Talk me off a ledge please...

AmandaJordan1985

...because I'm so sick and tired of thinking about ex. I dreamed about him 3 times this week. He contacted me and started feeding me lines about how good he is doing lately and he's stopped partying and being an idiot. I can't fvcking stand him and I have a mind to call him and tell him just how he makes me feel. He makes me feel sick and disgusted for the way that I acted when we were together. 2 years of my life I will NEVER get back because of him. Thank God I got DS out of all the BS but my God, sometimes I wish he was some one night stand that got me pregnant and I would never have to deal with again. It makes me so mad that he chose his hooker gf over DS last time we visited. The fact that he claims not to be able to afford to come here to see DS but he shoves coke up his nose and beer down his throat every single weekend with a bunch of other junkies. How he tries to make everything my fault. I feel so much guilt because I put DS in a situation like this. I foolishly believed his lies when he said he would change for his son and made zero effort. I'm sorry i'm rambling I just don't know what to do. I'm losing it and every time i'm ok for a while, this creeps up from somewhere. I don't want to feel such ugly feelings towards him and he doesn't deserve to be in my thoughts at all. Some days, it's just hard and I feel like a sh*tty mother for having DS be stuck in the middle.

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AmandaJordan1985

I know that he will not change. I know that everything out of his mouth is a lie. I know that I am so much better than that. We usually only communicate through text and it was a totally random phone call. I've been doing really good lately I just don't know what has gotten in to me today. I've been to counselling and it has helped.

As for custody, I have sole legal and physical custody of DS. That was a huge weight off my shoulders. 

Sorry for flipping out. I guess I just needed to get it out. 

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peeps61308

AmandaJordan1985:

...because I'm so sick and tired of thinking about ex. I dreamed about him 3 times this week. He contacted me and started feeding me lines about how good he is doing lately and he's stopped partying and being an idiot. I can't fvcking stand him and I have a mind to call him and tell him just how he makes me feel. He makes me feel sick and disgusted for the way that I acted when we were together. 2 years of my life I will NEVER get back because of him. Thank God I got DS out of all the BS but my God, sometimes I wish he was some one night stand that got me pregnant and I would never have to deal with again. It makes me so mad that he chose his hooker gf over DS last time we visited. The fact that he claims not to be able to afford to come here to see DS but he shoves coke up his nose and beer down his throat every single weekend with a bunch of other junkies. How he tries to make everything my fault. I feel so much guilt because I put DS in a situation like this. I foolishly believed his lies when he said he would change for his son and made zero effort. I'm sorry i'm rambling I just don't know what to do. I'm losing it and every time i'm ok for a while, this creeps up from somewhere. I don't want to feel such ugly feelings towards him and he doesn't deserve to be in my thoughts at all. Some days, it's just hard and I feel like a sh*tty mother for having DS be stuck in the middle.

I feel like this often. It gets better, but I still have moments when I just want to kick myself for ending up here. I knew in the end, things would not be good, but I ignored my gut and went ahead.

You can't change the past, but you can control the future.

achase123

Everything everyone else already said, plus this: those who anger us, control us.

He is an addict, expect nothing from him.  Believe nothing that he says.  IMO his contact with DS should be the bare minimum anyways.  He's not a parent, you are.  Do not worry about him choosing GF over DS, be grateful.  DS is a beautiful little guy that doesn't need to be around that poison.  I would not take one.single.call from him.  He's not worth it and it will only make  you crazy.  Addicts live in their own crazy effed up world, and if you aren't careful he'll drag you into it, whether you intend for him to or not.

hollinor

achase123:

Everything everyone else already said, plus this: those who anger us, control us.

He is an addict, expect nothing from him.  Believe nothing that he says.  IMO his contact with DS should be the bare minimum anyways.  He's not a parent, you are.  Do not worry about him choosing GF over DS, be grateful.  DS is a beautiful little guy that doesn't need to be around that poison.  I would not take one.single.call from him.  He's not worth it and it will only make  you crazy.  Addicts live in their own crazy effed up world, and if you aren't careful he'll drag you into it, whether you intend for him to or not.

Yeah, what she said!  And don't bother trying to rationalize his words or actions because you can't rationalie "crazy".  They have their moments of clarity, which will be quickly followed up with delusional behavior.  Believe me, when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, he will no longer even be a blip on your radar.  I don't wish ill on my ex-husband, but I can truly say I REALLY don't care what (or who) is going on in his life.