Not feeling the "bond" — The Bump
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Not feeling the "bond"

Hey ladies,

Our twins turned 2 months old yesterday (I cannot believe it's already been that long) and I just don't feel bonded to them like I did w/ DD1.  I'm not sure if it's because I had to stop BFing early on or if it's a normal feeling because they're the 2nd/3rd children, or if it's because the whole process of waking/diapering/feeding/sleeping has been so mechanical.  I love them, I really do.  It just bums me out a bit - I feel like I don't "know" them.  I'm not depressed/anxious/exhaused or anything like that - just kind of, "blah."  I'm hoping that now that they're starting to smile and coo and become "real" people that I'll start feeling it.  

Comments/advice/commisseration would be appreciated. 

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Re: Not feeling the "bond"

  • it's normal... esp when you have such a CLOSE bond with your older child to compare to.

    I remember feeling the same way - esp with Gibby because he didn't interact much at all (Gray had much more eye contact, "talking", etc).... and I compared to how I was with DS1.... but i kept reminding myself that I didn't even feel like i truly "knew" Ds1 until he was close to 2y/o - b/c that is when they really start to communicate and become little people....  Even now- DS1 is 4y/o and I'm amazed more and more at how much more I KNOW him - because he's really becoming the little man he will be for life.... while the twins are still "babies" in my eyes b/c they still aren't super talkative, etc...  when you can compare to an older sibling and how much you "KNOW" that older child- it's hard to feel as connected to the younger one...

    and getting no sleep and being a machine for 2 months does NOT help :)

    I used to be Goldie_locks_5 but the new nest is so screwed up that I was forced to start over.
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  • Thanks, Goldie.  That's good to hear that it's normal - maybe not so much that it doesn't get easier :)  I'm trying very hard not to compare the three of them, and to make sure to focus on the uniqueness of each of the twins, but it's difficult enough to try not to compare the two of them to each other.  I
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  • MrsLntMrsLnt
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    At the risk of sounding like a terrible mother, my babies were probably 5 or 6 months old before I felt really "bonded" to them.  Before that, everything was so mechanical, I felt more indentured than anything. Now that they sit up and play and are fun, I know them better and enjoy their company rather than feel like they're just work.  

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  • I felt the same way. It will come, I promise.
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  • The first few months you're like a robot and are just trying to survive. 

    What you're feeling is totally normal

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  • image tidetravel:
    mechanical. 
    This is exactly the word I used in the beginning.  It gets better though.  About 12 weeks was when I felt like knew them as people instead of crying generic babies who constantly needed something.
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  • image MrsLnt:

    At the risk of sounding like a terrible mother, my babies were probably 5 or 6 months old before I felt really "bonded" to them.  Before that, everything was so mechanical, I felt more indentured than anything. Now that they sit up and play and are fun, I know them better and enjoy their company rather than feel like they're just work.  

    Me too. Before that, I was still wondering what the heck we'd done to our life. But, once they started babbling, rolling, giggling, etc., it clicked. And now, they are great. What you're going through is totally normal.

  • Totally normal.  I would say I have started to "click" with these two just recently ( like the last week or two)~ and they are 3 months.  Now that they are smiling and cooing it helps ( plus, the STTN thing has been huge for my mood)~ and I am starting to get a read on their personalities and likes/dislikes.  I think it's a mis-conception that it is instant.  Yes, we love them~ we prayed for them, and wanted them to be healthy...and we are relieved when they are~ but I wasn't instantaniously in love with any of my children.  It was a realationship that had to bloom and grow~ just like with anyone else.  It will happen and you will be over the moon before you know it!!
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  • image Haven1:
    image tidetravel:
    mechanical. 
    This is exactly the word I used in the beginning.  It gets better though.  About 12 weeks was when I felt like knew them as people instead of crying generic babies who constantly needed something.

    me too.

  • oh goodness... I noticed that this pregnancy was way different with regards to bonding. I think I was literally in LOVE with DD from the minute I got a BFP. With these girls I cried when I found out there were 2. Talk about guilt...

    I've finally started feeling more bonded to them in utero lately (naming them, working on their room, etc.. has helped). But I never thought about how I would feel AFTER they arrive! Now that this question and responses have been posted I am glad it's at least on my radar so I will know it' s normal if it happnes.

     

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  • I think I was able to bond right away with the twins because they needed to be under a doctor's care from the start.  I was VERY concerned and protective of them.  With my first two, it took a few weeks.  This pregnancy, the minute I was told by my doctor (weeks ago) that I may be suffering a miscarriage, I bonded at that moment.  I don't know why it takes dire circumstances to bring out my inner mother, lol!
  • So glad about this post bc im worried about the same thing.

    With my DS i was afraid to love him (awful, i know, but i had many losses and i almost lost him at birth..it took me a LONG time to get over the heartache of all that..i felt like if i loved him i would lose him). Anyways it took a good 2-3 months to snap out of that.

    Now he's almost 4 and my best friend! So i know it gets better but im dreading the newborn phase bc it is so mechanical. Im afaid im going to resent the twins bc they are going to take me away from my son. Isnt that awful? I know DS1 is going to be THRILLED with them so seeing how much he loves them will most likely help me with the process of falling in love with them. ::tear::

  • It took me a while too. I felt like in the beginning they didn't really care if it was me or someone else taking care of them. Now that they've developed and are more interactive and they know who I am there is much more of a bond there. I was just commenting today that I read around 1 year of age they start wtih separation anxiety when parents leave and I was thinking how it seems to me developing that more than them. It will happen! The beginning is just very hard - you never feel like you have enough to go around. Hang in there you will develop that bond and it will be fund to see how unique they are to each other and even their older sibling.
  • I have to say I definitely did not feel that instant falling in love with baby when DS got here and it was a growiong relationship. I was loving and protective but not bonded like you said. It took some time but everyday it would grow stronger. I look at him now and his little personality and can't believe he is the same kid that was that little baby and really wonder what was going through his head during the time he couldn't verbalize anything.

    I am really afraid of not being bonded to the girls because I know I will be tired, overwhelmed and not at all thrilled about two infants at first. I thought by 34 weeks I would be over the shock of two but I am not and I hope it doesn't carry over when they get here. Thankfully I have a long maternity leave so the more time to fall in love with them before returning to normal life!

  • I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one.  I would say around 5 months is when I really started to feel different.  I don't have an older child to compare it with though.  
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  • I felt the same way too. It was all very rote and felt like an assembly line at times. I felt like I couldn't bond with a baby because there was always something that needed my attention. I didn't even sit and just cuddle a baby because I WANTED to and not because she needed it until they were 3 weeks old. I sobbed when I realized it.

    BTW - I did BF and that didn't help the bond in the early months. I was too distracted by the logistics of latching babies, proper positions, transferring one and then the other, burping, etc. It will get better. I promise.

  • I felt like a machine for the first few months.  I still feel guilty about it sometimes.

     I remember watching them sleep in their crib when they were four weeks old and I just broke down.   They looked so perfect and beautiful and serene, and yet I didn't want to hold them (at that moment) or stay in the room with them because I was so tired of having someone on me.  It was the same routine - BF one, BF the other (before I learned to tandem feed at 6 weeks), give supplement bottle to both, burp, wake time, sleep, then they're up and we start all over again. In those early weeks I would maybe get an hour before the routine began again.  It was awful. 

    I would say it was around 5 months when I really felt close to them.  It's just so mechanical in the beginning...that was my favorite word too.

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