Blended Families
I dont get it...
I just have a question, not going in to major detail I dont understand why someone, a BM who has has a BF who actually cares about their child, did not run from their responsibility, who just wants to have a quality relationship with THEIR child, what do they get out of turning a could be simple process of custody and a fair CS amount in to a long expensive drawn out process.
Isnt it stressful? Wouldn't it make sense to spend the money on your child especially if the other person is being reasonable and not asking for the moon?
I just dont think I could ever be that person...
Could someone help shed some light because I can not make sense of it all.
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Re: I dont get it...
If we could answer that, we wouldn't all be here.
I don't get it either. I agree, I think that they make their lives way more complicated and stressful, let alone their children's lives. I don't understand why people do it myself except maybe for twisted, self centered, vindictiveness.
I'm sorry but I'm not completely sure what you're saying. It sounds like you're wondering why your BM would be dragging out the court process with your DH over CS and custody when you feel like he's a good dad and just wants a fair relationship with the kids. Is that right?
If that is what you're asking, then I guess my general answer would be this:
Worst case- it's because there is so much history and water under the bridge that it makes the adults forget that court is supposed to be about figuring out what's best for the kids and they end up focusing more on winning.
Best case- it's because there is a difference between what is fair to both parents and what is best for the child. Fair again puts the focus on the adults. It's not about things being fair, it's supposed to be about what's best for the kids.
If we could answer that, we wouldn't all be here.
I don't get it either. I agree, I think that they make their lives way more complicated and stressful, let alone their children's lives. I don't understand why people do it myself except maybe for twisted, self centered, vindictiveness.
I know right!It's like your worst break-up, except you can never walk away.
Sometimes people are hurt and they want to make the other person hurt or else pay for their pain. Sometimes it's never being able to see past their differences of opinion, because maybe if they could they'd still be together. And sometimes it's just plain spitefulness.
I don't think any one reason applies to everyone. But when we have kids I think most of us imagine being able to decide how that child is raised. And sharing that power/responsibility with someone who you couldn't necessarily get along with, has to be hard. (Speaking as a SM with my first bio-kid on the way but not here yet).
Anger, frustration, bitterness, resentment all of those things can really change a person and make them lose sight of reality. H's divorce and subsequent settlement took ten years and over 100k to settle. And it wasn't bc he was being a selfish douchface. It was bc BM was so angry and bitter that she just kept fighting.( In the very end she got less than what she was originally offered, a lot less actually and yet she doesn't see it that way at all. It's all very strange and makes no sense.) I chalk it up to the anger and vengeful feelings that clouded her judgement.
[That is encouraging. I have had mixed emotions throughout this process, in the beginning BM was "lets go to mediation" "we will work this out" "I dont want money" etc. and she played that card until she was blue in the face. I finally got sick of BM holding BCS over our heads I found a lawyer and I thought the courts would see that my H is a good man, he is fighting to see his child, he has put up with BM, he was paying her directly ...here is the proof. I was nieve and thought they will surely see through her bs. Not the case, it has been hell.... sometimes I wish I would have just let it go but I hated seeing my H so hurt not being able to have the relationship with his child he wanted.
I personally feel BM would have received more before going to trial, somedays I feel like we are ahead and we are getting more, then other days like last week I think wth did I get us into, we are getting screwed and just want to give up because nothing is going our way. I just dont understand what she is fighting for. Up until this point we have agreed to 50/50 with BM having residential and we pay CS, daycare and insurance directly and half of all clothes, activities but BM knows if she can not afford it we will pay for it.
More from this weekend.
I feel like we have been blessed, we are ttc (somedays another story... closely related) My H received a promotion, great timing trial is done NOT! So I at this point I was ready to throw some money at her to shut her up and then H calls and ask to speak to D and asks if she is going swimming she says mommy cant afford to. I am hurt for SD but I just dont get why BM has allowed this to go on if you cant afford a 10 charge for a pool. So I am thinking great timing offer her the $ and be done with it. H is not on board so we get in a little tiff about it because I am thinking it could get worse, nothing has turned out in our favor so far. So he sends a text to BM about D to come stay with us for a few days so she can get her stuff done. No response... so later that night H calls again to talk to D about a bike and BM answers first time in months so my H knew something was up so he says did you get my text and opens up communication and she says she cant afford her lawyer..... this is not the first time she has done this, she has called crying, lying etc. and my H wants to hold off for a few days and I am screaming lets give her some money help her out and settle!
Any advice? I have been stressing over this way more than H. Does anyone else feel this way? I handle everything from emails to lawyers, provide the documentation because I have the ability at my job to do so I feel like I am emotionally drained, I am not wanting her to get more money than she deserves because SD will get everything that she needs, maybe that is selfish but what is everyone elses role in these situations? ]
Oh honey, my story should NOT give you hope. At all. I mean I hate to pessimistic, but BM didn't get less bc the courts ordered it, she got less because H got her to settle on some issues (though in her mind it was her idea). But it still took ten years and over a hundred grand to get there (and those are just H's legal fees). When they first seperated H offered her $1500 a month in CS as well as their marital home. She declined, and wanted more. They went to court. He was ordered to pay a significanly lesser amount in CS, and she was ordered to sell the house and split the procceeds, after that was to be done H was ordered to start paying her alimony. She refused to sell the house. So, it took 3.5 years to come up with a plan of her liking. She got the house, H got a small percentage of it's value (tiny, tiny amount) but she waived alimony. It has been a hot freaking mess and i am thrilled it's over.
In our case, BM cannot let go of the anger, bitterness, and grudge she is holding against SO. She also does not want to lose "control" of her kids.
STBSkids are 13 and 12. They have talked to both BM and SO about wanting to be with SO more and BM refuses to allow it to happen. We live in the same school district (we actually live a block from the school) and BM claims that not having them at her house on school nights disrupts their schedule. They are not freaking babies, they can handle a few extra nights in their own beds at our house! Whenever SD13 starts talking about it, BM starts in with "but I'm you mom" "you need to be with your mom" and the guilt trips. SD has really stood her ground on this and so has SS12. Custody Modification has been filed and I am just waiting on her to explode when she gets them.