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Adoption
Biracial/AA adoption decision
This question is mostly just to sort out my thoughts, but I would LOVE to hear any input others have. DH and I at first were appalled by the thought of paying a lower fee based on race, and I still have reservations about it. However, he is biracial and as he puts it, he has "a soft spot for mixed kids." I am about as light as they come, but to be perfectly honest, if I had two identical birth mothers in my own eyes, one caucasian and one any other race or mix of them, and HAD to choose only one... I would not choose white. I would rather expand the diversity in our family. I think differences are beautiful. We don't exactly have money to throw away (who does?), and I am starting to wonder if maybe going into a lower-cost program for mixed/AA babies would be a better option. Then again, if we met a birth mom who was caucasian and we really liked her and the situation, her race would absolutely not be a reason to reject it. I hate to go into a program that completely blows off anyone who is of a certain race, but let's be honest. There's a reason that the lower-cost programs exist. White people often want white kids who look like them. I'm not saying that's wrong, I just don't fall into that category. I have told my mom so many times that my dream would be a baby who is AA with that amazing hair that I could braid. It feels weird, a strange sort of racism I didn't know I was capable of. People are equal, right?
For those who did do a separate program for AA adoption, how did you decide that it was the right place for you to be?
~Julie
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Biracial/AA adoption decision
We ended up going the foster route, but when we were exploring DA, there was no question that we would have gone with an AA program.
We were/are completely open to any race, which means all programs would suit us equally in that regard. So then you look to the next criteria for narrowing the options: cost, wait time, ect. Every time that evaluation would point us to an AA program.
And then there is the need factor. not that we would have gone into DA for anything other than the "selfish" reason of wanting to be parents, but it is true that there is more of a need for adoptive parents who are open to an AA child. It breaks my heart to hear about moms interested in adoption being turned away by agencies who simply dont have the APs to fill the need.
Color blindness is not helpful to society and can be its own form of racism. Its okay to acknowlege that there are difference races. Its okay to acknowledge that you have racial preferences when it comes to adoption.
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
My thoughts (abbreviated version)--- there are lots of problems with adoption world. While solving problems and pursuing adoption may not be mutually exclusive, getting caught up in the problems and/or issues may not serve your end goal of adopting a child.
I do believe that there are many problems with adoption. I am here and ready to support reform. But I also think you need to find balance with supporting reform and being productive in your own adoption journey as long as you are not doing something that is ethically questionable.
My hang up-- originally--- was that the agency/law office we signed with offered a great marketing approach to find birth moms. I thought that sounded awful It made it sound like an industry luring in birth moms Well, guess what... it is an industry based on the position of pregnant women, and we did sign with this large office because I thought we'd have the best representation. (In the end it didn't serve us well but it had nothing to do with the marketing approach.) I did have to sit with my feelings and decide where I could draw my line before signing with the center....
So, getting back to you.... does it feel wrong to "pay less" for Bi Racial adoptions? Yes... but are there immediate ethical compromises? I am not sure if there are any worth considering. You will probably make an amazing family and if it costs you less to get there, that's just the current state of adoption (not to say you shouldn't take up a cause once you are in a place to concentrate on it).
Wow... I've rambled on... I hope I've made a little sense
When we signed up, we were open to CC and bi-racial (we are a CC couple). We used a facilitator who presented us with an agency that had an immediate need (baby already born), so we didn't have to decide. However, if we had applied through agencies, we would have selected multiple options (e.g. we wouldn't just apply to one program).
All that said, my son is biracial. He has much lighter skin than I anticipated and his hair doesn't have the texture of AA hair (although it is quite curly and kinky when wet). I actually think it's funny how much he and I look alike (I'm CC but have fairly dark olive skin and dark features).
FWIW, the agency we used charged the same $ for all ethnicities.
In your situation, I don't see it as any different than a CC couple who wants to adopt a CC baby. Your husband is bi-racial, you are CC. If you had a biological baby, s/he would be bi-racial. I'm not saying it's wrong, just another way of looking at it.
Like you I was also originally appalled by the idea. however we didn't care one bit (and maybe a tiny bit preferred an AA child, also love diversity) what the race of our child was and just didn't see the need to spend any more on an adoption than necessary. So we entered the AA program. Our SW told us once that we would have probably been matched much quicker in the traditional program bc we were exactly what most of her white moms were looking for. We actually had a harder time in the AA program bc we simply are not what most AA moms are looking for. (white with white bio child).
after a year of waiting and 4 failed matches we talked about spending the extra money and just being put in both programs, but when it came down to it, we didn't feel that was right for us.
Turns out our daughter didn't come from either program lol, we met her mom totally outside and kind of through a fluke.
It sounds to me like the AA program is perfect for you guys. And while it's hard to feel like you're discriminating a race (white), you really are just recognizing that you would love a diverse family and why shouldn't you be in that program?
When we signed up with agencies we chose CC or CC/Hispanic or Hispanic. When we got the call about Ben (who was already born), they told us that there was a possibility that he was biracial. We looked at his pictures and thought how stupid we were for caring about the ethnicity of the child we would adopt. We just wanted to be parents.
There are TONS of potential adoptive parents looking for the perfect Caucasian child. H and I aren't interested in competing with all of those people since race isn't an issue for us or our families. And since my cousins are biracial and married to black spouses with black children, we thought it would be easier for us to have a black or biracial child since they wouldn't be the only brown face in our family.
Since race wasn't an issue for us, we decided to go only with the AA/BR program at our agency.
I guess I don't really see this as racism so much as trait-ism if you have a biracial DH and would love to see some of his traits in a baby you adopt. I know that when I always dreamed of a little red-headed toddler since my DH has red-hair.
No advice on where to be - I'm more of a lurker, who is thinking and learning about adoption.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
Hi, delurking. My Dh and I hope to adopt down the road, and we are going to go with a program that specializes in AA or biracial children. This is an obvious choice for us because DH is white, I'm black, and our bio children (a son and soon to be baby) are biracial, so it just makes sense for our family. On top of that, though, we KNOW there is no shortage of families willing to adopt caucasian children, and that there is a need for families willing to adopt AA or biracial. As much as people say you shouldn't adopt to "rescue" a child, we just really feel for birth parents who want to place their children and can't find anyone to adopt them. We considered adoption when I was pregnant with my son (our situation was TERRIBLE at the time), and it would have killed me if we'd decided to pursue that route only to discover that no one wanted him just because of the colour of his skin. I completely understand why APs want a child who looks like them, but I feel like if there ARE APs out there who don't care about race, then it would be wonderful for them to go into the AA/biracial program.
Okay, back to lurking. Carry on
ETA: Just another spin on the "paying less" issue. I have no idea the reasoning behind this and what I'm saying could have no truth to it whatsoever, but statistically speaking I know that AA families don't make as much money as Caucasian families. Perhaps having a lower rate for children who are AA or biracial is a way of making it more manageable for AA/biracial parents to adopt children of their own race. There are, frankly, quite a lot more Caucasian adoptive parents than there are African American ones. Maybe the lower rates make adoption more affordable for minorties who typically make less.