Do I have to go? N (really) BR

RNfromMN

Okay, so DH's SIL (his brother's wife) had her 2nd baby last night.  I remember a couple years ago when she had her first, his whole family (2 parents, 5 bros and sis', their SOs and one granddaughter) FLOCKED to the hospital as soon as word got out that she had gone into labor. This morning, my BIL asked DH when he was coming up to visit.

I realize this makes me the odd man out, but I don't "get" going to visit someone after they've had a baby in the hospital.  I always think that mom must be exhausted, not to mention look and feel like crap...why would she want visitors at a time like that?  Don't get me wrong, I definitely want my mom and grandmother to come see me and the baby (if they're up for it and depending on the weather), and I know there will be no stopping my MIL, but if I had it my way, when my time comes, I'd really rather not have to deal with all my brothers and sisters in law, their children and their SOs while I'm in the hospital. 

Will it seem rude if I don't go visit this baby and his mom in the hospital tonight?  Will I feel like an arse if they to visit see me in the hospital when it's my turn?

 

ladykatie81

Wait until she's settled at home with baby first if that make you more comfortable.

I also don't get the flocks of people that come to the hospital (when I visited a friend, 2 of her hubby's little league hockey players and thier dad showed up; her hubby wasn't even there at the time. I thought that was odd).

But as I am typing this, I am starting to think of all the really important people in my hubby and my life. I wouldn't want to deny them a chance to see our little bundle. I remember going in right after they cleaned my sister and my nephew up. It was awesome!

CamJack mom

yes it will seem rude, but not for the reasons you think. Different people like different things. When I had #1, ALL of my family and friends came, I LOVED IT!!! I looked like crap, but no one cared or noticed. When I wanted to bf, most of my male family members felt uncomfortable and left, but my uncle and brother stayed, both laughing about the fact that I chose to bf (in a kind way, I am an A cup with an 8 lb baby, they assumed my kid would starve LOL). Their jokes lightened the mood and they both were astounded by the whole process.

 

With #2, no one came other than my MIL and FIL (i had moved 250 miles away from my family) as exhausted as I was, I missed having everyone there. It was such a lonely time.

If the mom wants guests, I say go, if you don't want to stay long, don't, but if you don't go, it will be viewed as you being "difficult".

mrs.tashnash

I'd probably go after they've settled in at home. If you feel worried about not going just tell her when you see her that you wanted to make sure she was settled in before you dropped by.

moosebaby2011

CamJack mom:

If the mom wants guests, I say go, if you don't want to stay long, don't, but if you don't go, it will be viewed as you being "difficult".

I agree with this part. 

SHUVUU

My friend just had her baby. Her parents in-laws, four of her siblings and their spouses, her husband's brother and his wife have all descended on her house. (Her family is from out of state and are staying with her) But because it's the 'thing' they do, she's too polite to turn them away.

I always send a text to the mother and say. "I'm super excited to meet your new baby but don't want to overwhelm you with a hospital visit or when you just get home. When the crowd has died down let me know so I can come over, bring dinner and hold your baby while you take a bath or nap"

I cannot tell you how grateful and relieved all these mothers have been. Many end up confessing how much they just wanted to be alone and how much my visit means to them. 

LMH1209

Assuming the BIL who's asking when your DH is coming is the BIL with a new baby, I say go. It sounds like they want visitors. I personally was happy not to have visitors in the hospital, but I'd go if someone else wanted them.

RNfromMN

SHUVUU:

I always send a text to the mother and say. "I'm super excited to meet your new baby but don't want to overwhelm you with a hospital visit or when you just get home. When the crowd has died down let me know so I can come over, bring dinner and hold your baby while you take a bath or nap"

I cannot tell you how grateful and relieved all these mothers have been. Many end up confessing how much they just wanted to be alone and how much my visit means to them. 

I L-O-V-E this idea.  Thank you!

CheezeFace

I wish you were my SIL!!

I only want a select few coming to the hospital for the exact reasons you posted.  Every family is different, though, so feel out your husband and see what he thinks. 

Did you ever ask SIL what she would prefer?  If you did, go with that. 

Maybe she would appreciate you going to her home and cooking dinner or doing laundry while she is away more than she would prefer a visit??

MesmrEwe

OH AMEN AMEN!!!  I honestly didn't want people to come to the hospital after our first because I was SO exhausted - 36 hours of L&D followed by not enough pain meds and a hip that popped out...  Yea, I was a mess...  Of course, the second DH left to go home to sleep and take a shower so I could do the same, my IL's called to see if they could stop by the hospital to see us - FROM THE LOBBY...  Then they proceeded to overstimulate DD to the point that they couldn't get her to calm down in the nursery the rest of the day so what chance I had to get sleep was non-existant after they finally left plus they didn't even bring me food and after going 50-some hours with nothing to eat then only being given a single scrambled egg, two 3" pancakes, and a single sausage that morning, yea...  nuff said...  This time around - I still DO NOT want visitors to the hospital...  Unless I get blessed with an unusually short and easy L&D I might reconsider, but after 36 hours last time, leave this bear SLEEP! 

My SIL - she wanted people to come to the hospital the second they had her stitched up (she had a c-section and was there about 5 days or so).  I was like "we'll see the baby after you get home and settled for a few days... 

I guess it's up to you to decide which way you want to go, but if anything I'd call to ask the new mom what SHE wants...  If she had an "easy" L&D then maybe she wants people around for visitors...  I'd actually ask the new mom the question and guage by her nonverbals as well what the answer is with her knowing you won't be offended AT ALL if she wants to rest for a while..

UAbride31007

If they want you to visit, you should go. I understand your wanting to give them space but it sounds like they want visitors.

sagoon

I think it's up to the new parents.  My SIL invited her family (I was her brothers GF at the time but I was included), her husbands family and some close family friends (including teenage children) to her BIRTH.  As in, we were all crammed into the room watching her push.  It was too much.  Personally, I'll probably just have immediate family visit.  I'm sort of glad I'm due in Dec because our hospital doesn't let children under 12 visit during flu season, so I'll be spared everyone wanting to take a picture of their kids holding my newborn.

beka0404

SHUVUU:

I always send a text to the mother and say. "I'm super excited to meet your new baby but don't want to overwhelm you with a hospital visit or when you just get home. When the crowd has died down let me know so I can come over, bring dinner and hold your baby while you take a bath or nap"

Also loving this idea. Especially the dinner/bath part. Brilliant!

MrsT2008

Given that it's family, it's not 100% about what YOU are comfortable doing.  If they want visitors and you don't go, I imagine it won't look that good.

One of my good friends was dying for visitors last year after she delivered her baby - after the initial few hours, she wanted to see the people close to her and for them to meet the baby.