How far would you go to be a SAHM?

L L CG

DH and I were talking about, "What if's" last night after he got off the phone with his mom who lives in a Dallas suburb.  What if he got a job in... (insert long, dramatic pause...) Dallas.  I instantly made a face.  I love my in-laws, but DALLAS.  Yuck.  YU-UCK.  But, then he said, "You know, if I could make just a little more in Dallas than I do here you could stay home."  Now you're talkin'.

Its all speculation.  He doesn't have an offer and isn't looking, but he could be, and I could start the job search for him.  Hell, his mom would prob pay for a headhunter service to get us up there.  But, I couldn't do that... right?  I'm Austin.  Dallas is gross... or is it?  

**edited to correct that horrendous run-on sentence in the first paragraph.

mlf625

Dallas is 3 hours closer to Wisconsin.  So I vote to the Big D!

IDK, there are obviously a zillion factors to consider.  Which we can discuss via email.

libbyann

I would do whatever it takes to be a SAHM. And I have done that.

Thankfully, I have the most supportive husband in the world who has given up a lot for me to SAH. If we had to move to Houston and (gag me) be closer to our in-laws, I would if it meant I could continue to SAH with Will. It's super important for me to be the one who he spends the majority of his waking hours with...and honestly, my dream has put a lot of financial stress on us. We have one car, we have no cable, we don't eat out, we don't vacation, we don't have much "fun" money to spend...but all that isn't worth nearly as much to us as me being able to be a SAHM.

And I guess technically I'm not a SAHM because I run a business and work out of my home, but that work is all done during naptimes, evenings, and weekends, so I still consider myself to be a SAHM.

molliedb

well we moved to austin for me to be a SAHM.  (i'm not really, but i digress)

we lived in austin for 8 years, moved to dallas to be closer to family to have kids (both sets of gparents, and ALL of our siblings lived in dallas at the time).  we lived there for a year, got ku, and immediately tried to figure out a way to get back to austin and get dh a better paying job so i could sah.  

you and i can have a loooooong conversation about dallas if you're serious.  i've lived there three times in my life, graduated from hs there, all of our family lives there (except my sister who came to austin thankfully).

the short version is.  dallas is totally different from austin in a million ways.  there are great things about dallas to be sure. it is a fabulous city.  despite being surrounded by literally all of our friends and family, we just weren't happy there.  it wasn't right for us or the family we were trying to raise.  but i have a TON of friends there that truly love it.  

 i think you could learn to love most anything that brought your family closer to what you wanted it to be.

Duckie07

MrsRosie:

We go through this conversation every couple of months. I would live anywhere that I thought I could be happy to SAHM. In other words, yeah, I could be a SAHM if we lived in Omaha, but I probably wouldn't be happy in Omaha just because I was a SAHM.  KWIM?

Yes, I would LOVE to be a SAHM.  But, I really don't think I could move just anywhere in order to do that.  If you really hate the thought of living in Dallas, will being a SAHM erase all that for you?  If it was a place I would never want to live, I'm pretty sure I still wouldn't want to live there even if I could be a SAHM.  

erincutts

I would move anywhere to continue being a SAHM. I have done the working thing and I have done the SAHM thing and I would do anything to be able to continue staying at home. It's where my heart is and it's where I am happy. I think moving anywhere is an adjustment and I think staying at home is an adjustment so I think moving and switching to staying at home would be super hard, kwim. But, if your heart is telling you that you want to stay at home then I think it's worth it. My sister is in Arlington and they really love it. We moved here from Houston and I consider Dallas to be like Houston. There were things I really hated about Houston but we survived there for many years. Anything is doable if you are doing what you love. 

atlantic

We considered this as well - very similarly, as we own a house in Dallas and my husband would get promoted a lot quicker in Dallas.  We decided we just wouldn't be happy there.  I feel like there is never anything to do in Dallas (aside from the shopping, my god, it's wonderful)--obviously that's not true it's a big city, but somehow I always felt that way and in Austin I feel like there's a million fun things to do.  I couldn't do it, I don't think.

libbyann

MrsRosie:

libbyann:

We have one car, we have no cable, we don't eat out, we don't vacation, we don't have much "fun" money to spend...but all that isn't worth nearly as much to us as me being able to be a SAHM.

With the exception of having one car (impossible with DH's career) this is us and we both work. We got rid of cable for a while and I couldn't take it.

Sorry Rosie, I wasn't trying to say that everyone who makes the changes we have automatically gets to be a SAHM...we have a unique situation w/ my career - if we didn't have my income coming in, I absolutely wouldn't be able to SAH. But luckily I'm able to do something where I can set my own hours.

I'm really sorry if I offended you...not my intention at all!

MrsAJL

I guess I'm not sure what the question is asking.  How far would I go geographically to be a SAHM or what am I willing to sacrifice to be a SAHM?

I'm an accidental SAHM. I was increasingly less happy at my job and the company was headed for massive lay offs. The C-levels had decided to make an offer to employees to accept VSPs and I took one.  I had intended to do a career change but we sort of found that we saved money by having me stay home. 

That being said, I don't necessarily want to be a SAHM so much as I want to be in a place where I can be as available to my children and family as possible. If I found a career that allowed me to do that, I would pursue it. As it is, I have intentions to find that career when our son is in elementary school.

As for Dallas, DH and I have talked about moving to Dallas.  There are a lot of things going for us there.  I would say the pros on both cities are pretty even for us. 

If being a SAHM is something you really, really want to do and you know what you're willing to do to make that happen, then I say go for it.  It's wonderful but I don't think it's an easy choice or an easy "job."  

kiarox2002

I would absolutely move to Dallas.  Probably anywhere in Texas.  I would really hate to leave my mom, and we *love* Austin, but staying home is more important to me.  Now, if we were talking about moving somewhere where we were a plane ride away from family, I would have to give it some serious consideration.  I probably would though.  Especially if we could come back to Austin once Kate was in school.  

I love being home with her and we have sacrificed many things so that I can do so.  Among other things, having another baby.

molliedb

i should probably also warn you that if you think A is cute and irresistible now, it just gets better from here.  (or worse, depending on how you look at it).  pretty soon she'll be reaching her hands out for you, crawling after you when you leave the room, and once you hear that little voice say 'mama'... forget about it. 

 clearly i'm addicted to babies, so i'm a bad one to ask, but i just mean if you feel the twinge of wanting more time with her now, i think it will get stronger the more interactive she gets.  until she's 2.5 and you want to ship her to boarding school

MrsAJL

molliedb:

i should probably also warn you that if you think A is cute and irresistible now, it just gets better from here.  (or worse, depending on how you look at it).  pretty soon she'll be reaching her hands out for you, crawling after you when you leave the room, and once you hear that little voice say 'mama'... forget about it. 

 clearly i'm addicted to babies, so i'm a bad one to ask, but i just mean if you feel the twinge of wanting more time with her now, i think it will get stronger the more interactive she gets.  until she's 2.5 and you want to ship her to boarding school

lol!  It's funny you said that. I asked DH yesterday if there were any boys boarding schools that take students at 3.5! 

AustinMimi

IDK if this is helpful, but I think it's a lot easier to move to a big city than a tiny town. Having more people around and places to go means finding your niche more quickly, IMO. I always have fun in Dallas - good museums, good bands coming through, good restaurants, good shopping.

SareBear30

We go through this issue at our house a lot too. If DH could get a job that would allow me to SAH, I would move to Dallas in a heartbeat. But I grew up there and my family is there, as well as a few friends. Although I don't love it, I'm familiar with it and have social support. If it was Houston, I think I would prefer to stay here and work. His family is there (so he would be ok with moving) and he has some friends there. I can't handle his parents for long doses, don't have friends there, and don't really care for Houston in general. Now, as other PP said, if he were to get a job someplace awesome, I think I would try it even if I knew no one going there.

HSartteach

I know my opinion isn't really appropriate, but I just wanted to offer the other perspective of those that don't want to be a sahm.  I wouldn't go that far to be a sahm.  It's not for me.  I like having the summers with LO, and I am grateful for them, but I don't think it is for me full time. 

As for Dallas, I wouldn't move there unless there were jobs for both of us to be happy.  If your DH would be happy, and you would be happy (which I am unsure from your post if d-town would make you happy even though you'd be happy being a sahm--kwim?), then go for it.  I don't think there would be something there for both of us to be happy.

When we do move, it would have to be a place where he would find a job he liked, I would find a district I liked, and we would both have to like the area.  So, example, I would love to live  in New England again, but I know there are some places I would love, and he would not.

I guess I am rambling to make a small point.  You both have to be happy with the move to the new place.

mcurban

I moved around a lot as a kid and, since high school, Austin is the place where I have lived the longest (well, I lived in NC moved to England and then moved back to NC).

All that to say, I've never really be attached to a place. I was just talking to Spidey about this today, actually- my mom is forever asking when DH and I will be moving back to the NoVA area. The short answer... never. Even though our families are up there, it's just too expensive. I would never be able to stay home w/ the boys. Never. Also, even if I *were* able to, the mom's groups just don't exist b/c they are all working! 

I was also an accidental SAHM. I got pregnant right before we moved to Austin and DH and I just decided to give it a go. We had been living on one teacher + one student salary since our marriage started, so we were already ahead of the game w/ him getting  a real job. 

As for how far I would go regionally, well...we're halfway across the country and I'm in no hurry to get out of this place because of the fact that I get to stay home. So, yeah, I'd go halfway across the country

 

brideonjuly8

I would probably go anywhere besides Houston so I could still stay at home.  I just don't think I could handle living that close to my mom and stay sane.  Houston just sucks in so many ways compared to here, though, IMO.

It would be REALLY hard for me to leave, even if leaving meant I could still stay home.  DHs parents and sister (and other family) live here and we're all really close and I LOOOOVE my in laws, so it would be super-pooper hard for me to leave.  But ultimately, I think I would leave first and SAH while my baby(s?) were young and then if there was an opportunity for us to move back and me work once they were in school I would probably do that. 

AustinBride06

I'm an Austinite living in Dallas.

I moved here almost 6 years ago without a job so that I could be with DH (then FI) and help take care of his family while his mom was losing her battle with cancer.  We didn't really expect to stay.  But I got a decent job and we did.  At first I hated it.  It was too big, too ugly, and I felt like I had to dress up just to go to Northpark Mall.  I didn't see any character in the city at all and it was depressing.  Plus we lived at FIL's house and we didn't know anyone.  I missed Austin so much it hurt.

Fast-forward to today.  I'm still working for the same company and I have way more opportunities here than in Austin, whether I want to stay in my current industry or not.  DH is a teacher and I wouldn't be surprised if his district is one of the top for salaries in the state.  Yeah, we live in the 'burbs and if we want to go out to eat at anything other than a Chili's we have to drive 30 min into Dallas, which we do a lot on the weekends.  There are amazing local businesses and fun stuff to do in Dallas... you might just have to search a little harder (whereas in Austin, you throw a rock and it bounces off 5 gourmet food trailers and a singer-songwriter playing in the street).  I've made some really dear, really close friends here that I couldn't imagine leaving behind.  But maybe Austin is just too awesome for it's own good these days.  It's such a cool, hipster place to go now though it almost is starting to feel like everyone's trying too hard.  And I'm proud that my hometown has become nationally known as cool, but it kinda makes me question whether or not I belong there anymore. Yes, whenever we visit Austin, we get pretty darn homesick.  On our way northbound on 35 we always ask ourselves if there's anything we can do to move back somehow. 

So anyway... purely from an Austin vs Dallas perspective... no, Dallas isn't as great as Austin, but it's really not that bad once you get to know it.

ETA: GO MAVS!!!

fjaril

I SAHM and we've recently moved.

I honestly saw more of my husband when he was gone m-f nearly every week than I do now.

I had a large support group (in Austin) and practically none now. It's so hard to SAH and not have friends or people near by. I love CA, but OMG am I lonely. 

If you aren't sure about moving, I honestly wouldn't. I have a friend that hates living in Dallas (she's not married or with kids and still hates it there, but she's in nursing school). I don't think I'd be happy in Dallas either. I love Austin and what is has to offer. 

Isn't the cost of living in Dallas higher than in Austin?

 Anyway, what i'm saying is, be sure you'll be happy there and can find a support group b/c it's lonely as hell in a new place when you sah. 

flymansWife

I'd move to the DFW area in a heartbeat if t meant staying home... Middle of Kansas or somethig, that would require some serious thought. But like a few others, we have friends and fan in the area which would make picking up and moving not as big of a deal... Good luck if y'all decide to pursue it! Keep us posted

cookie1and2

I did my masters at SMU and lived in Dallas for 2 years after graduating.  There are pockets of Dallas that I love, and I would move back there in a heartbeat.  Austin to me is just another city.  So is Dallas.  If it is in your heart to be a SAHM, then I would move to make that change.  For me, it might also depend on family--where they were located, etc.  My family is scattered, so that doesn't factor into it much, because visits are always a days drive away. Now, if we were moving to a state where we had absolutely no family, I might reconsider.  

OrangeFelt

There are really two or three big factors to consider when making that kind of decision:

1) Your support network/friends - How much do you rely on them?  Would you be miserable without them?  And, how hard or easy will it be for you to make new friends in a SAH situation?

2) How attached are you to the place you'd be leaving?  Is ATX a big part of your identity?  How hard would it be for you to leave home base?

3) It really is harder to move to a smaller city vs. a bigger one.  Even if it is a concrete jungle, you'll have more options and people around ot help fulfill #1 and #2.

I really had no idea how hard it would be to move across the country - but I think Dallas would have been fine because its closer to friends, and is a bigger city where there are options.

I came upon my year anniversary of being gone last week, and sat down and asked myself if it was worth it. The answer was not a resounding YES! from me, like I wanted it to be.  I had to sit down, list out what all I had accomplished (like getting debt free for example was a benefit), and then decide that it was a yes. There have been so, so many benefits that came out of moving, but its basically taken me a full year to adjust and be happy with my decision to move. 

thethomps

fjaril:

I SAHM and we've recently moved.

I honestly saw more of my husband when he was gone m-f nearly every week than I do now.

I had a large support group (in Austin) and practically none now. It's so hard to SAH and not have friends or people near by. I love CA, but OMG am I lonely. 

If you aren't sure about moving, I honestly wouldn't. I have a friend that hates living in Dallas (she's not married or with kids and still hates it there, but she's in nursing school). I don't think I'd be happy in Dallas either. I love Austin and what is has to offer. 

Isn't the cost of living in Dallas higher than in Austin?

 Anyway, what i'm saying is, be sure you'll be happy there and can find a support group b/c it's lonely as hell in a new place when you sah. 

Yep.  I could have written this exactly.  I thought Dallas was really pretentious when I lived there (right after college).  That was (eek) 14 years ago, though, and I have friends there who absolutely love it.

ali-1411

We moved from RR to Temple so I could stay home.  Its cheaper here and DH has a 10 minute commute.  But there's times when I miss Austin so much it hurts.  I would move back to Austin in a heartbeat, and I would go back to work to do it.

But I'm probably going back to work soon anyway, so maybe that alters my viewpoint a bit

I would move to Dallas.  I love the idea of moving and exploring new cities, so I would move anywhere as long as it was south of the Mason-Dixon and west of the Mississippi.  But I would be willing to move no matter if I had to work or not.  I just like moving.

I wouldn't sacrifice much more to stay home.  I haven't worked for 2.5 years and its been awesome, I love my life.  And if DH were making 100k a year then I'd be content to stay home for longer.  But we need a new car, I'm not willing to be a 1 Car Family.  I want to take a fancy vacation and eat out more.  So I'm convincing myself that getting a job in the next few months is the best thing to do   

balihaigirl

I'd move anywhere if it meant I would have more time with my family.  And we will be moving wherever DH gets the best job offer as soon as he's done with school next summer.  Our lives are pretty dang chaotic and the time we do spend together is spent doing laundry, cleaning, doing yardwork, DH catching up on studying.  It's exhausting.  We will move wherever DH gets a good job when he's done with school and I'll be so thrilled to have time to spend with DH and my son -- and won't really care where that is. I've moved a lot in my life though, and am not really afraid to do it again.

L L CG

Thanks everyone.

I don't think I would be happy staying at home full time.  I think I would be thrilled to work in the mornings and have afternoons with A.  I just need to devise a plan that would allow me to do that.  Austin is a huge part of my identity... I don't know if that sounds pathetic or not.  If it came down to it, obviously I'd move anywhere and we'd be fine as long as we were together, but it is a factor.  

Sunday nights/Monday mornings are just really sad for me.  I miss my baby. 

ditzydi_2000

I don't like Dallas.  Too snooty from what I could tell.  I like the casualness of Austin.  But if you HAD to move to Dallas you'll take some Austin coolness up there with you.  That town definitely needs more Austinites up there to mellow it out.  

 

 

Slobina

L L CG:

Thanks everyone.

I don't think I would be happy staying at home full time.  I think I would be thrilled to work in the mornings and have afternoons with A.  I just need to devise a plan that would allow me to do that.  Austin is a huge part of my identity... I don't know if that sounds pathetic or not.  If it came down to it, obviously I'd move anywhere and we'd be fine as long as we were together, but it is a factor.  

Sunday nights/Monday mornings are just really sad for me.  I miss my baby. 

I am right there with you, LL.  Not much else to add, as I haven't figured out a plan either.  But I'm right there.

KateAggie

We've been married 5 years and have moved 4 times.  Some places I've liked more than others, but that's all they are--places.  With this last move, days and/or a big plane ride away from family and friends(incl. my Mom and SIL, who are 2 of my BFFs), I'm even more convinced that it's worth it.

I'm sure this will get some flames or some disdain, but please know I'm only speaking for me and my identity, not making any judgement on anyone else or their choices.

This last year has made me realize that I am extremely happy identifying myself as N&M's mom, and DH's wife.  I cannot picture a career that would give me the same kind of feelings of accomplishment or happiness.  But I very much think that if that's not "enough" for your own life, then making a move to some place you really don't want to live is a bad idea.  You'll be the best mom you can be when you feel fufilled in your own life--it's not about SAH or WOH.

I hope I'm making sense.

Fjaril, hugs for you.  I know it's hard.  Just keep putting yourself out there.  You will find people you click with, and you may have already met them, just not had that clicky moment yet, KWIM?