Aaaaand, he won't leave it alone

amyfelice

So for anyone that doesn't know, my BIL lives with us, is in psychology school and keeps trying to analyze my daughter and her "experiences". he calls it being "curious" and not "judgmental" but it sure feels that way. And if I tell him nicely that it feels that way, he says that's "my" issue, so to speak, that I'm feeling judged but he is not judging. I believe when you question someone else's choices you are making a judgment that they need questioning. He has no kids, and it basically irks the sh!t out of me. So this last episode with the adorable little recital where E froze up and stood there the whole time he is harping on whether this was a postiive or negative experience for her (holy crap!), and now he came back with a book that he took out of the libarary for me to read or something called "smart girls, gifted women" some ancient nonsense about why smart girls don't succeed the way smart boys do, and waste their gifts, etc etc. I think we are all past the idea that staying at home and raising a family is a waste of talents. It's my dream job. 

Anyhoo, i like this person, he is my family member and I live with him, Any advice on how to nicely tell him that he is one step away from seeing a very ugly side of Amy?  

maryh01

Have you had your DH talk to him at all?  I think that would be my next step...

MrsAWZ

I agree with PP. I would have DH talk to him (unless of course DH doesn't see a problem with his interference)...but I think I would have him step up and say "Knock it off". 

amyfelice

he asked me if I knew what something meant yesterday regarding this issue and I snapped, Yes I do, I've been a pediatrician for 15 years. I don't want to be snappy though. Maybe I will ask DH to talk to him. His technique is usually to ignore it but that is easier for him somehow. 

scrapmama2201

I would have kicked him the shins after he handed me the book about smart women wasting their gifts, especially as it sounds as though it is assumed they are wasting them at home *gasp* on their children. Life lesson number one: theory is very different from reality. Hopefully he'll live long enough to learn that himself

Mrs_Shmoopie

I think it's time to show him the "very ugly side of Amy."    Seriously, though, it may be time to tell him, "I've told you in every nice way I know how.  But I seriously wonder what an actual psychologist would say about your inability to respect my boundaries, your continually forcing the issue and your insistence on forcing your "observations" on someone who just doesn't want to hear your bullshit anymore.  You may think this is "my issue" but I'm about to ISSUE an ass-whoopin' all over you.  Which will then make it YOUR ISSUE.  So, please, for the last time I am asking you in the only way you seem to be able to hear: KEEP YOUR DAMN OPINIONS TO YOURSELF!"

 I really think that the time to be nice and tiptoe around his feelings, etc is over.  He clearly doesn't care that A) you're a family member and you live with him so you shouldn't either.  Don't let your DH do it -he'll be too nice.  Hopefully if your BIL is a halfway decent person then (after some intial discomfort) he'll realize what a jerk he's being and ease off. 

amyfelice

yeah, if he brings it up again, he is going to regret it. I have told him more than once. The first was emailing me parenting articles and I asked him to stop. Then he was going on and on about her separation anxiety when starting daycare, and I told him to keep his thoughts "on the inside" which means "to yourself". Then with this nonsense I told him I thought it was just fine and he came back again with it. I seriously "wonder" about what type of therapist he is going to be if he can't read very non subtle signals and keep his unsolicited advice to himself. I have had three therapists in my life and none of them would ever do what he is doing. 

amyfelice

scrapmama2201:

I would have kicked him the shins after he handed me the book about smart women wasting their gifts, especially as it sounds as though it is assumed they are wasting them at home *gasp* on their children. Life lesson number one: theory is very different from reality. Hopefully he'll live long enough to learn that himself

Ugh it is so outdated. I don't even know what he was trying to say with that book. The only thing I found in there that may be of any use is that girls are typically treated differently than boys, so if a boy is in a difficult situation like that he would be more expected to tough it out and a girl would be more likely to not be expected to do so. or something. Whatever, a good swift kick may work wonders!  

EmmieB

tell him that 1955 wants their opinions of women back...and that you will listen to his parenting advice when he has raised more children than you. and to back off.

you have more patience than I do. He would have been *** slapped by now. Probably with that book.

amyfelice

Mrs_Shmoopie:

I think it's time to show him the "very ugly side of Amy."    Seriously, though, it may be time to tell him, "I've told you in every nice way I know how.  But I seriously wonder what an actual psychologist would say about your inability to respect my boundaries, your continually forcing the issue and your insistence on forcing your "observations" on someone who just doesn't want to hear your bullshit anymore.  You may think this is "my issue" but I'm about to ISSUE an ass-whoopin' all over you.  Which will then make it YOUR ISSUE.  So, please, for the last time I am asking you in the only way you seem to be able to hear: KEEP YOUR DAMN OPINIONS TO YOURSELF!"

 I really think that the time to be nice and tiptoe around his feelings, etc is over.  He clearly doesn't care that A) you're a family member and you live with him so you shouldn't either.  Don't let your DH do it -he'll be too nice.  Hopefully if your BIL is a halfway decent person then (after some intial discomfort) he'll realize what a jerk he's being and ease off. 

Can you come over and say that to him please? 

f&s2006

Mrs_Shmoopie:

I think it's time to show him the "very ugly side of Amy."    Seriously, though, it may be time to tell him, "I've told you in every nice way I know how.  But I seriously wonder what an actual psychologist would say about your inability to respect my boundaries, your continually forcing the issue and your insistence on forcing your "observations" on someone who just doesn't want to hear your bullshit anymore.  You may think this is "my issue" but I'm about to ISSUE an ass-whoopin' all over you.  Which will then make it YOUR ISSUE.  So, please, for the last time I am asking you in the only way you seem to be able to hear: KEEP YOUR DAMN OPINIONS TO YOURSELF!"

 I really think that the time to be nice and tiptoe around his feelings, etc is over.  He clearly doesn't care that A) you're a family member and you live with him so you shouldn't either.  Don't let your DH do it -he'll be too nice.  Hopefully if your BIL is a halfway decent person then (after some intial discomfort) he'll realize what a jerk he's being and ease off. 

 

pretty much what S said.  I think I may be like you, Amy, and be nice as possible, but have a breaking point, at which point, you do NOT want to mess with me.  ha!!!!!  

HisMrs07

I'm so sorry he won't stop amy. I've seen some of this in lurker land so I know you are beyond frustrated.

If you don't feel comfortable handing it, than your DH should take care of it. It is his brother. I would imgaine at some point they have gone at it before. He needs to be firm and let him know that you guys aren't his patients and anything he is learning, needs to stay inside his head. If he doesn't, he might not have a place to stay anymore. Not that you guys have to kick him out but it seems like some people REALLY don't get it until they are inconvienenced. You are so smart and very capable of handling your own child without his assitance.

I wish you guys good luck. I can not imgaine having to deal with someone like that on a daily basis. ((hugs))

amyfelice

I guess I have to just ignore him. DH said he could talk to him but it won't change. I guess he knows him the best. Alls I know is that if was SIL (other brother's wife), he'd be sorry he was ever born by now.