September 2011 Moms

visitors/help when the baby is born...

My mom lives about 2 hours away, and recently let me know that she would like to take several days or a week off of work after the baby comes to help out and spend time with us and the baby. She said that she could come up right away or maybe a week or two after the baby is born, whichever we prefer.

Maybe 2nd time moms can give me some advice here (or FTMs can chip in with what their plans are)... I'm not sure what to tell her. I'm leaning towards having her come up a bit later so that we can settle into a rough routine of our own before introducing additional people to the mix, but I'm not sure. And for those who have had/will have parents come to help - what did they do? Did they stay with you or in a hotel?

(FWIW, I get along pretty well with my mom, and I expect that she will be very helpful and non-intrusive. I am just not so sure how to navigate the first few weeks with a newborn - with or without my mom there.)

Re: visitors/help when the baby is born...

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    My mom lives 1100 miles away so it is a little different. With DD she came a few days after she was born and was a great big help. I actually think she helped us get days/nights figured out quicker since she could keep DD awake while I took a nap. In my experience, those first couple of weeks were such a blur that I couldn't imagine having any real routine. It was also nice to have someone around in case I got overwhelmed or needed a shower.
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    my mom is about the same distance.  she's coming right away, mostly to take care of ds.  first time though she came right away and stayed in our condo while we were at the hospital.  she cleaned it from top to bottom and had food in the fridge when we got home.  it was amazing.  she left about an hour after we came home.

    then she came back about a week after that when the baby blues really set in for me and I felt overwhelmed by every little thing.  It was nice to just be able to get a nap in, do some laundry, and a nice loooooooooooooooooooong shower.  

    i'll either have her come back about a week later again or just have her take ds for a week about that time so that I can just have 1 baby instead of two.

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    My mom is great and drives me crazy at the same time.  Three weeks after DD was born, she came to stay for 2 weeks. 

    She helped with the baby, cleaned, and cooked.  It was great becase after a long night of little sleep she would keep the baby in her room from 5 AM to 9 AM so I could sleep for 4 hours.  It kept me sane for the early weeks plus my house was REALLY clean.  She scubbed the floors, windows, kitchen. 


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    I'm delivery at a free standing birth center so we'll get released about 4-6 hours after I deliver as long as everything is ok. They pretty much insist that you arrange to have someone to help you with food, cleaning, or whatever you need. All of my family is pretty far and we aren't sure how everything is going to work with their work schedules so just to ensure that we'd have someone I asked my best friend (she lived with me in high school and is more like a sister) who is also a nanny if she would be willing to come help and she offered to come for a week and basically take care of anything we need. I made it clear that she is not coming to play with the baby and get in the way (not that she won't play with the baby at all and not trying to be rude but thats what we need and if she didn't want to she was more than welcome to come as a visitor and I'd find someone else to help.) So as of now she is coming that first week with a possibility of our Mom's coming as well but not staying with us. Its more likely that family will come about a week after LO is born. 

    If you think she'll be helpful you should have her come. I know a lot of people like to have some time before having visitors but if your mom's personality is not overly intrusive I think she'd be a nice help.  

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    I'm a FTM, but something to consider is whether your DH will be taking some time off right after LO is born.  If so, you may want to spread out your help and have her come a week or 2 later.  Also, one of my biggest priorities is to make sure we have a little routine and some good alone/bonding time with the baby before we have houseguests.  Just a few things to think about!
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    My mom plans on coming down for a week or so.  Her main job will be to feed us, keep our laundry and house clean and help with baby when I am lost.  I am looking forward to having the help.  If I felt like she would be a PITA instead of a help I wouldn't let her come, but the thought of being able to not have to worry about anything other than learning how to take care of a small helpless creature sounds divine.
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    I'd say go ahead and have someone come visit and stay right away IF you are: really comfortable telling them what to do, comfortable around them while healing/BFing, and they take care of more work than they create.  

    My mom and dad came up the day we got home from the hospital.  My mom stayed 1.5 wks.  It was very helpful b/c they both cooked/prepped meals, ran errands, did laundry, etc.  And I didn't feel bad lounging around while they were in our house.  

    My FIL and his SO came the next week.  It was miserable.  DH was working and they really seemed to consider themselves houseguests rather than being there to help.  They expected me to cook for them, wanted to be entertained, etc.  I will be offering them a hotel room when they visit after this LO is born.

    My MIL came next.  She wanted to be helpful, but was very disparaging about BFing and some of the other parenting decisions we made.  Because of that I hid in our bedroom a lot (esp when I needed to BF) and wished I was back at work.  I'll also be offering her a hotel room.  

    So I guess my first LO was a learning experience in who I should have staying at the house when I have a newborn.  I certainly won't be telling anyone they can't come visit, but I won't be offering up our guest room if their presence stresses me out/creates more work for me.  Since I'll be the one who just gave birth, I think I reserve that right! 

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    My mom is coming to stay for about 6 weeks. She is going to be there to help out with the transition to two babies and provide DS with the time he needs. DH has to go back to work after 3 days. So, I'm going to need someone to drive me around and help me with every little thing. She has talked about getting a hotel for a week of the time to take DS so we can sleep.

    Last time, she came up for about 2 months. She helped me get to my last few weeks of appointments and took care of our pets while we were at the hospital. She'll do the same along with keep DS.

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    Thanks for the input everybody!

    I think right now we're leaning toward having her come up the 2nd or 3rd week. DH will be taking off 4 weeks, so I'll have him around, and I think we'll want some time to just figure things out for ourselves...

    Being a FTM, it's really hard for me to guess how I will be feeling at that point. We are using a free-standing birth center, so assuming all goes to plan, we'll return home a few hours after the baby is born. I suspect we'll have visitors, including my mom, coming and going over the first few days as it is, so I think I might appreciate her company and help a bit further down the line. I'm just feeling a bit indecisive at the moment. Luckily, she's not that far away and she can take off work on fairly short notice, so if I change my mind she can probably make it to me within a day or two.

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    This is a really great topic!

    I will have just (like within 4-6 weeks) moved to a new city where when the baby is due so I'm having my mom come for 4 weeks after LO is born. My husband is military and allowed a substantial parental leave package, but he is currently in training and would have to restart the course if he misses too much so hes going back to work directly. My mom and I get along really well though so I'm not worried at all. She has told me up front she is there to primarily help with "other household logistics" while I find my routine with the baby...then she will help me gradually add back in all the other stuff (like cooking, cleaning, spending time with DH) before she leaves so hopefully we are on some kind of loose routine by the end of the first month.  I think having my mom around is going to make me feel a lot more comfortable as a FTM in those first few weeks.

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    Didn't read other responses but it seems if your mom wants to help id have her come up sooner if you're comfortable. My family is useless and didn't help one bit and my ILs physically can not help really so this time im not taking visitors for at least two weeks after baby is born.. I need that time and want to get breast feeding down and personally I just hated everyone stealing MY baby and I was a hormonal wreck.. no thanks.
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