One quick vent about my baby shower. Not sure if I was being rude

Trishd

My mom wanted to throw me a little shower for my second baby.  I was reluctant at first but my mom assured me she would call it a celebration and not make it a gift grabby thing.  She told people word of mouth no gifts and she didn't even have decorations.  Just some food and good company.  It was a nice time.

Anyway, people did bring gifts but my mom smoothly put them in the back bedroom and not out on display.  My plan was to not open gifts while guests were there just in case someone did not show up with one.  I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

Well, my MIL invited her 2 cousins, one of which I have never met.  Well, this woman hounded my mother and me about opening my gifts.  She kept asking me when I was going to open them and I tried to explain to her I may not but she couldn't hear and kept saying "what?  Speak up!"  so trying to explain to her why I wasn't was nearly impossible to do.

Well they go to leave and they didn't say goodbye to me.  I didn't even know they were leaving until I saw them walk out the front door.  I think I pissed her off.   MIL told me they were waiting around for me to open my gifts and just decided to leave.

I was really irritated that a woman whom I never met was up my azz so much about it.  I would have been fine opening her gift if she asked me to but I just didn't want to make a show about it.

Was I rude?  If I was I want to write some sort of apology in her thank you card.  I don't want to piss her off

phelpsam

I don't know if you could have just taken her to the room an opened her gift or not.  That may have turned into everyone who brought a gift wanting you to do so!  I wouldn't say anything about it in the thank you.  Just send a normal thank you note. 

EastCoastBride

No, you weren't rude.  MIL was wrong to bring them, and obviously she didn't really explain to them the situation.

And in turn, they were rude.

I wouldn't apologize.  Just let it lie.

kcyoung7219

Old women. LOL! I think not opening your gifts up was a good idea. It would have made the guests that didn't bring gifts feel uncomfortable. Been at a shower like this before an dI was told not to bring gift but then there was a gift opening and I felt guilty. Don't apologize. You did the right thing.

EastCoastBride

One thing I will add, though - as I read your post initially, I did think "if you didn't want gifts, then it shouldn't be called a shower".

Just in the future, if you ever do this for someone!  Dont' call it a shower. A shower is about gifts.

Trishd

EastCoastBride:

One thing I will add, though - as I read your post initially, I did think "if you didn't want gifts, then it shouldn't be called a shower".

Just in the future, if you ever do this for someone!  Dont' call it a shower. A shower is about gifts.

Yes the invitation specifically said it was a celebration.  No mention of a shower in it at all.  When my mom mentioned wanting to put something together I was ok with it only if it wasn't called a shower.

I remember it saying that it was a "gathering" or "celebration"

I did create a small registry for myself because of the discount BRU gives you at the end.  I made my mom keep that info off so no one even knew about that.  Even if someone would ask what i need she didn't even tell them about it.  There weren't even any decorations.  I wanted it to look NOTHING like a shower.

Also, I hate being the center of attention and being at almost 35 weeks I'm uncomfortable.  I really just wanted to hang out with my family and friends and eat.  My plan was to bring the gifts home but my daughter was so insistent to open them that I let her open them at my mom's house after all the guests left.

CarleyL87

I don't think it was rude at all - it seems rude to me that she kept pressuring you to the point you felt awkward and uncomfortable. I wouldn't send an apology - just a regular thank you note.

Happily Overwhelmed

I don't know that you were rude. If you were "rude" it's just because they were rude. I HATE HATE HATE explaining to people the proper way they should act. First it was rude to have two uninvited guests. Then it's rude to keep asking about the gifts. This is the HOSTS job to keep things moving and guests should just keep their mouths shut, enjoy refreshments, and go with the flow.

Who cares if you pissed her off. You're not the first and you won't be the last to upset your MIL. In her case she asked for it!

Happily Overwhelmed

EastCoastBride:

One thing I will add, though - as I read your post initially, I did think "if you didn't want gifts, then it shouldn't be called a shower".

Just in the future, if you ever do this for someone!  Dont' call it a shower. A shower is about gifts.

Did she read the post??? No where in this post says its a "shower". A "gathering" does not mean gifts. I see in no way this event was put on wrong at all. I've been to many birthday parties that have said "no gifts". People still bring them. It's a nice gesture. Even if the card had said "no gifts please" this would have happened. I think the hostess did a good job. Besides, if the 2 cousins weren't even invited how should they know what the card said?

Happily Overwhelmed

So much to add I just can't stop! Probably because these issues happen in my family all the time and I feel your stress!

As for the thank you card. NO! Do not apologize for something where you were in the right. Stand up for us daughter in laws! lol.

I'd clearly put. "Thank you for the (gift). It was a nice gesture of you to think of bringing a gift, as it was a non-shower event."

declove10

I think you were fine. Just send a regular thank you note.

weddingbells2010

You're not wrong at all- it was never meant to be a shower and gifts were not expected, so you had no obligation to open.  In fact, I commend you for NOT opening them and your mom for delicately putting them out of sight so that you didn't insult your other guests.

 

JenWhite123

I am personally disappointed if someone doesn't open a gift in my presence.  I mean, I take gifts over to friends' homes for their birthdays.  It would make me think they didn't appreciate it if they didn't take the time to open it... JMHO.......

Trishd

Thank you everyone for all your feedback.  I really appreciate all your advice.  I wanted to clear up a few things:

1.  My mom had said my MIL can invite anyone she wanted.  She did invite her one cousin whom she is very close with and I know very well.  This cousin had asked if it was ok to bring her sister whom I think is a half sister, I'm not sure.  My MIL asked me if I was ok with that and I said sure.  I didn't want MIL to come off acting like a rude one because she was, for the most part, making sure I was comfortable.  So in that case, I wanted to defend her.

2.  My MIL did seem to feel a little put off, even though she knew way in the beginning what my plan was.  She was actually in agreement with me because there were a few people who were invited on her side that she felt may not bring a gift.  Those guests ended up not coming so I guess it didn't matter to her after that whether I did or not.  I think my MIL felt stuck in the middle between her cousins and me.  The next day I spoke to her about it and she was fine I think she was just dealing with her cousins making a huge deal about it.

3.  And I know I said shower in my heading.  I didn't mean to confuse anyone I just used it for lack of a better term.  The invitation did say gathering or celebration, can't remember.  And to really make you clutch your pearls, it was an evite.  LOL

4.  I commend my mom as well.  She was a fantastic host.  I think she thought everything through and it all went beautifully.  It felt just like a party more than anything and because I haven't felt well the last couple of weeks it was nice to just put my feet up and relax.  She did a great job.

liza0828

Happily Overwhelmed:

So much to add I just can't stop! Probably because these issues happen in my family all the time and I feel your stress!

As for the thank you card. NO! Do not apologize for something where you were in the right. Stand up for us daughter in laws! lol.

I'd clearly put. "Thank you for the (gift). It was a nice gesture of you to think of bringing a gift, as it was a non-shower event."

OMG, this is the worst advice ever.   A thank you note is not the time to make a back-handed swipe at the person who gave you a gift. WTF.  

cherokeemomma87

I wouldnt worry about it. It was nice of her to bring you a gift, but I wouldnt stress about it. Honestly I would be a little pissed myself, this woman that you have never met showing up at your celebration and then trying to tell you how to act? No thats not ok, and I would be a little POed at MIL too for thinking that it was her place to invite people. 

cherokeemomma87

discobelle:

liza0828:

Happily Overwhelmed:

So much to add I just can't stop! Probably because these issues happen in my family all the time and I feel your stress!

As for the thank you card. NO! Do not apologize for something where you were in the right. Stand up for us daughter in laws! lol.

I'd clearly put. "Thank you for the (gift). It was a nice gesture of you to think of bringing a gift, as it was a non-shower event."

I agree with this, a thank you note is not the place to try and "school" someone about manners.

I do think that you should just send a regular thankyou note. You didnt do anything wrong, I wouldnt have wanted to bring someone back to the gift room and leave the party just to make one guest happy. You MIL should have explained the situation to them better.

OMG, this is the worst advice ever.   A thank you note is not the time to make a back-handed swipe at the person who gave you a gift. WTF.  

 

I agree. I'd send them a sincere thank you for the gift and definitely NOT make any snide patronizing comments.

 

 

 

 

EastCoastBride

Trishd:

The next day I spoke to her about it and she was fine I think she was just dealing with her cousins making a huge deal about it.

Eh, even more so, I definitely wouldn't say anything yourself.  Your MIL knows the situation and if the cousin continues to make issue of it, now that it's all over and done with, I would assume your MIL can better explain what the party was supposed to be.  In the moment, she may have felt awkward, but after the fact  - I'd assume she can handle it. 

Trishd:

3.  And I know I said shower in my heading.  I didn't mean to confuse anyone I just used it for lack of a better term.  The invitation did say gathering or celebration, can't remember.  And to really make you clutch your pearls, it was an evite.  LOL

EVITE?!?!?  All bets are off.  The horror, the horror!!!     

Actually, I think for this kind of event, an e-vite is perfect. 

EMunion777

I don't think you were rude. She should have straight up asked you to open in it in front of her and then you could go to another room. You were just trying to be polite to everyone else. I know that at weddings (around here at least) we don't open wedding gifts AT the wedding, we open them later when no one is around. But my in laws were a little upset and asking why weren't opening gifts (and said they do things differently where they live which is halfway across the country). So while guests were dancing and nothing big was going on we went into another room to open gifts with them (just the ones from them). Worked out great. But I don't think you were in the wrong. I think it's better to have 1 person upset than a whole lot of people upset.