September 2011 Moms
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Name help please

It's tradition in DH's family for the boys to have their dad's name for the middle name.  So we've been planning on using DH's name for our son's middle name.

Meanwhile, choosing his first name has been a real battle for us.  DH is dead set on the name August and I haven't been a fan.  But after lots of talking and thinking, I've decided to go with his choice of August.  One of my problems with the name is that his name will be 100% DH - DH insisted on the first name, his name is the middle name, and the last name goes w/out saying.  So DH offered the middle name to me as a way to compromise.

This made me feel better about settling on August and I've chosen my Grandpa's name, John, as the middle name I would use.  I told DH my choice and he said ok but I can tell he's hurt that we're not using his own name for the middle name.  We're going against many generations of tradition if we use John.

So my question to y'all is - WWYD?  Would you use your Grandpa's name so there's some representation of you in the name?  Would you use DH's name to make him happy and stick with tradition?

I've already given in on the first name so I've got a strong case in using my Grandpa's name.  But it's hard to see the look of disappointment and hurt on DH's face at the thought of going against tradition.

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Re: Name help please

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    I don't know what your family plans are as far as more kids are concerned. My DS is the fourth, so I had zero say in any part of his name. It was a name I was ok with calling him, so I didn't make an issue of it, but I got to name this baby. DH liked the name I picked, so we went with it, but I found it fair that he got his family name and I got a name that I loved next time.
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    I know this isn't really your question since the first name is set, but I wouldn't have given in to the first name. Middle name, maybe. First name, absolutely not. That should be a joint decision. That being said, since you are compromising, I would pick the middle name if your DH said you could (this sounds so strange to say as this really should be a joint decision as well). I'm sorry you're in this situation. That would be very tough for me.
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    oh hell no. He doesn't get all the say on your first child's name. This is not 1764. You're carrying this child, you're pushing him out and you're dedicating time and body to raising him.

    You are way sweeter than me. We're going with a traditional middle name from my side of the family and H and I are still narrowing down our choices for first name to something we both love. Personally I would never ever name my child something I wasn't 100% in love with. I think H feels the same way.

    Tell your man that you are already really going out on a limb naming your boy August. You need to have a name in there that you love. Ask him if he'd rather have dibs on the middle name and you can sit down and hash out a first name you're both crazy for.

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    imagelmjt:
    I don't know what your family plans are as far as more kids are concerned. My DS is the fourth, so I had zero say in any part of his name. It was a name I was ok with calling him, so I didn't make an issue of it, but I got to name this baby. DH liked the name I picked, so we went with it, but I found it fair that he got his family name and I got a name that I loved next time.

    This is our first baby and we plan to have more.  DH has promised that I get full say in the name of the next baby. 

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    lily87lily87 member

    I really think you should revisit the 1st name and not because I don't like August (I prefer Augustus), but because this is your child too. You don't sound so keen on August and I really think the 1st name should be a name you both like.

    I would revisit the 1st name and use DH's name as the middle name. That way the name isn't entirely his and you keep with the tradition. Save August for a second baby if you have one. 

    But to let him pick out the entire name is too much in my opinion. It really should be a joint decision.



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    I know, I know ... the first name ...

    We could have a whole thread about DH insisting on the first name.  *sigh*  This battle has been going on for 2 months and I just can't handle the stress anymore.  Plus it's really hard when your husband, who you love so much, comes to you with tears in his eyes saying he just really has this emotional attachment to the name and feels he HAS to name him August.  And yes, he is THAT dramatic about it.

    For my own sanity, I decided to give in on the first name.  I don't hate August and I do like the nickname of Augie, so I just don't want to fight about it anymore.

    He's offered the middle name to me and I'm torn if I should take a stand and use John, even though I know it'll hurt him, or if I should further give in and use his name.

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    Your DH can't have it both ways, IMO.  Either he can compromise on the first name or the middle.  I would just tell him if he's dead set on having his name as the middle name, then you need to come up with a different first name that you BOTH love, or visa versa.
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    DH and I had a hard time picking a girl name. We vetoed each other's picks however he finally said Aurora or Alivia, which were names on my list, but that I could make the finally decision. As much as I love Aurora best, I knew DH liked Alivia best so we agreed first name Alivia. DH wanted middle name of Raine but I didn't like how it sounded so I said how about Paige since that was his top name but he didn't like it together so we compromised on Ruth with is my MN.

    The process should be a compromise both are happy with. I think it would be selfish for one parent to insist on naming the child something the other parent wasn't 100% okay compromising with. I think that if you are okay with August as a compromise than it is fair you get the MN without feeling guilty.

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    imagemrsmikey:
    Your DH can't have it both ways, IMO.  Either he can compromise on the first name or the middle.  I would just tell him if he's dead set on having his name as the middle name, then you need to come up with a different first name that you BOTH love, or visa versa.

    He's given me the middle name as the compromise.  I just personally feel bad.  I know how much it means to him to pass on the middle name tradition so I know he's making a sacrifice by giving me the middle name. 

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    I get what you're saying, but I really don't think it's fair to you at all that you feel the pressure to compromise on both names.  It's just not.  He can have one or the other.  And maybe use the other one next time (if you have a boy). 

    I also fear that when you do have another, even though he's said you can have full say in the name, he'll come to you with tears in his eyes again over some name he's set on.  KWIM? 

    What about August as a middle name?  Would that be make you both happy? 

    And what's his connection with August?  Is it after someone he knows?  I can't remember, I know you've told us. 

    I just don't think it's fair to you at all to have to settle on your first born's entire name.  Compromise is one thing, settling is another. 

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    lily87lily87 member
    imagesolsburyhill:

    I know, I know ... the first name ...

    We could have a whole thread about DH insisting on the first name.  *sigh*  This battle has been going on for 2 months and I just can't handle the stress anymore.  Plus it's really hard when your husband, who you love so much, comes to you with tears in his eyes saying he just really has this emotional attachment to the name and feels he HAS to name him August.  And yes, he is THAT dramatic about it.

    For my own sanity, I decided to give in on the first name.  I don't hate August and I do like the nickname of Augie, so I just don't want to fight about it anymore.

    He's offered the middle name to me and I'm torn if I should take a stand and use John, even though I know it'll hurt him, or if I should further give in and use his name.

    Ok, then my question is this. How much do you care about the middle name or the fact that you had no say? 

    If you don't really care then give in. I wouldn't use John if you really don't care.

    But, it sounds like you do. At least enough to post and ask. So, at that point I say use John. Because the fact of the matter is, if the middle name tradition mattered that much to him- he wouldn't HAVE to name him August to the point of tears. It sounds like that name means more to him than his own- otherwise he wouldn't be so dramatic about it.

    Save DH's mn for the next baby if it is a boy.

    For what it is worth- I really like the nn Augie. It sounds very British.



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    imagesolsburyhill:

    imagemrsmikey:
    Your DH can't have it both ways, IMO.  Either he can compromise on the first name or the middle.  I would just tell him if he's dead set on having his name as the middle name, then you need to come up with a different first name that you BOTH love, or visa versa.

    He's given me the middle name as the compromise.  I just personally feel bad.  I know how much it means to him to pass on the middle name tradition so I know he's making a sacrifice by giving me the middle name. 

    But it sounds like he's really not.  I think he's guilting you into using both his names.  If it means that much to him and it's making you feel bad, then revisit the first name. 

    You say you're ok with all this, but how many times have you posted about this?  I'm not trying to be mean, but I know you're really not happy with it and that's not right.  This is your CHILD.  Not a puppy or something.  There is some way to make you both happy and you've got to figure out what that is.

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    imagemrsmikey:

    I get what you're saying, but I really don't think it's fair to you at all that you feel the pressure to compromise on both names.  It's just not.  He can have one or the other.  And maybe use the other one next time (if you have a boy). 

    I also fear that when you do have another, even though he's said you can have full say in the name, he'll come to you with tears in his eyes again over some name he's set on.  KWIM? 

    What about August as a middle name?  Would that be make you both happy? 

    And what's his connection with August?  Is it after someone he knows?  I can't remember, I know you've told us. 

    I just don't think it's fair to you at all to have to settle on your first born's entire name.  Compromise is one thing, settling is another. 

    August is a family name for both of us so he really loves that.  And he's decided it's The Greatest Name In The World. 

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    If August is a family name for both of you, then I don't see how it's fair that he gets 2 family names in 1 child.  However, that would go for you too.  BUT, he's getting his family's last name.  So IMO, it's only fair that you get the middle name, like he said you could.  But I would really tell him to cut the crap on the guilt so you'll stop feeling so bad about it. 
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    I had little say in DS's name.  I actually suggested his 1st name when we were tossing names out there, but I wasn't in love with it.  DH latched on to it and admitted he had secretly begun referring/thinking of the baby as that name.  I knew it was important to him so I let him have it.  The middle name was given.  It is also a tradition that goes back generations in DH's family. I wasn't going to mess with it.  I have to admit I had a hard time settling on the name because I felt like I had little say in it.  However, I figured in the grand scheme of things it was a good name, and my opposition had more to do with I didn't pick it then something was wrong with the name.  It really is a non-issue now.  I love DS's name.  It suits him, and I can't picture him as something different.  Perhaps my perspective is different because I already had a say in older DD's name (that was a more mutual decision), and I knew we most like have a 3rd.  Sure enough I have had the strongest say on #3's name.  I have picked it and DH's only input has been approval.  
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    the middle name is the least important name, most people in his life will never know it. Your H gets the last name and the first name. Do not feel bad if you want some input on this child's name.
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    imagemrsmikey:
    If August is a family name for both of you, then I don't see how it's fair that he gets 2 family names in 1 child.  However, that would go for you too.  BUT, he's getting his family's last name.  So IMO, it's only fair that you get the middle name, like he said you could.  But I would really tell him to cut the crap on the guilt so you'll stop feeling so bad about it. 

    I don't even know who in my family has this name.  My Grandma told him there was an August in the family and he ran with it.  Technically it's a family name for me, but that barely matters to me because I have no idea who this ancestor is.

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    imagemrsmikey:
    imagesolsburyhill:

    imagemrsmikey:
    Your DH can't have it both ways, IMO.  Either he can compromise on the first name or the middle.  I would just tell him if he's dead set on having his name as the middle name, then you need to come up with a different first name that you BOTH love, or visa versa.

    He's given me the middle name as the compromise.  I just personally feel bad.  I know how much it means to him to pass on the middle name tradition so I know he's making a sacrifice by giving me the middle name. 

    But it sounds like he's really not.  I think he's guilting you into using both his names.  If it means that much to him and it's making you feel bad, then revisit the first name. 

    You say you're ok with all this, but how many times have you posted about this?  I'm not trying to be mean, but I know you're really not happy with it and that's not right.  This is your CHILD.  Not a puppy or something.  There is some way to make you both happy and you've got to figure out what that is.

    Sorry - I had to go into a long meeting!

    I know you aren't trying to be mean, I know you're looking out for me and trying to help me find my voice and stand up for my opinions.  I'm at a loss though, I am so sick of fighting over this subject with him, it's ruining what should be a happy time.

    I put my foot down a week ago and he said fine, he'd come up with another name.  Then on Saturday he told me he thought about it really hard and all that did was confirm that he HAS to name his son August, the name speaks to him, he gets chills thinking about it. 

    I've tried to be blunt, too bad so sad we aren't using that name.  I've tried making it about respecting me as his partner in this decision.  I've tried pulling the I'm carrying this child card.  He just won't let go of this name.  I don't know what to do anymore other than wave the white flag and move on.  I don't hate the name.  I know, that sounds awful doesn't it? 

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    I think I've responded to one of your previous posts on this, but I'll say it again.

    1. August is a nice enough name, but it's a brave name. It's a whole lot of name. It's something that you have to really love to use, because if you don't, you're just going to grow increasingly sick of it over the years. 

    2. It is utterly unreasonable for either parent to demand a single name, and then refuse to consider any other options. It doesn't matter if you sorta like it; if you don't BOTH love it, then it is not the right name for your child. Having your husband love that name to tears does not cancel out the fact that you are not in love with it. There are thousands of names out there. There is at last one that you will both love.

    3. If you think it is a fair compromise to use August and your choice of MN, then fine. But he is not allowed to make you feel guilty about it. He suggested the compromise, so clearly the family tradition isn't that important to him. 

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