Single Parents
Achase 123
I NEEDED your post on your blog today. It's uncanny how similar our situations are, I'm in the same boat with exH now wanting to re-instate visitation after being absent (his choice not to come) for 18 months...it's unnerving!
Thanks for the positive spin on it, I need to think of things more that way!
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Re: Achase 123
Ugh, I am sorry to hear that we're in similar situations, although it's nice to have someone to commiserate with.
What are you going to do? Will his visitation be supervised?
I am trying to just relax. I had a heated discussion with SD on the phone today and i got chocked up. I told him "whatever you have done to me is fine. I am fine. But you better be 150% sure that you can be a father now." I told him "you don't just waltz in and out of a child's life whenever you please. I appreciate you want to be a part of P's life now but you WON'T be in and out".
And honestly, all I can do is wait and hope that he keeps his life in order. I, unfortunately, don't have too much faith in it. He gets out of his halfway house on July 4th. he will be going to live in an apartment in the same town where he did most of his drugging. I wonder if the temptation will be too much for him. Our court date isn't until July 14th and part of me wonders if he'll even show or if he'll go off the deep end again once he resumes living in that town. I guess time will only tell.
Well, my exH wasn't and isn't (I don't think, but have heard rumors KWIM) on drugs, his "drug" is gambling and drinking so not as bad as you. He just dropped out of DS life on his own - well partially due to the fact that he had a warrant out for non payment of CS and was a little afraid to show his face around me, but still...18 months and he's all over the place literally from WA to CA to ND, now he's in Montana to stay supposedly.
I don't know what to do, I can't do anything...but it's SO hard. He wants all this visitation all the sudden, as in 5 day 4 night overnight stints 4 times a year, plus e/o holiday, split summers, every spring break, every winter break etc. it's crazytown. How can someone go from totally not giving a rats @ss to wanting so much time? And after being gone SO long, I mean, DS is only FOUR, 18 months is like half his life practically. And to go from not seeing him in that long to thinking being away with him for that long is kind of intense if you ask me.
He barely even knows the kid KWIM? Am I crazy for thinking this or doesn't some kind of re-integration seem in DS best interest rather than just sending him to someone that he doesn't know and hasn't spend any time with in 18 months? Also to note in my case, in our previous PP exH had NO overnights at all, just e/o Sat. 10-6 and e/o holiday - which he rarely used then, and faded into nothing. Anyone, anyone want to weigh in?
I don't know. It's frustrating. To think that he was gone for so long and now wants back is frustrating. I have such mixed feelings, because of course it would be great for DS to actually know who his dad is, but such fear that he will be a messy-maker (what I called him before due to his inconsistencies in coming for visitation), and now that DS is older he will be that much more influenced. Please let me be clear - it's not that I don't want him part of DS life at all, it's that he's not been reliable up to this point, and I'm afraid for DS that it's going to hurt him so bad.
Sweetie might be able to weigh in on this if she's reading it, or BGG, someone who knows law.
I would look up the abandonment laws in your state. I know for CA it's one year. So *technically* SD has gone over that. I'm only agreeing to having him come back into DS' life LITTLE by little. There's no way in helll I would agree to what he has proposed (your ex). That's nuts. No judge will agree to that either. It's been almost two years, he's a virtual stranger to him. If he truly wants to be a father he'll understand that it's baby steps.
At least with SD (hate to give him credit) but he knows that the ball is in my court so he's willing to take whatever I will give him. He said "how about three times/week for one hour at a time?" and that seemed reasonable to me. Keep in mind these are supervised visits: to be supervised by me at first (until P gets used to it) and then by a professional once he's comfortable with SD.
Thanks for weighing in. I'll probably make my question in a separate post so others don't think it's just for you
This all started because I was going for abandonment, getting the PP changed to the weekly phone calls (that I initiated) only. Because exH was gone for so long and my biggest fear was for him to come back into DS life JUST.LIKE.HE.IS, all systems blaring, not caring at ALL about how it might affect DS, only looking out for his own wants/needs in asking for time with DS. He just doesn't get it.
Anyways, I talked to him about it before I started the process (and paying for it!) and he was okay with it. Fast forward PAST the 20 day waiting period for him to respond - he didn't - then all was in order, got a court date...and then 22 hours before that date, his mom gets him attorney and they basically stop everything. I was so upset, mostly because it was all going to be done and so almost was and then poof - it's all over.
Now he comes back with the proposed PP that I outlined in my earlier response. Ugh - I'm a wreck.