What was your breaking point? Intro and LONG

Musicmama135

Hi ladies. I have been on TB for quite awhile, and I am posting under an AE. I'm not quite comfortable with everyone I know on TB knowing all this about me. 

I am considering filing for separation with my H. We have been married for almost a year, and we have an almost 18 month old together. I am terrified that if I do this, I will be making a mistake. I don't want to regret this for the rest of my life. I have been lurking on this board for several months now, and someone made the comment that when you leave, you know it's right. That's my problem, I'm just not sure if it's right.

Here's some backstory. We started dating in 2008. When we started dating, H was a pothead. I told him if he ever wanted a relationship, he needed to stop. He agreed.  We got engaged in April of 2009, and got pg in May. It was not a planned pregnancy. It was a rough pregnancy for our relationship, and we decided to postpone the wedding.  Once the baby came, things were really great for awhile. We got married when DC was 6 months old.

Around January this year, H and I were having tons of problems. He told me that he had never stopped smoking pot. He said he had never done it at home, or around the baby, but he still did it when he was out with friends. I flipped out, and told him that we needed to get into marriage counseling, and he needed to get help for his addiction, or I was leaving. He once again agreed. We got into counseling. He decided that he would quit on his own, and I didn't want to push him. A few months later, I found a bottle of Visine in his pants when I was doing laundry. He had not quit. I told him that I was really done, and I moved with the baby to my parents for a few weeks. He was so remorseful, and so heartbroken about not seeing us that he quit cold turkey. So now the drugs are no longer an issue. 

Even though DC was not planned, we always knew we wanted children. 3 or 4. He is now refusing to consider a second child, telling me that he never wants another kid, that it's just another obligation and 18 year commitment. I'm so done with everything. The lying, the changing his mind on huge issues, the wanting to spend more time with his friends that with his baby. He never helps around the house and I feel like I am living with a roommate, not a husband.

Just writing this out made me see that there are so many red flags. I don't know why I haven't left for good yet. I really do love him though, and he is a good dad to our child. I don't know what to do. I know I should leave, but I don't want to make a decision that I will regret later. I love him, and I'm so confused. 

I just started individual counseling, so I am hoping that helps me work through most of this. But, to get back to the point of my post, what was your breaking point? What was the  point where you decided you couldn't do it anymore? And did it feel "right" when you made that decision, or were you scared, hurt and confused? 

 

achase123

I think continue going to individual counseling.  From reading this it sounds like your relationship has always been a struggle.  Things aren't always easy but they shouldn't be THAT hard.  Things like lying and deception are very difficult to overcome.  How do you even really know he has stopped smoking pot this time, since he's said that in the past?  You have to give this a lot of thought.  Only you will know when/if the time is right to leave, or if your marriage is worth saving.

ETA: I wanted to answer your question that when I left I just "knew" that it was the thing to do.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind.  I had discovered my XH was cheating and using drugs while I was pregnant.  But I think lying is NEVER a good sign...there were many things he lied about that I didn't know about until later and there are probably still so many things I don't know about.

Musicmama135

achase123:

I think continue going to individual counseling.  From reading this it sounds like your relationship has always been a struggle.  Things aren't always easy but they shouldn't be THAT hard.  Things like lying and deception are very difficult to overcome.  How do you even really know he has stopped smoking pot this time, since he's said that in the past?  You have to give this a lot of thought.  Only you will know when/if the time is right to leave, or if your marriage is worth saving.

ETA: I wanted to answer your question that when I left I just "knew" that it was the thing to do.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind.  I had discovered my XH was cheating and using drugs while I was pregnant.  But I think lying is NEVER a good sign...there were many things he lied about that I didn't know about until later and there are probably still so many things I don't know about.

Thank you for your response. It has always been a huge struggle, but I guess I assumed that's what marriage is. I've never known anything different. I am definitely going to continue individual counseling. I hope that in there, I can come to a decision that I am comfortable in.

hollinor

achase123:

ETA: I wanted to answer your question that when I left I just "knew" that it was the thing to do.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind.  I had discovered my XH was cheating and using drugs while I was pregnant.  But I think lying is NEVER a good sign...there were many things he lied about that I didn't know about until later and there are probably still so many things I don't know about.

That sounds identical to my story, but add abuse on top of that.  One thing I know about drugs, they shouldn't quit because someone gives them an ultimatum.  It's got to be their decision on their own, otherwise they will keep going back.  And they need to deal with the root issue that caused them to use in the first place.  Drugs are only the symptom. 

And the light bulb for me came on one day.  The digust with him and dealing with his behavior for years was at the breaking point.  I couldn't even stand to have him touch me, and if he tried to kiss me, I would literally gag.  I told him to get his crap and get the heck out of my house.  I had never told him that before and he knew I was done.  I was pregnant with our second child, but I didn't care.  Any love I had for him had been stomped out completely.  I was so over it.  I haven't seen him since.

liljoshua33

Just writing this out made me see that there are so many red flags. I don't know why I haven't left for good yet. I really do love him though, and he is a good dad to our child. I don't know what to do. I know I should leave, but I don't want to make a decision that I will regret later. I love him, and I'm so confused. I just started individual counseling, so I am hoping that helps me work through most of this. But, to get back to the point of my post, what was your breaking point? What was the  point where you decided you couldn't do it anymore? And did it feel "right" when you made that decision, or were you scared, hurt and confused? --- Everything you said above is exactly how I feel but for different reasons. I am doing the same thing but seeking individual help and he has agreed to go to with me. Yet my story is a bit different. I dont think he is ready to settle down, which most men arent and that's why us women are around... I still love him and want us to be together for us and for our child. Doing it alone sounds scary and I would have to give up alot to do it. I am so confused over our situation it isnt funny. He says he loves me and wants to raise our son together but doesnt seem like he wants to do it full time right now cause he doesnt want to have to answer to someone and be able to go out whenever and for however long he wants. Then he views me asking him to come home or doing certain things as control. Our relationship has been hard the whole time like yours and its so complicated. I wish I could just click a  switch and our issues would be solved so we could move forward... ugh... theres so much I could say here and hence why I am here to find ppl like me that understand what I am going through! Stick with the counseling I am sure that will help.   

sweetie0228

My situation was completely different.  BUT I knew it was right b/c

1. I wasn't angry any more I just didn't care and I just didn't want to fight anymore for the relationship.

2. I realized I was the one hurting my kids by continuing the relationship and staying in an abusive unstable relationship. 

3.  Children have formed their lifelong idea of what a partner should be based on the role they had by the opposite sex parent.  I didn't want my children to ever think that's the relationship they deserved and if my children didn't deserve it neither do I.

 

 

Musicmama135

sweetie0228:

My situation was completely different.  BUT I knew it was right b/c

1. I wasn't angry any more I just didn't care and I just didn't want to fight anymore for the relationship.

2. I realized I was the one hurting my kids by continuing the relationship and staying in an abusive unstable relationship. 

3.  Children have formed their lifelong idea of what a partner should be based on the role they had by the opposite sex parent.  I didn't want my children to ever think that's the relationship they deserved and if my children didn't deserve it neither do I.

 

 

Thank you! The bolded part really hit me. I don't want my  kiddo to grow up and be in a relationship like the one I am in. That really gave me a whole new level to think about this on.

I really appreciate the comments that everyone has made. Thank you for sharing with me.

liljoshua33

#3 is very true and I copied it to remind me of that. Thank you.