How? — The Bump
3rd Trimester

How?

I am planning on giving my daughter my last name. Her father has been pretty much non-exsistant for my whole pregnancy. He lives in a different state, but always promises to come to a couple appointments and when he doesn't come, he always makes excuses. I keep him updated on everything and he never seems to really care. A couple days ago he up and deleted me from Facebook and now he won't even talk to me. I don't know how to tell him that I am giving her my last name, cause I am so afraid that he will yell at me or try and get her taken away from me. I need some advice on when I should tell him, how I should tell him and if I should be worried that she will get taken from me because of it.

Re: How?

  • I would suggest you post this on the single parent board.

    With that being said... I don't think you have to inform him at all. If he isn't around then how would he know.  And why would he care?  Get a c/o when she is born for child support and go from there is my suggestion.  Good luck!  Sorry you have to endure dealing with such an asshat as well as pregnancy/childbirth!

    image Momma to Ms. C age 16 months and Mr. C age 3 months!
  • You are not required to tell him that you are giving *your* baby *your* last name. If he doesn't have any contact with you, I wouldn't tell him. And your babies last name has nothing to do with custody.
  • image KristenPelotte26:
    I am planning on giving my daughter my last name. Her father has been pretty much non-exsistant for my whole pregnancy. He lives in a different state, but always promises to come to a couple appointments and when he doesn't come, he always makes excuses. I keep him updated on everything and he never seems to really care. A couple days ago he up and deleted me from Facebook and now he won't even talk to me. I don't know how to tell him that I am giving her my last name, cause I am so afraid that he will yell at me or try and get her taken away from me. I need some advice on when I should tell him, how I should tell him and if I should be worried that she will get taken from me because of it.

    I am in the same position. I am so sorry.  I never would have thought I would be dealing with this my first pregnancy.  I am so upset today because my baby's father deleted me off of facebook after 5 months of being split up.  Our relationship couldn't hold up to the pregnancy but it is not my loss, I tried to work things out and make him happy time and time again.  It upsets me more because I am weeks away from my due date, we are not talking on the phone or texting, and I feel like facebook was the only way he could keep up with baby news.  I told him that I would feel more comfortable with Easton having my last name since I would be the primary caregiver.  I will be honest, he flipped out on me and basically told me he was going to make my life hell.  If he is this type I would suggest you not tell him until it is done.  She cannot be taken away from you for this reason or any reason unless you are on some hard core drugs and walking the streets for "work" at night.  Depending on your state/county he could petition for it to change when you go to courts but that is up to the court.  I wish I would not have told him because he did flip out and now things are 10 times worse.  I really hope my story helps. There is also a single parents board that has helped me lots during this time. 

    image image image image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • It sounds like he has made the decision pretty easy for you by not being involved in the pregnancy and now no longer talking to you. It's a crappy situation but I don't see a reason he will get upset or fight you for custody. And if he does start yelling at you through any means, walk away, hang up the phone, delete the message, whatever. You don't need to deal with that.

    You can tell him afterwards, if you're so inclined.

  • Please also keep a record of EVERYTHING. My sister went through a nasty divorce. Having written proof, texts, emails was a great help.

     I would also save a copy of all the emails you send him keeping him informed of the pregnancy so you can proove you tried.

    Do not worry, it's a lot harder than that to have your child taken away from you. I would stop all communications with him as well. He can also contact you right? well if he doesn't make the effort....

     so sorry this is happening to you. Good luck

     

  • I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I have a cousin who just recently had a baby and was in your situation. She did the following :

    1. Didn't provide the father's information on the birth certificate. Your not required by law to name the father. I don't know how this works out legally, but if the father wants to fight her for custody, etc he has to prove he's the father first before anyone will even give him the time of day. In my cousin's case, the father having to "prove" custody also would put him on the hook for child support. If this is something you are going to NEED in the future it may not work for you. In her case he was a DBD and she wasn't ever going to see a penny from him anyway so she didn't have much to lose.

    2. Gave her baby her last name, because she will be the primary custodial parent and the father didn't seem to have any interest in the baby during the pregnancy and even after.

    As PP's have said, you may want to post this on the single parenting board too as they have a lot of knowledge and first hand experiences that may be able to help you.

    Good Luck

    ...
  • A)  I wouldn't even bring it up.  If he's not there for the birth (which sounds like a good possibility), then he definitely has no claim.

    B) Why would giving your baby your name get her taken away from you?   So long as you are doing everything you can for your baby, it is VERY RARE that a court would give custody to the dad over the mom--especially if the dad has been relatively nonexistent.

    GL.  And I agree with PP, you should visit the SP board.

  • I hate saying it, but sometimes no daddy is better than an bad daddy. He's removed himself from the situation, so it easy for you to cut off ties. I'd do that ... from your post, he doesn't sound like someone who'd be stable, good, or healthy for your LO.
    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/9ss3f4.jpg[/IMG]
  • The baby will automatically get your last name unless you change it when you fill out the paperwork. I hate to tell your ex this but he has no say you can give the baby whatever name you want and there is nothing he can do about it and you can not get the baby taken away because of the name. He would have to prove you an unfit mother and since he is not around he has no ground. My advice is to save every text, email, post, recordings of him on your phone and take him to court if he tries to pull anything. Otherwise hun don't even bother telling him. He hasn't earned the right to have the baby take his last name.
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