Unrealistic husband expectations...or just Baby blues
I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first child and right now and I'm just feeling so blah... one of the things weighing most heavily on my mind is that I don't feel satisfied with my relationship with my husband right now and its mainly related to his involvement/interest/excitement during pregnancy.
We probably should have talked, and now should talk about our expectations for pregnancy but we never have. I guess I feel like its the most amazing, biggest, craziest thing that's ever happened and that it should be prevalent in our conversations and every day life.
He doesn't understand what more I want and was upset that I said "we don't act like I'm even pregnant". He feels that we review the weekly growth updates and pictures, that he comments about making sure I've eaten and drunk what I should, what more do I want?
I don't know if I expected to be treated like a princess or something, or if its just others who keep saying things like that that make me upset. He pitches in, has picked up a lot of slack and sprinkles in affection toward my belly etc. but it just seems so little in comparison to what I was thinking he would be like.
I want to approach him, I just don't know what is realistic on all of this. HELP!
Re: Unrealistic husband expectations...or just Baby blues
It sounds like your hubby is a happily expectant father and he's being a helpful and supportive husband, but it doesn't quite meet your expectations because you set your bar way to high. Everyone reacts differently, some people are more romantic and sentimental than others, but I think it's unfair for you to be upset with him. You have to understand that many fathers don't bond with the child until its actually born, which is different from most mothers who feel a lot of nesting urges, baby obsessing and bonding very early on.
Try to be a little less critical and embrace the efforts that he is making. Maybe you can have constructive discussion and mention specifically what else he can do to be more involved.
I agree with the above poster- men can't read our minds evevn as much as we would like them to!
You need to tell him what you need/want from this experience. From the sounds of it, he will be more than willing to join you!
Keep in mind too that while you are concerned with growing a healthy baby, as he probably is too, he may be worried about other areas outside of your belly; money, stability, readying the house, etc. Once you start baby classes, set up the nursery, and so on he'll get more into it!
My DH is similar in the sense that he's not usually the one to initiate the baby talks, but I know it's not because he's not as excited as me. He's just not a very emotional person, but he has a heart of gold. He didn't get overly excited when we first moved in together or before our wedding either. He's the type that knows to get me flowers on important occassions but probably won't ever sweep me off my feet with rose petals leading me to some romantic surprise when I walk through the door lol. He also doesn't like to celebrate things until they are official because he gets nervous that he's going to jinx it...when we first moved in together he wouldn't even talk paint colors until the contract was signed. I bring up the baby conversation every night after work, and I ask him silly questions like "how many times do you think about our baby a day" lol. I know there are some guys out there that are so involved that they probably secretly have their own bump accounts and stalk our message board, but there are many guys who are just less in touch with that sensitive side...doesn't mean they love us or our baby any less
ExecgerI2,
I understand I felt the same way with my husband when I was pregnant with our first. But according to your post your husband is doing more then what mine did. My husband didn't seem to excited/interest/involved in my pregnancy/growing stomach like I thought he would be according to conversations we had about having children and the way he was around family member children. He did kinda listen and slightly commented when I would read the weekly growth updates. The closest I felt to him during my pregnancy was when we did the Lamaze class, I guess cause your partner's involvement in the class.
At least your husband make sure you eat and drink what you should, pitches in and shows some affection towards your belly..I didn't even get those interest or involvements. So don't feel to bad. I think our expections of others get us in trouble. I even got upset when my husband didn't show the kind of involvement I thought he would after the baby was born. So prepare yourself now don't get upset if he don't act the way you expect him to after the baby is born. And know that you are not the only women that feel this way or experienced this, we all want to be treated like a Princess when we are pregnant. Some husbands do it and some don't, I guess we got the ones that don't. But your husband do show more interest then mine did.
I don't know what to tell you to change things except talk to him about it if you can. But maybe it help you feel a little better knowing that you are not alone. If everyelse with you two are good, maybe try to look past your expections and enjoy the little things that he do and/or show. GL!!
I would have to say that on this one it might be an over-expectation. From your post it sounds like your husband is being considerate, caring, and interested. My husband has not been to an ultrasound or doctors appt with me... when I go he says, "Is he okay? Are you okay? Great!" that is about the extent of it. Unless he was overly affectionate, etc. before your pregnant, I would not expect a HUGE turn around in behaviour just because you are pregnant...
I know that my DH is excited about the little one in his own way... maybe when he can feel the baby too, etc. he will be a bit more doting, but considering what a HUGE change it is in both of your lives, it may just be one of those things where you should be thankful that he is even interested in hearing about the pregnancy, the health of the child, and of course your well being. He could be sitting in front of the boob-tube and expecting you to wait on him hand and foot.
I think the PPs have pretty much covered it. Remember, your body is being exposed to all sorts of hormones that make you feel the way you do about the pregnancy. His body is not.
FWIW, my husband is a wonderful, loving, caring, father. He doesn't ever talk to me about the pregnancy other than to ask how my appointments went. He does not touch/talk to my belly. He does not ask about my eating habits.
He does willing do things for me when I DIRECTLY ask them of him ("Can you get me a glass of water?" "Can we talk about names?"). That's about all I expect of a man during a pregnancy. Well, that and doing simple things like holding the door. :-)
Having your first baby is definitely a big, crazy, life-changing thing, but you also don't want it to consume you. Your baby will be a miracle but the rest of your life will still be there...still dinners to be made, friends to keep up with, bills to pay...I don't think its realistic to expect everything else to disappear because there is now a baby coming. And it would be bad if it did, that's when the people around you start feeling like you don't care about them anymore.
It sounds to me like your H is making an effort to be involved and interested, and that's a great sign! It's a little harder for him because he isn't faced with the constant kicking and hormones in the body like you are. I bet when your LO is here things will become a lot more real for him
I think you need to specifically think about what it is that you want from him & communicate that. I know with my husband, he's not good at reading between the lines. I need to be very specific about what I want (literally break it down for him in "I need this, this, and this done."
My husband is very excited for the baby, but in a different way than I am. I think part of it is we already have a special connection with the baby. We're carrying the baby, feeling the baby, going through body changes, and so it is on our minds 24/7. I think I am also aware that later in this pregnancy its going to be harder for me to get things done, so I am all about getting certain things (like the baby's room and other house projects) done now and my hubby is still thinking that we have 4 months.
7lbs 13oz 20 inches long
What do you want? On my end it sounds like he's being a great husband by picking up the slack, showing some affection towards your baby belly, and being interested in what you're consuming (though that bothered me when pregnant with my DD). I do think your statement was unfair and am not surprised he was upset after you said that.
What do you want him to do? Do you want him to excitedly talk with strangers while you're out that you're pregnant? Do you want him to build the baby something for the nursery? Do you want him to buy the baby clothing? Do you want him to stop drinking alcohol while you're pregnant? Do you want him researching college funds / life insurance? Do you need him to tell you that you're beautiful more often? I hope these questions don't come across as snarky, that's not my intention. Don't feel the need to respond to this post by answering these questions. They are meant for you to think about so you know exactly what you want / need from him to feel that he is involved.
I just want to thank you so much for taking the time to write me back. This is my first time ever using the message boards and the encouragement/reality check I've received has been so wonderful.
Not only was I relieved after reading all the comments, my husband sent me a totally unsolicited note to let me know he want to meet my pregnancy expectations and that he loves me.
I'm so glad I posted!
I know you're feeling really positive right now, and I don't want to be a debbie downer, but I gotta ask . . .
What more could your husband possibly do that he isn't already doing????
He sounds wonderful. He actively cares and participates in your health. He's picking up slack where you can't right now. He sounds like he's being sweet. I know you want the pregnancy to be a "prevalent" part of your every day conversations, but this is gonna be a loooooooooong pregnancy if that's all you talk about. What is there really to say, other than maybe the huge to-do list in getting prepared? Heck, I'm a huge "planner", but even my DH and I don't talk about it every day.
I guess I ask you what it is that he's not doing, because I have a feeling that your DH is going to ask the same thing.
Thanks for posting this as I am going through the same thing.
I totally understand where you are coming from when you ask "is it just being pregnant or do I have a right to feel this way." Well I think everyone has a right to their feelings and all of your concerns are valid. Sometimes being pregnant feels like there is a little devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and we can't differentiate what is hormones or hurt feelings.
My husband and I were very excited to get pregnant after 2 miscarriages, so with that, I thought this time around, he would be over the moon. But it just seems like he is tired all the time or gets short when I bring up anything baby related. Like talking about it is a chore. I have asked him to help around the house and he's yet to clean a toilet on his own accord. He sees me on my hands and knees cleaning the floor and from the couch he says "I should stop cus he'll do it later". Well it doesn't get done later. He doesn't touch my stomach as much as I thought he would want to and he rarely tells me I look beautiful. And we all know that we need to hear that now more than ever.
I've been specific with my requests and it only lasts for a few days. At this point, I am going to seek counseling referrals. My main concern is that once the baby comes, our marriage will continue to suffer but a new distraction of baby will cover up the pain and anger. It will just fester until one of us reach our breaking point.
So thanks for letting all of us share, and know you are not alone. Being pregnant is hard enough, but putting the emotional work into your relationship is another job in itself.
Hugs.