Northern California Babies
Dragonfly_Bride
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Ask Me Anything About...Adoption
Dragonfly_Bride
member
I always thought these were neat - where we answer questions about a topic that we might have a lot of knowledge on...
Feel free to start your own Ask Me Anything about one of your specialties, too.
-Ask me anything you've always wanted to know about adoption & I'll give the best answers I can, and maybe some of our other adoptive moms or hopeful adoptive moms will chime in with their knowledge, too.
-Feel free to ask me anything about my journey specifically, too. I'll answer anything, including about cost, waiting, preferences...
If you don't hear from me right away, I'm commuting home and will answer when I get back in 
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Re: Ask Me Anything About...Adoption
Some friends of mine got denied by a birth mother when she found out they were Jewish. Do you feel like religion is playing a part in your journey at all (from beginning to end) ? I have no idea what faith, if any, you have, but I'm curious.
I love this post.
DH and I have discussed adoption, but always come back to the expense and "know" we can't afford it. But, really, we don't have a real idea of what it costs. So I would love to hear about that.
What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started this journey?
What is the best advice you'd give to someone considering domestic adoption?
Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your journey with all of us.
Love that you're willing to share your knowledge and experience. I hope to foster adopt when our boys are older, but still need to get DH on board with that as well as do more research.
-Do you know anything about the foster adopt process?
-Why US adoption vs. international adoption? What are pros/cons each?
I am going to butt in on this one
DH and I have discussed adoption, but always come back to the expense and "know" we can't afford it. But, really, we don't have a real idea of what it costs. So I would love to hear about that.
JLK cost us about between 25-27 thousand (can you believe I cant remember) There is a tax credit...I can never remember how much it is from year to year but lets say around 11 thousand so that greatly lessens the overall costs. But we also took the more expensive route of facilitator because we wanted a baby ASAP. And we ended up with one of the most "desirable" babies....white...female etc..So that does up the cost
We want to adopt again and I am leaning heavily towards doing fost-adopt...but only being open to surrendered babies or ones that reunification isnt the goal. Because I dont know that I could deal with the possibilty...and my kids sure couldnt. Also we are open to anything except a few mental disorders..so that can lessen the costs
What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started this journey?
Hmmm not sure...I guess only in my heart the way I do now that it will all be worth it...But I dont think thats possible to really know..And I guess to enjoy my time before becoming a mom since I will forever get to be a mom after adopting
What is the best advice you'd give to someone considering domestic adoption?
Reach out to others...but dont take their experience on as your own. Follow you heart and your gut and jump in with both feet. More than likely you will get knocked down more than once. But the one time yuo dont will be the only time that matters....
Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your journey with all of us.
br
Do you know anything about the foster adopt process?
I have started to do a lot of research. Told Tony last night that I have narrowd down to 2 the agencies we will use....And my mom is a casa (kinda like a advocate for foster kids)
-Why US adoption vs. international adoption? What are pros/cons each?
Interested to hear what you say on this one!!!
So my strongest knowledge for international is Russia and Ukraine (bro and sis adopted from Russia and worked for a program that did from both countires)
domestic...pro. Babies, know birthparents, usually less expensive, get picked
negative..feels more unknown you have to wait to get picked, open isnt always easy, fall thbroughs and scams
intern: post. timeframe out of anybodies control, getting a child out of a bad situation, yuo know you will get a child...
negative: more expensive, dont know history of child, travel.
br
For domestic adoption, costs can really vary. For us, we are paying about $12k to our agency (ETA: I spaced out on two other big fees once we're matched & when the baby is born- an additional $5k), and have a budget of a couple thousand for expenses, and a little bit for legal fees (those are all variable). But... there's an adoption tax credit refund of 13k right now, so when all is said and done, it won't have cost us too much at all. The other costs that could come up is if we are matched with an expectant mom out of state. Then there are additional agency fees (I've seen anywhere between 2k-8k) as well as travel expenses. We've also had to pay for our paper profile (the "Dear Birthmother letter" is what it is often called) to be designed & printed, our website to be designed and hosted, and for fingerprinting and physicals, but all of this is so spread out that it barely even registers.
I can't say if international adoptions are easier. There are definite pluses - for most programs everything runs in a very organized, expected manner (you pick a country, pick an agency, follow all the procedures to get your homestudy done, then are submitted in the order that you apply, get a referral (a "match"), get a travel date and next thing you know you're a mom! But... programs change and close all the time. The children aren't newborns, and to some that's a deal breaker. The adoptions are "closed" for the most part (there are a few countries where you do have the possibility of meting birthfamilies). The timelines aren't set in stone, and wait times can be outrageous. There have been a lot of programs closed because of fraud, and sometimes there are cases of unwittingly being involved in child-trafficking. It's hard to always know who the "good guys" are and who the bad guys are. With enough research, I think one could navigate through the good and bad and really see that international adoption is right for them. For us, right now, it's not, but I wouldn't say never.
As for the cost of international vs domestic - it totally depends on so many factors. . With international you need to get the agency fees, your homestudy fees, fingerprinting, documents notarized, there are Fed Ex charges, travel expenses... it can really add up, but so can a domestic adoption.
Well, I've really noticed that there is a very heavy Christian element to adoption. For us, the only way I've seen religion really come into play was when we were looking at agencies and other adoption professionals. There were ones that really had very, very religious overtones and not only made us uncomfortable, we wouldn't be allowed to adopt through them because we don't practice their (or any) religion.
My husband has a Muslim name, and was born in a Muslim country, but doesn't practice Islam. I grew up in a non-denominational, bordering on no religion household, and I don't consider myself to be Christian, although culturally I am.
On our profile we put "spiritual" and "no religion" as our religions, and I think that we might not be getting as much traffic as folks who put "Christian" as their religion (even if their ties to Christianity are a tenuous as mine).
I'm so sorry for your friends, but in some ways I really understand the birthmom's view. If I was placing a child for adoption, I would have a ton of requirements, and a lot of them would mirror my own upbringing. I know it sounds like discrimination, but it's sort of like getting into a marriage or relationship with someone. Sometimes two people of different faiths just aren't compatible. However, if it was important to me, I think that would be one of the first things I tried to learn about the prospective adoptive parents, before going any further into the match.
I love that part of the world! International adoption can be a really fantastic thing, even though it's not what we chose. Here's a general overview of several different county programs: https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/countries.php and this website has more specific information: https://www.rainbowkids.com/Countries/
Of course timelines, regulations, & restrictions change, so the advice I've heard is to pick an agency which has multiple country programs that you could switch into if the one you were hoping for abruptly shuts down.
If you feel passionately - then don't be afraid to research! A little research never hurt anyone, right
Just don't look at waiting children photolistings - because you might go crazy with the what-ifs 
My top lessons thus far:
-If something doesn't feel right, listen to that feeling.
-Get on the same page with your spouse way before going forward with the process.
Those aren't really poetic, but they've saved our sanity and our relationship more than once.
I totally agree and that's what blew about it. They were upfront from the beginning (i.e., in their profile) that they were Jewish and that the child would be raised Jewish. So after they had been matched and talking with the birthmom, it was seriously like a "Merry Christmas" (from the birthmom) and a "...Happy Holidays" back from them. Next day, call from the facilitator that the birthmom had "just noticed" and decided. No hard feelings to the birth mother, but really? It took until you realized that the child wouldn't celebrate Christmas?
M- Thanks for sharing your journey and what a great topic to bring up! Thanks to you and L for answering questions tonight!
I totally agree and that's what blew about it. They were upfront from the beginning (i.e., in their profile) that they were Jewish and that the child would be raised Jewish. So after they had been matched and talking with the birthmom, it was seriously like a "Merry Christmas" (from the birthmom) and a "...Happy Holidays" back from them. Next day, call from the facilitator that the birthmom had "just noticed" and decided. No hard feelings to the birth mother, but really? It took until you realized that the child wouldn't celebrate Christmas?
M- Thanks for sharing your journey and what a great topic to bring up! Thanks to you and L for answering questions tonight!
All I can tell you is what we've paid, and what we expect to pay. Our agency fee is about 11k to begin with. We paid it in 6 monthly installments. This fee included our homestudy (interviews with us individually and as a couple, plus a visit to our home (super easy - just made sure our water heater wasn't set too high, that our alcohol and meds were locked up, and that it was a generally safe place), it includes being included on the agency websites, and having our letter sent via Fed Ex to any possible birthmom who matched with our criteria (and us with hers), our agency offers lifetime counseling to both adoptive parents and birthparent clients, uh, etc.
The next fee we would need to pay is the match fee when we are officially matched with a birthmom. That fee is $2500, and there is another fee when the baby is born, which is also $2500.00. If the match falls through, we don't pay that fee again.
After that, all fees are sort of ambiguous depending on the situation. Our agency says their average client pays about a additional $4,250 for a CA adoption, and about $11,900 for an out of state adoption. This amount includes networking (like creating a website and profile, travel expenses, attorney fees, and birthparent expenses, etc.) It's so hard to say, but we are planning on $20-25k, but there is an adoption tax credit refund of $13k right now! Plus, all the expenses are spread out pretty far apart, so it never gets too overwhelming. All agencies I dealt with sent their prices to us without any difficulty, so feel free to ask - just e-mail them & you usually get info back right away.
This is a hard one to admit, but I think I had a preconceived vision of what my baby would look like - and it looked like me. Which is ridiculous, because even a biological child of mine would most likely not have my skin tone, eye color, blondish hair... So at the beginning of our adoption we decided on an agency that had birthparents from many different ethnic backgrounds, but the majority are white (55%, I think). Although I love my agency, I do wish we had decided to go with an agency that had a greater need for parents who would adopt children of color, because I think our wait would have been shorter, and it's now how I envision our family now.
Hmm, I think Libby said it best - Follow you heart and your gut and jump in with both feet. More than likely you will get knocked down more than once. But the one time you dont will be the only time that matters....
I couldn't have said it better
Thanks for letting me spout off in a safe environment
. L, I really hope you'll consider taking a leap & look a little bit more into adoption - I really think it's a very amazing, and possible way to expand your family. Email me anytime: dragonflybride at gmail
I'll answer your questions tomorrow - I'm being forced to go to bed
Thinking sh%t loads of good thoughts!
br