Intro, vent and advice

Stella's_PUMPED

DH and I have two children (see ticker) and became licensed before we were pregnant with DS2. 

We recently began fostering a sibling group of 3, ages: 2, 4, and 10.  I told DHS that I am nursing and that we have a 22 month old ourselves.  They insisted that these kids were fantastically behaved and that they would be going home in August.

We've had the kids a week now and I think I'm going crazy.  They are well behaved, but they're also 2, 4, and 10, so they're doing things that are natural for their age group, but entirely annoying to me.  One child only eats: peanut butter sandwiches, hot dogs and cheese, one child lays all over our furniture (for example, he lays crossways on our recliner, istead of the correct way), one does not STTN and has night terrors where he wakes up screaming (we were not informed of this).

I really think I'm in over my head and my DH seems to think that if they're unable to return home (which is now a STRONG possibility) then we will adopt them.  I am freaking out a little.  I feel like I'm not spending enough time with my own kids and that bothers me.  I also feel like I'm constantly telling them "no" and getting short tempered with them.  I realize they have not had any boundries before, and were allowed free reign of their lives, but I also hate feeling like I'm constantly correcting and not spending enough time encouraging and loving them.  I wake up every morning, determined that Today will be better than yesterday, and by breakfast, I've already snapped at one of them.  Today, the oldest requested I make him a special ham sandwich for breakfast, instead of the french toast that I was making.  I turned around and said "you're kidding, right?  I wouldn't make my own kids something different." 

Basically, I think I'm doing a terrible job, and I'm failing at this and my DH seems to think everything is going great and that I'm doing wonderful.  Really, I just want to send them back and chaulk this up as a learning experience, but I know that is just me being selfish and overwhelmed.  (Please no flames, I realize that I chose this situation, I'm not going to send them back, I"m just venting and wanting someone to tell me that it's going to be ok.)  We'll find out in a week or so if they'll be able to return home or if they're available for adoption.  This case is pretty cut and dry with their birth parents.  They get one chance, if they faill, the state says they're done and will give us the kids if we want them, or place them up for adoption.

Also, the FC system, as a whole seems so disorganized!!  I'm really frustrated with how poorly they do things.   

I keep praying they can return home and that the BP's get their act together because I REALLY don't want to adopt these kids, nor will we, but I'd hate to see DH get the opportunity to adopt them, and have to say "no". 

 

Alliebooberz

I am going to preface this by saying that I mean this in the nicest and most loving way possible...

I think you need to trust yourself that you feel you're in over your head.  That is a LOT for anyone to handle.

If you're super stressed you might do more harm than good for those kids by not being able to love them, and trust me I don't blame you, with all you had on your plate beforehand it's totally understandable the amount of stress you are under.

 

I would call your worker and give them a heads up, maybe they will be able to offer some help.  I'm sorry it sounds like you've really got a LOT on your plate! I hope it works out! 

come*on*baby

Have a set of rules. Our big thing is that I'm not a waitress/chef and this is not a restaurant. You eat what is served. If you don't eat, then you have to wait until the next meal. (we made sure this was kosher, and it is in fostering) If you've offered food, and they don't eat it, not your fault. You just can't deny food, obviously.

You've only had them a week. I had this exact scenario - 3 siblings and almost the exact same ages. Its a tough situation, but remember back to all the training you've had to do to be a foster parent. Start implementing anything you learned. Set some time with your own children if you can. But I know it's very hard with 5 children, again, been there, done that. I had 5 up until a year ago when the 3 siblings went to a relative after 18 months. I told a friend a week after they had been in our home that they were definitely not my forever children. That changed and I loved them to pieces and really wanted to adopt them, but didn't in the end. Your whole world has been rocked with 3 children. Take it one day at a time. 

jenn5-26-07

I agree with everyone else... give it time, if you can. If you can't hang in there, there is NO shame in asking them to be moved- you know whats best for you and your family.  The first month of a placement is pretty hard- your all getting used to a new situation.

That said, talk to the worker and let her know how stressfull this is. Perhaps you can get the children into some summer programing or day care? That would give you a break from them and give you time with your kids.   Maybe there is some programing thru your agency the kids would qualify (I'm thinking something like Part time case management, Personal Care manager, or respit...)

 You've gone from 2u2 to 4u4- thats a lot! don't be so hard on your self!! from what your saying I could see myself reacting the same way.  (Also- can you take some time for yourself- with out ANY of the kids??)

 

Floridamom224

I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed.  I felt similarly to you when we started fostering again after taking a year break.  We had our own DS that we adopted, and the first foster child they called us with was a 3 year old that was only about 8 months younger than our own DS.  I FREAKED after the first day.  The child was running wild and he was a terror both at daycare and at our house.  Then after a quick, this is the rules and this is how we do things, I took a BIG BIG BIG deep breath and reminded myself that no, he isnt my son and I am going to have to work at loving him despite all of the things he presented behaviorly, but literally within a week he was a different child and was an ANGEL.  Loving, and even thankful for everything at such a young age.  It really opened my eyes.  By the time he DID go home, I was really sad to see him go!!