Ladies - I need your help - VENT (LONG)

Jerzee1974

I'm sure a few of you have read an old post about my step daughter....

Background in short....we lived in Vegas while I cared for my dad prior to his death.  We were ready to move home and could not get a place without a job etc.  So my step daughter took us in with the understanding that we would do our best to get out ASAP.  SO told her latest by Sept 1 we would be gone.

Well in May she lost her daycare - something about the woman not being licensed to care for that number of kids...etc.  So in his fatherly love took her son and was babysitting non stop while she was at work.  Suddenly in very early June, after SO taking the child every day for over 3 weeks - close to a month - word of a job and home came up and SO wanted to coordinate with his daughter how much longer till she had another option for his after school day care and she BLEW UP.  Not just a little either. I mean f bombs flying etc.  She was furious and has not wanted to talk to either of us in over 20 days now. And worst of all she lost her job for either attitude or conflict.  (I even offered her help by my boss getting her a job within a week - not even working with me directly but in the same company in a different capacity where we would never end up seeing or knowing where each other are.)

We still live with her until this weekend.  SO missed 3 Dr. appts due to babysitting and we cancelled plans of attending 4 graduation ceremonies - as well not to mention the endless other things cancelled that we had planned since well before the babysitting stopped. 

Point is that she went to our family and told them that we used her, abused her home, her and her son.  That we just lived off of her for the past 6 months and did nothing for her.  Amping up her Aunts, cousins, and siblings to defend her and get so upset with us that barely anyone wants to talk to us.

Now what we have done.....we got there and she had an empty fridge, no internet, no computer, no furniture, burned out lightbulbs, no garbage cans, no shower curtain and nothing that made this place look like a home.

I gave her all my bedroom furniture,  Bought her a full bedroom curtain and bed set, bathroom set, garbage cans, a futon for her living room and a laptop.  Not to mention we went food shopping weekly for her since we got there.  Always making sure that there was food and things her son could even make himself.

So now we are left with the threat of "once you leave that's it - this relationship is over".  We have both tried to contact her through text since she comes into the house and slams her door shut locking her son in the living room constantly screaming for his mommy to let him in.

So what am I or SO supposed to do - kiss her a$$ and beg for forgiveness?  I mean are we at fault for something that neither of us see? We held up our promise we started this process before she was canned.  And in NYC a job offer must be jumped on fast not wait for the next one.  Are we to apologize?  Im just confused - any advice would be welcomed.

 

ChavayJakov

I'm so sorry about all that you've been through.  I am living with several estranged family members, including my middle daughter (an adult) over a single incident that in the essence of being used and then angered at when we no longer were useful.  It stinks, it really does.  And we are being lied about, very heavily.  I don't have a large extended family at all, but the only people who stood by us, because they knew the truth, were our other adult children - who sadly because of their support of us, have also become estranged as "judgement" for speaking out.  

Honestly, in the counseling I've received, we were told to think "strategic" rather than "fair" if we wanted to have hope of reconciliation with our daughter.  That meant that we have to swallow an awful lot, including her version of life.  We don't admit to anything that we absolutely didn't do, for anything that is perception related we can reply with "I can certainly see how that would make you feel" type responses.  I found out that my regular reply of trying to reason with her "well we did this because of that" to try to show her that things weren't unreasonable or weren't meant to come across as she took them was the wrong thing to do.  Basically defending ourself was the wrong thing to do *at that early stage* (again, this doesn't mean that we allow serious false accusations stand).  Defending/explaining just seemed to put up more barriers, because their ego and their "saving face" for the lies that they tell themselves and other people are too fragile to handle the grown-up truth.  Again, the advice we received was to think strategically rather than fair.  It doesn't feel good, and it is a long and hurtful process thus-far.  Our daughter will somewhat (recently) respond via text to her father, but they are still full of twists and minefields.  With a little one that you'd loathe to loose because of the behavior of the mother, I'd play the game as best I could before a permanent estrangement takes roots.  This doesn't mean that I would forgo the job offer, but it would maybe make me look more sharply about relationship options and interactions to see where to navigate during the process.

LauraLynneC

PP has some great advice - I can only offer that I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It sounds like she is VERY immature and this isn't a situation you're ever going to "win" - hopefully at some point you can come back and forge a relationship with her again.  Family is SO difficult to deal with, I'm sorry.

Jerzee1974

Thank you to both of you.  Your words did help.  I also relayed the message to SO and he agrees that this is not the time for this though. 

The baby is the main priority not her tantrum. So we will be moving quickly on Sat morning and hopefully they will talk in the near future since this is more of their issue not mine according to the other famly that interferred.

beekernbaby

Family drama just makes my stomach turn and I am sorry that you are going through this.  Your SD sounds very unreasonable and I don't think you and your SO could have done more to help.

Geeps

So sorry you are having to deal with this drama.  I don't have any sage words of wisdom but my hope is that once you move out and she has her space back maybe then she will become less bitter and angry. 

It sounds like you and your SO have bent over backwards to try and help her and her child. I don't see where you could have done anything else to make her happy.  She sounds like a very angry and unhappy young lady.

You need to take care of yourself and your LO.  I hope some distance and time will help the situation become less heated and a resolution can be sought that does not include the end of your relationship with her.

Good luck!

Peppernut

PPs have great advice already, I just want to add support.  It sound like she has some serious issues to work through.  *hugs*

CheezeFace

chavayjakov:

Honestly, in the counseling I've received, we were told to think "strategic" rather than "fair"

This.  This. This.  Ask yourself if you want to "win' this argument or if you want to make it better?  It doesn't sound like you are dealing with a rational, mature adult so your chances of winning are slim to none.

Also, I've used my business background to negotiate "minefields" with difficult family.

1.) Never apologize.  Never*.  Unless you have done something terribly wrong, obviously.  Even then, I really have to think about how I will phrase an apology.  I usually won't say, "I'm sorry".  It will be something like, "I feel terrible that this situation turned out this way.  How can I help you fix it?"  Sometimes that is hard for women but don't do it.  An apology can give an ungracious receipent "the power" in a situation.

*this is NOT good practice in your healthy reltaionships...

2.) Never get snarky, sarcastic or emotional.  NEVER.  Especially the emotional part.  Stay focused on the task/discussion at hand and approach it in a matter-of-fact way.

3.) If the recipeient isn't listening, won't stay focused or just wants to scream, let them.  Let them talk until they run out of words.  Don't interrupt, just listen.  Many times an overly emotional person just wants to be heard.  Even if you don't think she is making sense, let her talk/scream/etc...

4.)  Listen carefully.  The longer you listen, the more likely you are to hear the actual truth behind the situation.  If you really listen to a person, they will tell you who/what they are.

I come from a pretty tough corporate background and I employed these tactics on a near daily basis.  That was for professional survival but I have found them to be invaluable in dealing with difficult family.