How to deal with family that "helps you parent"?
babyaustin725
member
James's mom and sisters were recently up for Tillman's graduation. I almost ended up losing it and punching his sister in the mouth! She tries to parent Tillman with me right there! Oh man, it makes me so mad. She says stuff like, "Are you listening to your mom very well right
now"? "You can't have dessert, you hardly ate your lunch." "You shouldn't throw that in here." (MY HOUSE), etc. That probably doesn't sound like much, but it totally wears on me. Not to mention, I am RIGHT there, and we are pretty strict with Tillman. No one would ever accuse us of needing to correct him more.
How do you deal with this with someone you aren't especially comfortable with, but don't want to make an enemy of? My dad has done this before, and I've told him, "Dad, I've got this, really." But, I don't think I can say that to her without her being super offended and also me losing it and not keeping calm while saying it.
ETA: James wants to totally tell her off, but I don't think it's worth the drama of all that.
TTC #2 for a million years: SA normal, CD 23 bloodwork shows nothing amiss, ovulation detected. Next step: ? maybe CD3 bloodwork to check eggs? All out of pocket, so limited IF tests/treatments.
Re: How to deal with family that "helps you parent"?
In my family we parent as a village when we're together. This is something that is very natural and comfortable to us, but we also know that overall the parent is in charge. On the other hand my FIL tends more towards "parenting" the boys and will try to over rule us. I am not ok with this at all and I tell him right thenm and there that I/we are the parents and to back off.
In your case I may just wait until the next time they visit and tell her at the time it happens.
I have a similar (but opposite) problem with my IL's. The problem is that I am way more strict than they are and they constantly undermine me in front of Lucy. Drives me up the wall. So far, I generally just reiterate to them what I've already told Lucy. "No, we do not allow toys at the table" or "I've already given Lucy her dinner, she doesn't need more pears" or "I know you don't think she is tired, but I am her mother and I can see that she is."
I would start with reiterating that you are the parent and that Tillman knows what the rules are in your house. And, if he doesn't follow them, he and you know what the consequences are. After that, I agree that it is James' responsibility to handle it and tell his sister to step off.
This is how we work with two of my brothers/SILs, but that is because we sat down and agreed to how we felt about communal parenting. There are a few situations where we've all decided that the parents only should step in and we aunts/uncles should stay out of it. If in doubt, we defer to the parent.
I wonder if it might help for you to sit down with her and say, "I don't know if I feel totally comfortable with you disciplining T, because...(choose one)
- I want him to see you as his loving, fun aunt."
- I would hate for him to get any mixed messages, since our house rules are slightly different than yours."
- I don't feel comfortable disciplining your children."
etc. but I also agree with PPs that since it's your SIL, then she might listen to your husband better and it's his job to deal with it. That way if she doesn't like it, she can decide that he's the weird one, and you don't have to be the bad in-law.
This
I sometimes WISH my family were like that - it's equally annoying when they undermine our parenting. We're VERY strict and they constantly go around our rules to be "fun."
PP have had some good advice - nip it in the bud and find the compromise?
See this is such a hard topic for me to form an opinion on. I think my kid is well behaved for 3 1/2 years old and I think that we do a pretty good job of setting boundaries but we have our weaknesses and when someone else (MIL, my mom, my sister) points out that he doesn't eat well, or that he's acting jealous, or tells him to do something while I"m standing right there, it makes me crazy. BUT when I see my nephew dumping the parm cheese and eating it straight, or sneaking cookies or throwing toys or running out of the house with out telling anyone where he's going, I want to step in. I know he's doing it becuase he's trying to get attention and this is not his typical behavior. If my sister doesn't see him I feel like I'm being a tattle tale telling her that her son is being a "terror" and I don't want to offend her by parenting her children. So instead everyone in family talks about what a terror he is and no one does anything about it. Which is better?
I actualy would suggest that you or James not have the conversation in front of T. I grew up with an aunt like that and I pretty much hated her. My parents would tell me that no matter what I had to respect my elders and even if they didn't agree with her sometimes, it wasn't my job to question her authority. I think if I would have seen them tell her to bugger off I would have had less respect for her or for authority, other than my parents, in general.
I'd do this! For us, N has to listen to his Aunt and Grandparents and do what he's told. But they don't undermine us and it's usually only when we're not there or not noticing that he's ,say, jugglig steak knives. If my sister tells him to stop and he doesn't, he' s in trouble for juggling steak knives AND for not listening to his Aunt.