DH dropped a bombshell after Man Weekend

ShannonSky

DH came home from Man Weekend yesterday and after telling me he's retiring from it this year, which was in itself kind of surprising, he then told me that he wants to move.

Apparently he's tired of the DC rat race lifestyle and being reliant on government contracts for income (despite the fact that his current clients LOVE him and his team, they are talking about cutting the program - again). It's true, the career path that he's on coupled with just living in this super fast-paced, competitive market will probably give him less time with our family (there are days as it is when he doesn't see DD at all, which would probably only get worse as he rises up the ladder). But he's always been really ambitious and I'm afraid he'll get bored if he unplugs.

Since I'm a SAHM, at least we don't have to worry about me...but I feel like this is going to be a crossroads for our family. Do we want DH to keep climbing the ladder? He could probably make it pretty far, he's already one of the youngest in his current level and is well-positioned for a promotion in the next year. Or do we want to settle for a middle management job in a rural area where we can have some room to breathe?

I don't really know which way to throw my support. I'm happy being a SAHM, and we're agreed that that won't change, so I really feel like I need to support whatever makes him happiest...but I'm not sure what will. So now I'm up at 4am, worrying about whether we could sell our house without taking a loss (we bought in 2007 with the intent of staying 5-10 years), where we would actually move, how the timing of it all would work, etc.

If you've read through all that, I love you and would LOVE input. DH and I agreed not to really discuss it with family/friends until we make a decision b/c we want it to be our decision based on what's best for our family unit, so I can't even really talk it over with anyone.

gabbeyh

My husband had a bit of a freak out a few years ago.  He was set to be promoted to a full fledged broker.  The money would have been nice but the pressure would have been insane.  He was miserable.  He teamed up with with a couple that is very sucessful and while he doesn't reap all of the rewards, they take care of him...and he works normal hours.  (This was all before the economy took a digger, but that's not the point). 

There is nothing wrong with stopping on a rung of a ladder and just staying there for awhile.  He has a young family, and wants to spend time with them.  He can always go back to the rat race if he misses it.  Maybe he will find something that he can put his ambitions into.

If it doesn't affect your financial ability to be SAHM, then I would let him decide.  I admit when my DH said that he no longer wanted to persue something that he worked for for years, I was shocked.  He spent years studying, and preparing.  I was very against his decision but realized that if he wasn't going to be happy, it wasn't worth it anyway. 

GuitaristsGirl

(Sorry no breaks.). It's so hard to say anything at all without knowing your husband well, because what will make him happy depends entirely on his personslity. When my DH accepted his current position I knew that he would only accept a few more promotions because subsequent promotions would require considerably more travel, and he hates missing out on anything. Since luckily that decision (to only move horizontally after a certain point) won't negatively impact his job security at this particular company, I embraced it! He supported me doing a similar thing a few years ago (don't we sound like an unmotivated little family?!)- I took a pay cut to move to a firm without a partnership track to get out of the rat race in that one small way, at least. . . Priorities change and - assuming this is more than a temporary feeak out - it sounds like an awesome thing! Although I'm sure the reality of it is very scary. . . Thankfully it sounds like you two have options so you can figure out what will work best for your family. GL!

Mouseygail

I think that doing what makes you both happy, as long as it isn't going to cause financial disaster, is a fabulous idea.  I'd much rather be in an area I want to live in and have a happy husband that is able to spend tons of time with DS and I than have a super successful, absentee hubby...especially one that doesn't like his job or locale! 

MonkeysGirl05

It is always so hard to make these kind of decisions because, who knows what the future holds. Like a pp said, if he doesn't like the slower pace in life, he can always hop back into the rat race. I'd be supportive of whatever he thinks he wants. Make sure you talk it thru with him, especially if you are concerned he won't like the new lifestyle. You may point out some things he hadn't thought of.

Either way, good luck!

sommerrayne

A couple of things DH & I have learned through this "We don't want to be reliant on 'the man' (in our case corporations but really, same thing as any large employment entitiy) journey...

1) Money doesn't buy happiness but it buys OPTIONS. Dropping a chunk of income will certainly change your daily behaviors. Really assess what kind of life you want and budget accordingly. "I can live without" goes so far and turns into "we can't have ____" which can lead to resentment. Its a slippery slope.

2) The grass is often greener on the other side of the fence. Does this mean you shouldn't go meander over there and check it out? NAW! GO! now is the time, before your kids are in school, before you've built your solid social network, etc.

3) Life is fluid. Nothing but death is permanent. You don't like where you are, make educated risks and change it. You don't like your future decisions (once you've tried them out), take educated risks and change them.

4) "Going back" is not failure.

5) NEVER EVER EVER EVER leave a job without a signed offer letter with solid start date in hand even if this means it takes 4 times as long to make said transition - NEVER be that adventurous...you and DH could live in a box if you had to but with 2 kids, the plans have to be calculated and methodical.

6) Before you start upheaving everything, have several very calm and unexcited talks. Talk about your 3 year goals, 5 year goals, 10 year goals and 15 year goals. Write them down. Talk about what your daily life goals are. Write them down. Talk about your current budget - have it in black and white in front of you. Talk about your proposed future budget (research housing costs, utility costs, taxes, incomes, etc). Talk about how much it costs to move (its spendy! Not just the actual move which includes things like 100's of dollars in supplies, moving truck, etc but then the cost of a deposit on your next place, deposits on utilities, restarting pantries ...I culd go on and on about moving costs - they're much higher than people realize) Talk about the prospect of moving away from family (if that's a factor) and losing daily/weekly/monthly help. Really get down to the un-emotional nuts and bolts of life and this proposed move. You both REALLY have to be solidly on the exact same letter of the same page before you can move forward or its a knotted mess waiting to unravel.

7) Talk about the real reasons behind the desire to move. Talk about HOW the move will fulfill expectations or satiate the needs that want to be met. How LITERALLY will moving "fix" whatever is feeling like its broken.

DH and I didn't do these things above until maybe our 4th move. Through a lot of our moves, I discovered motivations that were unrealistic behind moving for me. DH discovered steps that should have been taken before we kept running around the country 

Just some food for thought from someone who spent the last 10 years sojourning around looking for Eutopia only to realize that geography and true happiness have VERY little to do with one another.

njdcgirl

As someone who works in the same industry as you DH, and knows a thing or two about his company I have a few thoughts.

1. The job market in our area is much, much better than most places in the country.  We're trying to relocate back to NJ to be closer to my family, and DH has been looking for a job there for several months now without any luck (he's in the same field too, but different specialty than me)  He's open to things outside his expertise, but there's just not a lot out there.  So, I'd do some good research on what he wants to do next and if there are jobs in the area you want to move to.  I'm going to keep my job and work remotely, but that's not an option for DH.

2. He's at a level in the company where he could "slow down" if he wanted to - is it an option for him to stay with the company and relocate to a new place?  Now that I'm working parttime (and really before that LOL) I had no desire to rush up the corporate ladder.  I'm able to do that by setting clear expectations and sticking to them, but it's hard at our company - especially for someone like your DH who is established in a market and client.  He may be able to regain that balance by relocating.

3. Knowing many people at the level above your DH, if he stays things are going to get much, much worse in terms of work/life balance.  The two levels above his current one are the most taxed ones at the firm and there is a lot expected of them above and beyond client work. A lot.

Good luck and you talk through all this.  It's exciting to think about a big change - and scary at the same time.  But, I agree with others - if he jumps out of the rat race for awhile and that isn't for him, they will happily take him back!

madhatter2003

could he relocate and do a similar job but in a slower pace/more rural area? Not sure what exactly he does, but I work for a large, gov't contractor but live about 100 miles south of you and it's MUCH nicer down here than around DC. I couldn't work for my company up there as I'd go insane, but many of the DC people are moving down here to have more 'room', etc.

Maybe a hybrid option is the solution...him still working, you SAH still, but doing something different.

jds0521

Wow, that's a big decision. I know what he means about the DC rat race...ugh. I'm having some crazy work things going on right now. I think if it were me & if I were okay with it, then I'd probably go with my hubby's decision on what would make him happy. You don't have family here right? And like you said, you are a SAHM, so it's not like you are tied to a job outside of your home. I thin it's best to make big moves liek this before the kids get to the age where they will be in school & have really good friends...being uprooted then would be much harder on you guys/them. Though, if you move, I'll miss our little lunch dates.  GL sweetie.

desabean

I obviously don't know the details of your husband's resume/job prospects but I feel so friggin lucky to live outside DC with the job market the way it is.  Yes, layoffs happen and contracts don't get renewed but there is still a LOT of opportunity here. 

DH and I would love to have less traffic, but....there is a reason so many people live here.  There is a lot of opportunity and lots of conveniences that other parts of the country don't have.  Of course, that is just my view point but you asked, so I gave ; ) 

Good luck on your decision!

MBandBud

ShannonSky:

so I really feel like I need to support whatever makes him happiest...but I'm not sure what will.

You don't need to know what will, you just need to support him in his decision and ask questions to get him thinking...

As for up at 4am and thinking about all the decisions you made that might be changed, i.e. how long in your house, that really doesn't matter.  What matters is today and forward.  One day at a time! 

FWIW we lived in NOVA and we enjoyed our time there but it was time to go; not our lifestyle.  We now live in southern MD and love it, DH still gets the pay of DC and we live in a much more chill area.  Maybe try to find a place that has the best of both worlds.  I def say that a lifestyle is much more important than 'stuff' and that you really grow into your way of spending, so better to cut back now than decide after you are too far along.  GL to you!

ShannonSky

You guys give some amazing points to consider...I'm seriously taking notes here. *sigh* He's in the middle of his review cycle right now, and I'm not making any changes before this baby gets here, so we discussed a little this morning and I think we're just going to hang tight until 2012 and then reconsider. Definitely scary, but exciting, too. I'm kind of a country girl at heart and I do dream about living that lifestyle again, but never thought it'd be a possibility. Kind of excited at the prospect!