.  I took them a child who went to sleep without problem, laid down, put his hands up behind his head, talked/cried for a few minutes, and went to sleep (and would wake but put himself back to sleep) They swaddled him, gave him a pacifier, and put him to sleep on his stomach...then wouldn't leave him in his crib if he wasn't asleep!

Hope the transition goes well, for both of you!  

katrina_pharmd

I am sorry you are feel so sad/upset today.  I totally understand the daycare situation.  My DS isn't going to daycare till January of next year and I am already having anxiety about it.  I think that your DCP sounds really understanding and reasonable.  I was unaware that I was supposed to transition my kid into daycare, and when I was telling another mum about my plans to go back to work at the new year, she scared me when she said, "so you are just gonna dump him off at daycare for the whole 8 hours on the first day?"  So, I think it's good that she called you about it, and it will probably make things easier at the beginning.  And I think she opened the door to communication, so I am sure you can talk to her about your CIO concerns.  Still I know that you feel like you have lost a week.

In regard to going back to work and your FB comments....they obviously have no idea what your situation is.  Whenever I get comments I don't like, I delete them or else it upsets me.  I must be a terrible mother b/c I am going back to work full time b/c I love my job and I want too.  We could probably make it work on one income, but I love what I do and I can't imagine not working.

Anyhoo, I am not sure if this was helpful.  All the best.

kfishie

Huge hugs M! 

SweetieP

I have no advice - just hugs and support.  Sorry that your FB friends were turds.  I guess if were me, I'd hide people on FB and be sure to talk to your DCP about your concerns and address the issue up front.

MsPurple24

Sorry for the post and run... right after I posted, H had a GIANT meltdown and then I had to leave for a hair appointment, so it was not a good evening.  I'm just now sitting down and trying to eat something for dinner... at 9pm.  But it was great to return to all these wonderful responses.

Thank you soooooo much for the support.  Ugh, I so needed that today and knew you all would understand.  You made a lot of good points.  I can simply ask my DCP not to let her CIO, since she's not a baby who self-soothes.  And the fact that many daycares won't do that anyway... that's not something I would have known, so I appreciate the input and now I know to ask.  Also, the reminder that she will be around other kids- even though she's really young, she loves watching other babies and bigger kids, so I know you're right about that.

I'm going to save this thread because I think I will need the reminders and virtual hugs in the coming weeks.  You guys are so great and I'm so thankful for the support!! 

Ladipale, I wasn't hurt by your FB comment at all- in fact, just the opposite.  I think you told me the same thing about pumping at work (that the anticipation is worse than actually doing it), and that really helped in both cases.  Today I found myself repeating that each time I felt like I was going to lose it... the anticipation is worse than it will actually be.  And it makes sense, because the anticipation really sucks, but once I get through the first day, I think I'm going to be ok.  So thank you! 

mrscerruti2be

I'm sorry some people are so douchecockish and clueless.  You have every right to feel the way you do.  Everyone is here to support you through this.

secretkeeper321

I'm completely late to this post and you've already gotten great advice and support. I just wanted to give you a ((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))). H is going to do great and you are going to do great. It takes time, give the situation some. Tears are ok, let em flow.

Just talk to you DCP about any of your concerns. It already sounds like she is sensitive to the changes you both are going to experience, I know she'll be receptive to your CIO wishes.

I remember drop off being so hard, but pick up is so wonderful. There will be hard days and there will be days you are so thankful you get to go to work and have a "break." Roll with the punches....as soon as you get used to something, H will change it up for you.

I am baffled by the fact that my child is a miserable sleeper for me and DH most of the time...yet, in DC his is a champ. They all tell me how he puts himself to bed and hands them his paci when he wakes up. You think he does that at home? Fat chance!

Just enjoy these last few weeks of summer.

Mrs.K&C

MsPurple24:

He asked what my biggest fear was and I told him that I'm afraid they will let her CIO for naps (she does not go down for naps easily and I don't know how they could possibly spend the amount of time with her that she needs in order to fall asleep).  And even though we're past the colic, she's still a very fussy baby a lot of the time. 

This was totally us with Travis. He was 3 months, turning a corner in that he could be consoled (whereas he could not be consoled at all before) but he was still VERY fussy. Being my second kiddo, I was more concerned about him getting kicked out of daycare because he was so high maintenance! Anyway, the kids act differently elsewhere. They really do. Travis was not as fussy, and also when I would say something to my DCP about being worried that he was too fussy or high maintenance, she said "it's my job to deal with fussy babies". I don't know why, but it made me feel a lot better. It didn't bother her in the least, she totally adapted to his needs and reminded me he wasn't the first fussy baby she's had in her care and won't be the last!

From my experience there is no point in transitioning an infant, but if your DCP insists I guess that's the way it is. But if you had a choice, I'd decline - they don't remember anything at that age!

MsPurple24

Mrs.K&C:

MsPurple24:

He asked what my biggest fear was and I told him that I'm afraid they will let her CIO for naps (she does not go down for naps easily and I don't know how they could possibly spend the amount of time with her that she needs in order to fall asleep).  And even though we're past the colic, she's still a very fussy baby a lot of the time. 

This was totally us with Travis. He was 3 months, turning a corner in that he could be consoled (whereas he could not be consoled at all before) but he was still VERY fussy. Being my second kiddo, I was more concerned about him getting kicked out of daycare because he was so high maintenance! Anyway, the kids act differently elsewhere. They really do. Travis was not as fussy, and also when I would say something to my DCP about being worried that he was too fussy or high maintenance, she said "it's my job to deal with fussy babies". I don't know why, but it made me feel a lot better. It didn't bother her in the least, she totally adapted to his needs and reminded me he wasn't the first fussy baby she's had in her care and won't be the last!

From my experience there is no point in transitioning an infant, but if your DCP insists I guess that's the way it is. But if you had a choice, I'd decline - they don't remember anything at that age!

Thank you so much, that's really helpful.  And as far as the transition, my impression from our phone conversation was that the transition week was more for the parents than the kids.    She asked me how I wanted to transition Haley in, but I had no idea what to do, so I asked for her input and she told me what all the other parents are doing (dropping off at the "usual" time each morning so they can practice their morning routine, but picking up after just a couple of hours or if the baby/child is having a hard time).  I knew that would be the best way to transition for me, so I decided to go with it.  It was just hard to accept, that's all. 

futrkingsley

Going back to work is hard.  No doubt about it.  I too had no choice financially.  At the time, my husband's work hours had been cut dramatically (and would be again!), and I carried our very vital health insurance.  My job supported and still supports my family.  No if's and or buts.

And it kicked my ass to leave DS.  The days before I was a blubbering mess.  I realized the NIGHT before that I only had enough pumped milk for ONE day in my stash.  Cue more crying. 

My mom was and is my DCP and she insisted on a few practice runs in the months leading up to it.  It was a lifesaver.  In your case, I'd use the time to really sort out your morning routine, run errands to make sure you have everything you need for return to work (I needed to go out and buy some work appropriate clothes in my new size), test out your pump and output, maybe make a few worknight dinners?  Make it work for you. 

It does get easier.  Like pp mentioned, some days are hard, yes.  But some days you'll be glad you get to escape.

Good luck!

MsPurple24

futrkingsley:

My mom was and is my DCP and she insisted on a few practice runs in the months leading up to it.  It was a lifesaver.  In your case, I'd use the time to really sort out your morning routine, run errands to make sure you have everything you need for return to work (I needed to go out and buy some work appropriate clothes in my new size), test out your pump and output, maybe make a few worknight dinners?  Make it work for you. 

It does get easier.  Like pp mentioned, some days are hard, yes.  But some days you'll be glad you get to escape.

Good luck!

My plan is to work in my classroom each day, since I usually work in there over the summer to prepare for back-to-school and I haven't this year.  But that's a good idea, getting my errands done without her so I'll feel prepared to go back.  Thanks!

MrsEmm

I can promise you that it will get better. Its a huge transition but you just take it day by day. Ive spent lots of time crying over the same thing but it gets better. Honestly. And youre always free to make changes, even though like many of us, you cant go to one income. 

carmeng

I just want you to know that you're not alone...I'm having a hard time too. Hang in there and huge hugs!