July 2011 Moms

Brother Vent (NBR) Very long sorry...

Hey everyone! Sorry to add to the raging hormones with a vent, but I am at a loss at what to do. 

Situation: DH and I live with my parents (and will until I am done with school in December and move to Washington state). My sister and brother are also living here, which of course can make things tense every once in awhile since it is getting crowded! Brother will only be here for summer since he is away at college the rest of the time. 

My brother is a brat. There is no kinder word to describe him, but plenty of worse ones. He is very selfish unless "he feels like" being nicer or doing something nice for someone. He has been this way since we were kids and has not changed too much in that sense.

So DH and I are pretty laid back and let most things slide with my brother since we just need to get through summer and it seemed like he was getting a lot better lately. However, a few events lately have led to a blow out on my part.

Oh and my brother is 19 fyi. And engaged if that matters. 

Hormones. 37 weeks pregnant here!

My grandpa just died in March and we were visiting his grave since they just delivered the gravestone there and DH and I hadn't gotten to visit yet. My brother starts making fun of my grandma for things right at her dead husband's grave. I should have taken him aside and talked to him, but oh no I let it slide like always.

A few days ago we had enough. My mom decided we would order pizza and pick it up after we took our maternity photos. I call my Brother to see what he would like us to pick up that he would eat(he is picky and does not like pizza). He just keeps saying "I don't know" and "Idk what I feel like" etc...and then hangs up on me. Whatever. Mom calls him back a little while later and asks if he wants us to pick up some chinese fried chicken and he is fine with that. We get home and start unpacking food and eating. I am also kind of picky(only eat cheese pizza...sad I know...) so instead of taking up 1/2 a pizza with only cheese when most people like a lot of toppings, I opted to get cheese bread which is basically the same thing. And then I would eat some of the Chinese food chicken for some protein and stuff. I ask my brother to pass the chicken and he pauses and gives an angry sigh. I take some and ask what his problem is, I need protein. He says "This is MY dinner". I say actually it's not just yours. I am picky too which is why I didn't order 1/2 a cheese pizza that others would have to eat and only got cheese bread instead. I don't know why you are so selfish. 

I went upstairs, not really hungry anymore, and cried. DH went back downstairs and said "I hope you're happy, you are selfish and now she is crying" And slammed his door. 

(Wow this is long. I will wrap it up, sorry!) 

I am waiting for an apology. My mom says that I shouldn't let it go too long because stupid fights are why families break up. But...all I did was stand up for myself for once instead of letting him walk all over me as usual. What would you do? No one else stands up for me around here, so isn't ok to "man-up" and show him I am not going to take his crap anymore? Sigh...you are a saint if you read all of this and understood it even since I am rambling. 

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Re: Brother Vent (NBR) Very long sorry...

  • I wouldn't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong.  That said, I wouldn't wait for an apology from him either.  Sounds like your hormones got the best of you and that's why you were so upset by him.  But he was just being a brat, which if he's usually catered to, doesn't sound like it's too unusual.

    Hopefully he'll grow out of it.  If not, at least soon you won't have to live with him.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • Maybe your mom should talk to him. My sister is *kind of* the same way. But not that bad. However, it is because mom allowed her to be that way growing up. Maybe it's time mom puts her foot down and tells him to act like a non-bratty adult as long as he is staying there.

     I also know NO ONE in my family would've stood for him making fun of my grandma at her deceased husbands grave? The problem is, he has been allowed to get away with that for so long, he thinks he's entitled. There needs to be a family meeting to take him down a few notches. 

    I would tell him "you are a mean, selfish, spoiled brat. Maybe mom and dad let you get away with it...but you WON'T be treating ME like that again."

    As long as people keep "just letting it go", he will get the message that it is OK to act like that!

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  • imageFutureMrsWittig:

    I wouldn't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong.  That said, I wouldn't wait for an apology from him either.  Sounds like your hormones got the best of you and that's why you were so upset by him.  But he was just being a brat, which if he's usually catered to, doesn't sound like it's too unusual.

    Hopefully he'll grow out of it.  If not, at least soon you won't have to live with him.

    What would you do then with the whole awkwardness factor? Most of the time we are both home all day together and avoid one another. Should I just pretend nothing happened? That is what usually happens around here...ugh.  But you are right, I won't have to live with him too much longer, which is good at our age apparently! 

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  • imagemiller4285:

    Maybe your mom should talk to him. My sister is *kind of* the same way. But not that bad. However, it is because mom allowed her to be that way growing up. Maybe it's time mom puts her foot down and tells him to act like a non-bratty adult as long as he is staying there.

     I also know NO ONE in my family would've stood for him making fun of my grandma at her deceased husbands grave? The problem is, he has been allowed to get away with that for so long, he thinks he's entitled. There needs to be a family meeting to take him down a few notches. 

    I would tell him "you are a mean, selfish, spoiled brat. Maybe mom and dad let you get away with it...but you WON'T be treating ME like that again."

    As long as people keep "just letting it go", he will get the message that it is OK to act like that!

    Yea, he definitely feels entitled to do whatever he wants. Everyone just stood there as he made fun of grandma. It was sickening. Myself included. I feel disgusted with myself as well...DH wanted to sock him in the face.

     Mom almost always sticks up for him, which is why he is like this in the first place. I have no idea why I am not selfish too since my sister is the same way. I think I will have a little talk with mom(again). Especially now that my hormones feel a little more in check today. : )

    Thank you everyone for your input and advice, I know it is a stupid (family)problem.  

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  • imageSchnooks88:
    imageFutureMrsWittig:

    I wouldn't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong.  That said, I wouldn't wait for an apology from him either.  Sounds like your hormones got the best of you and that's why you were so upset by him.  But he was just being a brat, which if he's usually catered to, doesn't sound like it's too unusual.

    Hopefully he'll grow out of it.  If not, at least soon you won't have to live with him.

    What would you do then with the whole awkwardness factor? Most of the time we are both home all day together and avoid one another. Should I just pretend nothing happened? That is what usually happens around here...ugh.  But you are right, I won't have to live with him too much longer, which is good at our age apparently! 

    I'm not a believer in pretending nothing happened.  If he says anything about it I would say "I won't be disrespected that way.  If you expect to be treated with respect, I expect to be treated that way."  But it sounds like he's pretty wrapped up in himself.  Fair to say he might not even notice that you're avoiding him?  So just try not to be too upset about it.  You weren't in the wrong.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • imageFutureMrsWittig:
    imageSchnooks88:
    imageFutureMrsWittig:

    I wouldn't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong.  That said, I wouldn't wait for an apology from him either.  Sounds like your hormones got the best of you and that's why you were so upset by him.  But he was just being a brat, which if he's usually catered to, doesn't sound like it's too unusual.

    Hopefully he'll grow out of it.  If not, at least soon you won't have to live with him.

    What would you do then with the whole awkwardness factor? Most of the time we are both home all day together and avoid one another. Should I just pretend nothing happened? That is what usually happens around here...ugh.  But you are right, I won't have to live with him too much longer, which is good at our age apparently! 

    I'm not a believer in pretending nothing happened.  If he says anything about it I would say "I won't be disrespected that way.  If you expect to be treated with respect, I expect to be treated that way."  But it sounds like he's pretty wrapped up in himself.  Fair to say he might not even notice that you're avoiding him?  So just try not to be too upset about it.  You weren't in the wrong.

    Ok, thank you. Your advice is very helpful and needed! : ) 

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  • imageSchnooks88:
    imagemiller4285:

    Maybe your mom should talk to him. My sister is *kind of* the same way. But not that bad. However, it is because mom allowed her to be that way growing up. Maybe it's time mom puts her foot down and tells him to act like a non-bratty adult as long as he is staying there.

     I also know NO ONE in my family would've stood for him making fun of my grandma at her deceased husbands grave? The problem is, he has been allowed to get away with that for so long, he thinks he's entitled. There needs to be a family meeting to take him down a few notches. 

    I would tell him "you are a mean, selfish, spoiled brat. Maybe mom and dad let you get away with it...but you WON'T be treating ME like that again."

    As long as people keep "just letting it go", he will get the message that it is OK to act like that!

    Yea, he definitely feels entitled to do whatever he wants. Everyone just stood there as he made fun of grandma. It was sickening. Myself included. I feel disgusted with myself as well...DH wanted to sock him in the face.

     Mom almost always sticks up for him, which is why he is like this in the first place. I have no idea why I am not selfish too since my sister is the same way. I think I will have a little talk with mom(again). Especially now that my hormones feel a little more in check today. : )

    Thank you everyone for your input and advice, I know it is a stupid (family)problem.  

    It's not stupid. But everyone lets it go on, it's going to hurt him in the future....possibly HIS future bride and kids.....but it most certainly WILL end up hurting the family,too. Some may say "so what, that's just how he is". But, really? That's not right. My sister has gotten better. Especially since we have become adults and I flat out called her on some of her picky crap (including food, too! lol. I stopped planning *my* functions around her food preferences. Eat the damn choices we have or bring your own! Jebus!)

    But siblings will be like night and day. Everyone asks how i am so considerate and bubbly and she is so selfish and flat. I think it really depends on where you fall in the birth order sometimes!

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  • If he is engaged I feel bad for his future wife. Honestly I think a sit down conversation is in order. No screaming, no name calling, just a chat about what is bothering you and see if anything is bothering him.
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  • imageKvitale87:
    If he is engaged I feel bad for his future wife. Honestly I think a sit down conversation is in order. No screaming, no name calling, just a chat about what is bothering you and see if anything is bothering him.

    Yes, a sit down may need to happen. Soon. He is getting married next June, but I do feel if he can't figure out how to be considerate of others he will not be married very long. 

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  • imagekarnelac:
    Just wanted to extend my condolences.  Though my story is a bit different, I understand what you're going through.  DH and I had to recently make the decision to cut off contact with my brother.  He is 23, incredibly selfish, self-destructive, lives in LA and does who knows what with days/ nights outside of work.  He went too far with his words and actions in a recent visit and has yet to apologize.  My parents ALWAYS brush off his actions and never say anything to stand up for me.  This time I did, mostly because I will soon have a daughter to think of, and I don't want her influenced by him.  It's really sad, but at some point you have to stand up for yourself, call him out, and he needs to man up and apologize.  I'm waiting for my brother to apologize, but not holding my breath.  He's unfortunately not that kind of guy.

    That is awful. Thank you for your condolences and I extend mine as well. It's hard when you just want to get along with everyone and vice versa to stand up for yourself. But I am glad I did and I am sure you are glad you did as well. People cannot treat others (especially family!) with such disrespect. I hope when your brother finds he has no one left to be a jerk to that he turns his life around (or better yet before that happens). I am going to talk to my brother (hopefully tomorrow) and hopefully he will understand that he was wrong and can't be such a selfish person. Thank you everyone for your advice and input, it really helped!  

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