Blended family vacation
bebe11
member
We got back yesterday from a mini vacation with my H and 2 of the kids (my DD9 and SS13). This is the last one I'll ever do! The kids were fine most of the time, we stayed busy swimming, movies..etc. On the last day, I was in the bathroom getting ready and my H was in the shower. I hear my DD and SS talking, and then my DD started singing some song, that apparently annoyed my SS, so he chucked a freaking shoe at her and hit her in the face with it. She is bawling crying, I told H to deal with it. All he did was tell SS to say sorry. I know I am far more strict, but I would of gave that little sh!t a lecture on how to treat girls, and that we do not deal with things with acts of violence. I think SS was afraid I was going to say something, because he sees that I am super strick with my DD. My DD was then mad because SS never gets in trouble.
I had to go back to work today, and my H is still on vacation for the rest of the week. He offered to keep my DD home with him today, and I told him NO, that I do not want her around SS right now, as I do not like the way he treats her. So I took her to the babysitters house.
Am I wrong that a 13 year old boy should no better than to throw a shoe at another kid? Am I over reacting on how my H dealt with this? How would you or your H react? I know siblings fight, but I am not in a position to discipline both kids equally.
Re: Blended family vacation
well i think it depends on how hard he really threw the shoe and if her crying was an exaggeration or not. but i can see my husband and i having the same argument. Over the years i've learned that my husband has let his kids get away with a ton of stuff only because if he doesn't, they will push to stay at their mom's and have no communication with him. Mom lets them get away with a lot, mostly because they're rarely supervised. In the begining I pushed hubby to just do the right thing and not let them get away with stuff. but the end result was them hating us and staying at their mom's more. I felt horrible he was losing his kids. they'd even run away when we made them stay. thankfully we found a middle ground eventually. hubby and I lightened up and let them get away with some things and just really have to chose our battles. things are much better and they are back with us
for your situation I would split the kids up when there's a problem, and talk to them individually. tell your DD that it was wrong what SS did and you and his father will be talking to him about it. then let hubby talk to SS and just take it from there. It's tough I know... but after years of battles in our family, we finally learned how to be at peace and hopefully your family will too.
I think this is really more about you and your DH getting on the same page about parenting styles. You two need to sit down and iron out the house rules, the consequences and what your expectations are of all the kids in the family. It's not fair to your DD to know that she's held to a higher standard than the SKs and your SS needs to have the structure in his life that teaches him that it's NOT ok to hit. DH will probably have to get tougher and you may have to compromise on some things but if it allows you all to vacation together and stop calling your SS a little sh!t then I think it's worth it.
I think the way you handled it was the best way. DH took care of the situation at the time and you didn't undermind him (even though I agree, that's pretty pathetic) in front of the kids. But you still made your feelings known. If DH can't dicipline his son, then I wouldn't leave my daughter around him either.
But it's probably time to have a conversation with DH...
GL.
Did you SAY something to your DH after the fact (obviously not infront of the kids, but within 30 min of the incident)?
Granted, my DH pulls the same stunts. But I ALWAYS talk to him about how I do not approve of his reactions or the consequences (or lack there of) he doles out. I always try to explain that he is doing EVERYONE a disservice by his BAD (and I do stress that its bad parenting given the various therapists telling us it is).
It has taken me YEARS to finally get through to him. But that is because I ALSO remind him of the last two or three similar incidents with SS and that DH's course of action IS NOT WORKING (given the fact that he is doing the exact same thing he did two days ago).
I have done a trial separation AND had to follow through with my OWN very clear consequences (I cancelled our family trip in Sept due to SS's very crappy behavior) to get DH to get with it.
Many may feel that this is passive-agressive but to me, its showing DH the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of being dismissive of his wife's feelings. Example:
SS is at a Jr ROTC leadership camp. The paperwork came while I was out of town. FF to 6 weeks out of Camp and I ask the very innocent question of "Are you taking a bus to camp or are we driving you?". Byt the end of the hissy fit, I told both of them that I was done with anything to do with this camp and not to come to me, either for help OR to kvetch when things dont go right.
Sure 'nuff, the afternoon before he was to leave, he comes looking for cash to buy the REQUIRED carp for his course (you know, stuff for the classes, specific types of clothes, alarm clock, etc). His father was out of the house at the time. I looked him straight in the eye, reminded him that I was not lifting a finger (it took EVERY BIT OF CONTROL TO NOT SAY "TOLD YOU SO") for this course and that since HE was the one to not follow through (DH DID tell SS to get the paperwork because he KNEW that there were required items...but SS did not follow through and DH did not run roughshod - which is what I would have done had I cared too) he would have to pay for this out of pocket.
SS, for a change, did not argue. Smart boy.
DH on the other hand ALMOST went there with me...unitl he saw the glint in my eye. And I think (pray) that he learned something here. If he is not going to PARENT then he damn well best not expect me to pick up the slack anymore.
And I WONT. Not because I am being mean or picking on SS. But he only has 2 more years before he is 18. Being nice and fogiving and overly helpful (read enabling) is not going to prepare him for the real world. If his father wont be the hard ass, then I will.
Just like I am already doing with my DD. She is learning about cleaning up after herself (at the ripe old age of 2.5) and that there are natural consequences to her actions.
If you cannot get him to see the REASON of it, you can give him some natural consequences to his actions.
Siblings DO fight. And they do things like sing really freaking annoying songs, to provoke a reaction out of each other.
Is SS frequently violent with her (although I don't neccesarily consider throwing a shoe violent, too many scenarios there)? Does he frequently threaten her? Is there more to it, than this incident (that sounds to me like it is being blown out of proportion)?
I agree with mary on this one - siblings do fight. If this has been the only time that this happened then I would leave it alone. Your DH did handle it - you asked him to and he did it - HIS way. Maybe not the way you would have handled it. If you have different parenting styles this will happen often.
I have 4 year old twins - and my DS has this thing now where he will hit DD for NO reason. DH and I both have handled this in different ways. That being said - SS is 17 years old and 5' 9" now, and I have seen him "play aggressively" with the twins. When he starts to get too much they cry and complain.
When we call him on it he tries to play it off like "oh come on I'm just playing with them". This one is a no no because of the drastic age difference.
4 years age difference isn't so much - certainly watch for other things but I would let this one go.
We've had similar issues where I don't agree with how lax DH can be, but I think it's important to give one "punishment" and stick with it.
At the same time, siblings fight, and throw things, and hit. Boys, girls, whatever.. That's what happens. I think demanding he treat her like a girl at school rather than his sibling would be worse than letting him "get away" with it, so to speak.
I don't like it overall either, but in the grand scheme of things, I'd rather know my DD and SS see other as siblings and not people they have to put on their perfect manners for.
He has hurt her on other occasions, and it is usually when I am not in the same room as them. My DD talks a lot... and one other thing that gets under my skin is when SS ALWAS tells her "shhhhhh", in a rude way. I let that slide, but I won't let him physically hurt her, even if it is with throwing a shoe at her or anything else. I think it I (or anyone) just lets something small like this slide, it sends the wrong message, that it is ok to do, and it's not ok with me.
I did talk to my DH about it. He kind of blew it off though. After that is when I told him that I didn't want Taylor to be alone with SS, so I took her to the babysitters.
I think that having your SS take responsibility is great. I really wish I was more aggressive in having my own DS do more on his own, rather than helping him with so much. In my situation with my son, I over compensated because I had crappy parents who didn't do anything for me. But that said, my son is lazy, but never violent or mean towards me or my DD.
He has hurt her on other occasions, and it is usually when I am not in the same room as them. My DD talks a lot... and one other thing that gets under my skin is when SS ALWAS tells her "shhhhhh", in a rude way. I let that slide, but I won't let him physically hurt her, even if it is with throwing a shoe at her or anything else. I think it I (or anyone) just lets something small like this slide, it sends the wrong message, that it is ok to do, and it's not ok with me.
You didn't say this before. You need to sit down with your DH to ask him what kind of message is he sending out to both kids. Will he allow other people (especially boys) to hit her? Will DH allow his son to get away with things such as this just because he has divorced/single father guilt?
I agree with you not letting them be alone together - if your DH isn't going to protect her.
I doesn't happen often, but there have been a few times that he gets too rough with her, and she ends up crying because she got hurt. Between my H and his 3 younger brothers, there are a total of 11 kids, SS is sweet as pie with every other kid in the family. My gut is (and has been since day 1) telling me that a lot of his behavior with my DD might be out of jealousy, because my DD is at our home a lot more than SS, therefore spends more time with his Dad. There is NOTHING I can do about this, my DD lives with me 70% of the time, and SS is with us roughly 20%.
I just plan to keep a keen eye on how the kids interact and I'll be the one to say something next time he is rough with DD.
So I should run and get a divorce because we don't share the same parenting style? It would be different if we had a bio kid together, but that hardly seems like a valid reason to not love someone anymore. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high.
what was your daughters consequence for intentionally provoking her sbrother??
While I don't condone violence of any kind, you mention several times that she annoyes him on purpouse... What is being done about that?? To me this situation sounds like a typical brother/sister spat. They are both guilty to some extent. Your daughter wanted a reaction and she got one, she also knows how to yell the loudest so you see her as the totally wronged party. you Sson made a poor reaction to beinging pestered by a little sister. He's at an age where he's still trying to figure out how to act when in these situations. Rather than be pissed that he made the wrong choice use this as a learning experience- talk with him about what he SHOULD do when annoyed (by his sister or someone else).
I think its sad that you'll never take a family vacation again because of this one incident (you said the rest of the trip went fairly well)... In 10 years your kids will look back at the good memories not think about that trip that brother threw the shoe.