School-Aged Children
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If you have a fur baby
We have a boxer that is now 8 years old, and declining health. I seriously don't see her with us another year or even 6 months. We have a 5 year old son, and when we feel it is time to "help" our very loved fur baby to pass on, how should we handle telling son. Should he be involved with us at the vet office? Should we not involve him until after the dog passes on? We bring all our animals home and bury them in the yard so he will def be there to assist with that, no matter what we do. We had a cat pass last December, and it was very sad for him. He is much closer to our Dog than he ever was with the cat. I tear up just thinking about my dog, we love her so much. Any thoughts are welcome, we are unsure how to best handle this. Thanks.
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Re: If you have a fur baby
My girls were younger than that (oldest was 5) when we had to make that choice for our little dog. The book "Dog Heaven" helped a lot.
I don't think my kids could handle being in the room. It is so hard even for adults.
My step-kids are 8 and 9 and are very close with my lab mix (who is turning 14 in January).
I have been preparing MYSELF for the eventuality that my best friend will be leaving us soon, and I recently started discussing it (simply) with the kids. My grandmother passed away not too long ago, and they were aware of that and saw me grieve. So when we talk about the dog, I tell them "Mo is getting older and isn't feeling very well anymore, just like Gram Kelly was before she passed away" and they say "Is Mo going to pass away?" and I tell them "Probably some day. I'm not sure when." and we talk about being gentle and kind to him now in his old age.
When it's time to send him on his way, I'll probably just go do it myself (I might have DH along, I don't know). Mo is my BEST friend...i have a SERIOUS connection and love for this dog and this is going to be really hard, so I'm sure I'll want to be really private about it for a while. But the kids will be helping us bury him in the yard and will help pic a marker to be made for him for the yard (Like a memorial plague or patio stone or something). So they'll be involved in other ways even if they aren't physically AT the vet.
I think for your own peace of mind, you should wait until afterwords. There would be a lot of confusion for the kids I think, if you told them you were going to make your dog die. Maybe even small resentment.
We had dogs our whole life, and I remember thinking just let them die on their own, and they could be with us longer. I of course didn't see how the animals were suffering as much as my parents did.
If it's done, it's done. The kids will be able to move more quickly through the mourning process.
So sorry to hear about your fur baby. I completely agree with pp. I would not tell the kids, at such a young age, that you are putting your dog to sleep. I'm not really sure if younger children would understand that you are helping the dog. I think they would probably see it as you "hurting" him.
About 6 months ago we had to put down our beagle baby. We went to the vet when our oldest was at school, brought her back and buried her, then when he got home from school we told him that she passed away and showed him where she was buried. He was upset but, I think that it would have been much more tramatic if he would have been involved in the entire process. Simply because it was horrific for me and my husband. This way worked out best for us.
Now with that said, if something happened to Maxx our Chow/shepard mix, I would definitely make sure that my oldest was here and involved in the entire process. Maxx is his best friend and I don't think he would ever forgive me if he wasn't there to say goodbye. My DS is 11 and pretty mature so I think that he could handle knowing the "truth".
Use your best judgement momma. Only you know what's best for your children!
Ugh -- this is hard, but the life lessons involved in dealing with an aging pet and a pet's death are part of what makes pet ownership an important experience for kids and families.
When we went through this with our cat, my kids were 5 and 9. DH and I decided ahead of time (and privately from the kids) what our criteria would be for making the call about when it would be "time." When it was close to "time" but we were not quite there yet, I talked to the kids about the whole concept of making the decision to end a pet's suffering, and why it's an important and responsible aspect of being a pet owner. I wanted them to understand that I wasn't unjustly ending the cat's life. I let them know that the time was probably going to come very soon. I answered all their questions about it. During this conversation, I was crying, and I explained to the kids that being sad and crying is normal, but that we still needed to do the right thing for the cat.
When the day came, I arranged for my mom to come stay with my youngest, who was still in preschool at the time. Separate from the youngest, I offered my oldest, who was then in 4th grade, a chance to stay home from school. She opted not to, figuring that school would be a good distraction. She said her tearful "goodbyes" to the cat the night before and in the morning before getting on the bus. I wrote a quick email to her teacher to let her know what was going on, in case DD was upset at school.
I took the cat by myself (bawling the whole way there!) While DS was at preschool, I went to the craft store and got supplies to paint a picture frame as a memorial for the cat. I painted it and let the kids pick their favorite picture of the cat. This helped everyone with closure.
"The day" was on a Thursday, and we fortunately had already planned a camping trip for the weekend. By the time we got home from camping, everyone could converse about the cat without tears.