Went to a "no gift/buy pre-owned" B-day party. Annndd...

veloelle

I was the ONLY ONE who went by her rules! Out of about 15 kids. She put on the invite "if you are inclined to bring a gift, John likes books and used toys." They are a very eco-conscience family (genuine about it, very down to earth) and are big into reuse, upcycle, etc. And everyone knows it, not like a revelation how they live.

So I'm theasshole who bought used, albeit in brand new condition, books. Every.single.other.gift. was brand new, with LOTS of non-recyclable plastic packaging. People want to buy shiny, new things for kids. Even the best intentioned parents can't ward off gifts for their kids.

While I didn't feel badly about my gift, I was pissed at the other parents for completely disregarding the parents wishes. It just makes everyone uncomfortable.

So, I really wish people would either 1) stop asking for people not to bring gifts or 2) abide by the parents wishes.

Mini rant over.

jettagurl

Of your options, I think #1 is the only way to go.  I have never heard of a party with this type of request going even moderately well.  

I think if you don't want your child to get gifts, don't have a party.  Maybe thats an UO, but it just doesn't work. 

 

Zenya

That's prettyshitty I think.  How hard is it to just honor their request?

shopgirl78

this IS the reason the no gift isn't popular on the nest...no one follows it.  GAH, its be said a million times...btw, i do think it IS nice of you to follow the "rules" tho

CubbyMama

This issue annoys me to no end.  I am forever trying to convince our parents to quit buying the girls so much stuff, and to explain to them that we just don't want them to waste $ or to make a bunch of trash for the girls to have toys they may not even play with.  They have plenty--it's not like we've given them four rubber bands and a shoebox and banned toys from our house--but somehow us asking people to limit gifts (which comes from a place of caring about the environment, not wanting our kids to be spoiled, and not wanting people to spend money they don't have on things we don't need) is always turned into an issue of US being selfish or unreasonable.  Whenever this issue comes up on here, I get all ticked off again, because I don't get how NOT wanting to be wasteful is automatically to be looked down on and ridiculed, but asking people to bring armloads of crap to fill up your already-full playroom is perfectly OK.

Needless to say, I'm glad you followed the "rules" but this kind of party wouldn't work with our families, either!

Littlejen22

FWIW, I am sure that the parents appreciated your gift more than the others b/c you listened to their request and b/c the parents really live that way (compared to me who would love to ask this of guests but does not really live that way will skip it.)  And since my kid's have Dec birthday I might skip parties 2 years and have a fun summer pool party that is not a birthday party at all and then just have our two closest friends over for their actual birthday...not sure but a thought.

jessicaclare

CubbyMama:

This issue annoys me to no end.  I am forever trying to convince our parents to quit buying the girls so much stuff, and to explain to them that we just don't want them to waste $ or to make a bunch of trash for the girls to have toys they may not even play with.  They have plenty--it's not like we've given them four rubber bands and a shoebox and banned toys from our house--but somehow us asking people to limit gifts (which comes from a place of caring about the environment, not wanting our kids to be spoiled, and not wanting people to spend money they don't have on things we don't need) is always turned into an issue of US being selfish or unreasonable.  Whenever this issue comes up on here, I get all ticked off again, because I don't get how NOT wanting to be wasteful is automatically to be looked down on and ridiculed, but asking people to bring armloads of crap to fill up your already-full playroom is perfectly OK.

Needless to say, I'm glad you followed the "rules" but this kind of party wouldn't work with our families, either!

You know, I'm against telling party guests not to bring gifts, but not because I think its selfish or that I want to ridicule people for keeping toys and whatnot under control. I just think that it puts guests in a really awkward position, because not matter what, someone isn't following the "rules". This is the #1 reason we have small family dinners for birthdays instead of parties. 

FWIW, I think its perfectly acceptable to tell your parents/ILs to limit the gifts. Telling the parents of all your kid's classmates to do that is just setting up a potentially awkward situation, though.

AnnapolisLari

Sorry, birthday parties for friends or classmates = gifts. They have since I can remember. It's rude to dictate what kind of gift you find acceptible, beyond 'she loves princesses, art supplies and large hairy insects.'

I am in the 'skip the party and do something else' or 'don't call it a birthday party' camp.

Sxia

If it was a pool party, would it be rude to ask to bring a swimsuit and a towel? No. Then why would it be rude to ask to not bring a suit? It's not like saying, "It's this kind of party" is rude. And thank you, for now I have to go through my kids' toys, tell her "we're going to take X back" or "You have to get rid of some things" now. Because frankly, there just is not enough room. And, btw, kids don't have dinner parties, right? And I will always comply with a no gift party, because it's more MM for me.

Sxia

Oh, so the etiquette of gift giving is, "Here, you'll take what I want to buy you?" What if I was kosher, and everyone knew it and someone gave me the gift of a cheeseburger? You take into account the person who is receiving the gift, and what their beliefs and preferences are.

 How is "please, don't buy me anything" rude?

kevschickee2

Iagree with CJ.  Just say thank you and accept the gift.  If you don't want or need it the donate it.  I would never put anything about a gift on the invite.  I am in the camp of "don't tell me how to spend my money"  also I can't go to a party and not bring a gift. 

MelandJeff

AnnapolisLari:

Sorry, birthday parties for friends or classmates = gifts. They have since I can remember. It's rude to dictate what kind of gift you find acceptible, beyond 'she loves princesses, art supplies and large hairy insects.'

I am in the 'skip the party and do something else' or 'don't call it a birthday party' camp.

Agreed.

rebs

AnnapolisLari:

Sorry, birthday parties for friends or classmates = gifts. They have since I can remember. It's rude to dictate what kind of gift you find acceptible, beyond 'she loves princesses, art supplies and large hairy insects.'

I am in the 'skip the party and do something else' or 'don't call it a birthday party' camp.

I don't agree AT ALL.  I think we can all agree that kids parties are a way bigger deal than they used to be and that gifts have gotten a bit out of control.  I see absolutely nothing at all wrong with asking for no gifts.  I do not get how a kid trying to be environmentally responsible suddenly should not have a birthday party.  That is awful.  The fact is most toys end up in landfills and are packaged in WAY to much environmentally unfriendly materials.  I applaud them for trying to do what they can to limit that.

Personally I think it was great that you followed the rules and can't believe the other parents ignored them.

AnnapolisLari

Well, I guess you get to be the Superior Person, then.

Personally, I just don't have overblown birthday parties and invite fewer people, because I know that people bring gifts. It greatly reduces the packaging and environmental black marks on my carbon footprint report card. But you do what you want to.

I am not going to take away the joy that my son gets in choosing a birthday gift for his friends. He knows that he gets gifts on his birthday, as do his sister, mother, grandmother and pretty much everyone else we know. He wants his friends to have gifts, too. I guess the joy of giving is a HORRIBLE thing for him to learn. Bad mommy.

veloelle

I think every child deserves a birthday party. And this wasn't some blown out party. It was relaxing, backyard pool party. Another thing is they didn't open the gifts at the party. The kids are getting to the age they want to see the birthday kid open their present. Up to this point, the parents probably picked something. At age 5 and up, a lot of kids have input or completely pick out the present. So the birthday boy did open those up in front of those families. I know the Nest "policy" on present opening at the party is mixed, but what was interesting is that we did the cake and pinata, then I kept overhearing parents say, we're probably opening presents next, so stay dry. I think people genuinely want to give gifts and see what he gets.

So I guess the compromise is a smaller party? I think asking, however nicely and w/ the best intentions, as was the case at this party, are overlooked.